things that i thought i would never do

and so, some where inside me, this time, i think i can move on. yeah, i have accepted maybe i'm not the one. i have accepted that it's not the right time. i have accepted that my life will always still have all the maybes and what if questions. but, there is nothing i can do about it. i can only pray for GOD to provide me with the calmness of heart and the strength to persevere through all that i must go through. i must never give up on life. i must never give up on love. i must never give up till it is time for me to go. i must always persevere when the hurt feels like it is tooo great for me to bear.

maybe there were reasons to why i did meet him and have the feelings i had. maybe it wasn't more than to just be friends, but maybe it was. meh, the thing is, GOD's plan is my plan. i have prayed so that something could work. and maybe, the working things out may not be the way i intended it to work out, but......i can't hide my feelings. sighs....but i must restrain. i can't continue to send signs of affection, even though all the time i have i just want to spend with him and make him happy. but.....when i am happy, he is happy. and that is satisfying enough. GOD intends the best for his children. i must not be angry at GOD. you should not be angry at GOD. maybe it's because i'm niave and i don't like to be angry at things i can't control. humans have no power over life. life is controled by GOD, there is nothing i can do.

for the past week, every one has said to me, "sabina, there are things you just can't control." and now, i am sitting here, about to cry, but also contented. tears of sadness with the grin of a crazy satisfied person. i wanted to be his. i wanted to love. but maybe, it's just not the right time. if i could accept it the first time, i could accept it now. but why is there a part of me that just doesn't want to let go of n e of this?

a good friendship was created. and well.....we wanted to pursue something more, but....it wasn't started. and therefore, nothing will end. all that friendship will still remain. but as i said, i just need to learn restraint.

well if he reads this.....he will know the very last reason to why i always poke him. because i want to know that he knows that i am there. yeah, i'm a attention crazed chick when it comes to the people i like. i want to know that he likes me too. i want to know that he's not afraid to have me as a friend.....sometimes, i wanted more, but there's nothing to repell n e more. no expectations. when you have expectations, you will always be disappointed. i want to be happy....but the more i write...the more i want to cry....sighs sighs....hope he calls me when he wakes up. but it's clear that i have woke up before him if he hasn't called me yet....sighs......what am i doing to myself? i am indulging myself in a sensation that just isn't going to happen. sighs sighs.