prayers

blah. now i have people praying for me. they can't help my problem, my anger, my hate. ahhhh.....i just wanna say screw all the prayers. screw them all. i know it isn't right....and i'm just saying that because i'm angry. i just want to sit in a corner and mope around all day. but i know i need to go out.....but not with him. what happened to the power of prayer? why can a message supposedly sent by GOD be sooo clear to someone and not to the other person it involves? why can't i see it? why not? going out with him alone will cause tooo many problems. i see that now. it's because we are alone all the time that it caused me to think of the what if's, and, or, maybes. sighs. i can't n e more. i can't even pretend. if he can live with himself.....fine fine fine fine fine fine!!!!!

i am still pissed, but i need to do something to get me to stop feeling sooo pissed. i just want to cry. at the same time....i want the world or just someone to give me comfort, but then on the other hand, i want no one or n e one. i want to be isolated and left to my own destructive nature. i will end up tearing myself down and maybe just maybe successfully rebuilding myself again.

i am filled with sooo much negative passion. i want to destroy everything in site. i wanted to just pull my keyboard and throw it across the room. but why inflict pain on something that obviously won't feel it? it's a waste of time. but then again, why would i want to be the one that inflicts pain on n e living creature or person.

i am pissed....i am still crying.

i haven't been doing my daily devotions....just couldn't....i picked up my bible yesterday.....i almost broke the window. why am i filled with sooo much hate? why am i acting like a little girl having a tantrum problem? why do i feel sooo shitty and soooo angry? why do i feel like curling up in a book and crying? sighs sighs.

Why is it that whenever n e thing bad happens, my first response is to hate? WHY WHY WHY?!?!?!?!

i just want to hurt you. i just want to destroy the world. i just want to feel better. *going to corner to cry*