crazy

writing randomly as if there will be no words that appear in my mind ever again. nothing means what i say. no one could understand all the thoughts going through my head over and over again. history will always repeat itself. but by being afraid of the past, you are ruining your own future. feelings cannot be controlled. thoughts are like a ticking time bomb. i care tooo much, but it's not like n e one else does. everyone wants to run away. everyone never wants to face reality. there are so many people lost and blind. i'm so hypocritical. just get started and everything else will feel much easier. but then again, everything is getting harder and harder? love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control, where have all these things gone? no one notices me. i stand in the corner wanting to walk away, but trapped within the walls. what love is in the world? everything in this world is moving, but yet i don't feel to be moving at all. i feel sooo small. your face haunts me. i see you in my sleep time after time. where are you and where am i? the rain pours. what have i done so wrong that everything is a punishment? wanting to fly and soar, but to where and when? my weakness has caused you pain hasn't it? i am saying sorry for things i don't even know why. things that don't kill you always make you stronger. how so? hoping that i will never see you in my sleep ever again. sighs. i don't want to remember. i don't wanna see or talk or do anything n e more. i just don't wanna. get this all away. having no clue what the hell i'm writing. just writing as if there will be no time tomorrow to write. things in my head going around in circles. sequence and schedule and routines are things that many people live by. i'm hoping to have a new beginning. wanting to loose everything close to the shore so it washes all my pains and sorrows away. everything will be okay tomorrow. will n e one catch me at the bottom of the cliff? will i die or still be alive at the end of all this? dying seems such a trivial matter. blah. here i go trying to leave all this behind. sighs sighs.

don't know half the shit that i wrote up there. been writing nothing. blah. past, present and future.....blah...bull crap....