u say you have no rite to love n e one. first and foremost i must say, no one has a right to love another person even if they love or do not love themselves. to give love and receive love is a miraculous thing, but to love oneself is the hardest of anything. can you not remember in the bible??? a time of such is when JESUS went bak to his home town....no one actually really accepted him....dey all "knew" him too well. in a sense....it's cause u noe urself the best and only you will ever actually understand urself completely. ur only wish is to find someone who'll understand you completely, and you may or may not in ur lifetime ever find that person.

u cannot look into the face in the mirror only cause u fear. u fear all that is in front of you.....u cannot hide from what you see....u only want to pretend that you do not see it. you wish that what was in front of you never be seen through ur eyes. it is only a want and a wish that you know will not happen.

u dun see a smiling face why??? u see an emtionless guy why??? no one is created without emotion, you know that.....u noe that far well. just because ur face is like the window to your inner being....it dun mean dat it does necessarily reflect all that is in ur heart or on ur mind. u see an emotionless person, and at times....everyone sees dat...only because dey don't wanna feel.....you don't wanna feel because u neglect all dat is good and only look towards da darkness and grey...but u noe far well that the earth is round and not squared.....even those who are blind find ways to see....

u say no one understand you, and i say the same thing, but first of all u must ask urself this.....do u allow those around you to understand you.....u asked meh if i should be talkative in a time of trials.....and what did i say to you??? i said this.....it's not a question of if you should.....it's a question of if you could.....knowing that you can, and you saying that you can't.....u're lying to urself....just becuase ur not a very socialable person dun mean dat u ain't talkative...mind you, talkative and socialable are quite different....but kinda one in the same at the same time.....but i think you know where i'm going with it.....to be social, u speak all the time thinking of topics to say....but being talkative in my eyes is to talk about something with full force, full energy. have you not felt that sometimes the only way to take out all ur troubles is to express urself??? in ur expressions.....it is a way of communicating....in communication, it's a way of speaking....speaking...relating to talk.....talk which mean talkative considering you use full force to convey ur thoughts of sadness or anger or happiness.

you hide ur sadness with an artificial smile, this being know to many but seem to only be known at the time by you. artificial happiness is happiness at the spur of the moment which only last for the moment.....true happiness and joy last all eternity....even through trials and harsh times.....if you had the strenght to endure through the happy times......u noe you can still go through the hard.....

to hurt and to feel hurt are one in the same....i suppose u understand now. neither one is a pleasant feeling.....both physchological and maybe physical.....endure....dat's a word dat follows perseverance.....without the other....neither can happen. where has ur three p's gone in this time of trial??? pray, patience and perseverance......u learnt it and taught meh....and now i feel as if i'm teaching you it again.....i guess some lessons are meant to be repeated along with the same trial?

u learn the lesson....because u still have the lesson in your heart....what you fail to do is actually learn to apply it. that goes with many other peeps.....for example, skool...everyone learns the concept being taught...but no one really learns to apply it until they find a job to apply it to....so da first trial taught a lesson....the later trials are to help you apply what you've learnt....heck, it's not easy at all.....you know it and i know it.....and those that don't, either are lying to themselves or really are just unwilling to see.

you are not a troubled soul.....u only lead urself to think you are a troubled soul.....u only allow yourself to become the troubled soul u were not meant to be.....u burnden urself knowing that you shouldn't burden urself. u think i don't know, but den again....u didn't tell meh what wuz exactly wrong.....some things i just understand....somethings i will never comprehend, but when u talk to meh about the ways of people, i will learn and accept....knowing that everyone is different. you know you are not a troubled soul cause you can still tell dat you feel burden. those that are troubled are those who allow nothing to touch them...allow nothing to shatter that wall of glass, fire, water, bricks.....whatever it may be....the point being....how can you know ur a troubled soul if not at one time u felt nothing to burden urself with??? if you've felt that point of no burden, then you know u were not made to be a troubled soul. i may not be making n e sense to you now, but think of this.....why am i taking the time to care for someone who calls themself a troubled soul??? u say, cause i'm that way......ur wrong.....cause i care and i see GOD has better lessons for you to learn to apply in ur time of need and trouble. i'll be cocky and say this, i'm an angel without wings......everyone is an angel without wings.....but one day.....that very day your wings will appear because you've found what you thought would never have....till that day.....u can only dream and wish of flying.....

you say you see a bit of soujiro saga in you....the truth is....he's in everyone....there are things that everyone wants to suppress....the matter is how the suppressed matters reappear in a person's lyphe. u think it wuz easy being in grade 7 and 8 in mca??? u really thought it wuz dat easy to be soo loud??? yeah....it wuz just a mask for the true unhappiness of meh, but the matter is.....i still tried to let myself enjoy everything around meh......even if i wuz a tourmented soul at the time being....a war within a war.....

you are going through a phase in your lyphe where all you wanna be is be the child that you once were...the thing is....you can still grow old and still be a child....just not the child you were at six....but a child who is knowledgeable and is able to control his or her's actions.....it is not this that screws people's lives over....it's how they react to the changing in lyphe dat messes up a person's lyphe. i say this....why fight it is the battle will always be lost. have you not heard people say "act your age" the truth being....people want you to be young at heart....but still be able to act your age even in a not too serious scenario.

hahaha=>:d in all that i'm reading....i sense anger....an anger soo blinding that you no longer really wanna listen or hear my words....but i will waste my breath for you hear whatever u may still hear..... u wrote your thoughts knowing that i would reply, but you also not wanting to hear my reply. i'm sorry that i inflict more pain. reality is harsh, and maybe i should state the harshness not so direct. ur being stubborn...but everyone is stubborn....u will not be cause you wun be...dat's da way i am....but dat's not da way you wanna be. what you need now is to really, earnestly ask for something....and P.U.S.H upon the matter.

ur not hopeless.....u may be pitying urself, but you ain't hopeless....one who is hopeless see's they are hopeless and wollows in self-pity.....you do not stay long in dat stage....and if you do....i beg of you....will you then tell meh what's wrong and plaguing ur mind of such insecurities. yeah....insecurities...what is plaguing ur mind are ur own insecurities....u are an insecure person....u are standing on firm ground, but yet ur ownself is weak....harsh aye??? but that's the reality of things.....i wish i could state the obvious without causing soo much pain....but the pain causes character sumtimes and sometimes it degrades character because u become harsh and cold and nonchalant bout things....please i ask of thee to not become so vine.

the time when you do not know what you are speaking are times when it reflects your total thoughts. i want you to be happy....so shall i be happy.....
it demonstrates much going on in ur lyphe...but ur words are well choosen to hide ur true complexity of your thoughts....there is much you are hiding...but much you have told.....i hope you take heart and be strong and courageous. there is no other way to face a problem than to face it.....or else you will always be in constant conflict with yourself.....

i love you.....even if you cannot love yourself....GOD loves you...even though you cannot love yourself.....GOD IS MY SHEPHERD I SHALL NOT WANT!!!! and again i say.....I LOVE YOU......hey, u have a gurl...hope she dun get jealous...but hey....I LOVE YOU...even if i say i hate you....i will never be able to hate you...why???? cause GOD has placed you in my lyphe to go through the thick and the thin.....or else....why would we have met in the first place???
I LOVE YOU, GOD LOVES YOU, and that is that.....now learn to love yourself....love is something achieved and earned....not sumthing given and taken. you will never learn love if you do not first face trials.....