this morning......i woke up very early.......man, my stomach hurt. i really belive i'll die of sum like stupid disease or like virus or sumthing. i'm becoming sick again. prolly cause i'm not happy all da time, but does emotion control da immune system??? meh have no clue.

upon reading brian's thoughts, it puts a smile on my face. I know there are people who care, really i do, but the thing is now, i really dun care bout myself. sorry to say dis, but i really dun.

last night, right afta my sister left for toronto again, the house become in chaos. i guess it's my fault. well, here goes......my anger is triggered by one 2 things......i myself cannot find something, or, someone is being really rude to me or to my friends. this instance, i lost something. something that i had lost already and wasn't able to find. but i guess my parents dun understand me as much as they thought dey did. they dun understand dat i get very frustrated easily if i lose something, and considering the emotional stress i've been putting myself into, it makes all the worst. i felt like everyone misunderstands me. they misinterpret me. everyone does.

misunderstanding??? how bout this? i haven't been hyper at skool for quite sum time now, and finally when i am hyper cause i just feel like it, someone says i can't and i'm scaring dem. what da hell is dat supposed to mean?!?!? is dat telling meh dat being unhappy and being happy scares my friends?!?!? what the hell are they trying to convey in meh?!?!? i've never told em this, but dat statement really shocked and pissed meh off. i guess if i did tell them all dey could do wuz just say sorry. i really believe dat saying sorry is soo useless now. it's not like it can cure hurt feelings. u were hurt once by their actions and their words, saying sorry only brings bak the memory of being hurt. sorry is completely useless. i say sorry sometimes, not cause i mean it, cause to many others sorry just eases dere mind. i guess i'm good at human observations. damn, gotsta get a lyphe.

arg!!!! got hit across the head three times cause i swore......shit man......still kinda hurting in dat spot too. i guess when he hit meh, i really didn't do n e thing for it, i didn't even clench a fist.......which i normally tend to do if i'm getting hit. i knew i deserved it, but actually, no one really deserves a beating. i just suppose dat i'm one of dose peeps dat can take a beating like dat. at da same time, i know dat da person who hit meh across da head still loved meh, cause it wuzn't all dat hard....he still controlled his force.....but den again......i am and wuz sooo numb to everything dat maybe he did hit meh hard......i just couldn't feel it.
dis feeling of numbness.....it scares meh......but causes meh to have a smile, a half twitchy smile. being numb means i can't feel rite??? but den yet i do feel.....i feel my own thoughts...my own tormenting/tormented thoughts. i allow myself to become numb to da world yet feel all dat is within myself.

i feel hopeless......but den again, i still have hope....i ain't dead yet. i feel misunderstood.....but den again....dat's cause sometimes i dun show who i really am and let da rainbow shine into dis crappy grey world. i feel unwanted.....dat i mite be.......but den why do i have friends???? i feel aimless.....dis i actually am cause i ain't trying in skool n e more, but da point being.....i do have a future cause i still know where i wanna go and what i wanna become. i feel non-exsistant, but dis i also noe i am still exsisting.

here.....i'll ask a question......would u rather feel nothing and loose the sense of being for the rest or ur lyphe and live dat way??? or would u rather see the happiness and feel the pain knowing that u are still alive???? personally.....both these choices are kinda extreme.....if it were up to meh, i would choose neither, but i'm already going through one of em. at the same time, i've gone through both of these in dis scenario doe. i feel numb, feel nothing....i feel no sense of being........but i see all da happiness....and i feel all da pain....and i still know i'm alive. does dat make n e sense ar???? well wo bu zhi dao ba.......dui bu qi.......oh wellz.....

at least i still know who i am and what i can become......a pride dat i take upon myself......

frustration, anger, hatred....i guess all three of dese things fall hand in hand.......hahahaha=>:D oh wellz.....enjoy urself with my blogs.....feeling kinda crumby....but at least i feel a bit betta.......at da same time.....i still feel crumby......arg!