then that really means i have never really given up. maybe it's because i'm looking forward to the future....even though i know it's not quite possible. but if i do, then i'm breaking all my rules. but who sets my rules? i do. oh wellz. sighs sighs. i'm cold...so very very cold......sighs sighs.....i want....i don't want.....i wish......but i should...sighs sighs.......to be or not to be....that is the question.........but will anyone love me for just who i am and not the way i look?

i don't know what to think....i'm completely tired. and i'm frustrated...but i don't know....sighs sighs....i forgot my pen....i hope i'll get it back...then i'll just haveta bum about it then.....oh wellz...wait...i'm going back soon...so i might as well as then....so yeah. sighs sighs. i've fallen in flove once again....it's sooo sad, but i have....can you believe it? sighs sigh..... but the thing is....even if i do or do not love......this person.....the truth is...i have already and always loved....so what's the problem??? sighs sighs. i want to love someone....but why don't i begin by loving everyone else and myself? keke^^ i really miss having hair.

first lesson of not having hair...... 1) people may laugh, but after a while, people understand and give you pity. if not, they give you support. and even if not, they try to comfort you for your lost hair saying many things, funny or not funny. 2) people don't really care, it's not as bad as i thought it would be....but then out side of skool, everyone starts laughing, but then they don't really question because they just want to be able to laugh. 3) those that know you will never critisize how you look

he's never been different to me. we were only meant to be friends. always and forever will be. even though his soul's been corrupted, we remain as friends, stable and strong. he may be immoral, but i still love him. he may have hurt me, but then again who hasn't? he may have only said he loved me only because i said it, but then would you have? hm.....i've always been true to my heart, and people have always known that, that is why it is sooo difficult and it hurts to hurt me. i'm not saying that i am intouchable.....i'm saying that it hurts to hut someone you know who honestly cares.

after a while....i lived like this for too long....i'm too numb now.....

it's wierd how i'm obsessed with writing my thoughts. i can't seem to really form out proper sentencse that are in my head...it's really really weird....

no one loves me....at least not romantically n e more....but does that matter?keke^^ satisfied just the way it is......

shit....i should stop looking at stupid photos......cause if i don't stop....then i'll just remember ever detail of it all...

i don't know what to say. i miss....i miss....i miss.....args....

args......looking at you...makes me think.....did you really use me for all that time?!?!? why didn't you just break up with me the first moment we got together?? that would have spared me the pain i am going through now. i don't want to believe you are a bad person. i don't want to believe that you've allowed yourself to be corrupted. i don't want to believe any of it....i thought i was over you.....but really deep down inside......i'm like....why am i such a fool? why do i continue to love everyone soo much? why must i allow my heart to bleed in such a manor? why must i continually rip the scab off my wound?!?!? WHY?!?! WHY?!?!? args args. i wasn't betrayed by anyone, i betrayed myself. i didn't allow myself to look past my own motives.....sighs sighs....

sen to chihiro no kamikakushi.......don't ask why i wrote that again....but i just like how that sounds....

i feel so...so...so....sighs sighs.....i just feel cruddy i suppose. i feel like crying all the time.....again.....and again. depression, but i'm not even upset at myself. nor about n e thing else. just that there is soo uch stuff in skool that is going on and i just want to stop it all, but i have no choice, i can't. i'm too week.

i need to study more. i don't know how to study. sighs sighs

math tutor is helping me....i think i got an 80 on that last test....but i could be wrong...i hope i got more than an 80...i really need to pull my mark up.....stupid konics or whateva......sighs sighs

sighs....it's funny how most my friends really don't read my thoughts at all, but all i do is like spend my time reading their thoughts. it's funny how i skip skool and i get a bitching from my parents, even though they knew i'd be home a period earlier. oh wellz.

hm....my friend has the most funniest insight. he thinks to much: such men are dangerous. keke^^ i don't think brian's dangerous....keke^^ oh wellz. i have learnt to love many dangerous people in my life. not that i can control loving those that GOD have created. i must not judge, i must be satisfied

args...tired......

hm....why am i so into hocky now?!?!? this is sooo weird!!! i have never really been into hockey till this year this is sooo weird for me.....oh wellz....what can i do? oh wellz.....hm...gotsta go shopping for like hats....kekek^^ yupz yupz....wonderful hats that i never buy for myself...keke^^

sighs.....i am watching the hockey game at the present moment. args....and it sees to me that the leafs are being out played in skill. we just don't have it to beat such a young team.....sighs sighs. we play so sloppily. we don't really pass well. sighs. i think the leafs are going to loose tonight. well that's cause i'm watching the game....and whenever i watch a game....they normally loose....so i have no clue......just hope that they don'tloose three games in a row....then i would cry sooo bad.

i've procrastinated alot lately. but at least i managed to get most of my work done tonight. sighs sighs

hey hey....i'm shaving my head for cancer tomorrow. i wonder what people that i haven't told would react. crappers......we are behind one to like 0 now....args args!!! driving me insane...not a good sign...not a good sign at all. oh wellz.

hm.....eddie belfour is the only thing holding the team together.....oh wellz.....meh.....

shaving my head for cancer...not because of cancer. i am raising money....i will you see.....i want to know how people feel.....

time does not solve problems. it is you who takes the time to solve your own problems. it is you who chooses to take more time and delay for the answer to your problems. time does not halt anything. comfort is for you to find someone who is willing to give you it. it is your mission for comfort if you want it from people. there are those that are always willing to give you their love, but you must find them.

not caring can take you many places. most of all, not caring takes you to a place where everything feels weird. you feel excluded from places. you hate to be loved and loved to be loved all at the same time. you learn to cope with yourself, and in doing that, you loose yourself in the moment and question why after. you will never be despicable unless GOD looks away from you. But GOD only looks away when you carry way too much sin.

friends are for you to forgive and realize who is who. you cannot run away from those that care. those that did care when you ran away will still care for you.

big brother is a great title to carry. firstly, big brother means supporter. with the support you give confidence. confidence to make them do better or just even aim higher than ever. big brother can mean protector. protecting them and giving them insights to what might actually and can go wrong. your experience means the world to them.

relations are what you make out of them. you can choose to stop being friends if you truly insist. you can make yourself fell unwelcomed by those you thought you "loved" but really, that doesn't mean that you have to. just because everyone else is in a relationship, it doesn't mean you have to be. and if you are in one now, and a problem arises, don't give up, because really....make you can make things work out if it was meant to be.

baptism is not for everyone. baptism is for all those who have GOD's calling. maybe you are feeling stress b/c of the fact that you really want to and really don't want to all at the same time. that's how i felt. and really, i'm somewhat ashamed to call myself christian at times. it feels like i fail GOD constantly, and the truth is, i do, but i am very slowly being picked off my feet and being lifted up. your prayers are and always will be in my heart always.....

sighs, i know people don't go checking my blog very often, but nor do i really care. i write my thoughts for my own benefit. maybe one or two people will be touched in the end and actually search all over to find who this person is. but whatever.

in life, there are a few that i truly call friends and not simply just aquaintences. but there is a doubling if not tripling number of those i call friends and truly are only aquaintences to me.

through my observation, i find that i truly stick to my own blood. maybe not on purpose, but that i find a comfort that is easily found when i am trying to . i mean, my own blood as in race, not family.

there is nothing i enjoy more than the refreshing feeling of peace....

i dont' know what to say to your thoughts boi......sighs....i watn to help...but can i? i can't.....i want to help...but i don't know where to start....but i know that if you want my help...you will ask me to help you.....but then again.....will you ever??? meh......i have not pushed you away.....i will not push you away.,....because i truly know how it feels to be pushed away.....and i hated it....so i must say i will not alow you to be pushed away....no matter how far you push me away....i will either stay in the same place or run closer to you when you are not looking.....

kekek^^ well i know brian doesn't check my blog all that often n e more. oh wellz. kekek^^ means that i can say how talented he is and he will never know. keke^^ it's good for me. then he won't feel guilty for his talent cause he won't know about my admiration. keke^^ sometimes i really question where the heck he gets his thoughts from. but then i know better than to question his mind. his thoughts aren't necessarily all his. many of them would be from the hand of GOD. yes, even the sad and depressing ones. some say that poetry is the reflection of the soul. seriously, if that's how his soul is.....i can't say that i'm not happy......but i can't say that i'm satisfied. maybe it's cause i always think that to be my friend, you must be happy. but at the same time...if that was the case...then i am my own worst enemy because i am not always happy. his poems don't reflect something dark like death, like the ones i write, but reflect upon loneliness, offense, and hurt. i suppose through all his poems, he has a natural gift from GOD, he has a basic theme. a theme of not wanting hurt.....not wanting the confusion that is around him and in his mind. i don't know if i'm right or wrong, i may not be. only he and GOD knows what's going on in his head.

this is wha i find. those that are weakminded tend to cave about their morals. they crackdown when stress comes into their lives concerning matters that they were raised up in. sighs sighs. i'm tired and i'm confused. oh wellz. people don't unerstand how the mind works. but why should they? everyone is an individual...oh wellz...gotsta go....

it's not a beautiful day, but it doesn't mean i can't and shouldn't enjoy it. sighs....i hate romance movies...args args.... sighs sighs. having no romance in my life is making me upset. on the inside, i can't help but to want and miss i suppose. sighs sighs. i don't think i can handle this much anymore. sighs sighs. pms? or maybe i am sincerely depressed? sighs sighs. jean was right. it's such a sad thought knowing that she was right. i mean i love her, but sighs, that thought was sooo true. and i suppose i miss someone i shouldn';t for the exact same reason. i told matt that i would go, but i still don't know if i should. my thoughts are sooo random. sighs sighs. i really don't know if i can handle all these thoughts. my stomache is in total pain...should have not drank soo much milk! args args. man, sooo lactose intolerant. oh yes....i have to go now....sighs sighs....

i don't actually know if i still have anything to write about la. there's just too mucha dn way to lil on my mind all at the same time. but then again....that's how i am all the time. hm. church split up again....args...third division....what the heck is happening? sighs. so velly cold.....so velly hot,.....so velly frozen and boiling. hm. hm;.....i suppose i am sick.....constantly sick i suppose....meh.,...nothing i can do about it.....args...so velly tired.....

hm.....did you like kill bill?? so velly velly cold in my basement. hm...... i suppose it's like the heart of many people that i know. they've let their heart grow cold and let it become numb to everything that goes on around in their lives. nothing i can do...nothing they can do for themselves either....it must be something GOD does for you. hm....wow....so velly cold. but still typing so fast.....meh like typing. hm....need to learn to write my japanese quicker...hm....i should buy a japanese dictionary and a spanish one....

if you want to succeed in anytyhing you do....you mut work hard.....very hard.....you only fail when you give up....

sighs......i need a job...what job do i want??? do i really care??? prolly not. will i get one? no, i have no motivation for it. args.....WHERE the hell are you? args. i'm frustrated. and i'm completely angered now. sighs. but in y anger, i still feel calm. this feeling feels sooo weird. sighs sighs. there's no one to talk to.....and my parents would just lecture me about being more christian if i told them what was on my mind. sighs. i just want to leave the way i feel.

i'm human and all i want to do is run away........

where's my courage?

where is everyone?

hm.....predictablility....not everyone is predictable......keke^^ sighs sighs. i'm scared beyond wits....i don't know what to say....i don't know what to do....sighs sighs.... hm. was supposed to go out and do something....but obviously she had other plans. it's kind of funny. i don't seem to want to do anything. i'm in no mood and i'm feeling grumpy. no it's not pms.....don't even ask. but whatever. normally on days like this....i would be furious at the person who set up the plans and didn't call me back. but today.....i'm in no mood. all i want to do is to be in a corner and cry everything out. i just want to understand why people'll have changed into such miserable forms. sighs sighs. all i want to do is cry. all i want to do is be alone, but be around my friends. sighs sighs. i want to run away, but what will i accomplish if i run away? nothing....absolutely nothing. you won't pick up your stupif fricken cell phone....and i've been calling since 2 in the morning of today. you haven't picked up....where the hell are you?!?!

args, you've got me frustrated. my parents are mad at me because i feel shitty and am unwilling to do antying....args....you make me angry....but who am i angry at??? myself? i prolly am. i feel like walking to the ends of the earth and never looking back....args...just leave me alone, but on second thought....i don't want to be alone.....sighs.

by loving someone you are giving that person the power to destroy you, but with that love comes forgiveness and trust....you trust that they will not destroy you.....but also....if they do, and you sincerely love them...you have ultimate power to forgive. WE LOVE BECAUSE GOD FIRST LOVED US. sighs sighs. as my road seems to be coming to an abrubt end....i feel as if i cannot shed enuff tears of the world.i should not be shedding tears of greive, but i can't help it. i feel soo burdened, but burdened of what? is it because i see humanity crumbling before my very own eyes? is it because i see humanity has lost all road? is it because i see humanity coming to a quick halt in the dark? why is it that i'm sooo troubled? why is it that i am in so much pain? why is it that i no long feel satisfied with the very things that i enjoy? why is everything so tasteless to me now? what is wrong with me? why is it that when i'm alone i wish to be in the company of friends, but when i'm in the company of friends, all i wish for is to be alone by myself? why?!?! is my only good companion myself?!?!? sighs.

sighs. may the LORD protect you pat. may the LORD be with you everywhere you go. sighs. i don't even need to ask the LORD to do that, because i know he will. but he still wants to hear my prayres and yearnings. sighs sighs. i have alot of people to protect me. but the thing is. people still can completely turn their backs on you. everyone thinks i'm going crazy or sumthing
oh wellz
l8a l8a

hm......

sighs sighs. i don't know why i feel sooo crummy, but i just do. maybe it's the fact that well people want me to try in life and be able to speak japanese. now, i have all the stress to try drop it, but then again, people actually think i can do it. hm. why does his mommy think sooo highly of me? hm. i will do this...i will be able to. args args. i really want to drop it, but my teacher or at least one of my teachers really wants me to stay in japanese class. hm. i'll just have to talk to allysa more. hm. is that how you spell her name? well yes, i will try hard, cause i really want to pass the course. hm...my mission this semester is to be able to speak at least one conversation in japanese. hm. if the teachers think i can do it, then they must see something that i don't see in my ability.

sighs sighs. you no longer surprise me with the actions you have done. i accept the fact you have used me to get close to my best friend. maybe in my days.....i should learn to trust less, but then again, it was you who lied to me about the whole thing.....not me. i stayed true to myself all along....i don't care if you've used me. i honestly don't...as long as you are like true to yourself. but the thing is...you've lost yourself. you have no longer a self. you have been drowned in sin...and to me, you are now dead. hm. i don't believe in the bright side....cept that you must know you are in the darker side and are unwilling to be brought out. the light is always there making it always bright...so you are either in the bright side or the brighter side......

i will be singo....why? because i'll push you away....sigh sighs...it's depressing i know....but what? too bad....i feel like puking...i feel sooo sick......

don't know what i'm doing this friday....so what? too bad....doesn't matter...

for once, i think i busted up my knuckles...it comletely hurts to be typing now. and they are like purple and swollen. well oh wellz. tooo bad...... stupid piano....i hate stupid hymanals....hate playing em...hate singing em...args args.....i don't even know why i bother to hurt myself like so. it's sooo stupid and redundant. it's just not worth it. but then again...if it gets people that i don't want further away from me........then that's good is it not? i am frustrated.....why? at who? myself? args.....i hate everything. i hate it all. can't lightning just hit me and i die? args args.

so frustrated....args args.....anger...args args.....wanna just like die....and like disppear from here forever....argsargs

for some reason, at least i still have real player media browser.....i would be like going crazy without anyway to post my thoughts.....

don't know what i want to happen, all i know is dat i don't wanna feel the way i feel now. but i don't even know how i feel. i'm happy, but disraught. i'm upset, but i'm feeling pleasant. hm...weird.....contradictory......placid....

i can't get to any of my window's programs. slowly my pc is being corrupted by a stupid virus. everytime i log on it's making it worst. and the thing is. i just can't fix it. args