i can call you pessimistic.....and i can also call you realistic.....either way....you look at the world just likes how everyone else does. it's just that most people do not want to admit that that is the way they see things. they wish just to make it easier for themselves so they wish not to see how things are like to you.

i'm sick of this depression. i'm sick of wanting to stay home. i'm sick of wanting to be alone. i'm sick of just being sick. i'm sick of everything and everyone. i'm sick of all this sickness in the world. i'm just sick of being sick. blah blah. raunchy day? nah nah.....good day infact.....just bad for thinking i suppose. sick of all this sadness. sick of it!

keke^^ isighs sighs....haven't been here for sooo long....sighs sgh... oh wellz....if you have the time....call me or message me ar....

sighs....miss way too muchie....

i'm wondering why i prolong to meet you. hm...is it some psychological issue with me that is not conscously, but subconscously....wow...me no able to spell...

any person could have told you that first love is not necessarily the first person you go out with. trust me.....definately not my first love was not the first person i went out with. the first person i went out with was more out of pity than n e thing else....but meh...

from the place we are now.....there will be a great tough journy behind and infront of us. there is always a greater attraction for the unknown to constantly travel then to stay in safety where we understand the whoele surroundings.

le mistique.

hm...my back is soo ugh now....ew!!!

you don't need to defend yourself with force...sigh sigh

i'm a girl with few words...but on with manyt thoughts that can't be expressed in any other way except words. how i wish that everything was alrights. how i wish that peopoe would understand the way i feel. i just wish that people would understand why....

my dear old blog....how i love this thing...keke^^. it's the only reliable thing that i have at the present moment. for one thing...it's the only thing that doesn state back thing that they think is stupid or how i should be or shouldn't be.

it doesn't talk back...it just doesn't talk. but sometimes even this get-away for me becomes a bit too lonely for my lonely.

just go away...just go away....=.=

args...felt like a biatch....just gave my daddy attitude...=.=

gonna go sleeping soon...

gonna go to bed and try to ignore everything going through my head....args args...l8a l8a

i'll add you as my friend...don't see a problem with that.....but if you do...i won't...

where do i go to run to tell my problems? no one listens.....at least to me n e ways.....i mean...they listen....but they don't care.......

i'm only here to listen to your problems...but will you listen to mine? am i even willing to tell you n e more?

no honor among theives.

i just don't believe that....there is honor with anyone....just depends what your relationship is based on i suppose. sighs sighs...

depends how big the theif is then....and how cold he's already become....blah...gotsta sleep...sighs sighs.... hungee....and depressed....

i don't run to n e one with my problems n e more.....sighs sighs.

am i starting to care less about everything and eveyrone? sighs sighs

amd i honestely growing cold to it all? sighs sighs.

even friends use each other. the only way to not use n e one is to not know n e one at all......but meh...everyone has their shares of ups and downs...

i really know how GOD feels now.....

it hurts to love someone that sees you as nothing at all. no, not romantic love, but just love in general like caring for someone. i think everyone does know...it's a matter if they care to understand or not. blah.

people use me...you think i don't know cause i'm "too honest" blah. rubbish. if you really wanted to think.....you'd know that well...i don't care if you use me or not....i'd rather be used then have no purpose at all.....i care and if it'll make you happy and satisfied.....i'll go almost to anywhere and do anything....but of course...there is a limit to which i do not cross......i am human...and humans have limits...

nothing is worth flipping everything upside down and changing the world just to change one mistake.....therefore....i believe in no regrets.....

you won't loose her.....she's your friend...she'll always be your friend...she's in your heart. and you know it. the question is if you are in hers....she is intentionally ignoring you..so therefore...she does have you in her heart in one way or another...

have i made you determinded yet? have i reassured you what you must say? keke^^ i only question you cause i know what your answer is....i just want you to be sure what your answer is la.,,,...keke^^

i just figured that i could never leave here.....i'd miss my friends way too muchie!!!

sighs......maybe everyone's just meant to be my friend. i can't treat my boyfriend higher than i do n e one else. args....sighs sighs. maybe that's why i'll remain single for the rest of my life...or at least for the time being...sighs sighs...args args...evil!!!

ren ren dao yi hui wo bu ke yi shou de......yew.......wu liao......blah...

blah......hey...my mandarin is good for a cbc that's canto at birth....and my cantonese is still good for coming to canada at 2.......you have a problem with my conto and mando skills....yeah.....you can just go kiss my ass cause i don't need your comment is i suppose. man...i talk as if my blog is gonna talk bakie. but i know it won't....it can't...cause i don't want others to read and be able to like leave comments.... blah...

well i haveta sleep tonight.....my eyelashes are still sticking together...

yeah val....i am weird....i like the clumpy feeling of my eyelashes. i don't like it when it feels like i have nothing on. yeah...it's weird...actually...nothing i own is comfortable. and here's the reason why....if i simply just don't feel....i'll constantly question if i exsist or not....at least i feel pain....

yo....can someone tell me what loosing teeth in a dream means?!?! i've been having dreams always about rotting teeth....i'm always having dreams about loosing all my teeth....i'm always having dreams where my teeth fall out why i'm eating stuff and such...args...what does this mean??!?!?! args args......

why do i care what others think? why is it soo important to me? sighs sighs....i really gotsta go to a new church...this won't do....i'm living my life as a person that doesn't know GOD. i have no liek feeling of churchiness or whatnot. blah....gotsta go and search for a new churchie...maybe i'll end up going to urs...but maybe i on't go at all??? sighs sighs....most likely going to go to bcbc cause i'm moving to brampton n e ways.

unless i marry soon....i won't ever leave here.....but do i really wanna leave? so i wanna leave canada and come back later? i don't belong here cause everyone says i'm too chinesie....and if i go back...i know i am too white...what the hell?!?!? a rgs args.......i don't belong n e more....

args...what will i do??? how can anyone help me? so i see....i am chronically depressed....args....or maybe it's just that i am a thinker that thinks about everything and everyone and nothing all at thes same time. it's frustrating. it's always about me me and me......why am i sooo selfish? args.....i haven't posted a happy thought for a long long time.....wow...sighs sighs.....i mean...i've had happy times....but most others....i'm notthat happy...sighs sighs....

got burnt...now my back is peeling...sigh sighs...sux ass....hope i don't really die cause of cancer!!!! args args.....

-i suppose i really am bottling myself up from everyone. i suppose i don't want to share my problems n e more., even to those that ask me, i don't tell. i really don't have the heart to tell the world of my problems. sighs sighs. i don't know why.....but what happened to me? why am i sooo afraid?

sux ass....args.....i am stressed....and i just can't stop eating..a.rgs....substance abuse....args args....

hm....can't understand why....but i really miss the way i used to be. but then again....everythign's been soo different since all that coulda happeneed didn't. blah. now i must say that this is my blah factor. can't stop thinking...but i'm not thining about what i should know for chem...blah blah....tired...sighs sighs....

don't know why and don't know how....but i seem to put on masacara continually....and i can't help it cause day after day....i can't stand to not have it...args.....substance intoxication....args.....more like obsession...grrr.r.....

hm....no one reads my blogs....i just write way too much in one day...sigh sighs...i know...how very sad...so maybbe i should stop saying what's on my mind to gegin with....blah blah blah

wow brian.....i like that story....sighs sighs......i really really like that story!!!!

i am not afraid to suffer. i am not afriad to cry. i am afraid of the dark....you got a problem with that? with the darkness comes the fact that i feel alone. with loneliness comes the true dwelling that i am not worth anything. I know i matter, but why do i still feel worthless? i suppose it's just human to wish for happiness. hm. well then maybe we can suffer together.....for you know....two is better than one. pity the man that falls and has no one to pick him up. keke^^ i quote what i should not quote. i am not worthy of quoting anything. stuff that comes out of my mouth becomes trash and no one cares...

but the truth of the matter is still this....no one thinks that my answers are right. well there are a few people that treat my opinions like an equal if not more. sighs sighs. i am greatful for those people. without those people....i'd feel like trash most of the time. sighs sighs. should i go to the party or should i not? sighs sighs. i hope i don't get caught! sighs sighs. okayz...gotsta go...l8a l8a...

sighs...it's not that i don't believe....sighs sighs...it's not that i don't read. you just don't come up to me with your problems...there's nothign i can do if you don't come to me. i can't help you. sighs sighs. it's not my fault. keke^^ so yeah....blah to you to. but you know...i care...even though you don't think i should because i ain't all that close. i care....and it's not just cause you are my friend. i care because i genuinly think you matter. don't worry.....if you need someone....i'm here whether you like it or not...i'm here to stay...at least for the time being.,....so yeah...

sighs...i always go for the same type of guys...the ones that'll dissappoint me...meh....i'd rather just stay friend den....

all i asked for was someone like him....and then someone like him did come....not like the old one....but the new way he is. args....sighs...frustrating.....do i look easy? do i look like i have everything? do i look like i actually care? yeah, it's my fault. but i really can't stop thinking that you are my friend...even though i stopped talking to you because you stopped tlking to me. sighs sighs. you don't know what i'm talking about. you don't know who i'm refering to. but do you think i care?

sighs sighs. honestly....everyone thinks i'd be cold by now. everyone questions why i still care about people like that. people man......do i look like i'm cruel? sighs sighs. i don't want a player. i want someone who'll love me for who i am...not what i have to give...gotsta sleep now....good nights to all you people....

those who truly suffer strive to be happy....

i don't know why i feel this way...but i need to study more now...args args...

reality is a bitch...but there's nothing we can do. the only thing we can do is to enjoy what we have now and don't regret what we cannot have.

but then that sounds very hypocritical. i always regret. one thing or the other...but meh...could be worst couldn't it? i mean....i don't consciously regret ne thing...but then i do sometimes not knowing or not thinking that i did. hm. meh. as long as i know i live in the present and not the past....it's all good.

okayz....so here's the list.....so far....i like too many people starting with "w". or at least the two that sound soo funnay cause i say it soo quickly that it sounds like one person. or so everyone says..... and then there's something wrong with me and people named "ken" cause it just never works out. nor will it ever work out with people named ken. weird aye? keke^^ okayz....then there are those that start with b....that all sound like brian, bryan, byron, ben, and so on.... then there are the matt's the mikes, and the marks. hm.... then there are the chris', christian, caleb...yadee yadee yada.....sooo weird.....

not my fault that most of these people are asian...keke^^ too bad.....i'm just not into white boys like everyone believes i should be. keke^^ yupz yupz.

i dont' know what i should do....i really want to go to that party on saturday...it's like the highlight of my weekend. since it starts at eight...then i'll be studying the whole da till like 7:30ish...maybe i should make a deal with my mommy. hm....yeah...okayz. i will do that. and i'm pretty sure my mommy won't say no. so yeah.

uncommon to popular believe, just because i write about thoughts of loneliness does not mean i am afraid to love. if you say i am afraid to love, what do you think i have between you and i? a bond of friendship is still a bond of love. jsut because friendship does not come in the same box as a boyfriend girlfriend relationship does not mean it is not the samething. do you not have compassion on a friend? do you not have simpathy on a friend? do you not want a friend to be happy? in the same way....is that not how any relationship is? every relationship is based on love.....when you have love in a relationship...everything else just follows.

getting more nervous...

sighs...stressing soo bad...havning an anxiety attack....can't breath properly...and the milk i drank at dinner isn't doing me n e good either. sighs sighs. please pray for me. i don't know why...but in times like this....i freak out soo bad that i cant even breathe properly.

args....bad hiccups

down in the dumps
great is the pit that is dark and gloomy
great and deep is the pit that we fall into
winds blow, but we cannot feel
rain falls, and we slowly drown
sun shines, and we slowly wither
suffocation, no breathing, heart pounding, eyes tearing.
vision blurred, voiceless speech.

wow...i suck.....can't write anymore....gr....

sometimes, the shortest relationships mean the most because it's not quantity, but quality....

wow....been singo for a long time now....wowwie....keke^^ oh wellz.....

hm....args...not really called wasted if i don't get totally hungover...but meh...whateve...

hm.....can't get wasted....but close to it this saturday!!!

meh....still kinda having q's. so far....no one says it's wrong to treat a boyfriend like a friend. but at the same time.....they say a boyfriend is somewhat different. meh.

aw.....that just made my day.....keke^^

someone actually reads my thoguhts!!! YIPPEEEE!!!!!

sighs. i just noticed that i treat friends better than the way i would treat my boyfriend. and the way i treat my boyfriend would be the same way i treat a friend. so in a sense, that makes me feel bad. hm. i suppose your boyfriend is the person you should trust alot. the person you date should be someone you can talk to. hm. but yet if i treat my boyfriend like just a friend, is that wrong? hm....sighs sighs. maybe i take relationships to casually, but i know i actually don't. i take them more serious than most portions of my life.

is it wrong to treat your boyfriend like another friend?

sighs...people....i miss you...but do you care??? nah...

sighs....i can't help but to think that everything's my fault. but then i always think it is. sighs sighs. jean is still right. i only think i need a guy cause having someone round keeps me happy. and when i do get into arguments they are soo minor that i admit that i am wrong knowing i was. sighs. and when i tell val, she doesn't understand.....and rache....well she doesn't either. when i tell them why i need a guy or why my constant feeling of loneliness....it's rather disturbing how they answer me i suppose. i believe that those that understand my situation will still always be those that know me best....being jean and bri....

sighs sighs. i suppose if i had a guy....the person wouldn't stay with me long.....they'd prolly just say that i am too needy. sighs sighs. oh wellz. it's not my fault now that i feel lonely. it's just a normal human feeling. sighs sighs. oh wellz.

i suppose i help people because i know that i don't want people to feel like i do constantly. sighs sighs. no one thinks i'm important....and they only think of me when they are in trouble. this i know because it runs in the family. it's because i'm loyal. it's because i'm honest. and it's because i try to figure out thing before i do many things. sighs sighs. i wish my friends would just call me once in a while. i mean val calls me and it just so happens that everytime she calls i'm out driving. sighs sighs. but even with val....i can't bring myself to pour out my soul. i can't seem to pour out my soul to anyone. sighs sighs. people using gps system to stalk people.....yeah... stalk me....and i'll show you sumthing you never knew about me!!!

sighs. not all people that are philosophical regret the past my friend. they may wish they did something differently, but as that does not mean that it is regretting, as long as they acknowledge that they live in today, not yesterday. sighs sighs. no matter how much i try to help.....it's not like it's doing any good. you don't talk to me about your problems...and i go out running to you with anything and try to talk just because i want to know what's going on in your life. but you don't tell me. but i simply refuse the fact that i must leave. anger is within all of us. no matter how long we haven't written or said anything with much anger doesn't mean that it isn't in us. you despise humans for a great reason. one that is honorable....but you see, you are christian, and if GOD can love something so despicable as a human, you can too. hating is easy, to love is much harder. frustration in any manner, shape, or form is not healthy, but it's not like i can do anything about it. as a human, i will say this, i will allow myself to be called a pathetic creature, i have become pathetic. many generations of sin have created a creature called SABINA. this creature is me. another human to be hated in your line of vision. i am hurt by your frustration, but it's not like you care because you hate pathetic creatures called humans. sighs. if you view love as something bad, i cannot convince you...nor will i try to convince you. i shall leave forever then. that's the beauty of love. humans don't deserve it, but no matter how hard we hide from love, GOD will be there, with open arms. you can hate him....but it would not be possible for him to hate you. you can hate everyone....but don't expect everyone to hate you......for one thing.....i know i cannot...no matter how hurt and how many tears you made me cry, i just won't hate you.

meh....tired....but whateva....should i sleep early tonight? i think i shall....hm... well gotsta do some hmwk first....

args..
tired...

hm...when i die...would people like make a memorial of it?? prolly not......

hm.....i don't know why......but for some reason..... i can't tolerate people who tell me they still have feelings for their ex's...so basically....i hate myself.....yet another reason....oh how very sad.....

oh i just finally found it....and i completly love this....it's sooo sweet...

Whatever your cross
Whatever your pain
There will always be sunshine
After the rain
Perhaps you may stumble
Perhaps even fall
But God's always there
To help you through it all


kekeke^^ yeah....christian....proud of it....

no one reads my thoughts...maybe it's cause i don't really give out my like thought pagie out muchie....but meh.....i could care less....

args.....on an average day when i feel like crap....i post like 15 entries...why the hell? hm....on an average week.....i post 12 thoughts a day....hm...that's like 1.2 a day. hm.....weirded out. hm. my profanity level is rizing. sighs sighs. i can only pray that my chemistry project works for me.... hm...don't call me, i won't talk to you. i just don't feel like talking to people that i know so very well. i just don't feel like talking period. sighs sighs. i really really miss you people....but who do i miss? hm. see.....i haven't remained friends with many people that i know....i just can't help it i suppose.....emeh....

why do all you darned people drinking soo muchie? why the hell do you fucking like to drink sooo muchie? oh my goodness....i haven't sworn for sooo long....oh shittaz.....args....

hm....gotsta go take a shower now....sihg sighs...gotsta study for a physics test...sighs sighs...
not velly happy....super hungee....

sighs sighs....if you live this way at this age...does it mean when you are a parent that you will stay this war or become more like your parents? hm......

sighs......gotsta study....

sighs......gotsta study....

sighs.....i'm sooo hungee.....

hm.....people want to help me. some genuinely care. but then there are those that sick of helping because they think that i'm just a waste of time. so basically....if people say i'm a waste of time....should i just not help them too? see.....i might do that subconsiously......but i try not to and i try to help everyone that wants my help.......but as i say....people try to avioud me....they try not to come near me. they think my emotions are some sort of disease......sighs sighs....

hm.....people want to help me. some genuinely care. but then there are those that sick of helping because they think that i'm just a waste of time. so basically....if people say i'm a waste of time....should i just not help them too? see.....i might do that subconsiously......but i try not to and i try to help everyone that wants my help.......but as i say....people try to avioud me....they try not to come near me. they think my emotions are some sort of disease......sighs sighs....

hm.....people want to help me. some genuinely care. but then there are those that sick of helping because they think that i'm just a waste of time. so basically....if people say i'm a waste of time....should i just not help them too? see.....i might do that subconsiously......but i try not to and i try to help everyone that wants my help.......but as i say....people try to avioud me....they try not to come near me. they think my emotions are some sort of disease......sighs sighs....

hm.....people want to help me. some genuinely care. but then there are those that sick of helping because they think that i'm just a waste of time. so basically....if people say i'm a waste of time....should i just not help them too? see.....i might do that subconsiously......but i try not to and i try to help everyone that wants my help.......but as i say....people try to avioud me....they try not to come near me. they think my emotions are some sort of disease......sighs sighs....

my pc sucks...args args....oh wellz....i'm hungee....so velly hungee.....but i have nothing to eat...sighssighs. why don't my legs tan? args args....so velly annoying. sighs sighs....i really miss life....sighs sighs. why ain't i happy? why does no one care? but then again.....there are alot of people that care about me. hm....i suppose i'm a depressing person. i depress people when they are around me. sighs sighs. they think that my thoughts are despicable. sighs sighs.

sighs......why does my head hurt soo muchie. i wanna job....but then again....do i need one? args.....i'm sooo hungee.....args args.....why am i sooo hungeE???? sighs....feeling sooo singo again....oh wellz....where's my buddies? but then again.....i've been avoiding everything and everyone.....those that i hang with prolly don't notice this....but i normally tag along in the back or walk super fast trying to avoid all the things that people are saying and try to ignore everything else going around. i dont' know why i feel sooo crummy....but i do. i had the weirdest dream again. it was so weird....but then again....i've been having bad dreams for a long time. hm....what does loosing teeth mean for a dream? hm. what does chasing something mean in a dream? what does it mean to fall in a dark black pit? i really believe that i am trying to tell myself something that i just can't figure out. sighs sighs.

why do my legs look so prickly even though you can't feel it???

need something new to do....need something new to like think about......skool's stressing me out...args args...i'm so velly tired...sighs sighs.....i will write that test.....i have no option even though it is optional....sighs sighs......i don't do anything right....

sighs sighs....missing my hottie...wait...what am i saying? oh wellz. meh soo velly hungee and tired...sighs sighs. oh wellz....hm...so velly stressed....i feel like crying...but what can i do? nothing...sighs sighs. i don't know...but why are you on my mind all the time? why? why can't i forget you? why? hm. at least i'm not getting depressed at what i had. hm. but then again...i've never lived a bad life. i've had a fantastic life. keke^^ but i suppose i haven't been fulfilling my task on earth. args....i am so hungee...args...but there's nothing to eat!!! args args.

need a new game to play. but then again...my thoughts have been quite self-centered.

all my friends are going through relationship problems. one doesn't like her boifriend n e more.....on girl is being mistreated by hers...and one....they are going to have a long distance relationship. but what can we do? i can't do anthing for them except sit here andhole everything will go well with them. i don't feel like going to fs. so i doubt that i will go. sighs sighs. i don't know why....but i just don't feel so happy. all i want to do is hide in a corner and never come back. sighs sighs. oh wellz....

why am i so desparate to get away from daily routine? why am i so desparate to just leave? hm....oh yes...reading...back to reading books...hm....it's weirded me out.....here goes....those that want to live loose it and those that want to loose will gain it.....hm.....

does anyone have music with a heavy beat preferable without words in it?

it's kinda weird......not many people post thoughts on a daily basis. i wonder why i have such a great need to express all my thoughts and get them out of me. i really wonder why. sighs sighs. got bitten on my elbo...the worst spot...it itches sooo bad! args args. oh wellz. no biggie...used to it. keke^^ exams are coming soon...and i'll be stressing again...so yeah....love ya miss ya.....l8z

da dee dee dum da dee dum da dee dum. da da dee da dee dum da dee dum da dee dum. blah blah blah.......

the trouble with love is.....it can tear your heart apart....make your heart believe a lie.....and it's stronger than your pride.....hm....wonder why these lyrices are still stuck in my head....i am not in love...and i do not love anyone...well maybe i do...just not consiously....meh...

hm....some reason...addicted to like music that's only beats. but i hate beat boxes....hm...whack...

man....i don't know what's wrong...but i really like feel like crap....and i'm pissed off...but maybe i'm just tired...sighs sighs.

synonyms to apathy.... Insensibility; unfeelingness; indifference; unconcern; stoicism; supineness; sluggishness.

so basically....indifference. meh.....do you really live life apathetically?

sighs....i think i'm falling in love with the first cute guy i see....or at least saw...this is sooo disgusting.....args...i'm going through that phase again....eww....ewww.....

i'm just stressing about way too much a little to late...sighs sighs.....but meh...whateva.....

sighs sighs....i don't know why....but all i can think of to say is this....when i learn to drive...the first person i go to see purposely is to go see you....and this person....you know who you are...... i think you do and hope that you do know at least. but meh....time will tell. it's dangerous to drive...and i suck at it....i can only pray that i will get better....

well i was reading one of those boooks on psychology as i normally do...since my interest is only in psychology or at least how one's mind begins to think. i think it is interesting...but you may not. but anyways....one thing really affected me when i came to reading this little line that was only about a 4 worded sentence. it goes like this, "apthy results to nothing." and to that i add this....nothing results from apathy. yes....many say that i am apathetic.....but yet i am more sensetive than most. weird aye?

the past is what defines us as being us.....but it's how we live to what affected us in the past that really counts. so rather shall i say it is the way we live because of the past that defines us. it is unimportant of what happened in the past, but how you reacted and are reacting to it that matters. but saying it that way still makes the past important doesn't it? i don't know how to make the past sound unimportant....but maybe it's more like the past is important...it's just a matter of if you dwell on it or not.

oh...on the topic of the past...great topic....the sermon was about the past too. and i started to cry....it was like practically talking to me for some reason. sighs sighs. i can't really remember how he said it...but he said something that went like this. the past shouldn't hinders you as a christian. the little gap that the past has created was meant to be there to be filled with the love a GOD. that emptiness is important. you yearn for love after hardships....it's normal....but the love of GOD is and will and should be what fills that yearning.

args args.....tired.....hm.....well i'll be back soon...gotsta go...l8z l8z

hm.....blah blah blah....too velly velly bored.....

hm......don't know....just stressed....

hm.......bored......hm...gotsta start doing my hmwk soon....but oh wellz...my parents think i'm doing my hmwk for a while now...sighs sighs...just that i know my own progress...sighs sighs...

there's nothing i can do....nothing i can hope for...sighs sighs....i really miss....but what do i miss? do i miss a life?

some pain never goes away......and well....it's just the truth...it will never for me...somethings come and some things go....but not everything does. time cannot mend everything even though we wish it would. sighs sighs. no matter what...when i look into your face....i'd start to cry....just thinking about the times i had....and wondering why i was sucha fool. i wonder if the times i had would ever happen to me again. and i suppose it's why i'm afraid to be alone now...and the reason behind why i'm also afraid to get to close to anyone. i just end up getting burnt. for my willing heart to care.....everyone hurts me. yeah...betrayal....it hurts. but betrayal comes in many forms. you were a fox in sheeps clothing...you used me of what i had....and so did many people. why am i such a fool and was unable to see behind the fake front you showed me? why? WHY am i so pathetic that i'm still thinking in the past yet again?

it's not that i don't answer my phone....but it's rather that i'm not home cause well....i just don't want to be at home anymore....my house makes me like depressed...i don't know why...and i don't think i should care.......so yeah....

i am upset...but what can i do? oh wellz.....all i can do is sit in a corner hoping that everything'll go away...but of course...nothing is ever so easy...args args....

args...daddy's vaccumming and it's so very annoying...but i suppose it must happen in order to clean housie...

humans are too predictable...humans are too wanting...sighs sighs...

i know...when i start typing thoughts....i type continuasly mintue after minute.....and each thought that is posted is posted within minutes of each other....i know...i know....i can't help this....

the trouble with love is......that it tares you up inside. makes your heart believe in lies........

sighs sighs...some reason....i can't get those lines out of my head!!!! args args.....i wish i just evaporated....

there simply is just sumthing wrong...i haven't slept well for the past 2 weeeks. i haven't been eating properly if at all anything. and i am already as cranky and unpleasant as ever....and my state is getting worst because people just don't understand me. misunderstandings...sighs sighs....

i have motivation like an artist....but i have a personality like a drone worker...but it's not like anyone understands. it's not like anyone cares. i am not creative. and i am stupid....but sighs.....i can't help that. sighs sighs. i am highly motivated to do my work...i do what i am told.....but i can't just make things up at the top of my mind. my group members don't understand me. it's not that i want them to do everything by themselves...they simply just haven't asked me to do sumthign that i would be able to help in. they never told me to do anything...so i just help with the preparations of experiments...sighs sighs.....i should have dropped this course....

why can i stand up for others....but i cannot stand up for myself? why does no one try to defend me even though i have defended them? why do they just leave me alone all the time? why why why? sighs sighs...can't wait to go home...sighs sighs.....

maybe it is all my fault........

sighs.......do i have an issue with being indepenant? sighs sighs...args....i can't spell...and i don't care...sighs sighs.....can't wait till skool is over.....maybe then i could be happy. sighs sighs....why am i falling deeper and deeper into depression? why can't i lift my spirits up? sighs sighs......why is all that i want to do is cry? why can't i stand up for myself? why can't i talk back knowing that i had viable reasoning for what i did. why do i seem like such a miserable person? sighs sighs. am i really all that lazy? sighs sighs. did i really not try? sighs sighs....

sighs....i want to be the dust which people walk upon.....metaphorically speaking at least.....and if you really think of the meaning behind what i said.....you'd think i was crazy......but....i do not want to be ordered around all the time...i am not that type of person...

sighs....i wrote a big long entry...and the damned skool pc couldn't post it...maybe it's a sign that i'm not meant to post my thoughts at all.....

there is something majorly wrong with the world i live in and the situations i have created myself in....

sighs sighs....i'm one really messed up person...sighs sighs.....it's all my fault...all my fault.....or is it? sighs sighs. i should stop blaming and making excuses for what people are calling me and saying about me. sighs sighs. my lack of confidence is once again showing. sighs sighs. i hate school....i wish i could just drop out and never return....or better yet...just become the dust that people walk on. but most people don't even know what i'm implying...meh. not my problem. sighs sighs. people don't know who i am. they don't understand the way i work. they don't understand thati have motivation like an artist....but a personality more like a worker drone. sighs sighs. no one understands me. people ask me how i am....or at least how i'm doing. and well...there are only a few that care. it's not my fault that when doing things i am not as creative and independant as others is it? it's not a crime to do really well what others tell me to do. sighs sighs. i lack creativity. i often times lack motivation too. but i am ever so slowly trying to improve on that. but when something like this happens in my life.....i loose all that i have learnt to build upon. i have a weak support....and things like this only make me weaker. sighs......