yeah, everyone asks me what i'm doing this valentine's day. and each and everytime, i say that i don't know and i ain't doing anything. everyone seems sooo shocked. but would people be shocked if i did tell them i was doing something? i suppose they would too. but does it really matter what they think and say and care? the truth is, it doesn't really matter. but i don't know. it seems like i think about everything. and it seems like i never find enjoyment in anything. yeah, the truth is, i'm one of those tooo detailed type of people. if you notice, my house, wherever i've been, there'll be a great big mess. you can call me lazy, and you can call me a dirty pig, but the truth is, i like it that way. i honestly can't help it. i mean, i've hated the perfectly clean, but i don't like to tolerate it at someone else's house. am i being hypcritical? yes, i can say i am. but don't you dare say i am. sighs sighs. i'm very stubborn, and i'm easily angered. maybe i will never find love because i can never understand it. the truth is....that is the truth. love is one of those things that well....GOD is and altogether, that is just something i am not. sighs sighs. i'm not a good person, but i'm not a bad person, i am just satisfactory. hm. you can see i'm near breakdown again. writing soo many thoughts at this hour. you've heard it once, and you've heard it twice. i'm worry, but do you have a problem? what runs through my mind is mine, not urs.

i hate this, my parents are sooo hypocritical, but then again, everyone is. but they always say to deal with my conflicts at face value. never step down unless you are sure that it's GOD's will for you not to care. but i see in every conflict that arouses in thier lives, they never take the time to defend themselves. yet i admire my parents beyond belief. at sooo many times in life, i never listen to them, thinking that i know what they heck they are saying, the truth, i do, but it doesn't mean that i shouldn't listen. they always listen to me as if it's the first time they've heard me speak intelligent words. sighs.

i miss my sister, but then again, my sister and i always fight. we don't really get along. we are totally different people with completely different values and outlooks in life. my sister graduated with good marks outta hs...and me on the other hand....so far only maintaining a low 80 average.....but yet, i'm happy my mother doesn't compare me to my sister. she has always seen that i'm very different from her. and thinking about this, it makes me cry sooo much. i don't understand why, but i can try to understand why. my sister is my mother, only in a figure that resembles more of my dad. and me, i'm the one that resembles her but has the mind of my father. it's funnay, but it's sad. i don't have the work ethic. i don't have the motivation. and no, it's not a typical teen thing. i've lived like this all my life since the very beginning of my first memory.