wow.....well i'm bak.......and i have some stupid thoughts as usual. but then this online journal is just a vent or release of my emotions that bug me. but the problem is, writing them doesn't ease my pain. writing my thoughts makes me notice how pathetic i am that i have no one to listen to my problems. yeah, i've never failed in my life. i have never had to face defeat. and that's a true fact. i've won every battle. well i mean, even in sports, i may not win, but playing sports is for the experience and friends you can make. doing homework wise, i've never really needed to study much, i've never really needed to work hard, with minimal effort, i've always got 80. but even when i do try, i will only get 80. so it really doesn't matter, and it bugs me, but what can i do? nothing. life has a way of taunting that makes me laugh. now.....but maybe a reason that i don't fail is this, when i actually know that there is something i cant do, i will work harder, i will the concept down packed. i will make myself succeed, even it is only borderline passing. i have never been pleased with low marks. i have never been pleased that i couldn't hit a note properly. i have never been pleased not to listen to the teacher. but all this is in constant conflict with my rebelliousness. for the time being, i've studied my whole like, i've sang my whole life, i've listened my whole life. yes, i give you this, i have attitude problems, and this i know i must change. when i'm frustrated, i show it, and if i'm happy, i show it. if people offend me, i show it. but now days, what life experience has taught me is well, that when there is someone who offended to me, either a.....suck it in and demolish your pride for that time being.....or b......go up to them and tell them that what they did offended you. i normally tend to choose a, unless i knew that they didn't mean to offend meh and then i'd choose b because i'd want them to know not to say it next time so i won't be upset. but pride is always pride, no matter how much you let go of it, it's like a too-loyal dog; it always comes back. you know, my problems are like small and minor.

well it's the christmas season......and i still need to buy matt something cause i feel sooo bad that he bought me something and i haven't bought him one. but it's not the fact that he's giving something to me, but it honestly well....why am i buying him a present. yeah brian.....u are wrong...i don't buy everyone gifts....most of them when i have the time in the summer, i make them. you know what would be the best gift to recieve? at this present moment, i want a puzzle. no no, not just any ordinary puzzle you see. i want something that is like this......a puzzle that is specially made, yeah i know it's very expensive and such, but like those pictures that are huge and made into a puzzle. i want that because then it would be a constant reminder of the time i spent being happy, or at least outwardly happy. maybe then i'd remember how it feels to at least have happiness only for a short period of time. yeah, i've made myself unpleasant. i've made myself bitter. i've choosen to live this way, and even because i don't regret anything i do, i can honestly regret being bitter and livin my life this way. so basically, iv've regreeds my whole life....or at least from the time that i had the willingness to pick and choose.