selfish

and well....maybe i have just been selfish. i want everything to be as easy as i want it to be. no no....it's not an "i think" issue, it actually is. if being selfish is to be self concerned and only self concerned, i admit....sometimes i am. and maybe this is why i am upset. all my problems are caused by me. everyone understands why i feel sooo shitty these days. eveyrone understands that when i'm frustrated, when i'm upset, when i'm depressed, when i am truly happy, my reaction is to cry. but they don't understand why i have cried for sooo long. and in the same way....i don't understand why i am sooo upset....args...goin to take off contacts....pissing the heck outta me.....grrrrrr

well yes.....i wonder if i am actually doing n e thing today....because well.....if not....i'm gonna take a shower and sleep and just forget about all my plans and cry for the entire night....

i still feel shitty now.....church....wasn't bad today......but i still feel like crying. sighs sighs. i couldn't focus on the sermon. my mind just kept on going like, why can't i see it for myself. why can't i see it? why is it sooo clear to him? why can't i accept his fucking reason? why don't i understand and accept? is there a reason why i'm tormenting myself for this? why am i blaming myself? all throughout sermon i was holding back tears. why can't i let go? is there a reason why i can't let go? sighs sighs.

i almost started whacking myself in the head a few hundred times because i wanted these thoughts to get out. sighs.....i think i'm gonna sign myself up to go into an insane assylum if i start whacking myself....ahhhhhhhhhhhhh. sighs....

even my smiles bring me tears...sighs sighs...