see....to begin with....i am never on cloud nine. but i am afraid to leave whatever feeling i am in now. keke^^ it's weird but if cloud nine is to be satisfied with everything.....i could never reach that state. my wish for perfection kills me and sometimes this is a strongpoint and sometimes it is not th best fact. you see.....wishing for perfection makes you wish for higher. but the thing about this is if i wish for perfection....i wish to be able to achieve it, but when i don't....i strive harder and use up alot of energy....and when things don't go my which, which most dont, i feel miserable. i am a spoiled child that wishes everything goes my way. i am a selfish child that only thinks about herself before others. i am a stubborn child that only listens to myself until i fall into a pit and must dig myself out. i am really glad i have the friends i do. i don't know what i would without them. keke^^ val, my most chit chattable friend, one that most people call a total flirt, is my best friend at skool. i honestly tell her everything....even if i know she doesn't wanna hear......hm......stretch marks....keke^^ j/ks j/ks. well yeah. it's funny and it's not funny. honestly val and jenny are like the only people in skool that i talk to. i mean...actually "TALK" to. i mean....i am popular as in i have friends. my moods freak out my friends...and i know that completely. i am a very moody person. but most time those that don't know me well don't notice. and then there are times that well i can't help but to show my true feelings. sighs sighs. i don't think it is right to hide one's true emotions. i am completely honest and sincere about this. sighs sighs.

honestly......i mean....people like to pretend that everything is alrights. sighs sighs. i would like to go to that funeral on that saturday. but since i do not know the family well.....i do not think it is right for me to just show up. i mean, i didn't even know the person who has passed away. I do not even know the person who's mother died very well. sighs sighs. i am sorry i never had the heart to make convo to get to know these people. sighs sighs. i mean.....in a sense, i want to see how it is like to be at a funeral.....everything is an experience....even though most times i'll prolly end up crying at a sad event like this. i've never really been to a funeral. honestly. i don't know how it feels to loose someone very dear to you. sighs sighs. i can only imagine how it feels. wait sorry.....i have never lost someone very close to me in the sense that i could never talk to them nor see em. it's either i wish to never see em again or i simply just don't talk to them. but loosing in that sense is completely my fault. hm. sighs. every one thinks i am lucky because i have never gone to a funeral of a person which i know dearly. they all think i a good to miss out on this type of experience. but truly....i'd rather know how solemn things are supposed to be. i'd rather know the feeling of it. i may not like it.....but what the hey.....i don't only wanna go to a funeral of my best friend(s) or like my parents or my sister. sighs sighs......

i don't know.....but i feel like crying now. not a depressed thing. weird. just thinking of death and everyone there.....

i don't understand myself.....i'm just weird......or in val terms....i'm seeeepecial with an r....keke^^ :D:P