even though i wuz right on one thing, it doesn't mean that everything else from my previous entries meant nothing. here goes, i can't handle loosing. loosing a fight, loosing things, people, relationships. i cannot tolerate loosing. but success and loosing are totally diff thigns. one may say i lost out on a good course in skool but in skool, it's just that i didn't succeed. yeah yeah. dat's a crappy example. i will never be able to tolerate loses or to loose. i hate it. when it's supposed to be a competition, i hate it. and if it's supposed to be sumthing that i should treasure, and i do, then when i loose it, i'll go crazy, and i'll never be the same again.

i can predict, one of these days, i will go crazy because of stress, because of skool, because of work, because of everything. i will go crazy, like i did today. i couldn't control myself. i couldn't stop breathing like a fish outta water. i couldn't help the crazy movements that my body made. i couldn't control the urge to throw things, punch things, kick things. i just couldn't control it.

i am an extremly moody person. as quick as lightning, my mood can and will change. as quickly as you blink, i can fall into depression, or anger just as easily. i don't know wuz wrong, i can't control it. i want to control these urges to not be happy. i want to control my thoughts so i will not think this way, but each and everytime i try, i just get it worst in the baklash. sighs sighs.

i noe one of these days, i will love. but to love GOD is the first step to ever love n e thing, love n e one. sighs sighs. but yet i am filled with hate, hate to love. i hate the meaning of what love is, but love what love is only because that's the only thing that would ever fill my soul. a human has body, mind, and soul. to have fulfillment to feel complete joy, you must fill your soul with love. not the love of this world, but the love of GOD. i guess that's where i'm lacking. cause i despise everything just as easily as i first fell in love with it. i have a very wordly view of love. but yet i comprehend the full extent of what it is and can be. sighs sighs....