now coming to think of reponses to questions that people have asked me. i don't give proper answers, why? because the ultimate choice is for you to do and not simply just listen. i like to give advice, but i know that you may or may not choose to do what i have said that you should do, so i ultimately always say, but of course, it's ur choice at the end. i simply just give more suggestions on what to do. i mean, i'm hated now and even more in the future. like it goes, people don't like it when people seem to have no mind of their own, and that is the way i seeem to be. i mean, i will always be one of those people that will never be understood by many. i mean, my mind seems to be complexed on many levels, but there is always simplicity among the chaos. if no one is willing to see the simplicity among what seems to be confusing, then there isn't much to understand. what makes it difficult to be close to people like me is this, it seems that i either have no emotion at all, or i'm just too emotional and cry or get angry or laugh all the time. i mean, i can really be detached sometimes. i mean, when i know i'm going to be in the company of people, before that present moment, i simply don't want to be around people. i rather wish to be in that little corner, knitting, folding cranes, folding stars, reading, or doing homework by myself. i simply feel to be allergic to people at certain moments. i mean, i still haven't been able to like hug people, hugging feels sooo awkward to me. and forever, it will feel awkward to me.
i mean, some moments, all i wish is to be hugged forever and never be let go of, but at other times, i wish that no one would come close and not even see this face of mine. i won't say i'm ugly, because, in fact, beauty is only in the eye of the beholder. yet i know, time and time again, people don't say i'm ugly, but truth is, they don't want to hurt me, they don't want me to feel hideous. people don't want me to feel unloved any more. i mean, there are reasons why i don't tell everyone my past. i mean, all those who i have been friends with for a few years, i may tell them, but besides that, my past isn't a fairy tale that everyone should hear. i mean, all those who ask, i will tell, but i'm very conscious when i do tell. a reson for this is the following. once i tell people that i've never felt really loved, that i never really had friends, and i never really knew how to trust people, some people pity me. some people love me for the fact that i've had such a bad past. some people are my friends because they want me to no longer feel so miserable and just live a happier life than i did before.
i mean, all that stuff is great, but don't give me your pity. i mean, you people don't want to hear it. and when i tell you, i'll only bring it up over and over again. people don't wanna hear about misfortunes. people don't wanna hear about pain. people only want to stay in those lil fantasy bubles that they have made for themselves their whole life.

you can say i'm bitter to life. you can say that i'm bitter to man. you can say that i'm just a bitter person. but bitterness is only for you to see and not to be felt.