bouncing back

for some reason, i am happy now. i haven't been sooo happy for a little while now. i mean....i have sounded happy and content, but inside, i had sooo many questions. i don't know. i feel kind of hurt thinking about yesterday's events. i feel really disappointed, but if well.....someone can say that that's the way the feel and it's a sign from GOD.....then....what am i fighting for? i will not fight a loosing battle. i want to be content and satisfied with my life. i want others to understand that i will move on and i will be content eventually. i was mad the whole day. i was crying the whole day. but....today, talking to him.....nothing has changed. nothing between us has changed. or maybe, the reason is.....i still like him.....and i want to treat him like the way i used to. i want him to remember me as the happy girl that was hurt, and was still able to treat him like that little happy girl was before. i might be a flirt, i might be a taunt. i feel like i might be damaging everything that we have now. but....i am content. and he says he will be happy if i am happy. but is he? that question, i ask, but maybe i will never know the answer. he thinks, and he's upset at GOD. but i don't see that there should be something wrong, if i am not the one, and it is not the right time; i am not the one and it is not the right time. fighting with GOD is a forever loosing battle. you cannot win something you are bound to loose. well technically, in today's views...sure you can.....but....meh.....

for now, this miserable day of dispair has ended in moments of pure, utter joy. i am satisfied and content. but, i don't think i could be this friendly to him at school. i don't think i could be around him much at school. i don't know. there's just something about being in my house, the familiar, that makes everything really comfortable.

and i suppose....it hurts....because he doesn't push me away....but...it's because i know he wants something to start, but he can't because...deep down inside...he feels something will just not work. i think....i have accepted the fact that we cant be an item. i mean, it still hurts, and it still stings....i don't think i will ever get over it much in the near recent future. i know i will look back at the times i cried so hard. i know i will look back at all the happy memories. i will look back and cry for joy and cry for sadness. but, at least these memories can still last being happiness.

i love and i hate this feeling i have at the present moment. i'm happy, contented, satisfied, but yet i am confused, hurt, shattered. what will happen next?....egh? is he home yet????