how i wish i had the courage to like say i just want to believe and forget about all the stupid things i are happening and not happening in my life.
but i can't. time and time again, church after church, every one that i attend shatters and due to human errors, breaks and becomes a church not worth attending for me any more. each and every time, i loose friends. the only reason being is because i live sooo far, it's rather difficult to see each other. then when i don't really see them much, i don't really wish to talk to them.....with only one friend for that exception. but then again, i suppose i left a mark in their hearts just a lil wee bit i suppose. but then, maybe i didn't mean n e thing to them except and image of just another friend. sighs.
through all this, i see that whenever you have people gathering together, there will always be problems. each and everyone's personality will clash. i have no faith in church n e more. i do not dare say i have no faith in GOD, because i will always know that he is my Saviour, Lord and Master. There's no denying that, and if i started denying that.....well then life just wouldn't be worth living. since i have no meaning to live for myself now n e ways, but i know that God does. and his purpose will be my purpose. yeah.......to all those athiest that will ask me why i let God control me......well you know what?!?! i'd rather live a life in fear knowing that there is a GOd than to live as if there is none, making all the mistakes that could either make me or break me in the afterlife. and to those that will ask me how i know......i don't...but i put faith ahead of my own skepticism and my narrow mind. therefore i believe like a race where i can't see the finish line. but that all doesn't matter.
through all this, i have not lost my faith in GOD. i admit that at times it's much like a roller coaster where my faith goes up and down and does 360 degree turns, but........i always end back up to the platform that i started off at. blah...stupid sentence rules and never ending with prepositions......blah..... but n e whoo.....all this has done to me is lost faith in all human kind.
but i see that this loosing of faith in the human kind is costing my happiness some how. i'm loosing my trust for everyone. i question each and everyone's actions/motives.....i simply just don't trust. and i suppose that's why i'm sooo afraid of strangers. this is why i'm afraid of a being in a crowd with many many people. sighs. but i see that i'm starting to push each and everyone of my friends away.
hurt and confused in a way that i don't think i'll ever heal......the question is.....for what reason am i hurting and being all confused for?
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