degredation

yeah......i was exhausted today. i slept from when i got home till like about 5:20ish...wow.....i took a really quickie showa ar....wow. i'm amazed....but the quickest shower is still 5 mins....yeah....every time i take a shower....i wash my hair.....and i condition....so wow. muhahahaha....feeling like i didn't need to share that. hahaha.

my ears no longer hurt.

but yeah....i woke up feeling totally degraded. it feels like i have become stipped of all my walls. i am feeling like all my walls have fallen apart and i'm kinda alone in the cold staring at my fallen, crumbled walls and going, why did i do that? i feel like i have lost all my pride. what have i done to myself in order that i allow people to know my feelings? i kinda got caught up in the rat race of liking someone. sighs. there is still hope, but is there? oh wells. all the problems in my life are self inflicted. it's like that wound i have on my arm, it's also self inflicted.

i punish myself because i feel like i deserve it. i punish myself because it feels wrong to indulge in the good all the time.

what's the use if the feelings i have are right, but because they are wrong at this point in life? you can't have a positive and a negative work out to be a positive. sighs. i wish i would stop thinking. i wish i would stop fantasizing. it's kinda more difficult now for me because i want to pretend that i'm not feeling the way i do. whether a person takes back their words or not, i still feel like crap. i know i shouldn't, but the consolation at this point still isn't much of a consolation. in a point in your life, you decide to move on, and in a way, i want to move on, but if i move on, it means that i must leave my current situation and never look back. but i know i will look back and ask myself what the hell have i done. so.....for now, i stand here miserable because my patience levels are low. for now, i stand here staring at a wall praying that whatever GOD has planned to happen. for a while, i had accepted what was said to me then......but the statement was retracted....and now.....i'm lingering in both worlds of disappoint and unutterable joy.

how am i supposed to feel? not everyone is ready to love me like i am ready to love them. hahaha, people say i'm mature, others say i'm immature....i say i am neither. i am in a point of my life where being "mature" or "immature" doesn't matter in my life. there's a part of my life that i have tried to supress. the side that is constantly angry, constantly hating, constantly bickering, constantly foul is supressed, because my other qualities are more dominating. the side that wants to love and be loved is greater than all the other qualities in my life. my life is filled with finding acceptance. dunno.....need to run away from myself and find myself without any of my friends for a little while. i haveta sort out my feelings and my logic. my mind and feelings are all contridictory.....*shivers* dun wanna know what could happen....