okayz, on with other matters that is bugging my mind. friendships. okayz, let's see this. you said it urself, our friends are falling apart. you have n e thing you want to do?!?!? well there isn't n e thing you can do, so just shut ur trap and let it go. yupz yupz. if they were truly your friends, they won't just run to you when they need your help. there are those that ignore you, and that may be due to their own problems, but have you every really thought that they just don't want to talk to you that's why they don't? those people i hate to be friends with, but then again, i really understand where certain people come frowm. some problems are those that i cannot help to wonder why. i mean, i'm thinking 24/7 yeah. listening to certain types of music sure pisses me off. well not pisses me off. it really depends what the words are in the song. seriously, it really depends what are being said in a song that make sme listen to the song. i mean, there are those that i just listen to because well.....i like to...and then there are those that just piss me off even though it has good music. hm.

love you's don't piss me off, they make me happy. i'm a fraid to be alone, brian, i am not like you in that way. i have been alone as a child, and it's a way i fight because i do not like. i mean, i have christ and shall never be alone now, but i am still afraid.

i am suicidal. people don't understand that. and jenny if you ever end up landing here, there's a reason why i'm telling you not to tell nat and steph whatever. i don't want to see their reaction. i mean, they won't understand why i'm so suicidal.

brian you are extremely right when you say that all my friends are optimists. i mean, all my friends like to be happy. so it really doesn't matter does it? i'm not a very happy person. you say that most of those loners think and blah blah, but i must tell you that i don't find that true, i feel as if i'm a loner, but a loner is also a loser of life. a loser of life has nothing good, no one. and me, i have everything going good for me. but only i take none of to heart. as i once said in a poem, "would not all treasures of the world be garbage in your eyes if you had no heart to desire it?" and this is true forever. it forever be understood that without heart, there cannot be anything. for you were made outta love, love of GOD, and without that love which is represented by the heart, you cannot be anything. makes no diff if you listen to me or not.