oh man...

i copy and past a whole lotta lyrics. wow. dunno why....i just do. oh wellz...

i mean....most of my english songs don't even come with lyrics because they are unbroadcasted songs....meh....the "underground" music as some people refer to it. meh. oh wellz. dunno....i don't much like english pop....but i don't mind chinese pop.....dun much listen to japanese or korean music n e more. i dunno, just don't see a point. i mean, when i was going through that phase of me wanting to know everything about being japanese, i could recite you lyrics over and over again from a few handfuls of songs....but now, i really see no point. it's like reciting a poem that means nothing to you. there's no emotion when i sing it because it is utterly unfamiliar territory to me. meh...dunno

i mean...yes, i sing chinese songs and i struggle, but i still understand what i am attempting to sing. yeah, i'm not that fluent in chinese....but meh....better than most cbc's that are unable to speak at all because they are tooo afraid to speak. i mean, it's probably due to the fact that my parents forced me to speak chinese that i have such an attraction to my chinese heritage n e ways. i don't know.

then at school, the comment arises a statement, "most oriental girls would rather go out with another oriental boy." i find this statement rather untrue sometimes. i mean, yes, if you find a fully traditional oriental, they would much prefer to go out with another oriental, but the true fact is that most people can't control who they will fall in love with. it just so happens that the first attraction of a person is one that is someone that has a closer link to your own heritage. i think it's because it becomes "easier grounding" for both of these people. it's not that n e one is being racist. i mean, in the very beginning it may have been, but now days, many more parents see that love can't be controlled or we'd have case after case of romeo and juliets. i mean, maybe in some parts of india and very low living standards people need arranged marriages, but even in arranged marriages, they may never fall in love. i mean.....looking at my grandparents. my grandfather loved another woman and was in another relationship before he got married and same with my grandmother. it was rather duty and a bound contract that said they must. they married and "love" (if you can call what they have love) each other on a level of what i call duty and responsibility love.

i mean, i know little about my grandparents. i know almost nothing about my dads parents because he's not one of those people who talk about stuff like that...and i think i shall make it my duty to ask how grandpapa was. i mean, i hear more stories about my daddy's dogs than i do about my grandpapa and grandmama. oh yes... my dad's father remarried making me have a grandmama and a step grandmama. the first grandmama was the one he truly loved....i think my father's dad was more of a success, he married because of love....and not because of duty....but times were much much different then...

oh yes, my grandfather (the one on my mother's side) was in the war....got stabbed in the gut by a japanese soldier which was shot by another man because he had stabbed my grandfather....but my grandfather was wearing a super thick leather belt....with a big metal inline....thank GOD that he survived... he is also dying very slowly from diabetes. he won't take his medicine. he won't fix his diet. i really don't want to go to any funerals, but if he continues eating the way he does...i know...that one day...my mother would be totally broken hearted and the whole family will be in morning...

my grandmother has major severe arthiritis. this is because i know she had a very tough life. she had a sister that she had to sell because their family just couldn't handle a baby. my grandmother was the oldest of 3? yes...three if i remember correctly. could have been four....but i know she had to sell her sister. her father died when she was 6 or 8. her mother died when she was early teens or sumthing. and so, she had a tough life always. she couldn't afford for herself an education. and my grandmother is one great lady. even though half the time i don't understand her because she speaks old lady chinese with a mix of shanghainese which is similar to mandarin...but still. sighs sighs. i don't know why i am soo mean to my family.....sighs sighs.....

my grandpapa (the one on my dad's side) died of diebetes....doubt that he really knew much about his disease. sighs sighs.

grandmama used to chew up my food to bits and then spit it out and give it to me to eat as a baby. i mean, you may totally think that's totally unhigenic or whatever. but you know what? i could have cared less, since well she probably didn't know much better and well, she loved me....and my sister. so you know what?? even though i don't remember n e thing about her, it shows that she loved children. all i know is that she is died of a severe sickness which no one has ever told me...