hahaha=.:D why give up on myself when GOD has never forgotten and given up on meh???
yet....my own strength does not comply with GOD'S. i am weak, too weak to even stand n e more...
i started crying in class today, but no one really noticed besides my teacher....sighs...
yeah.....i guess i am one of dose testers....to see peeps reactions.
yes....peeps hate dose types of people....and some love dose type of people.
crying....it's soo useless. no one hears ur tears...no one understands em
it dun make meh feel ne betta....just a waste of my time...
u say i give myself pity....actually everyone of ya say i give pity myself. my goodness.....boi do u peeps dunno meh well!!!. grrr.....
some peeps you should never say u love sumone unless u are willing to to actually to spend all ur time with em....
i suppose....i am ready....are u???
hahaha=>:D
i am committed to self....i am committed to those around meh......i am with GOD.
i cannot say i hate you, nor can i say i hate you......i wish my friendship with you would just disappear sumtimes. i wish i just lost all my memory and i would haveta start anew like a lil baby. maybe one day dat'll happen...maybe not....

my dreams are becoming more frequent now. i'm very worried. they really scare meh. i don't know what to do about them n e more. i'm not afraid of death.....boi...how i just wish these dreams would go away. is this sumthin that's a sign or vision or sumthing??? i suppose having a dream of death is more like a nightmare to many people, but to meh i'm fine with it....i dun mind....why??? cause well.....i'm not afraid. i look at it with full face ahead......no hiding from it.

every one of you think i'm suicidal, and i admit i am, but if you noe meh well....u noe betta den ever that i will never now kill myself. i may have a grim lil outlook on lyphe....but dat's my choice to look life dat way. along the way, i suppose having such an outlook gives meh an excuse to be pessimistic. and i suppose dat excuse is what i live on....yeah yeah.....i noe it's not rite....GOD didn't make meh to despise the world he put me in. He wants meh to see the reasons for why he created and see the change in human because of SATAN. i guess i haven't been thinking clearly lately, and now that i am seeing everything on full impact, it disturbs meh. I've been understand too much for sumone my age, or is the thought that i'm a person to think? i suppose everything has it's reasons.....everything has a master plan for every action, for every thought. what must i do??? what must i say??? lyphe changes daily.....every new day is a gift.....but i've been repelling the gift, why am i being such a fool??? lyphe itself is like a big burden in my lyphe. u say i dun run to GOD for my problems....u say i dun.....but maybe you haven't thought of how much i've tried, and how much i haven't. what i might want doesn't necessarily always happen......lyphe and GOD himself dun work dat way.....if everyone got what they wanted....we would never noe how to thank GOD or get to know him n e betta.

some peeps say i should go see a physchologist or sumthing....at least get a prescribed "upper" and a sleeping pill. i say, i don't need this. yeah.....people have malfunctions....and sum people just cause dere malfunctions. i've been necglecting my body, and i've become sick.....in many ways, but i will heal and getting betta....

people say, when you loved someone u were so distracted that u never were unhappy and u did soo well in skool. i supposedat statement is true. but the fact is......as a christian, i should be in love with CHRIST so deeply that i should be doing good at everything i do. the truth is with meh.....i don't love christ enough den. oh wellz....what must happen??? nothing can happen. dere's a time when i just haveta grow up, i'm gonna loose the battle in the war, why??? because i will no longer be able to preserve what i once had and haveta move on. i suppose by writing all this my thoughts will someday become clearer and i will be able to walk in briter light. i ain't making n e sense, but at the same time, only i understand all that i'm saying.......

words cannot describe the way i feel....it's left to be undescribable. i've never been soo confused....but so focused at the same time. i noe what i want, but i suppose what's da matter is the fact of how to get to that point. well let's see if i can give u da gift of my happiness. i noe i'll be happy tomorrow, but the point is.....how many days will that last??? i have no clue how long....maybe it wun last afta da hours i'm with you......i've changed bak to the person i once used to be. i've become that introverted lil gurly with many thoughts that cannot be expressed. thinking about it, i've always been this way....i've never been another.....in my youth, i have learnt to persevere, and once more, the lesson is coming bak. dis time, in a different case. first time when i wuz lil, what i hadda persevere wuz racism......or should i say, being different and not having suffiecient money. now in these days, i haveta face my own problems and everyone else's problems in the world.

no one really runs to meh with their problems n e more......is it cause dey see all da pain i go through? no one really actually cares i admit that. have you ever met n e one dat cared about other people's problems more than their own? i suppose not. really ask yourself...have you cared about someone??? don't give meh the reply that you would give your life for someone, cause dying for sumone else dun prove n e thing unless u're GOD. only GOD's love was pure and still is pure. i would honestly say, when it comes to lyphe, i've always been first....even if it wuz a hidden motive, it wuz still first. dat's just how it works. no one'll find someone how honestly would lay down dere lyphe for you cause u are dere lyphe....and if u were dat person's lyphe.....dey wun haveta die for ya. da day you find da person dat would in return give dere lyphe for you and u for deres, u have found something dat you shouldn't ever leave behind. somethings are never meant to be left in the sand. some things should be put into a bottle with a cork and thrown into the ocean.....u say dat dat's a stupid analogy, but hey.....da bottle is never lost.....it will always be in the ocean sumwhere.....or along sandy beaches.