i've just noticed dat well, most people always forget meh. i never forget a face, nor a name....if i care to rememba, but everyone...no matta how close we used to be....will forget meh.

sighs....am i dat annoying? is there sumthing wrong with meh? sighs sighs ar. grrr.... lyphe is sumtimes unfair to those who try to be the most fair. hahahaha=>:D meh at jean's house tonite....all da good times, but at the same time, everything is not the same time. i am no longer the same person. i have changed in many ways. i am more severe and meaner. i am more critical. i am unable to let go still, but i am still happy to move on. hehehe=>:D i dunno.

everyone says i just smile alot....and i seem to be happy or very happy now......but u noe what i found out???? when u are drunk, most times, that shows da deep side of da person. for example, if dey were drunk......either they would be very hyper and happy, or they could be etremely unhappy and depressed. as i wuz sooo called drunk last nite....which i totally disagree with being drunk because i wuz totally conscious of all my actions....but either way......i drnk way too much champaign. whateva....wish i never drank, but i wun regret that i did.....i did drink...so whateva. hahaha=>:D

bak to last nite....as i wuz "drunk" i noticed dat i had super split personalities......i wuz super happy.....and then......i wuz super unhappy. sighs. wha da heck??? den i wuz super mad and den super happy again. i suppose each and every single time of each of these emotions were even more stressed than normal. i have no clue. what may i say that could give an excuse for all my actions? i didn't say many things that made meh seem drunk.....but i have no clue why people say i wuz drunk. but then to meh, drunk means sumthing else. i'd rather be drunk on lyphe. hahaha=>:D

why be drunk on substance when ur body can produce a natural high....a high better than any substance can. u just haveta get intact with ur inner being. but i have no clue. sighs sighs. hehehe=>:D


as i write these thoughts....i get more upset. i get more disappointed. but there is nothing i can do about this feeling that is overtaking my thoughts. why am i so upset??? but whateva......i'm gonna stop writin gnow...l8a people.....and as i just relaly wanna go bak and press rewind, i am and forever unable to so i just must move on and live on with my mistakes or others mistakes... well i'm going now...l8a

okayz, i'm writing my thought all over again, my thought just got erased...

a few words...or alot depending on how u view it.
everyone is different.
u handle things differently.
i still care...and i will come and ask...
stress has gotten to you, do you think i am not here?
u say you live lyphe for insignificant causes......do you think that matters???
as long as ur still living, u still have time to sort things through.
application is always the hardest step, but it never means that you should not know.
at least u question urself, thats the first sign to actually knowing urself and knowing urself more.
everyone is human, mistakes are always made, situations always and can get us upset.
but one thing is, that the world is always moving......moving forward....
but u said that u should always look at memories as times in the past and learn from those...
in a sense, only looking forward only wins you the race if you have the determination...
but what gets u to the finish line is knowing how u made mistakes in the past....
pain inflicted only creates more pain.

well ur happy now.....

stupid or not, what has happened has happened. sadness comes with your decisions, but if your not sad, then it's just as good as being sad. i dunno if i'm making ne sense, but i always understand what i'm trying to say.

even if you think sumthing is not rite and you don't wanna accept, and GOD's will is always hard to understand, u must noe dat everything that happens is a consequence of ur own actions and is in GOD's will for you to understand and learn sumthing new. Not all lessons will be taught easily, for everyone learns in a diff way.

u say i'm a philosopher, maybe ur rite, but do you noe what philosophy is? no, dun give meh a dictionary answer, give meh a definition that comes from your heart. well to meh, this is what i think, philosophy is the same thing as insight. there is two diff types of philosophy, a bad one and a good one, i wun say my philosophies are good, cause not everyone can agree to everything. a bad philosophy is a conclusion that is drawn only to the emotion that was felt at the present time. a good philosophy is one that is drawn because of an emotion, but concluded because of observation through lyphe. now can you tell the difference????

well yeah, dat concludes my thoughts for today, simple, and short....i suppose makes it sweet??? but whatever.....hehehe=>:d hope you enjoy....hehehe=.:D

hahaha=>:d i read a funnay story for my exam today.....

it's kinda funnay....da story is called saturday climbing.....hehehe=>:D

it's about a father and the relationship between him and his daughter....as the daughter wuz growing older and into her teen years, their relationship wuz getting further and further apart. the analogy of the story wuz kinda remarkable in a sense....let's see....rock climbing....last resort....lyphe is hanging by a strand. dere's a lot more.....lyphe is a risk...there are smooth times when there are lil nooks in crannies which could be grapsed very easily....and then there are times when it is harder because it is either unclear or there is not much of a crack to hold on to. man....i hate dis way i am.....sooo analytical and critical.....sighs sighs...

oh wellz...whatever...muhahaha=>:d

beginning to feel betta....even well....after being hurt....i still question why i didn't hit bak...but da fact is....i don't ever need to....i had enuff impact even doe i didn't. i made my point clear.....but did i even have a point??? i do not noe....

lyphe goes on......

lately, i have not been writing my thoughts on line...why??? causwe internet explorer has been messed up by my sister....hahaha=.:D

freaked ya out aye??? i didn't want to....i just needed sumone to run to....and well i dunno......normally when i have a bad time, i'm always running to my friends....hahaha=.:D thanx for always being there for meh....hehehe=>:D

abuse is sumthing i'm kinda used to....yeah i noe ur rite...under no circumstance should sumone hit meh....but well hahaha=.:D it's alrites.....i suppose it's just meh.....if i'm da first person to hit sumone....i will continue hitting....and i suppose that is the reason why i don't hit or kick n e one n e more.....cause i just allow my frustrations to not come out.....i just let em stay dere...cause i dun have control of my own emotions...sighs sighs. i'm soo weird....sighs sighs. i have no clue what to do....what must i do??

well u say i am broken, i suppose i am not, cause i'm just as happy and carefree as i wuz before. i'm used to it....just sumtimes...things just haveta come out and be shared. sighs. people like noticed my swollen arm and neck today.....and all i could say wuz i like slept funnay. oh wellz...sum things are better not heard than to be heard....oh wellz la. i have no clue.....i guess it doesn't really hurt that much. i suppose what hurts now is that i'm allowing all my anger to just build up. and i suppose that is why i breamk down soo often. i don't want that to be, my anger should be let out and spoken to GOD, the one who will take all that negative energy and make it into positive. hahahaha=>:D

what i hate beyond myself is being a hypocrite. i see this in myself. i'm a hypocrite. it's not that i don't do what i say, it's more like i do what i say and it just doesn't work. it's funnay how i wanna be a psychologist and such since i'm the one who needs most mental help. hahaha=.:D i cannot run to myself to like come for help. but of course....hahaha>:D i have support. never ending support from my friends and family. i suppose everyone is lonelyu in this journey of lyphe. but then again....as i think of it, no one is ever alone...even when they think that they are. i say that everyone is alone only being the thought that no one goes through the exact same thing as you at the exact same time. and even if you were...the cause for the action would always be different. hahaha=.:D i say you're never alone only being the thought that you will always have support....from n e one that you want it from....then u can have. but to achieve the support that you want, u must first work to have a relationship so you may have the support. everyone wants support....but not everyone sees the relationship that must be built before true understanding and c ompassions. i dunno if i'm making n e sense. but this is just a way to get my thoughts out i suppose. hahaha=.:D i dunno wuz wrong with meh, but all i can think about is my arm and my neck....what if sumone notices?!?!? oh wellz.....no one pays dat much attention. oh wellz. hahaha=>:D

thanx for caring....hehehe=>:D it means more than n e thing.....but in a sense....remember that some sorries actually mean sumthing.....not everyone says them and means nothing by em.....most people only say sorry because they feel guilty for the action that they did../;////....so i suppsoe in a sense.....i wanna say sorry for being the way i amd and for the things i must learn....but all together....i am thankful....hehehe=>:D

i have no clue what i'm writing...but i'm writing. exam tomorrow...but have no studied.....sighs sighs..

not too bad...not too good...tired......well dunno what to say...gonna go...l8a yo

well i have nothing to say, i dunno, i feel kinda like very very bored.....my head is cracking and splitting, but i have no choice, but stay awake and rest only my eyes.

i thought a walk wuz supposed to ease my troubled mind. i suppose, it doesn't for meh, just causes meh to think more. i can't stand this....i do not like to be by myself. grrrr!!!!!

work is da only place dat keeps my mind off things.....sighs.....why am i so deparate to do work??? sighs.....what is wrong with meh??? actually...there is nothing wrong with meh, it's just the type of person i am....without n e thing to do, i feel aimless......

as i wuz walking, i looked at my neighborhood. it's kinda funnay, nothing much really ever changes. it's very funnay. ever since i wuz lil everything seemed to be the same. maybe the peple inside the house changes cause dey move and such, but nothing really changed. the house still looks da same...everyone keeps dere house soo well kept....what da heck?!?!? oh wellz. i suppose my neighborhood is a great place to raise kids...since well....dose dat move in always have children and move out when dere children are in university. sooo funnay.

i woke up at 6:50 dis morning....started making sum cranes.....counted my stars...waiting for beads.....but hey, it's all kool....only 500 left to do now. i am sooo bored...so tired...but i can't sleep cause well da pain just won't go away. my eyes can only rest cause my mind only hurts but ain't tired...only my eyes are tired. hahah=>:D

i wonder......i walked for soo long today, do you think i should continue to walk and like walk all da way down to lakeshore and come bak?!?!? hm.....maybe i should but den again...maybe i shouldn't hahaha=>:d i have no clue. man....dis really sux....i need sumthing to do......feel soo aimless

gots nothingto say for the past days....feeling kinda crumby....but feeling great all at da same time....i wanna smile with true happiness, but i am unable to.....what i need now is just peace at mind, stressed, but am not.

hm....1000 cranes.....means death to ya ma??? well if i give dat to ya.....it's cause i took to give it to ya so you could still see em when ur alive....not dead.....don't rememba...da lady washing jesus??? yeah.....a sign of great respect...but a sign for death too.....so in a sense.....i'm not saying you will die...but more like...ur going away.....far far away...

i wish you to find happiness.....
i wish you the greatness of the world...
i wish for you to have the peace and the joy that i may not have
if only i could grant wishes
but then i would have many wishes to grant....
oh ewllz....what may i say??? lyphe's never da way we want it.....u feeling very happy now....muhahaha
i suppose da whole world looks at meh in awe and curiosity considering dat well......i smile soo much but look soo hollow in de eyes...
i have no clue...what may i say???
lyphe's just lyphe.....it goes forwards...not bak....so yeah....
i wish to stay in one place forever and ever, but i noe i may not...
change is a constant struggle, so why am i resisting????
i suppose embracing change for in itself would give meh some peace that i wuz never able to achieve....sighs....

can't say i love n e more, because i use it as a loose term.
i cn't say i hate because that is too strong that relates too closely with loving someone....
but maybe, when i say i love you....maybe that's for real....maybe i'm speaking the truth....
maybe i do and u just take it as merely simple words spoken as a greeting and a parting.....
what can i do??? what must i say to prove to you dat i'm for real???
wait oh wait....if you were to see my love...i would not need to show you or intentionally show you...for you should noe that i do....
hahaha=>:D thinking too deep for you in simple words ma????
i hope i ain't hurting ur brain....i go in circles talking about the same thing over and over again...
hahaha=>:D but with each timne i think.....my brain hurts more....i'm more dizzy.....i cannot focus on the thoughts soo clear...
is there sumthing wrong with meh????
is my body weak and sick????
sighs.....i have no clue....what i want to know i will never find out.....what can i see??? what can i hear???
i can see it all and hear it all....only if i am willing...
now......the question is....are you willing to show meh?!?!?

if you are not willing, i will still be willing...
if you are willing....i am still here.....
if you are waiting.....then i will wait with you....
for we are one in the same, but different on each.....
i refere to you as the backside of my hand....but the thing is....i'll say dis....it's more dat you are the left hand to my right hand...or the right hand to my left.....
i say this because of few reason....
we are the same....but different...entirely different...
hope and dream wise....we are always going to be different...
understanding wise...we may always be different....
we don't live the same lyphe...but what i go through...u may understand...what u go through i may understand......u may not...i may not....
what i see in you is the fear of change.....u are constantly struggling with change.....


oh yeah.....as i wuz sittting on the bus on the way home from skool today, i notice dis......dose who say that they wish they do not want to feel pain are those who care the most. those are the people who go through lyphe caring....caring for others...caring for everything....maybe caring about everything and neglecting self, but care all the same. but i noe this much is true.....those who do not care do not say that they don't wanna feel the pain to what they are going through...they just live through day in and day out....trying just to be.....

oh yeah......have i left an impacting image on you yet???? or am i trying to hard????
whatever it may be......smiles.....

making a gift.......yes...here meh say...making one...maybe with the help with my bestest friend jenny......
ur rite....i have many angels.....and each are my guardian for lyphe....maybe guardian at a diff time in lyphe...each at a diff time, but i have many.
one dat i must say....no matta what happens....i will always have you.....even if it is just a memory. no matta how i try to forget, there are things that i cannot forget. hahaha=>:d an you are one of em....yo....it sounds like i'm talking to many peeps in general on dis topic ain't i??? well dat's da truth...dere are many peeps dathave come in and outta my lyphe...even in a quick flash, and dat flash blinded meh and made my eyes hurt.....just maybe physical, but what i'm saying is emotional pain. dat's not da point....

as i say, lyphe is a conquest.....to conquer fears.....to conquer lyphe itself, to be in control of ur lyphe, knowing wrong from rite....which means u must rely on GOD. my parents raised another question in my lyphe.....are you ever gonna get baptised????
u noe how i ansered em??? i said dis......if i were to get baptized now, it would just because it is a duty, to prove to people that i'm not 100% a bad person....and dat's not rite...dat's all self-centered.....not centered around GOD. so it is not rite. i really want to get baptized now dat i mention it. it auses meh to think of what i lack in lyphe....consistancy. everything comes and goes in my lyphe.....i am happy and hyper one second and the next one.....i'm extremely upset and crying. harsh reality hits harsh lil rude gurly. what can i say??? i really don't wanna be dis way, but unless i rely on him more, i will never be able to become the person i wanna be.

it's not just meh, my whole family has been neglected. as i see and listen to my family's conversations, i can feel the neglect that my dad feels in his lyphe. and he speaks it out loud too. sighs.....only if i had the courage to open myself to my family....but do i really wanna give em de image of how unstable i am??? my friends are my lyphe.....i love everyone of em....but family is always before friends....i may loose all friends, but i will never loose family cause family is like self....u cannot loose it even if you say you are lost. then in a sense....i believe my family is huge....because i noe which friends i will never part with...because they have made an everlasting impact on my lyphe.....thinking of this brings meh to tears....happy tears....to see how much is in my lyphe.....but den i see dat da glass is always half empty, why??? becuase no matta how much wata is in it....you only want to fill it more, with things dat wun fill up da cup at all. hahaha=>:d but my cup is full.....i just always pour it out seeing how much time it takes to refill it again.

people say my glass should never be empty, and i suppose....i'm the one who empties my lyphe cause i let myself do it, knowing that it is wrong......it's kinda like second instinct. dere's a lyphe beyond this, and dat's why i suppose peeps are very afraid to die. i wuz listening to a song.....it's kinda very sweet....goes like dis.....if i only had a week to live, i'd rather spend da rest of my lyphe with you....every day and every nite, all my dreams and hope being fulfilled....my love will never run out.....i will never loose it.....hurt cannot hurt meh cause i am strong. the day taste betta when you are here.......it's sweet isn't it???? well yeah....so i'd rather spend my days with you.....whoever reads my thought....and dat i noe you....i'd rather spend my days with you....and dis goes to all. i hate, but really.....do you noe meh well enuff??? lyphe's tooo short to hate for the rest of your lyphe.....

i'd rather be the person who only had 7 more days to live, why??? because den i would finally learn to thank everything...and everything....knowing it may be my last......but then again....why shouldn't i make everyday my last?!?!? i want a living image....even when death takes meh over. yeah, i'm talking bout death, and i haven't talked bout dis for quite a long time now, but one thing i must say......i am not afraid.....cause i know where i'm going.....

whoever reads this thought, i want you to know, that even if i am no longer present, i will always go on.....unless i am forgotten. everyday is my last, because i'm sick. i don't need a doctor to tell meh what is wrong with meh, because i have an idea of what's wrong, but i just want everyone of ya to know, i have never forgotten. each simple action that has hurt meh has been forgiven and will be forgiven. ur love for meh will never be wasted.....cause it will be returned. as i leave on a depressing thought....be happy.....smiles...even though i don't smile that often n e more....i want you to smile.....hehehe=>:D

you remember da song sung by like madonna in like dat movie???? da only line i ever remember is dis...."don't cry for meh argentina, the truth is i never left you." for i will never leave....i will be in your heart......there's some things you can predict.....there's sumthing with the air i breath in this week.....u can smell the foulness...but all dat will evntually pass...... just like everything will pass.....

i think i'm gonna loose you again......
sighs....i lost you once....and i'm loosing ya again....
now above all....i'm loosing myself......sighs...
oh wellz....i am happy.....why shouldn't i be????

dere is much dat i wanted to say to you baby boi.....but now....i am wordless...cause i will not think......
i do not htink you will care...so therefore....i will still care...just not wanting to share it with you....
i love you...u noe dat....and u just can't face meh and look meh in the eyes...
u try to deny it...yet i noe u're lying to urself...but whatever...lyphe goes on....

my dream my dream....why does it haveta come bak.....
i've been getting sleepless nites yo...sigh sighs....
good nite...too tired....sleep tite.....
i want you bak...

i wanna hold you close, wanna push you away, so complicated.
i wanna hear your voice, i wanna see ur face, but yet i wanna be blind and deaf. so complicated
endless tears of sorrow stopped in front of you.
joy of lyphe all halted when you left.
got nothing more to say
got nothing more to do
have nothing left
all is gone and lost
i must regain or gain anew
whatever it is, it's still painful
lost childhood
no friends when young
no friends when old
never ne friends to receive a hand from
i need you here
my lyphe i empty
i'm falling apart
i long to be near, long to push away
long to smile, but only left to cry.
u love her, i noe u do, u've left meh in the cold
sighs, i will never find what i've lost, for i actually noe where it is
no more thoughts...must have no more
no more tears, but still have many
want to be happy, but yet i tumble and fall.
i wish to run, but have no strength.
wish to smile, but unable to bare the day.
longing to sleep, but remain sleep-deprived.
tired and weary, but need to stay strong.
all so contridictory.
wanna fly, but have no wings to spread
wanna cry, but my eyes hurt
wanna soar, but i'm battered
will not tumble cause i must stand
getting old at the age of 16
where is my youth?
where is my energy?
where is me?
lost in the world of dreariness
lost in a world where hope seems so fragile
lost to a world where loneliness is all about
i am lost.
i have no strenth to find myself, can you help meh find me?
i needed then, i need you now, but u despise meh, u hate me
i have no choice but to be
i loved you then, and i love you now.....i promised forever and forever it will be
so if i say, death do us part, forever will i mean it, but to you, it means nothing but words
how it shatters my heart, u promised forever, but forever for you was much to short
don't say things you do not mean
through angry words you see my passion
through angry words you see my hate
through angry words you see my being....
i live to die, to regain, to live.
don't promise meh if you can't keep it.
u promised meh not to skip
you promised you'd do well
u promised you'd never leave, but yet again, ur leaving meh time and time again
what do i have left? nothing.
i am by my lonesome.
all by my lonesome
no one cares.
no one wants to care for the bird who is so weak, they'd just rather it die
everyone's afraid
afraid of meh, afriad of what they mite see
you are afraid to embrace fear in itself.
i must remain strong.
i must remain energized
i must regain sleep
what is lost will not be found no more, for i give up
why look??? what belonged and belongs to me will always be mine, but that which is not will never be noe matter how hard i try
my mind is a blur
my eyes are too swollen.
u helped meh pick out my glasses so i may see far well
but what i say, i don't need them for i already see who and how you are
you're nothing but a liar
a downright good for nothing liar.
but the thing is, i still love you.
forever and ever more,

well yeah. each line is kinda stupid. no bri boi, don't worry, i ain't saying it to ya....just needed to get it off my chest and sleep well tonite. as i've said...must need to regain my sleep. having uneven sleeping patterns now. sleep at like 3 and wake up at like 5:30. i dunno wuz wrong with meh. sighs. no wonder i have severe sever mood swings aye? i wish you'd talk to meh, ur making meh cry. i'm soo worried, i've lost you too. to the wind that blew, i thought u were more solid than that.....i still love you so even though you think u've betrayed meh. i understand, i can handle and cope, i'm over it for i cherish you as my friend. i need ur strength in times of need. and when i needed you, u were still there.....even if the reality hurt. but we all noe, dat reality i cannot make come true. no matta how hard i try....the fact being....i am who i am......true to my word....rather the honest truth kill meh than a lie of deciet. comfort is a funnay thing you noe. at times, harsh reality works the best, while other times....sweet sugar coated words are the only relaxers. as a person, u may never noe what the other is thinking...no matter the bestest of friends. i still don't care how u tried to help meh, just noe....i'm still here....open armed to give ya a hug when in need....but den again...i don't hug....just ain't dat type of person....
maybe dat's what i need to learn.....to learn to embrace without fear, but i've been raised that way.....great respect for all things...ain't supposed to touch thing that you cherish....it mite ruin it. understnad where i'm coming from ma??? sighs....miss you tons since you ain't talking to meh, afraid to call ya cause u seem very upset. it's my fault....sighs......i'e got much to learn.

when will my eyes open and see the light?
when will i learn to listen?
when will i be like my name and be happy, joyous and glad?
when?
sighs sighs.,....waiting for inspiration
waiting for new hope
waiting for a new beginning
long for nothing, but everything all at da same time
now what i want, i may not have
what i need, i must have
so therefore, i need you ....you noe i do
so i will have you as my friend even if it is only to meh

have you also left me?????
without you......i have no one left.
does dat mean u are letting meh go???
letting meh drift always by myself.....ready to drown???? why???
sighs......i guess i'll just need to find a life jacket and prepare for the plunge.....
sighs.....
is it true??? has my world come to a crashing halt???

what scares meh most are my dreams.....dey come even more frequently now.....each time i fall asleep.....even when i'm in class....of course i've never told n e one.....sighs......the scary thing....i ain't afraid of death, afraid dat if i don't survive, i still see all my loved ones around meh crying......sighs......

i'll give you that episode 55 wuz true in a sense. lyphe is a constant fight of survival. survival of the fittest is right, but it don't mean dat al da weak shall die.....cause u have no rite to kill. on the same hand, you can't always protect those who are weak, u haveta let those who are weak to stand on their own, if you don't let them stand and struggle, how will they learn to walk and run??? get the analogy???? get da drift???? everyone tells meh the same thing.....move on, let all ur crap away.....maybe what i need now is just never come bak....gr....but history always repeats itself...

lonely as a child, lonely as a teenager.....i will be lonely as an adult won't i????

went to that picnic today, and i don't get. everyone just likes to leave meh alone don't they??? but of course, they never make the first motive, why are they like dat??? why?!?!? i thought they were my good buddies. they never came up to meh, and i hadda go myself. i don't mind to go start up conversation.....but no one ever starts a conversation with meh. no one......why am i sooo dispised?!?!? why doesn't n e one ever come up to confront meh???? why is everyone so afraid of meh?!?!? why???

i've lost all self sense and self worth......i've lost all sense of companionship.....what i long for i will never have. what i've lost i will never find. why shall i care for sooo long??? why must i always care and no one care for meh??? i'd rather live a cold life never feeling ne thing, but then again, u all noe dat dat's not meh. sighs. why can't i just have amnesia??? sighs. maybe i shall just drive a car so dat i'll end my lyphe......maybe....just maybe....den no one hasta worry bout meh, and i don't haveta worry bout myself.....what the hell am i saying???

lyphe is a constant routine....u haveta get used to it, but why can't i get used to it? why is my lyphe so empty feeling??? why??? i'm left with no one, not even you. i have GOD. yeah, dat's a textbook answer. sighs....body feels too weak...wanna fly, wanna cry, just wanna spread my wings and learn to fly.....yeah....it's part of my lil song.....so yeah...noting i can say, nothing i can do, nothing.
nothing matters, lyphe is empty for meh. i'm just a walking living corpse. i've lost all hope, but if i hadn't got hope den i wouldn't post my thoughts to get em out, i wouldn't run to you if i had problems, i wouldda kept it all to myself, and as i see, i haveta do dat now, cause i have no one to run to. my tears are just hot water dropplets dat fall from my eyes. sighs.....if i could say so myself.....i feel hollow, am living a hollow lyphe.....sighs.....

"i wanna fly, i wanna cry, just spread my wings and learn to fly." da second verse to dat one wuz a happy one, but now i'll just scrap it and say i'll jump off da cliff.....*splat* there i go.

u have not betrayed meh....and even if you say so, and think so, i don't believe you have...
u noe what betraying is??? is more like bakstabbing.....equal in many ways....
yes, i may have needed your comfort cause i wuz running....running away....running away from what??? from what i did not understand, from myself.

u didn't not betray meh by confronting the harshness of reality.....
in many ways, i've been running away from all that
yeah, i don't know n e thing ne more, i ain't making n e sense....
in my darkest hours where is my light??? why is it soo dim that i can barely even see it???
where is my light?!?!?

everyone goes through hard times, but why do i allow myself to be tortured????
dere's soo much i wanna say, but sooo lil dat i can say.....
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
in a sense, i'm doing what you did, typing em all out....why???? cause to show you i actually still care....and what i honestly still believe.....it's to show you my "sing yee"
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
you didn't betray me
i did not copy and paste it, even though time after time, my brain wuz like, why aren't u just copy and pasting it??? i want to show you dat i am just as sincere as what you are trying to say....

ur feeling guilty yo....don't do dat......i don't want you guilty filled.....

not to you, but to another, there is much i need to say to you, so i shall call da first chance i have, i need to get this all off my chest, i will have you listening to meh even if you don't wanna face it......u wun read my thoughts afta da first sentence if you noe wuz going on....so i will haveta force ya to listen to meh....and dat i shall have....a moment when i'll be crying, angry and happy all at da same time.....will you ever tell da difference between all three in one??? prolly not.....so shall i not tell you cause well i'd rather tell you this in person, but you prolly still wun look into my eyes and just face da pain in my eyes. so i dun care.....i go looking and searching in urs....but u hide sumthing....u hide it away as if nothing happened....but i noe dere is sumthing.....U NEVER TELL MEH N E THING!!!!!
how could you do this to meh??? again???? grrr!!!! maybe i should just go and never come bak....never be seen on the face of this earth....get incinerated or sumthing......arg....going to run....but only to question where.....grrrrr......

well, lately i feel great.......why??? cause my mind is distracted.....about what??? i have no clue....i am just distracted.
hahaha=>:D everyone thinks i have like a new hair cut or sumthing....
oh yeah...peeps also think i dyed my hair again....man, is it getting dat light?!?!?
hahaha=>:D oh wellz....i got complimented bout how i look soo great........
muhahaha=>:D thanx peeps....muhahaha=>:D, but it's just a confirmation of the way i look.
black, i used to wear that alot to reflect my happy moods, now, i wear n e thing i find.
everyone thinks i'm a slut cause i wear short and like low cut tops....well ya'll can just go kiss my lovely lovely bum bum!!!1 hehehe=>:D
yupz yupz......i'm very hyper dis morn.....only got like 6 hours sleep doe.....so meh no noe....

simple and white.....is white supposed to simbolize n e thing??? i have no clue.....but to meh, i will never fly, even if i wanna.....i'd rather have someone bring meh on their wings. i'm reliant.....i'm kinda dependant, but as i've said, i'm very independant.....hahaha=>:D yeah, meh go wash ur dishes and clean ur housie. hehehe=>:D u say ur room's a mess....man, look at mine and u'll see da big big diff. muhahaha=>:D
but u noe, small things can go a long long way, a lil reaction or action done to someone not purposely could leave an impact for the rest of their lyphe.....hahahaha=>:d

change, i'm still afraid of it, but why should i be? i should yet learn to embrace it with open arms cause struggling with it makes it harder to life. Yet, through all this, struggling to keep self is important, it is always important. Struggling and not following the flow lets you learn things dat you've never known about urself, but those who don't struggle with change have a happy lyphe. i see this from everyone that i see. yeah, i'm an observer, i see, i draw conclusions, i try to understand. i can't say i'll always understand the way you are, but i can only try to. Lyphe is too hard and too short, but too long at the same time, to actually let everything just float above you without understand what it means. i suppose that is why i have such a difficult time now and then, because i just try to hard to understand and grasp a concept. when i can't, i'll feel useless and incompatent.....wait....spelt it wrong....oh wellz.....sighs sighs....

i still don't know myself, how can others noe meh??? i noe of me, and i noe bits and peices of me, but who is me? i will never noe, no one really actually knows the answer if you were to ask urself those questions. but the main point is, whatever way you use to look at lyphe......continue to look that way and find urself.....u'll find things u've never known......even if ur way of looking at things is a pessimistic point of view.

i don't know what is wrong with meh......
i'm on such an emotional high ride rite now
i can feel that the string is thin and i'm talently just walking across it very well
hahaha=>:d
oh wellz.....all but the string....even if the string snaps, there are other strings to walk upon.
don't i sound like a lil happy preppy lil gurly???
well da truth is.....i'll be down soon, but heck....i'm enjoying da way i feel rite now....
but den again...i will forget all the things that can trouble meh....and just finish and not stress ova n e thing....
hey.....i just noticed....it's almost william's and jacky's
hahaha=>:d
i haven't talked to em for soo long....oh wellz...
i just notice....some things fade....and hopefully...not all fade....
there are sum thing which never fade no matta how u want em to fade....and den are dose dat just fade cause u notice dat dey ain't dat important n e more.....
but friendships are always important.....ur friends bring up character......and at the same time....bring down if you don't change others and let urself be changed...
i'm not a really great friend, but if you want meh to be there....noe dis....i will be there....through the rain and through the sunshine......i don't even care if most of the time you are in the rain....just noe dat i will be there.
these thoughts were once extremely depressing, and now, they still are....but i will always remain who i am and the way i think may never change, but emotionally there will be ups and downs on this rollercoaster ride of lyphe. i have much to say, but much to lil to say. will one day i be heard by the world? am i being to harsh in saying that people never want to hear the truth??
hey....hearing the truth....tha's a very funnay thing.....

GOD's word= truth.....at the same time....people don't wanna hear it....but that is what causes people to come to GOD. 'cause all truth is stated sooo clearly in the bible in such a chaotic world. Society confuses the strong and the weak......
what you want u must obtain by self acknowledgement....u must learn and apply....without application.....everything is worthless....you do not learn......hope you understand that i'm not trying to be harsh.

these thoughts are written to many people cause most of my thoughts are never inflicted because of self incidence, but instead the pains and troubles of others. even though there are some people that say they have no problems....i noe they are lying....cause i can see the problems that face them, they just deny all those problems and face it by turning it into sumthing positive....i suppose everyone takes a diff look at things.....

u say you have no rite to love n e one. first and foremost i must say, no one has a right to love another person even if they love or do not love themselves. to give love and receive love is a miraculous thing, but to love oneself is the hardest of anything. can you not remember in the bible??? a time of such is when JESUS went bak to his home town....no one actually really accepted him....dey all "knew" him too well. in a sense....it's cause u noe urself the best and only you will ever actually understand urself completely. ur only wish is to find someone who'll understand you completely, and you may or may not in ur lifetime ever find that person.

u cannot look into the face in the mirror only cause u fear. u fear all that is in front of you.....u cannot hide from what you see....u only want to pretend that you do not see it. you wish that what was in front of you never be seen through ur eyes. it is only a want and a wish that you know will not happen.

u dun see a smiling face why??? u see an emtionless guy why??? no one is created without emotion, you know that.....u noe that far well. just because ur face is like the window to your inner being....it dun mean dat it does necessarily reflect all that is in ur heart or on ur mind. u see an emotionless person, and at times....everyone sees dat...only because dey don't wanna feel.....you don't wanna feel because u neglect all dat is good and only look towards da darkness and grey...but u noe far well that the earth is round and not squared.....even those who are blind find ways to see....

u say no one understand you, and i say the same thing, but first of all u must ask urself this.....do u allow those around you to understand you.....u asked meh if i should be talkative in a time of trials.....and what did i say to you??? i said this.....it's not a question of if you should.....it's a question of if you could.....knowing that you can, and you saying that you can't.....u're lying to urself....just becuase ur not a very socialable person dun mean dat u ain't talkative...mind you, talkative and socialable are quite different....but kinda one in the same at the same time.....but i think you know where i'm going with it.....to be social, u speak all the time thinking of topics to say....but being talkative in my eyes is to talk about something with full force, full energy. have you not felt that sometimes the only way to take out all ur troubles is to express urself??? in ur expressions.....it is a way of communicating....in communication, it's a way of speaking....speaking...relating to talk.....talk which mean talkative considering you use full force to convey ur thoughts of sadness or anger or happiness.

you hide ur sadness with an artificial smile, this being know to many but seem to only be known at the time by you. artificial happiness is happiness at the spur of the moment which only last for the moment.....true happiness and joy last all eternity....even through trials and harsh times.....if you had the strenght to endure through the happy times......u noe you can still go through the hard.....

to hurt and to feel hurt are one in the same....i suppose u understand now. neither one is a pleasant feeling.....both physchological and maybe physical.....endure....dat's a word dat follows perseverance.....without the other....neither can happen. where has ur three p's gone in this time of trial??? pray, patience and perseverance......u learnt it and taught meh....and now i feel as if i'm teaching you it again.....i guess some lessons are meant to be repeated along with the same trial?

u learn the lesson....because u still have the lesson in your heart....what you fail to do is actually learn to apply it. that goes with many other peeps.....for example, skool...everyone learns the concept being taught...but no one really learns to apply it until they find a job to apply it to....so da first trial taught a lesson....the later trials are to help you apply what you've learnt....heck, it's not easy at all.....you know it and i know it.....and those that don't, either are lying to themselves or really are just unwilling to see.

you are not a troubled soul.....u only lead urself to think you are a troubled soul.....u only allow yourself to become the troubled soul u were not meant to be.....u burnden urself knowing that you shouldn't burden urself. u think i don't know, but den again....u didn't tell meh what wuz exactly wrong.....some things i just understand....somethings i will never comprehend, but when u talk to meh about the ways of people, i will learn and accept....knowing that everyone is different. you know you are not a troubled soul cause you can still tell dat you feel burden. those that are troubled are those who allow nothing to touch them...allow nothing to shatter that wall of glass, fire, water, bricks.....whatever it may be....the point being....how can you know ur a troubled soul if not at one time u felt nothing to burden urself with??? if you've felt that point of no burden, then you know u were not made to be a troubled soul. i may not be making n e sense to you now, but think of this.....why am i taking the time to care for someone who calls themself a troubled soul??? u say, cause i'm that way......ur wrong.....cause i care and i see GOD has better lessons for you to learn to apply in ur time of need and trouble. i'll be cocky and say this, i'm an angel without wings......everyone is an angel without wings.....but one day.....that very day your wings will appear because you've found what you thought would never have....till that day.....u can only dream and wish of flying.....

you say you see a bit of soujiro saga in you....the truth is....he's in everyone....there are things that everyone wants to suppress....the matter is how the suppressed matters reappear in a person's lyphe. u think it wuz easy being in grade 7 and 8 in mca??? u really thought it wuz dat easy to be soo loud??? yeah....it wuz just a mask for the true unhappiness of meh, but the matter is.....i still tried to let myself enjoy everything around meh......even if i wuz a tourmented soul at the time being....a war within a war.....

you are going through a phase in your lyphe where all you wanna be is be the child that you once were...the thing is....you can still grow old and still be a child....just not the child you were at six....but a child who is knowledgeable and is able to control his or her's actions.....it is not this that screws people's lives over....it's how they react to the changing in lyphe dat messes up a person's lyphe. i say this....why fight it is the battle will always be lost. have you not heard people say "act your age" the truth being....people want you to be young at heart....but still be able to act your age even in a not too serious scenario.

hahaha=>:d in all that i'm reading....i sense anger....an anger soo blinding that you no longer really wanna listen or hear my words....but i will waste my breath for you hear whatever u may still hear..... u wrote your thoughts knowing that i would reply, but you also not wanting to hear my reply. i'm sorry that i inflict more pain. reality is harsh, and maybe i should state the harshness not so direct. ur being stubborn...but everyone is stubborn....u will not be cause you wun be...dat's da way i am....but dat's not da way you wanna be. what you need now is to really, earnestly ask for something....and P.U.S.H upon the matter.

ur not hopeless.....u may be pitying urself, but you ain't hopeless....one who is hopeless see's they are hopeless and wollows in self-pity.....you do not stay long in dat stage....and if you do....i beg of you....will you then tell meh what's wrong and plaguing ur mind of such insecurities. yeah....insecurities...what is plaguing ur mind are ur own insecurities....u are an insecure person....u are standing on firm ground, but yet ur ownself is weak....harsh aye??? but that's the reality of things.....i wish i could state the obvious without causing soo much pain....but the pain causes character sumtimes and sometimes it degrades character because u become harsh and cold and nonchalant bout things....please i ask of thee to not become so vine.

the time when you do not know what you are speaking are times when it reflects your total thoughts. i want you to be happy....so shall i be happy.....
it demonstrates much going on in ur lyphe...but ur words are well choosen to hide ur true complexity of your thoughts....there is much you are hiding...but much you have told.....i hope you take heart and be strong and courageous. there is no other way to face a problem than to face it.....or else you will always be in constant conflict with yourself.....

i love you.....even if you cannot love yourself....GOD loves you...even though you cannot love yourself.....GOD IS MY SHEPHERD I SHALL NOT WANT!!!! and again i say.....I LOVE YOU......hey, u have a gurl...hope she dun get jealous...but hey....I LOVE YOU...even if i say i hate you....i will never be able to hate you...why???? cause GOD has placed you in my lyphe to go through the thick and the thin.....or else....why would we have met in the first place???
I LOVE YOU, GOD LOVES YOU, and that is that.....now learn to love yourself....love is something achieved and earned....not sumthing given and taken. you will never learn love if you do not first face trials.....

no one seems to understand.....is it always my fault??? why is it always my fault???
am i rised to think that everything is my fault???
maybe it is....maybe it ain't....sighs....what can i do??? dere's nothing i can do, cept to change...
change....do i wanna??? do i haveta???
i wanna be happy.....but dat's all n e one ever sees.....
everyone just sees like self'pity when i try to say my problems.....why should i tell my problems to everyone if all n e ones says is dat my problems is self-pity. dat's stupid...grrr....it's evil....why dun peeps understand.
if everyone says dat all my problems are just self-pity, do you think i'd ever wanna say dem to peeps n e more??? dat's da reason why i dun speak much n e more.......no one wanna actually wanna hear what i haveta say.....dey just wanna figure things for emselves......self-centered??? i suppose....but den again...maybe not.

treatment of others.....okayz...everyone treats meh pretty well....but i suppose i dun treat em well enuff??? what can i say??? i have no clue......
i should love everyone even thought it hurts.....but why am i unable to do dat??? i just cannot love everyone....why???
sighs...maybe i loves everyone for too long and hurt tooo much.....sighs....i have no clue...

i am lost for words....dere are no words for what i wanna say....u just haveta understand what i am going through in my head....which no one would understand cause u ain't meh...nor will you eva be....
i wanna fly, i wanna cry, just wanna spread my wings and learn to fly.....yups yups...it's my song.....a very stupid song....but if you understand what i'm trying to say, u'd be da one flying.....so yeah.....i have no clue....cause i dunno muchie n e ways...
i just pretend to noe muchie....not dat i dun wanna noe alot. ddere's just alot of stuff i cannot noe cause i just would never be able to.

in my mind.....i can think upon my own philosophies....most other times when i am not thinking of my own philosophies....i'm thinking bits and pieces of song lyrics.....one i have is dis....i am nothing but mud to you.....it's from a song, but i can't really rememba which song....just dat i noe it ain't english....oh wellz. i have no clue.

well all my thoughts our long....why??? because i have much dat i wanna say dat i can't say cause peeps dun wanna listen to meh....at least even doe not many peeps read dis...at least i get it outta meh.....so yea.....hahaha=>?:D

i'm critical...very critical.....tonite miss universe was on....everyone dat went on stage....i could critisize....i mean...i could critisize about everything.....so in a sense....i wanna find someon dat i will not critisize....someone dat i cannot critisize...or eitha dat...someone dat accepts meh for onewho critisizes alot.....

so who are you??? can you handle my critisizm??? if you can't....why are you even my friend????

just cause i can see bad things dun mean dat i can't see da happy things....just cause most of my light is black...it dun mean dat i can't see da bright light ahead.......
man...all i can see in this miss universe is sooo fake....everyone hugs and kisses each other on da cheek.....as a sign of repect and stuff....but ewww....dey know dey dun really like each other!!!dere smiles are soo fake.....da damn woman only gives what da crowd wants.....it's soo disgusting in a way.....it's really grossing meh out..ewwww....wuz up with all dat i'm shocked look and actions on dere faces?!?!? it's stupid....sooo stupid.....grrrr......dese stupid like posers are like soo fake and driving meh insane!!!or maybe in a sense....i wish what i had what dey have.....a fake confidence......oh wellz....it's just dat i hate being around such fake peeps....and meh....i noe i'm fake....but with those who noe meh well......why would i need to be fake?!?!? i have no need to be fake......those who don't like meh....wun like meh........

well dat's all i have for tonite.....hahaha=>:d i have posted two thoughts...muhahaha=>:d funnay.....yupz yupz...l8a...luv ya....

what can i say? when i need rest because my body can't take all this n e more, my parents start yelling. dey dun let meh have rest....don't they understand that i have not been sleeping at nites??? do they not hear meh tossing and turning??? or when i am asleep....that i scream and i cry??? do they not notice???

they say i'm cold.....or i'm just "cool" they say i'm hopeless or have a lack of hopes.....they say that i give the impression that the whole world owes meh sumthing.....are they wrong???

am i cold??? i always thought i wuz compassionate and kind.......they say i'm hopeless....that i must disagree.....i just can't smile because i ain't happy on the inside, dat dun make meh hopeless. they say i give an impression that the whole world owes meh sumthing...maybe dat is my outlook of lyphe.....dat what comes around goes around.

of mice and men, da very ending.....harsh reality meet a lil compassion.....where's my compassion in lyphe??? where's what i deserve??? reality is harsh, u never get what u suppose u deserve....becuase if you really think about it.....u deserve nothing....no matta how good a person you claim to be.....truth is...deep down inside...u don't think of how corrupted you are and how quote in quote evil you are.

i suppose i give the impression dat the whole world owes meh sumthing cause well....i'm unhappy all da time......da same thing my family pisses meh off is da same thing why i can't tolerate my friends.....da only diff is dat i haveta tolerate my family cause dey live with meh day in and day out....i have no choice but to give em my love and respects.....
dey dun understand what type of person i am....dey do not understand dat i don't think like a typical person.....
i don't want to even say what i know most people would say.....all dey've told meh so far is u haveta live in da shoes of others to actually know how it is to live lyphe.....what da heck is all dat supposed to mean???
am i not living??? just cause i'm not enjoying dun mean i ain't living....yes....not living to da max of full potential, but it dun mean dat i ain't living...

i can feel da wind above meh....i can feel the earth below meh......what more can someone want?
i think i live a simple live....not too much money, but not too lilmoney dat i haveta stress....
grrr.....
well i dunno....meh feeling kinda semi lost......grrrrr

i just noticed how i long to stop thinking soo muchie.....wha.....it's amazing....
even before i sleep.....i think.....to ur surprise....not about death....even doe i have horrible dreams...
most peeps are like saying that i think too muchie about death.....
just cause i'm afraid of it dun mean dat i think bout it all da time...
whack....some peeps are just totally like sooo funnay.....
so in the same way.....i'm not afraid of like going up to random peeps and asking for dere pics....(long story) it dun mean dat i think bout doing it all da time....
hahaha=>:D
so yeah....it's kinda funnay....
oh wellz......just cause i have nerves to face sumthing as serious as death dun mean dat i will think bout it all da time....
hey.....what would u do in my situation???
u noe....now....i've been having dese dreams for like bout like 2 weeks straight everytime i sleep now.....
and i've only like told bout max 6 peeps bout da contents of da dream.....
everyone's like i should go see someone on it.....but should i??? i dun think i should.....
i can just predict all dat's gonna be said from everyone.....
just pray bout it......stop thinking......read da bible, get closer to GOD.....all dat stuff....
hahaha=>:D
even funnier.....told my friend....one of da ones dats always showing da motive to know, halfly cause it's her nature...and halfly cause she cares.......when i told her....i scared her at first.....but den she said i wuz just thinking bout death soo muchie......

oh wellz......last nite.....i guess it wuz kinda betta.....kinda just as bad....oh wellz.....i'll do find it funnay...muhahaha=>:d so yeah.....hahahaha=>:D

what can i say???? my thoughts are long...i have alot of mouth water......i live and strive to tell....but not spread.....
what i need is well....just sumthing dat i should be able to handle.....
hahaha=>:D
kinda funnay.....i can't even take care of myself and i wish to take care of others.....
way tooo funnay if you ask meh....
hahaha=>:D i'm an independant lil individual alrite....but i'm as dependent as hell.....
way too funnay.....
i'm convinced dat i still have much to learn....
yo yo......beat dis....4 pd days.....and like 4 early off days for da coming skool year!!!! yeah....dun dat just kick sum major assie?!?!? well u'll be seeing meh at ur skool quitez alotz now....muhahaha=>:D j/ks j/ks.....dat is when i get used to da bussie....muhahaha=>:d yupz yupz.....hehehe=>:D it's all kool of course....muhahaha=>:D having fun just htinking bout da year to come....heck...who noes da future....all u have is da present.....hahaha=>:D meh a dreamer....but a very critical realist at da same time.....ain't dat sooo controversial??? oh wellz....too bad for peeps....muhahaha=>:D yupz yupz....well i'm having fun typing up stupid thoughts....
i wuzn't sooo down as before today......even doe i woke up feeling extremely sick....muhahaha=>:d yupz yupz....oh wellz.....think i shall be calling more peeps now days......cause well.....let's see.....cause i feel like talking to peeps now....but no one wanna talk to meh;'( dat makes meh very sad......oh wellz.....dey can just go kiss my lovely a to da double s. muhahaha=>:D yupz yupz....gotsta go now....l8a ya'll......i would give you a kiss......but i ain't da type of person....i'd give you a hug....but well....i'd feel awkward....i wouldn't give you a handshake cause it would make meh cry.....so i'll just leave it at dis.....a lil glimpse of happiness on my face dat may or may not reflect on my face through my smile.....hehehe=>:D

i've given my all.....i've given my heart through all that i shall and can do....but u dun accept and all you do is neglect it....so what shall i do???? i will continue to give you my heart and my all......hahaha=>:D soooo peeps can just kiss it.....hahaha=>:d or in other words....shut ur hole or ur holes....muhahaha=>:D way too funnay.....it's all j/ks yo....j/ks!!!!! yupz yupz....l8a

You are Neo, from "The Matrix." You
display a perfect fusion of heroism and
compassion.


What Matrix Persona Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Young. Really young. I'd say anywhere from 15-35.
But you'll go out with a bang. You'll get in a
car accident or be shot. You'll never have to
see yourself get old. Sad though. Really sad.
By the way, its common knowledge that more
people with great goals and aspirations die
young. And if you want to die old, you'll die
young and vice versa.


At what age will you die?
brought to you by Quizilla
Tomboy


What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla



WHAT TYPE OF WILD CREATURE ARE YOU? (New Pictures!)
brought to you by Quizilla
-Sensitive- You're Sensitive, and you'd like to
stay that way. Sorry,listened to a bit too much
Jewel there. You're sweet and very emotionally
charged. You definitely love the person you're
with, and always want to know how they're
feeling so you can make sure they're happy.


What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla
Goddess of the Night. Beautiful yet a strange
darkness and sadness lurk about you.


What element would you rein over? (For Girls)
brought to you by Quizilla
Your Heart is Red


What Color is Your Heart?
brought to you by Quizilla
your bitch.


What swear word are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

at times, words and actions and motives aren't enuff......some battles are never won....
well maybe deem deep down inside....i may have been unhappy.....but i have no clue.....with those that i'm close with....no matta rain or shine....i feel brite as day.....
this week will not be a good one i predict....cause i had a horrible sunday.....and horrible sundays fall into a horrible category from bad to the most worst.....i'll prolly get injured by bumping into sumthing or sumthing this week....which normally happens when i have a horrible sunday.....
though my lyphe may seem to be in constant storms....the weather mocks meh with such nice sunshine. it taunts meh knowing that my true compasion is to be like shining sun.

a lost lamb....dat's what everyone is....when dey dun have christ....but it paints a lovely image.....so lovely to the point that i wonder if i could fall into that image. i am no innocent.....but to many of the ways of the world....maybe, and maybe not.

yes......suppose that my memories are not being suppressed only because i am willing to talk.....but each time i speak bout such things....i break down and cry....each and everytime....it's like peeling the scab off an almost healed scab.....everyone's afraid.....why is everyone afraid of tears??? why is everyone afraid of everything besides happiness???? is everything else that hideous??? comeon....some peeps need to face the music....not everything is with even notes and beats.....some are very uneven and with odd beats.....so what??? it's still music in it's own way....look at the big picture....not the lil things.....grrr....
why does everyone just see this lil gurly within ur own problems??? are they blinded by my unhappiness??? cause if dat's it.....i will not get it away.....cause i'd rather teach peeps with a living example of one who can still survive even though with many wars within....facing it not happily!!! yeah.....i'm stubborn....and i suppose i'm stuckup.....i run for help....knowing that i need it.....i talk to counsellors at skool knowing that they will never run to my parents...and halfly cause adults are normally willing to listen cause those of my age dun wanna understand peeps like meh.....dere rainbow colored world will always be soo colored world and will not accept the shade of black and white......

funnay joke.....well it wuz said in smallville...but it made a big impact on meh....halfly cause de expression wuz soo funnay....and halfly it has great meaning......
person numba one) you know, the world cannot always be seen in black in white.....
person numba two) so what??? u see the world in grey?!?!?
person numba one) ....

it's funnay i suppose cause i'm the person that sees everything as black or white...not wanting to see color....maybe cause i'd rather not be sooo complicating...but then again....maybe colors is what i am......cause i don't think a certain way and think about everything. i can think happy thoughs, sad thoughts, angry thoughts....all at the same time.....i live life knowing what is right and wrong and judging by what GOD thinks is right or wrong. of course i ain't perfect...nor close to perfect....but the fact of the matter is that there are things that just can't ever be comprehended. everyone struggles to be accepted...but then again....i'd rather be the loner who isn't accepted by n e one, but is accepted by everyone at the same time......cause a) the lone is constantly feeling kinda crappy all da time cause he has very few if at all n e friends and 2) cause everyone knows he's a loser.....so he's known in a way and accepted by the way he is......and meh.....i have not found a position to be accepted in n e way....besides dose who are very close to meh.....which is good....in a way......

bak to the analogy....i'd rather be said to be a lost puppy.....cause my whines are loud.....cause my complaints are always unpleasant...and mostly cause i have much whining and complaints.....sighs.....besides you and like 2 other peeps....rarely n e one wanna read my thoughts n e more....it's too bitter or salty for the taste of the happy-go-luckies out dere......i guess in grade 7 and 8 i wuz da happiest child ever......not cause i suppressed my past....but cause i wuz able to live on having forgotten most of it......now everything hits meh again....and i find i am unable to be as strong as i used to....or maybe cause i don't want the wall of fake happiness n e more....so i am able to express all emotions.....everyone thinks i'm just too sensitive......but den again....am i??? am i not cold??? saying i'm sensitive would mean i'm l ike burning fire that never goes out......but how in n e way??? just cause i am able to express myself and feel pain cause i don't want it any other way makes meh super sensitive??? grrr.....why are some peeps thoughts soooo narrow minded.....or maybe i am just too opinionated and critical......i have no clue.....i don't have an idea for many things...mostly cause i don't wanna know everything.....but the problem dere is dat i am very knowledgeable...no matta how i try not to be....i will always be knowledgeable cause you tell meh one thing and i will rememba if it's important.....
that is not always bad....but isn't always good....in many ways.....i'll always rememba everything that happens to meh.....i may forgive very very easily, but i may never ever forget only cause it's not in my nature....some things i haveta forget to be happy, but i can't forget....so dere's a big big dilema....so meh no noe.....

the fact of the matter, i go in circles instead of straight to the point...or maybe all my words go straight into the point that it feels like i'm going in circles.....through all these entries....my personality is revealed....why??? how??? u cannot see my expression through these words...but u are able to feel.....and u can imagine the thoughts going through my head....

meh never seem to amuse you (not in n e way disgusting), because i'm constantly thinking.....it's not like u haven't thought of the thoughts i have thought....i know you have....u dun even haveta tell meh cause it's just da way i say things in that makes u think muchie.....i noe dis cause....if someone said stuff like dis to meh....i'd prolly think about all da times i went through thinking bout dat.
ur shocked to hear dat i wanna be a phychologist.....yeah, dat's the thing....it causes thoughts to pop up in my head too....cause as u well know, i seem to have alot of emotional problems......and u noe i've been through enuff physical problems too......and the one who needs to be helped wants to help. u may ask how in any way may i help......this i say i can...why??? cause those who go through much distress always have a way to help......always.....my daddy says....if you never ask peeps to help you...how will you ever learn to help others??? then in the same way.....i'm happier when peeps tell meh dere problems.....even doe i noe dat dey dun tell meh n e more cause dey think i'm already too distressed....this means dey dunno meh too well. as you noe...ur strength and happiness sometimes comes from those around you.....it's a rubbing exsistance...it's like share the wealth kinda way....in that sense....i'm like dat....cept knowing that i can help, helps meh feel betta. my lyphe is a constant battle of accpetance and acknowledgement.....times don't ever change.....battle through my young years were for the same thing, but of course it did not seem that way when i wuz lil, but hey, it's alritez.....what can i do bout da past aye??? just hoping to look forward to whatever comes.....

something i learnt from a surmon a week before i broke up in february.......LOVE CANNOT BE FORCED.....NO MATTA HOW MUCH YOU LOVE OR THE OTHER PERSON LOVES.....LOVE IS SOMETHING THAT IS TAUGHT TO ACKNOWLEDGE THROUGH THE ACCEPTANCE OF THE MATTER....IT IS TAUGHT TO RESPECT AND REGUARD....in a sense....i believe my mission is done, at least to the mission to learn to love....cause i know i am capable of loving....

now my mission is to find a way to stand alone in the storm and survive....but along the way.....finding others to help the lost battle....

why can't i sustain happiness??? why can't i sustain peace at heart??? why am i sooo troubled???
why do i have such a reoccuring dream??? i'm scared....not scared to die....just scared of why this is happening to meh.
i'm confused.....
chilling for a day with a great friend let meh see things in ways that i never actually saw things....
we always say how much we are similar....in ways....yes.....but even in similarities....there are many differences....
hahaha=>:D i am addicted.....yes....not to drugs no duh.....u weed smoker....muhahaha=>:D j/ks j/ks....CUT BAK ON DA WEED SMOKING SMART BOI!!!!!! BUHAHAHAH!!!!!!! the thing is....i have no clue.....ur analogy is smart.....i suppose.....but elastics do snap....and when they do.....the elastic will never be the same again unless it wuz melted and made bak to it's original form.
sighs....i dunno....u say you read all my words trying to take in everything......hahaha=>:d i say, my words are stupid.....and dey hurt like a sword that has no handle.....it hurts meh along with the person i try to poke at.....episode 55....i suppose it's a good meaning.....what u see mite not what i see.....i suppose dat message is sumthing i should take into heart....u see.....what gets you through lyphe ain't what gets everyone else through dere lyphe......or another message would be....there are times when everything could apply at a certain point in ur lyphe.....
in the same sense....i mite be totally getting into like da wrong meaning with that episode.....but hey.....i haveta admit dat it's still a strong message altogether....likely as all anime contain harsh teachings most times....just depends if u put ur thought into thinking behind the words that were said.
like wise, words can just be plain words....determines the length the person thinks.....determines the way the person on the inside is.....

i don't have many words n e more.....i suppose church brings meh no joy at all......or maybe.....just the chruchie i'm in brings meh no joy cause all i ever wanna do when i'm in dere is run out. sighs....my heart feels sooo divided amoung sooo many.....i've scattered pieces of meh in those around meh....and it seems that only a handful has return me bak to me.

once again....i fall apart...wishing to be happy for a longer period of time....my daddy says i'm always soo dazed and unthinking....sighs...if only he knew how much i thought.....i wish i would be dazed and not thinking.....just a dream now. i would say i would always be myself....but the truth is....i wanna not be meh...and i am willing to go though life as sumone without the money or lyphe i have.....i feel soo tormented.....

forgetting.....i say i wanna forget....but i can't.....yeah.....i wuz laughing...yet....u prolly knew dere's sumthing hollow bout my laugh....sighs....i'm just a hollow bag of skin and bones......sighs...wait....if da bag wuz empty dere would be nothing in it....man...bad example......i'm just a bag of skin and bones.....with a mind that thinks way too muchie for a gurl at the age of 16......of course....i'm still younger dan ya....muhahaha=>:D

unhappiness is a repelent of lyphe.....u don't enjoy n e thing when ur feeling down.....it's just a waste of time to feel down i noe...but really.....i think there is sumthing majorly wrong with meh......maybe i have chemical imbalances.....maybe i have a brain tumour....blah blah....prolly not......hahaha=>:d everyone just thinks i have major mood swing problems....but i noe otherwise....i swear the only place that prevents meh from thinking is when i'm at work....when all i haveta handle is the boss who is an ass-bitch....well i dunno......when i'm distracted with other peeps' thoughts.....i dun seem to think as much and feel as miserable.....when i wuz with you last nite.....i wuz distracted i suppose......watching all those anime......muhahaha=>:D my eyes hurt....j/ks j/ks......grrrr to dose anime episodes......makes meh think....man...need sum brain washing cartoon dat gets everything outta my mind cept da lil character on da screen....wait...dere is one....SIMPSONS!!!!! muhahaha=>:D

being with you finally showed meh what i wuz missing......i don't lack character......i don't lack independance.....but i am also dependant as hell when it comes to certain things.....or else...why would i follow you around like a lil lost puppy yesterday????did you notice dat???? cause well being me....of course i noticed....i guess i lack guidance and support.....i have that from CHRIST....or at least am supposed to....but i've become insensitive to his words....i guess i noe what GOD is trying to do to meh now....he's trying to knock my wall down with my own thoughts and my own way of thinking......so far.....it hasn't worked.....but maybe he has a betta plan....wiat.....of course he has a betta plan....i remain insensitive to my family.....but am i insensitive to those who i call my friends??? i don't really talk to n e one n e more.....did you notice dat??? if i wuz still in grade 8 and i wuz over....u know...u'd get annoyed of meh cause i wuz soo loud and never shutting up......but now....i don't even talk...
dat's da thing.....today....da only words i spoke were....i'm fine.....*fake smile* i'm fine.....i suppose when i don't smile...and don't talk...dere's always sumthing wrong with meh....i've even told peeps dat it's true....hahaha=>:D but it hurts....cause even doe dey noe i ain't okay....all dey can do is act as if dey are concerned and ask a simple question and then leave.....even who i considered as my good good friend didn't say n e thing....she asked meh what wuz up and i said nothing......i knowing that she knew there wuz sumthing wrong with meh. it hurts meh to see how unconcerned peeps are.....not everyone is willing to burn themselves along the process of fixing....it's like the handy man and hitting his thumb with a hammer.....
why am i always the one that must take the first step.....why can't someone else great meh with open arms and an open heart??? i'm getting sick of all this stuff......i always haveta be the one to walk the first step cause everyone else is afraid......and even when i dun take da first step....no one moves.....dis is just bs......i suppose i only have like 2 true friends....and both of em are totally concerned bout meh....not that everyone ain't....but that they actually take the first step to ask meh and continue asking even doe i say nothing. the rain is getting harder....and it's starting to flood....i can't swim for too long.....can someone just toss row a boat along so i can get in??? my parents used to tell meh that i haven't reached the shore line yet....and that i'm just floating in the big big ocean......i suppose they are rite....cause my shore is upon the ground i stand being flooded.....the ocean occuring because of my tears and those that i cannot cry out...the tears u have within you may be what drive you....but those that i have cried and those that i have not cried are flooding meh...what i need are one of two solutions...or maybe both...one being the sun to evaporate all the water....or two....a life boat that will forever float and carry meh in it.......do you think i'm being reasonable????

the ocean is always full......never will it be empty, but the tears i cry only ever add to the ocean volume which i am unwilling to swim.
i will continue living in question and in doubt.....my answers to lyphe are simple textbook answers which i have, just never applied.....lyphe doesn't agree with meh cause i lack the willingness for change......but in many ways....i've changed drastically.....n e one care??? nope....oh wellz.....