it's funnay how the things i say comes bak through ur mouth or ur fingers or bak through u. it's funnay to see dat sumone actually listens to da teachings which at times maybe useless. it's funnay. dey mean more kinda coming from a person den actually listening to myself. i suppose it's just becuase den i noe dat sumone else noes da lesson dat i've gone through and it cheers meh up.

i dunno....sumhow....i think i cause people to have like three feelings towards meh.....either they get to know meh a very tiny bit and stay friends or dey stick to meh and become good good friends....or well dey hate meh cause dey just dun wanna get to noe meh.....it's not dat i'm unwilling to give trust.....dat's a thing i have....i give my trust out easily and in return i get hurt easily....but the fact is....i continue to give my trust no matter how damaged i may feel. maybe in a sense.....couldn't people be more accepting, concerned and more loving towards everyone? if everyone were at least a bit more concerned dere would be less people like meh. less of those who are angry all da time. one less of who is never happy or at least fully happy. u would have one less one who is so pessimistic if only dere were more people who cared. where were people for meh when i wuz young? where i ask, i ask where!?!? oh wellz...da past is da past.....anger still wells up, but guess i'll just haveta bottle it up and one day find an even larger bottle if i continue feeling angry.

hahaha=>:D thanx for ur devotional sharing....hehehe=>:D it actually did meh alot of good. so far i'm just studing da book of romans...but i'm only on chapta 6.......hehehehe=>:D yupz...thanx for dat.....

hm....feeling crummy again....maybe it's just da lack of sleep or sumthing....grrr.....soo annoyed.....grrr.....tired....grrrr....but i can't even sleep arg!!!! i dunno....i feel kinda well outta it again...grrrr.....

i've become a drone......sleeping, knitting, talking or muttering as some people call it, and den well eating and sleeping sum more. yeah...what a lyphe. at least i haven't gained much weight.. just about like well hm....6 pounds?!?!?!? arg!!! gotta loose weight....gotsta loose weight!!!! getting fatter!!!! not good....gotsta do sum excercise and drink more water and eat lesss!!!!! arg!!!! well n e ways....have fun with lyphe...cause lyphe can be a bytch sumtimes. but eitha way....u can still enjoy it....l8a yo

i'm not saying dat memories will hurt.....i am saying they can hurt.....hahaha=>:D my point is......to move on and think it is past well....for meh.....dat's another case.......i can move on....but each and every step hurts just as much as the very moment of disaster. but that's just my lyphe.....it's different in other people's yeah i noe......sometimes i'm just insane. hehehe=>:D oh wellz....have fun. hehehe=>:D

well the fruits of the spirit are love, joy, peace, patience, kindness, goodness, faithfulness, gentleness and self-control. i dunno.....i just felt that it wuz important to say, cause most people normally tend to forget. yeah.....i normally don't see all of em in meh....just a few....i lack patience for certain.....i have a low tolerance for stupid behaviour......and meh.....well i am stupid sum of da times...and i get on peeps nerves, but mostely only cause i'm loud....hehehe=>:D but u must noe....the most important of these nine fruits is love, without love, u cannot complete or accomplish in learning to make a certain fruit betta. so in a sense.....all is derived from love.

hm.....dere are dose dat care, and dere are dose dat don't. dat's just lyphe. hm.....i dunno....it's kinda just an excuse so dat u dun haveta care what other's opinions are. maybe it's not....but hearing u say it like da way you did.....it does kinda sound like dat. ain't da point. da point here is dat well....sometimes u should care what others are trying to say. GOD sends people to be messengers to other people too. he can't always send angels and come into ur dreams. so yeah. all i haveta say is....u must listen to others...even when u think they are wrong. u must listen even if u dun give a darn....u just haveta listen. there is no other choice. if you do not listen, u do not improve what mite be a huge mistake. people tell you to help u avoid certain things, but if you need to be in that situation, GOD'll still put u dere.....he just sent a messenger to help you through. yeah....i dunno. dat's all i see. so yeah.....short thought today....l8a yo

hahaha=>:D that's everyone's fear, to turn away from sumone or sumthing. hahaha=>:D oh yeah...dis is a response to ur response to mine. well i'm going through that trouble rite now. i have never been unable to talk or communicate with someone that i've broken up before. but the problem now is still the same and i am unable to let it go. maybe it's just us......u just dunno how to handle it or are afraid of the effort that is needed into handling this situation. some things just dun resolve themselves. those things just kinda need to dissappear and reappear when u are able to handle em. but the thing is......those memories hurt dun dey when dey come bak into ur lyphe? hahaha=>:D

it dun really matter to see if your happy or unhappy, it's just good enuff to see that u are being and alive. the truth is....sometimes dat ain't true cause ur just a walking zombie sumtimes, but heck.....alive enuff. hahaha=>:D u are family in GOD's family and eyes, but sumtimes....it's not enuff is it? there just isn't enuff reassurance when u dun feel it. yeah.....feeling means alot to humans....feeling sumthing gives u a reassurance of you being here on earth....makes u feel that people are still have a knowing of your pressence.

i suppose that second thought about u actually saying people dunno you, well it's more as if dey seem to not be accepting of sumthing.....cause well...dat's just da way u are....it may seem moody to most, but dat's just da way u are. oh wellz.

well i'm glad to have cleared ur mind....hehehe=>:D that's just what i do best....hehehe=>:D well l8a yo....chillax it k? hehehe=>:D l8a....hehehe=>:D

hahaha=>:D that's funnay, u quoted meh.....aw....i feel soo special....hehehe=>:d j/ks j/ks. well u noe when i said i'd kick him outta my lyphe forever??? i really do mean that, but a part of meh tells meh dat i can't.....dat i'd only do more damage to myself because deleting a memeory outta my head would mean to erase all my feelings, my thoughts, my actions, my everything. i say i've recovered, it may seem dat i have because i can talk to him in person and on the phone, but really, the pain is still there.....

as i notice now....i'm becoming the old meh....the one who is always angry at everyone and everything. the one who always blamed others....the one who hated the world because the world casted meh away. i'm becoming silent in times which i should speak. i have lost a sense of self, lost a part of meh that i can never fill unless i am willing to fill with sumthing or sumone else.....most likely GOD. i'm good at philosophies only in the reason that well.....i've learnt enuff but lessons are still taught when u are very old. there are just sum that u haveta experience more than once. sighs sighs.

well u noe me well enuff dat i wun kill myself....but u also noe da type of person i am. i will blame myself.....something that i didn't do will turn to be my fault. i just feel guilty. hahaha=>:D i'm not embracing the kind of emotion that most teens have embraced.....if u say so, i've been a teen even at a very young age. i've always bottled up my emotions and thoughts every day, every time, everything. i cannot care less, that's just the way i am. i care, maybe tooo much and get myself in trouble, but really, u can't stop sumone from caring. what hurts is when sumone does show you that they don't want you to care. messes that are caused by meh can be fixed if i care too much, but those that i cause unto myself is another issue.

u noe....maybe the damage is too great to just rebuild and fix the roof, what i need is to reconstruct the whole house. the foundations of the house have been shattered because i hadn't repaired the damage earlier. people get sick of holding and helping the roof that may collapse. everyone has left meh even when the roof was falling apart. the reason being, they just couldn't help or didn't noe how to help or just didn't want to because i've been down for too long. and there are only like two that have stuck besides meh through the whole thing....one being you and the other being my friend jenny. i may not like to hug, but when i'm sad and needy, like now, i really want one. sighs. i dunno, but the pain doesn't always go away. the pain is brought to lyphe every time that person steps into my lyphe again. i hate running away, but in cases like this, there is nothing i can do to heal myself cept to run away, possibly forever. sighs sighs. what troubles my heart is that what happens if things like this keep on happening. i've lost enuff people to be lost forever. i still have family i suppose, no matter how angry they are with meh, they still love meh in a way. i haveta run away from everything, maybe more than just another time again. i'm feeling needy, maybe i am. sighs sighs. not everyone can be there for meh all the time. it's not my fault that i need that reassurance from people. i have the confidence in myself, i dunno.....sighs....

at this very moment.....thoughts of everything and nothing come to my mind. my tears are still endless, but only within my heart. pain hits me like a slap across the face. sadness slowly reaps its way into my joints. i can't move....i'm sitting still typing away at the thoughts i wanna get out, but can't turn into words. i've become depressed. it's not sadness i tell you....because i noe no sadness, only in others do i see it.....i don't see sadness within myself....i see depression....i've only seen extreme emotions in meh.....besides anger that is......there are two stages to my anger.....half annoyed anger and total anger....total sadness which equals to that of depression and extreme joy....oh yes.....the feeling of nothing, or nuetral...the feeling of having no feelings. so extreme to the point that i feel useless and worthless which turns meh depressed, but whatever....the fact is....i'm a very extreme person. i see things in ways many people won't want meh to see em in. i'm not lacking in love, i receive love from almost everyone that i meet. i make friends easily, dis i noe well....for the fact that i'm willing to talk....but really.....maybe i share too much....people become afraid of meh.....but if you really cared about the person i am and the person i can become in CHRIST....then maybe u wun be afraid. jenny, brian, jean, bessie....where are you???? sighs.....ur one of those people that get sick of listening to my unhappiness/complaints but still sit there and listen only because u can't do n e thing for meh....u can only show meh sumthing, but it dun mean u'll get meh outta dat phase. can someone give meh a hug? i really need one.......sighs.....tears are welling up in my eyes now.....what must i do, what must i say.....i am too sensitive. maybe i have a chronic depression disorder or sumthing.....i feel this way a bit tooo often. i thought it wuz skool that wuz what caused meh to feel this way....because skool gives meh stress....but now i noe.....i feel this way only because i do and i can. sighs....i wanna be left alone....but yet i want people to be around meh....i'm afraid of being left behind....please....don't ever leave meh.....i can't take it if another person left my lyphe.....i just can't.....i'm falling apart at the seams as it already is.....i couldn't tolerate it if it happened.....help meh please.....i noe i need help.....

well, each and every nite while i sleep, i cry now. all these tears just don't go away. it's a pain in the ass. but i don't care. each time i talk to certain people, i wanna say that i will never call em bak, but each and every time, i do. but it just hurts. it makes meh feel as if i dunno you n e more.....dis is not for you, for sumone else. when u said, most people noe meh as how you know meh sabina, dat really hurt. we were more than just friends....or had u considered meh just another friend all this time. it hurts you know. i thought i knew u more than most....but maybe i'm wrong. there are just sum things that u were always unwilling to share with meh. where is my balance in pain. why am i always so tortured, even in my sleep. i can't have a normal phone conversation with you without becoming sad or depressed, it pains meh to hear the way ur trying to say that the way i view lyphe is wrong. all my lyphe i've been running away from people who say i'm wrong all the time, and yet i find myself loving sumone who does and all they want meh to become is an optimistic freak. is it wrong of meh to say that or is that the truth? i noe for a fact that u think i'm sad and depressing. well the truth is....if that's what's keeping meh away from you, i'd rather stay this way forever. i have said all my friends are optimistic, but many of my friends actually care about meh....unlike you.....u just listen because u consider them ur friends and you could care less......why is it like dat.....or is it i just care too much? i ask you how you are because i care, not because i'm prying into ur lyphe. yet u hurt me by saying u don't want meh in ur business and tell meh to stop being nosy. i'm not being nosy for ur information....i'm trying to care. don't u see that i have a limited amount of friends....or at least those that i'm close with.....actually i have a more than most really good friends....but the fact is....it dun matter....what matters is what u see in them that u dun see in urself.

each and everyday, my friends make meh happier, they let meh see things that i wouldn't have seen myself.....and to tell you the truth....i've seen a lot, i've felt alot, i've taken alot of shit from people, u think i give a darn? yeah....i do....so if you think i'm just a pessimistic freak head, then just bak off. u don't know meh if you think i'm all pessimistic. if you know meh well.....i'm very unrealistic in many times. all i want to do is help...i do have a goal....unlike wanting to go to skool and pass and such, but my goal is to help everyone. it's like becoming a saint, but why work on helping others when i'm the person that is in need of help the most? what i need is comfort. what i need rest. what i need i do not have at the present moment. like anyones hug, i just wanna fall into those arms and rest. and in the surrender of GOD, i will have that hug to rest.....as i write down my thoughts, it does not ease my mind. i'm crying endlessly now. my eyes sting because i cry at nite too. i don't have many problems. i just take things to heart, because i may care too much.

i don't have a good relationship with my parents. i haven't learnt to respect them as well as i should. my parents will always be my parents....there will always be a gap. parents are those type of people who nag at u when u do wrong because it is wrong. hearing it ain't pleasant, so instead i run away to my good friends who's words i actually listen to. in the surrender of friends i go to. to some, i've lived a life of happiness.....but to meh....i don't feel dat way....can i come over some time? i really need to go chill and ease my mind....and it seems to meh that being around u eases my mind the most.....hehehe>:D halfly cause i noe u dun care the way i act....unless i'm being inconsiderate or rude, which i wun be unless dey are inconsiderate and rude to meh.....but yeah......i just need sum place to run to. some place to hide....physically and mentally. yeah.....u say run to GOD....blah blah....typical......what i need are humans who know GOD that can help meh....thanx....and l8a

yeah i noe, dat thought ain't for meh, but i still have a few words to ur thought if dat's okay okay???

memories are those times which you have endured and kept in the bak of ur mind.....dose are memories if u dun want others to remind you of the pain. pain is a lesson that we learn to endure over and over again....it's sumthing that just happens....being reminded is often times bettter for ya....yeah.....it can turn u bitter against the person who reminded you, but in fact.....maybe u'll learn to love them more because they reminded you.....why look at ur memories and say they cause u pain, why not look at it as the way i've grown? and along that way, u get hurt.....which child who learns to walk never falls on dere behind? none rite?? falling on dere behind still hurts doe.....but they got past dat and still didn't let em get in dere way.....

on that unhappy note......i prolly never seen u unhappy.....but maybe i've never seen u happy either....yeah....that thought ain't for meh....but it still leaves meh questioning......but the fact is....who cares if ur happy or not.....if sumthing seemed really wrong i would ask or u'd just tell meh, u noe i'm dere for ya....so heck.....ur not talking to meh dere.....

okayz, about the way u treat others....that is sumthing that is in the bible.....there's a story about that.....it really just tells you that everyone's equal. u remember the workers in the field? well there were workers in this certain field since the early morn, and there were some that just came....but each got the same wage.....i mean....same wage according to the hours which they worked.....none are better, and none are worst....everyone deserves repect and trust and loyalty, it's not up to u to decide, it's what GOD thinks is rite and needed. if it were up to GOD, we're all sinners, why do you give n e respect to n e one? yeah.....stupid thought....just a question. it takes a year for people to get to know you....dat's what u say......i never really talked to you till dis year. haven't u ever noticed? but whateva...it's all kool....

unlike meh, u are unwilling to give ur trust away.....it's not based on who u think are worthy to trust. but then again, i would give the world to each and everyone i noe. u are unwilling to trust because u are unwilling to get hurt.....u noe....even those whom u believe are worthy of trust will fail you....it's the same with those you think are unworthy of ur trust.....why not give them a chance then? maybe their more trust worthy than u give em credit for.

chaning according to his wil.....u noe...GOD works in mysterious ways....His will encludes all those you meet, and all those that you don't. and those that you do are in a way, sumthing that he wants you to learn from em. everyone is experience in a form of a body. everyone has endured sumthing that he wants you to see because he mite not want you to go through it urself. a friend is sumthing you can endure and maybe an experience is not. so maybe in a way....learning and changing according to a friend sumtimes may work....but if you notice it brings u away from GOD, den it isn't working.

well physical scars go away, but emotional scars that cut deep within never go away......yeah...just sumthing i've learnt from experience....i would tell you my whole history as a person if you really wanna hear, but as most people, they could care less. they fade ever so slightly, but they are still intense. never does ne thing hurt as much as a memory, or what you'd call a reminder. but in ur sense, i see the difference, but to meh, there is none.....if it's an emotional reminder, each and every time i'm reminded, it hurts, but i look past the pain, that's not why u go through sumhing. u got through sumthing because u haveta learn sumthing the hard way. not everything is from books....but then again, the bible tells you alot of how you should be as a person....

i noe u said that thought wuzn't written to meh, but i still like to reply to it. i always learn a bit more from the way u write, the way u express urself, the way u think. but i also think there are more than just one way to looking at lyphe, so well basically, u could learn a thing or two as i reply to ur thoughts. but then again, there are a lot of things that you should learn as being friends with all the friends you have. so yeah.....i no noe. i'm here to help....may have caused anger, but on the long run....maybe not. i do not noe.....i like to reply to ur thoughts because normally when u write sumthing its based on sumthing you feel.....and sumtimes some of those feelings shouldn't linger too long or they destroy a person....or at least if the emotion takes over the person.......well dat's all i haveta say to ur thought....l8a

hm.....i htought i missed one entry of like blogging....but i suppose not.....hahahaha=>:D soooo amazingly funnay.....i come here and write one everyday, as if i really ahve nothing to do. but then again....the pc with internet connection is my lyphe....

sighs sighs.....sooo bored.....can't do n e thing cause ur at vbs....so i have no one to talk to n e more.......sighs sighs...and urs is three weeks....why can't i come and take care of lil kids? fine...be mean......hehehe=>:D well whateva...it's alritez....i'll be fine....just need sumthing to do dis whole summa......i'm going away for my b-day week and i wanna do sumthing before den....but afta august 1 because most of my friends have like well summa skool. but i could always do sumthing in the afta noon doe.... are u free den? hm.....like it's just a b-day......and well it's just another day.......i said i wanted to people to forget about my b-day dis year....guess what??? da only reason why i said dat wuz because i didn't want em to go through the trouble in planning sumthing for meh. so it's my b-day.....so i'll plan to do sumthing for myself. yeah....semi-independant. hahha=>:D whateva.

well yet....sum part of me really doesn't want to celebrate for my 16th year......i feel sooo much older dan dat already. sighs sighs. i don't feel like i'm 16, i don't really act like i'm 16 sumtimes, and sumtimes, the way i think ain't like a 16 year old. why? why am i like dis? it's as if i've long passed 16 years on earth. some say it's a gift, some say it's just pessimism, my sister says it's just realistic. yeah.....i suppose i'm realistic. i draw every conclusion from human behavior, the way of the world.....yeah.....realistic and pessimistic. i have a dream....a dream dat i noe i will not succeed....but really.....do i have a dream? hm.....whack...

well hope u come on soon....hehehe=>:D i no noe....so whateva.....everyone's buzy...need sum soul to talk to......hehehe=>:D l8a

feeling more single than eva n e more.....every guys my prey......every guys my enemy......every guy's a potential....

i sound like slut.......grrrr......i want not to be single...but yet i want sumone who'll let meh soar above the sky but will be there when i'm tired of flying.....

hahaha=>:D they turned each post into an item......hahhaa=>:D but then again....it's prolly an item cause u dun haveta post words......hahahaha=>:D sollie....laughing at supid things.....u noe.....i like blogger betta den live journal......dunno why....just do......hehehhe=>:D

my blood test results haven't come in yet. it's making meh worry.....oh wellz....maybe da blood test thingy is just well buzy......i dunno. i chose to take it.....cause my mommy thinx i have sum like vitamin and mineral deficiency......i dunno what to say.....i eat sooo muchie....gotsta do more exercise.....getting fatter.....sighs sighs.....yeah......confidence is first built up around those around you before you are able to step up for yourself....maybe it wun work for everyone....but at least for meh it works......hehehehe=>:D confidence in those around you leads you to do things betta for urself....or maybe ur one of those people that are extremely angry at the world....then you'd do everything by urself....no matta if you can't or not...

yeah.....i suppose if you read my entries, and read all my analogies....u'd notice a few things......i'm kinda very opinionated......u could notice that every time i talk about people, i talk about attitudes. if you hear meh out....everything's like a complain......yeah....i'm a complainer, dat's what i do best....but it dun mean dat i dun love, respect, and admire what you have done for meh or am to meh.

i like to give thanx....but my thanx comes out rarely......i should learn to thank because of the exsistance u have in my lyphe.....but normally that doesn't come out......i remember one time.....i wrote a letter.... a letter of thanx......and yet everyone thought i wuz just gonna die.....and dat was why i wrote it.....oh wellz.....i suppose i noe where dey going through.....hehehe=>:D what would be ur reaction if i wrote a thank you letter for just being there for me? some people were as quiet as hell....because the letter pulled em down.....some people tore up the letter not wanting to be rmember or feel just crappy things.....and sum people looked up after reading....gave meh a smile and said thanx bak......and yet there were some that kept the letter.....saved it for sum other time to read......and the next time i saw them.....they gave meh a hug.....hehehe=>:D aw.....how sweet....hahaha=>:D

crap, i think i lied. i said i moved on......but to others.....i dun think i have....hahaha=>:D what scale are they judging me by??? h wellz....no matter.......i think i lied when i said i didn't love you.....and i think i lied when i said i did.......hm......i'm writing as if ur the person....dun wollie.....u should noe who it is...at least....if you noe meh well enuff....which i think you do. hahaha=>:d well either way....the fact wuz....when i said i loved you the first time....it made meh confused.....had i read loved you??? but that cleared up my mind to tell meh i truly did......and when i said it to you the next time.....i did....but u didn't mean it when u said it to meh.......hahaha=>:D love is like the first thrill ride that you go on....some get addicted, some lose the passion, and some just continue to ride it even if it's boring. meh, i've lost that passion to ever feel that way i did.....i'm not saying that that thrill isn't there.....it's just not worth it....i said i dun give people second chances....but if you know meh well....u noe dat's a lie......i forgive sometimes toooo easily.....some would stay angry at you for a lyphe time.....but i'm not like dat.....i've had my shares of remorse and maybe a few regrets.....but everything's ova.....and everything's in the past....i shouldn't have loved you, but i did.....i shouldn't have hated you, but i did.....u couldn't cope with my caring....and u still can't look meh in the eyes.....ur afraid to see the pain i still have....i noe it.....cause i can't look u in eyes with happy eyes, i just can't let go........yeah, i still love you.....

well n e ways.....on a happier note......i'm doing alrites....i'm getting sick again....and i just got ova a cold....grrr.....

went for volunteering yesterday.....i should say....people liked meh pretty well.....hehehe=>:D i'm just very sociallabe....and i do my work....what could someone ask for? hehehe=>:D well i have no clue....but i did leave an impression on some of dose people. most of dose people were like university people n e ways....but heck....some were pretty funnay.....yeah....guess what??? i thought i'd never really meet another guy dat had a personality like william.....guess what???? i did.....it wuz like william da senior or sumthing......but i must admit.....no one would ever replace my chipmunk. hehehe=>:D chipmunk....aww....what a cute nn....maybe not to him or for him....but to meh awww....iut's soooo darn cute!!!!! hahaha=>:D wuz XD supposed to stand for?!?!? no one's answered meh yet....what da hell is it suppose to mean??? i still have no clue.....oh....neva mind.....i noe what it means now....it's just a stupid happy face....can you see it???? i can.....hehehe=>:D it's like one of dose ones where you well....egh.....smile with no eyes??? hahaha=>:D hey....i'm gonna use dat now!!! hehe=>:D yeah....u can say i'm quite slow....hehehe=>:D hehehe=>:D hm...feels funnay to type hehehehe=>XD plus...it looks betta to go.....hehehe=>:D well whateva....hehehe=>:D

wonda what people are doing at dis time of da day......prolly mostly sleeping....aw.....u are going or went to p mall??? sighs sighs.....well i dunno.....i' haven't gone for soo long.....i can vaguely rememba how it looks......grrr......sighs....oh wellz......well i'll prolly call ya a din din time again....if i'm home......but den again......wheneva i call u, ur always eating din din. hehehe=>:D oh wellz......have fun k??? hehehe=>:D l8a.....

i write thoughts constantly....as if the thoughts writen on a website would get them outta my head. hahhaa=>:D oh how sweet that thought. hahaha=>:D

i have no clue.....not many people even read dese thoughts....but i suppose thoughts sumtimes ain't meant to be read....dey are meant to be expressed....yeah....expresed.....hahh=>:D whateva....

i'm signing off...getting sleepy....well just dizzy....l8a everyon......

i really miss everyone......i need some company.....i've been seeing my family everyday now.....and well.....just say this....when we're all together.....bad things are always gonna happen. i dunno...dat's da weirdest thing....four people family.....should be soo happy....hehehe=>:D but it's not.....but dat's enuff bad crap for my thoughts.....

to read my thoughts for today, start from the very first entry from the one with the earliest time.....

whenever i talk about such stuff of the past, i get cold chills, it's sumthing i'm not supposed to say, but i do because i need it outta my system every so often.....i suppose that's why my dreams freak me out soo much.....have i never told you that my dreams are more of visions??? there wuz one year....well....i wuz like 7 or 8 at the time......i went to p-mall....well p-mall then wuz a crappy lil structure.....it didn't have as many stores as it does now....not lil cubicles n e ways....but not near the walls either.....it had cubicles....not as many......i think by that time....pmall wuz still well kinda still building it's internal structures....but the dream wuz...dat i wuz with a group of random people with my grandmommy at p mall....u noe across from pmall or beside or sumplace, it has that lil sushi place??? well it wuz there in my dream.....yeah....but those people that i didn't know....i had no clue....

then the next day....i woke up....my parents said they hadda go pick sumone up.....yeah...so we did.....i went....those people we picked up....were the same people in my dream...we went walking in pmall......den we went to the sushi place...everything my grandmommy ordered in my dream guess what??? she ordered in real lyphe.......the only thing diff about my dream wuz dat i wuz different.....dat i could actually feel being meh.....but that's not important....i didn't d a think to change what i did in my dream....as if a force greater than i took over meh and held meh there like a puppet.....

now.....i don't have dreams regularly....i either go way beyond the point of dreaming or i stay in shallow slumber, the point is...everytime i have a dream.....it does come true.....cept those super chaotic ones after watching a horror flick....

but the thing is......dere wuz this other time.....when i had a dream about a police officer.....he stopper our car to give us a ticket.....yeah...the very next day....as we were driving down the same road...guess what??? the police which i had seen in my dream came.....gave us a ticket...gave a very friendly smile and left....just like my dream......scary yet???

sighs.....did i not tell you about that other dream i had???? the one about the two car accidents???? i'm not afraid of dying....i never have been and i never will be....the thought that scares meh....is what i see the peoples reaction......it makes meh weep beyond n e thing......i've always had to have an assurance that well....people still cared, that i'm not just sumone in the bakground that no one cares about.....but really.....what i saw makes meh cry just thinking about it now.....it could be two entirely different scenes or times....but one time i wuz in the hospital for a very severe car crash....sighs sighs.....just noe....i think i'm gonna be dying on a bed with a white covering.....it mite not have been a hospital bed....sighs sighs....but whatever.....u wanted to know why i wrote that will??? now yeah.....it's because of a dream....or a vision.....i don't know what it is.....at least i noe i'll live past 22......because in my dream....i swear i wuz 22....hahaha=>:D well whateva...signing off.....l8a......

yeah, my childhood wuz quite crumby......well prolly not as bad as others may be or seem....but being the person i am now...just think of a miniture version of meh......i mean....character not as strong, but u see developing character.....at the very young age of 5. i was never that totally satisfied kid with not a care in the world. to actually think about it....i smiled alot, not being happy, but because making others happy.....even at the age of five......grrr.....why am i sooo fake, but yet soo real??? well let's see....by the time i first started skool, bout like 5 i knew i wuz different...only because the rest of the world wuz white......where i had coloured skin.....at the age of 11 to 13.....i gave myself a fake name....wanting to be part of the different world that i never had as a child......internet gave meh the feeling of a different new identity....yeah....sumtimes u just want something so bad that u start living a lie.....i wuz that lie....by 14, i started to change....an angry gurl....a gurl who felt soo deprived, sooo much longing, but never receiving......i don't even noe why i'm posting all my tragedies on line.....i just feel like sharing.....i'm a self tormented and self tormenting type of person, i think, only to reflect. reflect only to learn...but learning, which ends up in feeling pain.....

as i child......i suppose i seemed happy, nothing else really mattered besides the fact that i wuz with family, but now.....i long to not be part of such a family, i'm ashamed of my parents at times....people say it's a stage of lyphe.....later when i'm older, i'll learn to appreciated them again.....but really....i've been ashamed of my parents since i wuz 7.......u noe why??? only because i wanted the tv family....the ever soo happy family that eats dinner together at the dinner table, that talks to one other....when that time did come....it came only too late.....when my family had a regular schedule when we weren't making ends meet....i wuz already 14.......angry lil meh.....that wuz only two years ago, and i can remember it as it wuz yesterday.....as i also remember the days when i wuz 5....as a child, i wuz also soo fake.....as a child, i wuz always angry, and sad.....i lived in fear.....scared of every movement....and so.....i suppose now as i've grown up, i've learnt to despise fear, i've learnt that i haveta conquer fear. yeah....to fear GOD is to give him the respect, so therefore, i give him the respect, i fear his almighty power, that's not sumthing i can change.

have u never seen meh making a big fuss over the tiniest problems???....well as a child....my fears always conquered meh.....the tiniest lil error or fault turning into the nastiest lil brutal situation.....yeah.....yo, u noe when i called u dat day, when i wuz in all tears and i could barely speak because my tears were like covering my voice???? yeah.....think of dat day....but instead, living constantly like that since a lil gurl......yeah.....i suppose it would be differnet if i were a guy......i woud learn to cope with it differently....don't u think so? i don't know.....i ask you, but ur not going to read this and answer me on the spot.

okayz....enuff with all dose quotation crap......
i find myself lost again aye??? well u noe....when ur lost in an amusement park where everyone is looking for you because they care that u are gone, but ur having the time of ur lyphe being freaked out on sum rides??? well that's prolly never happened to ya, but it has to meh.....got lost at like marine land when i wuz like 8 or sumthing......went to the roller coaster ride....all by myself....went to watch the show all by myself.....den i went to the lost and found....or at least the place where they told meh to meet....yeah.....my family wuz all worried and crap....but meh......wuz having the time of my lyphe....dunno why i remember this soo well....but the feeling.....it wuz like a thrill ride...better than n e roller coaster. hahaha=>:D

well i dunno.....u could use eveyrthing in describing sumone.....so yeah....whateva......for example......innocence could be paper....soooo white....sooo clean.....

okayz......wha da hell does XD stand for???? or is dat just a face with messed up eyes and a big mouth?!?!? i dun get it!!!! going to volunteer at the cs....hehehe=>:D thanx to jacky.....sooo proud of her....hehehe=>:D she makes meh happy....i mean....not dat way.....i'm not a lez....just as a friend....it's good to see she's growing up.......yeah....lyphe has ups and downs....and i'd like to be part of dat helping her through......as i like to do dat to you, you and you.....yeah....you ova dere......da one reading my thoughts....hahaha=>:D

yeah....everyone forgets that i exsist....maybe it's because of the location that i'm in....but even those living in my area forget that i'm alive and living in it....those that are far dun ever miss a chance to say dat i live in oakville.....just because i live in oakville doesn't mean that my heart doesn't belong with those in mississauga.....heck.....i could noe more dirt bout u not living in sauga yo......hahaha=>:D i would have it no other way.....i live in oakville....i have been since i wuz two and a half....so i would have it no other way.....so u can just screw urself if ur gonna diss meh up bout itz yo...

here.....a few quotes that i've adapted into my own system....
yeah....made by meh from other quotes, but fixing em up......

*lyphe's not worth being sumone else, u were made to be urself, so just shine in ur own light.*
*when u stop trying to be someone else, u'll find out ur true self among the ruins*
*when lyphe's miseries are too heavy for you to carry, don't carry them.....turn to GOD*
^yeah, that one above...don't get the wrong way.....GOD IS EVER PRESENT!!!!

well u see....my opinion is quite like crappy.....i can fix it up later....i'll come bak to that thought once in a while....hehehe=>:D

so yeah...whateva

hey thanx bri....thanx for editting my work.....i'll improve it sum day....sum day when i fix it up....hehehe=>:D thanx thanx for taking the time....

oh yeah....people if you ever have n e question of my stupid thoughts....u should like well.....question me????

hahaha=>:D my parents....they fight soo often now......my daddy....becoming an old man at the age of well....i ain't gonna tell ya dat....

i dunno...being a third person, i didn't help them through their problems....but it taught meh sumthing through my observation......

i choose every emotion to be an element......it's the best way to describe it......everyone has all the elements, cept that each and everyone has one that shows through the most....

fire.....i dunno....i've always seen fire as being anger....or intense longing/passion. yeah i noe...passion and lust/longing are diff....and lust and longing are totally diff.....but whatever....just an intense emotion such as passion will do for my example....i see it as this.....if there are two fire elements, the fire only gets bigger....so big to the point that the only way to stop the fire is to just like move away from each other of like burn in sum other direction.

water.....i've always thought water to be calm.....but at the same time....with great stregnth......a person who is this element i dunno....are normally angered rarely....and if they are soo peeved, there anger is sumthing to run from.....this persons anger is fear itself......i've experienced it....ain't a pretty site....sighs sighs....

wood.....subborn....not too flexible.....floats on water....but when faced with hardships....sinks really easily......i dunno...that's just the way i see it....these people are one of those who need alot of support.....they do anger....but not a very intense anger....i'm sure they have their moments....but like water.....they don't anger tooo quickly. yes, they get consumed by fire rather easily, but only with those who are like anger as their strongest emotion......but yes......if they learn to accept, fire and wood are good together....make a very great fire that is controllable.....but wood would haveta be willing to let fire be the leader most times....

air/wind.....rather a very happy type of person......a person who seems very carefree.....these people are one of those who are hardest to decifer......these people seem to be very unstable sum times....they are generally very happy people, but they have very sudden mood swings......but if they learn to control their lack of control for other emotions....they will be a very great person indeed....sumone who is very optimistic....one point....maybe sooo optimistic that they are unrealistic.....

earth......this is the hardest of all to read.....these people could be calm on the outside...falling apart on the inside....or falling apart on the outside but very sure of themselves and strong on the inside.....depending on what they feel like being or acting like.....they will do it.....there one of those people that do things first then think of consequences later.....but then this type of people....can also be those who think of all the consequences of everything before moving on to doing sumthing else.....these people are very different, but yet the same element...

metal.....what is metal??? if you really think of it....it's sum sort or mineral....metal....scientific term...it's sum sort of element...either pure element or a mixture....depending on da sort of metal u could be....if u are pure....u are easily bent...but u could be very stubborn at times....one of the most stubborn people.....u want it ur way or u'll make it ugly...if ur a mixture....ur even more stubborn.....very very tuff to bend...but when u are done bending to a certain point....u'll be perfect to sum degree....

light.....yeah....u say this in da white elements......i dun care....i count it still as an element....it's bright....it's refreshing...sumtimes blinding....these type of people are observers...they see alot of stuff...these people can be extremely happy, or extremely unhappy....just depends on how they react to what they see....these people can be very cold, even though u think they are light which give heat, but the fact is....they may be cruel because they don't want to see n e more.....the way they react to their situations also depend on the combination of elements they are...normal reaction to situations is normally to care....

darkness.....u say these people are quite cold...at some times they are....but these people really do depend on the combination of characters. these people, their natural reaction to situations is to not care....that's why they are said to be cold.....but really....they can't deny what they feel though....sumtimes there is like a warmth inside dis darkness that is undescribeable....and to them...they can't describe it either...but the feeling.....feels exstatic....it's an excitement....a thrill.....

hahaha=>:D u noe i talked to jacky for an hour last nite. it wuz kinda funnay.....considering dat i dun talk to her much during the year, but during the summer, or at least this summer, we're like chill buddies, we're almost always togetha....hehehe=>:D sooo funnay, but i like dat....at least i have a companion, a friend, someone i trust to be with during this lonely, boring time of the year.

as i said, we talked.....i said sumthing like this.....most people that are extremely shy don't talk much because they are well....let's say....self conscious, lacking of self-image....so on and so forth. but the thing is here, u aren't lacking in image, bout being self-conscious.....at least around meh ur not....but dere is fear in all of us if we like to admit dat or not.

yeah....there are a few things that only cross a border line thinner than the size or ur nail u noe....for instance, insanity and genius.....happiness and total dispair (this being a totally whacky thing if u dun get what i'm trying to get at)......dere are a few more.....just rite now in the early morn.....i can't figure out how to put it....ask meh later....hahah=>:d

not all things are as easily accepted as one plus one. some things just seem different to others, and that's why it's hard to accept things....yeah......i noe...my entries always respond to urs for sum reason....blah....i have no original thoughts! haha=>:D j/ks j/ks.....well one thing that i noe.....what could be wrapped in a totally hideous manor could be the best gift of ur life.....being friendly is when u want to open up, not because someone is trying to open up to you. yeah.....in n e relationship as i've always said....it hasta be a two way thing where trust, love and all those other things are give, then received and then given bak with an unending cycle...and when the cycle ends....the relationship is kinda cut into tiny peices where it hasta be picked up and built bak.

yeah....in a gurl....at the age of sixteen......very suicidal.....suicide is constantly on my mind....but i will take no action into committing suicide.....i'd rather be in the statistics for death in car accident then for the column for killing themself. i wrote a will a few nites bak....constantly i revise and revise over.....it just seems to be sooo imperfect. fear.....it's sumthing to be conquered.....fear.....is sumthing that we must very much live with.....fear is the beginning of evil, but of all good too. people who are afraid of death either believe they have sumthing too good to let go, or/and they do not noe where they are going to go after death. i suppose that's the diff with meh.....i will never be afraid of death....maybe freaked out because of dreams that almost happened in real life....but death itself isn't soo freak a thought....just freaky when the time and moment actually happens. trust meh.....i could have died in like soo many car accidents this summer......the other car only missed my car by like a centimeter, or else are car would have be completely demolished.

heaven and hell worry alot of people.....but is there much to worry about....maybe it's the way i think.....live in the moment.....so yeah....u either go to heaven or hell.....it's as simple as that.....hell is just everything bad, but heaven is paradise....hey.....extreme spectrums aye? hahaha=>:D it'll be a new lyphe if you think about it....it's gonna be a new us.....all u live for here is in preparation of up there or down there......so whatever it may be......why suffer when you can enjoy yo?

Which [5 Elements] are you?


Which [Seven Dwarfs] are you?


Which [Charlie`sAngels] characters are you?


Is the glass half full or half empty?


Which [Finding Nemo] characters are you?


Which [Rainbow Colours] are you?


Which [Movie Genres] are you?


Are You Naughty or Nice?


What`s your usual [mood]?


Which [Smallville] Characters are you?


Do you need a boy/girl friend now?

i type thoughts soo regularly, it's kinda funnay sumtimes. hahaha=>:D

i dunno, i think too muchie, but at the same time, it's summer, what is there to think about? hehehe>:D it's summer, i shouldn't care soo muchie. hahaha=>:d

i remember a few years ago, i needed to change my image, and instead, my whole personality changed with that design and taste change. i noticed i began to listen to more rock or hard music.....i dressed in more darker colors......i noticed one thing, even though i may have looked better......i had a lack of self confidence and self respect. hahaha=>:d it's kinda funnay. now....as i become more familiar with my own limits, i learn to know myself more. hahaha=>:d funny isn't it. hahaha=>:d everyone knows meh as one who does stupid stuff.....for instance....purposely give myself scars it's funnay....really funnay in a way...u'd say....why do you hurt urself so, but yet you know so much of urself.....at least i noe my limits. hahah=>:D

now.....i've always wanted to go help people....and everytime sumone asks meh to go do sumthing for em....i am always very willing to help.....but is my help always wanted even though they asked? i don't care....being appreciated sometimes makes the person feel better, but u noe.....why should you always be appreciated, ur not perfect.....yes....i mean...u can be admired, looked up upon....and well u can be a role model, but everyone hasta keep in mind dat no one is perfect, no matter how they seem to be....their actions all has a motive..........

i don't know...it's funnay to think of it this way....but i have written a will, a last request, a final statement. hahaha=>:d i'm only 16.....am i being to realistic, too paranoid, too caring, want to be too prepared??? i don't know......neither do i really care......

in my statement...i've stated this.....i've never really been afraid to die....just how, and afraid of the people i'm leaving behind....so in a sense....meh being prepared in this sense leaves meh conquering my fear, but in a sense, it only causes more doubts....these fears can only ever subside if i trust GOD full heartedly. i shouldn't be afraid of those i leave behind, for they may come and join meh......i do not know.....but even if so....i hope all goes well...cause i'm getting colder and more tired now...l8a people....chillax it yo.....

well i can't type chinese on blogger....dumb....and for once....i wanna type a song in chinese, not ping ying!!!! hahaha=>:D

oh wellz...whatever...

yeah....i've been getting bad headaches lately.....and i haven't been on the pc muchie n e ways....just like an hour a day....and i dun read muchie

sighs sighs.....what am i supposed to do??? my mommy asked meh if my neck wuz stiff now days.....and i asked her....what does dat haveta do with n e one??? sighs sighs.....oh wellz...whateva....hehehe=>:D well i'm signing off now...hehehe=>:D l8a yo....hehehe=>:D

do u ever notice dat when u do sumthing too much that well.....u do get sick of it.....no matter how good that thing is.....or how entertaining it is. things just become predictable......

it's not that u get urself into things when uknow more....it's that u are subconciously willing to take the consequence for knowing.... and yeah...it does cause more problems...maybe not.....but whateva....not too bad in the end...

yeah...meh and my crude jokes aye?!?!?!? oh shut up!!! hahaha=>:D well u see....in da same sense...if everyone were like my family....den it would be hard to open up myself...those that i'm supposed to be very close with...instead i run away.....i'm afraid.....those that i shouldn't be close to....well i purposely befriend them...why??? because well.....no one wants to be their friend for a reason...i just wanna find it out...but also.....i hate to be the one outta the crowd....so i purposely include em in....no matter how much i dislike their company.

whao....i'm actually really surprised....i asked u dat question quite a long time ago....and yet u remembered!!!! whoa....amazing......hahaha=>:D u noe....i finally understand why my parents call meh cold....but well.....if dey call dat cold...den dere kinda living on a world of their own....u noe why my parents call meh cold??? they say that only cause i dun talk to them about everything.....and dat i'm always tired and not smiling because i'm tired. sooo whack....yeah....i'm sooo cold......i dun like to be the one initiating all the chit chat u noe.....but u notice what???? i am normally the one who does when talking on the phone, or with a group of friends....but sumtimes.....i wish others would just swoop meh off my feet and then prop meh bak right on my feet. but i seem to be the one doing all the swooping sumtimes.

i've been the kid that's been ignored and neglected...but i've been the kid that's been the center of attention. i noe what true love is....it's just a state that is unattainable...it's sumthing that's achieved, not to grab at. sadness......hahaha=>:D da term ur looking for is i dunno how to use the sadness properly......i noe how it feels to be truly sad.....to fall into a pit and feel as if no one is there......that is what sadness is....then fear adds onto that sadness....and that's when the walls of the pit seems to be closing in on u.....that's what fear is....but i noe how to use fear....not sadness....

whatever....i do respond to ur lil thoughts....dunno why....i just do.....i respond to everyone's thoughts....i dunno why.....but i do.....it's a natural reflex i have....when someone's in need....i dun care at what cost, but i will help and try to make things betta....well l8a yo.....wish more people read my thoughts....maybe den sum people would understand more....or maybe get more confused....so yeah...l8a

okayz okayz....feeling better now....hehehehe=>:D great great....hehehe=>:D nothing to complain about....hehehe=>:D

yupz yupz.....thoughts....too many...but rite now...too tired to type em all....hehehe>:D yupz yupz...well meh gonna go now...chillax it k???

oh yeah...remember one thing.....it's still only july....hehehehe=>:D yupz yupz......one more month...and yes....i can't wait till skool....dis summer has been great....hehehe=>:D yupz yupz.....hehehe=>:D well meh gonna go now...chillax it yo....

everything changes....even the slightest change is a change...

we grow apart...unwilling to be close again....or maybe we just dun have time for each other n e more...it makes meh sad to loose friends this way......never talking n e more because u feel complete with someone and have forgotten the past, because ur past wuzn't happy and i wuz part of it.

why are you running away??? or maybe that's just the way i'm perceiving things, but that is surely how it seems to everyone, not ustmeh. hahahaha=>:D

jenny, ur such a joker, u wanna hook meh up with ur japanese cousin???? oh....hahaha=>:D u think it's cute....but i say.....are u sure it's gonna work??? haahahaha=>:D dat's sooo funnay....hehehe=>:D

bak to what i wuz saying.....i always think that everyone's forgotten meh, maybe it's just my fear of being alone.....maybe it's not....but whatever it is.....it's annoying.... yeah....u dun haveta be soo mean about it....yeah...the truth hurts...but u dun haveta say things that way.....ur exact words, "sabby, dun be like dat...why do u always expect that??? not everyone is gonna give you everything you want!!!!" yeah....u noe what i gotsta say to you???? STOP BEING A LIL BITCH!!!! so yeah......i feel better now.....i've forgiven you....but havet not forgotten....still angry at you.....halfly cause u dunno u even hurt meh with being the lil bitch u are.....sighs....and to have considered you as a good friend.....u malicious bitch.....hm....

oh yeah.....i'm talking about sum gurl that is way too buzy to even talk to meh with courtesy now days.....hahahaha=>:D so yeah....i'm signing off now...chillax

hahhaa=>:D thoughts don't just come in mellow moods. i dunno....i'm just a thinker.....no matter whatever i do whatever i say, whatever i want.....i will think. hahaha

i maybe an unhappy thinker when i'm stressed, but if others cannot live with it.....then well i'll just say.....i am gonna be there for you no matter what....

i want whoever is reading this to not be discouraged.....i am a person who may not be found very often.....but i must say....in everyone's lyphe...there is someone like me.....and most likely even better.....so when you are feeling discouraged and upset....just noe this...there is at least one person standing right beside you weathering the storm with you even though everyone else is just waiting at the end of the storm.

i haven't written a thought for a long time now. hahaha=>:D but you think i need to since i am buzy either sleeping or out? i'm not too well now days, but hey....dat dun mean n e thing. haven't i already told you peeps dat i am sick.....i mean....maybe mentally which i shouldn't be..... but i am physically sick.....i just dun seem to absorb the nutrients i eat from my foods and well.....guess what??? i pay for it. but i dun mind......in a way...dat's just lyphe....that's how things are thrown at meh. sometimes it hard to accept that people hate meh and others just forget about meh....but i'm sure....they still remember meh in some very vague image. hahaha=>:D i don't need to be constantly reminded of the lyphe i have.....everyone already does that. i don't nee to be constantly thanked. i'm just happy being at the time.....and i dunno.....those that accept too easily sometimes have a harder time in lyphe accepting themselves...but hey....in the end....i like it that way

lyphe can't always be easy......lyphe is a journey where each and every question is answered by yes i do and no i do not.....there is also another option....to come bak to the same question later.....but each of the question is the same..... do you accept the matter???? if yes....you'd be willing to accept, move on, struggle a tiny bit, and work towards what you have accpeted....if no....then u struggle enuff to cause more pain, don't move on quickly enuff, and u lead to more questions of accpetance. hahaha=>:D that's the thing about lyphe....it always wants the answer to be a yes....cause what has happened cannot be changed...cause you are not GOD, u will never be. NO MATTER HOW YOU PLAY AND ACT AS GOD BY CLONING OR WHAT NOT, YOU WILL NEVER BE!!!~~^^.

i'm not too philosophical....i don't wish to be....i just observe enuff to draw conclusions....yet i still noe i shall not be too absolute......i finally noe what makes a person absolute.....many with determine minds are those who are hated....what for??? because they are determined for sumthing.....and they draw everything to that one point....most of those who are extrememly determined may seem optimistic by using their pessimistic energies into constructive work.....very positive thing. but most absolute people are those who are very stubborn...actually....stubborn and being absolute are the same thing....you are unwilling to change......lyphe is not even constant cause death itself ends lyphe.....but change is constant...even after death......but death is not constant....cause it only ever happens once...but what makes it constant is that it happens to everyone...which is not the case if you actually ever flipped through the bible to read most of it.....it's quite amazing if you ask meh....

GOD proves one thing through lyphe and death.....HE's IS THE ALMIGHTY ONE WITH ALL CHOICES......and he gave use power to have limited choice, but enuff to destroy our own very being.....hahaha=>:D difficult??? ain't supposed to. i just like to stimulate mind thinking.....hahaha=>:d at least once in a while.....people don't really want to understand meh....or either that...they just find it extremely hard......but one thing is for sure....maybe i'm just too simple and people think it's complexed....yeah....i wuz watching ultimate bra.......and that movie is kinda stupid....but what made meh think is this.....maybe what we want and need is sumthing soo simple that everyone thinks there is sumthing behind the fact of what we need that causes it to be complexed. i really think that is the case......simple....i just want whatever lyphe has to offer....and that may be bad, may be good. that's why i don't rate things....i just ever say things are okay....i swear...there is never a perfect, but is almost perfect......there is nothing useless and worthless cause it wuz made or thought of from somewhere.. simple as this.....i just wanna be......and in times....it's just hard.......but what isn't rite???? so in the same way....lyphe moves on even in the best of times...and moves even more in the worst of times....just that when we are down...everything seems soo slow cause we want too rapid of results....but whatever the case......

i write because i can, i see and smell and hear cause i will.......and cry because i just can't help it. if you don't wanna see my tears....then you are willing to make urself blind. no one likes an insensitive bastard....but i still love you....and dun worry bout that......i'm talking to everyone....hahaha=>:D and you can count on me to say i love you.....cause i do mean it......but what i need to learn is not how to love n e more, but how to apply with patience and joy......

hm......hating and loving only have one very fine border line inbetween them. they are very common if you were to think of it. first of all....when u hate someone...they are always on ur mind....i mean...constantly....u are always wanting ways to get bak and defeat them in one way or another.....while love.....is in a more happy way when they are on ur mind. to hate sumthing may shatter ur heart...but loving and losing can also shatter ur heart. hate can also be intoxicating....plotting revenge is sweet when refenge happens...but the point is.....there is not much difference between love and hate. hahaha=>:D i can hate someone, yet love them all at the same time. what u define love and what you define hate as are two complete emotional different sides of the bar....but to that bar....u will meet in the very middle.

well u want people to ease up on talking...but can i do dat? i dunno.....to meh.....i could never leave n e one alone...halfly cause being alone is my very worst fear above heights and the people around meh when i die. but the fact is.....will u ever be able to forget? in n e way can you? is it possible that u would? i noe u can't.......stop lying to urself....u can't either...and you noe dat you can't. yeah...harsh....i'm sollie.....u noe what??? i think the thing here is....sumthing or a matter which i can help...hahaha=.:D stop trying to forget...and with time...u will....i'm not saying it wun hurt...but the more u try to...the more u will think about it....this is coming from a person who is still in love and is on the way to being recovered. hahaha=>:D dun wollie...lil sabby here will do just fine....hehehe=>:D that's just how things work....u get pissed off....or maybe just annoyed only cause they remind you of things that you do not wanna be reminded of.....but in some ways....facing it may help more than u ever noe.

hehehe=.:D all the rest i haveta say.....thanx....hehehehe=.:D u say ur sista thinks meh weird aye???? hahaha=>:D well she's weird too....compliment of sabby....hehehe=.:D chillax it ya'll....

hm.....why give up on friendship ar???? just cause sumthing didn't work out da way you want it to be, it dun mean dat friendship ain't important. hahaha=.:Dit may hurt only to see that you are still friends and it hurts tons because u can't have what you once had or is standing right in front of ya, but the truth is.....hurt doesn't subside....it stays forever....it is only forgotten and then a lesson teaches sumthing that you forgot. this doesn't go for many children, but after the age of 12, i believe you have had enuff experience to understand or at least cope with much of the situations that are happening around you. ur heart ain't crushed, it is merely just a bit bruised, but even if it is bruised, the bruise will go away.....not all scars stay for lyphe......and those that do, remind you of past lessons that were once learnt. the main focus of everything is this, lyphe moves on. u should not want....remember in psalms....the Lord is my shepherd, i shall not want....he lies me down besides green pastures, he restores my soul.....some say emotional pain hurts mor than physical pain....but i really dun think of it as that way....i think about it as this....pain is pain...no matter physical, spiritual, or emotional....it is pain. pain has only one feeling, hurt! okayz......u may feel dry for meh saying this....but tommy asked meh today, so..."sabina, do you consider brian as you best friend?" in my answer, i said this....and i hope it does not offend. "no, i do not have best friends, i have good friends. the reason being....cause i don't wanna rank my friends....best means that there is none better and much worst....the fact is.....there is only one best friend....and that is GOD....and everyone else shall only be good friends...." i hope it didn't offend....

i dunno, sooo many things are running through my head now....running through my head, running through my head.....i dunno....just random things that everyone noes. hahaha=.:D taunting meh...stupid tommy boi....oh wellz.....it's all kool....he's a nice guy. hahaha=.:D

one thing i find funnay is.....many people don't like harsh words......and many people also dun like sweet words......dey just dun like hearing bad stuff in general. am i one of dose people??? are you one of dose people?!?!? i dunno...wat must i conclude??? i cannot conclude n e thing. one must look upon the talents and skills of others....not look down or dismiss an issue. hahaha=.:D if sumthing is hard to listen, u shall listen too....if sumthing is easy to listen....pay even closer attention.....u pay attention to listen to the words spoken and see if you can apply....but while being soo easy to listen to....are you sure it's not just what you want to hear??!?!?!? hahaha=.:D some people never move on unless they see others are content and satisfied....but sum people.....can let go and move on very quickly....as if nothing has happened.

ur heart is never ripped out...is is ever present....and if it weren't....u would have no conscience...no form of being...u wouldn't be human cause u would see and feel and not give n e pity. friendship isn't just simply giving....it's more like entrusting.....just because romance didn't work out doesn't mean that you can't be friends....yes....the relationship of this friendship will be ever changed.....but it dun mean u shouldn't try to have friendship. just because things ain't gonna be the same doesn't mean there can't be n e. yes....it may be hard to have frienship...but soon maybe u'll just move on and all that awkwardness will just fade....sumtimes...it just never will. i even noe that sumtimes the effort it takes for sumthing to work out is just too much and seems not worth it.....but being worth it is not for you to judge.....see it this way....if u say sumthing isn't worth it...than are u worth here taking up space??? taking up oxygen??? is it worth for you to be created??? so henceforth...it is definately not for you to judge what is worth is and what is not.

well dat's all my thoughts.....for now....unless tommy boi can make another comment that will entrice my mind into thinking......hahaha=.:D watever....hm....wrong word...entricing?!?!? hm...oh wellz...couldn't think of another word....hahaha=>:D well lil sabby hasta go...chillax it yo...l8a

EVERYTHING : You belong in a small percentage of Asian females who are an all-round-little-bit-of-everything group. You don't have an accent, but you can speak your own language a little too. You shop at many stores including Forever 21, Rave, and Abercrombie. You own several pairs of platforms and those cute neon colored thongs. Stop being indecisive.


What Asian Girl Are You?
VISIT HTTP://JEALOUSY.TK


YOU LIVE IN A WALMART BAG!!!


what's YOUR deepest secret?
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Your Heart is Red


What Color is Your Heart?
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dun ask.....i just love dat one....i've taken it over like 5 times now....muhahahaha


You're the suggestive grin,mostly used while
flirting and accompanied by the come-hither
look.You're either an attention hog or way too
insecure to not be in the spotlight at all
times.No one can quite tell.Calm down and learn
to be regular,ya perv.


What Kind of Smile are You?
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You are the mystery woman


Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
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hm.....i dunno.....i finally noe why i'm upset. hahahha=>:d seee.....let's seee....
1) seeing certain people make meh upset, not while i'm with them, but when they leave.
2) i'm just a very hollow person with just a mind of her own...
3) i'm too opinionated and sometimes maybe just sumtimes people critisize meh a bit too muchie...
4) i just dun tell muchie to n e one now days, and it's all eating da insides of meh

well dat's it...i finally understand....muhahah. it's kinda funnay....oh wellz.....am i different? how different??? oh wellz...whateva...i'm tired...i'll just sleep soon...grrr....l8a...chillax it yo....

yo boi.....i miss ya......maybe it's just dat i really miss chit chatting with you....even if it's about nothing or n e thing......i just miss it......well i'll see what i can do bout dat.....but in truth....i suppose i miss everything...everyone...n e thing.

after work, i feel alot better now, i've taken all that negative energy and used it for sumthing else now, i feel more satisfied. i'm sorry bout not being able to go to ur CHurchie tom, but i just can't, i gots no ride ar. hehehe=>:D but i'm going next week ar, dun wollie, dat i'm pretty sure bout unless ken gor can't drive meh. hehehe=>:d finally, i suppose i will be enjoying church lyphe again.

i have many faults. one that i noe is dis, i am too absolute.....so stuck on one thing, that i don't really change my mind very muchie. i'm too stuck on ideas and stubborn. maybe it's the fact that i'm too knowledgeable. well the fact is, i need support which i receive in levels that are very unoticeable some times. i'm tired...but i haveta finish a 1500 peice puzzle for my mommy by the den of this week.....but den again..maybe dis month....hehehehe=>:D

well whateva...hope to talk to you soon ar!!! well i'm going now...l8a yo.....

it's late in the morning now. i got seven hours of sleep. i haven't had so much sleep in a long while now. i don't feel so great. i feel kinda sick now. maybe it's da lack of sleep, lack of food and such. i dunno....maybe i'll get better....maybe i wun. sighs......very very whack. i'm too tired and exhausted. i really lack the mind to think now. i'm too tired.....but maybe i'm not. i haveta work tonite.......do u want meh to call ya ma???? i dun think i will call n e one....even doe i miss the company of people......but i am always surrounded by my family, it's alritez. hehehehe=>:D

i wuz watching terminator three last nite......it made meh think about too muchie......as a person said.....everything wants to survive, even machines. muhahahahah=>:D i suppose da world is a constant fight for survival......no one and nothing wants to die. the fact and true thing is....there is no right to inflict pain. i read a book.....it's called the cry of the children....it's a sci-fi kinda book, but the thing and message derived from the novel by me wuz dis. everyone, weak or strong should work together. in this scenario, those who are weak shall not be jealous of those who are stronger, and those who are stronger shall not be despising of those who are weak. the thing is.....the strength of one is not to another, but no one is perfect, they are always lacking in sum part of their character. everyone is unique.....their talents should not be judge. who gives the right for you to judge a talent for being weak or strong? i must agree though, the world is a constant survival of the fittest.

also at the end of t3, they said this, the enevitable can only be prolonged from happening, u cannot change it, it will happen. the true fact here is death. the enevitable is death, because u noe it will happen to ya, just dat u dunno when. it is enevitable of the struggles dat you must go through.......

terminator three.....hm.....think bout dis.......everyone is one who has the power to terminate. to destroy and be strong. everyone wants to survive.....grrrr....oh wellz......i'm just thinking too muchie of a movie.....well meh gona go....l8a yo....

well i'm reading ur july third thoughts. u sound angry at sumthing, u sound frustrated, u sound worried, u sound even sad.....u sound confused. u sound happy to a point of utter confusion.

i suppose u are rite.....no sorry mean no one does n e thing wrong to be worth to say sorry. but i dunno....i dun wanna prove u wrong cause in a time like this......u mite just not be able to handle it.....but hopefully coming from meh.....i hope u can see a bit more to such a bad scenario.

u dun wanna hear the word sorry. u say that we are human. u say it's just a term that is used way too much??? u say that by being human, we make mistakes. so what u look for is not the word in itself, but the acknowledgement of the wrong that you did. u say u can accept the fact that humans are imperfect, but are u accepting that fact? to many, the word sorry may just be a damn stinking word that is used as a term for doing nothing wrong......but have u ever thought of the intentions of the person saying sorry? even if the person wuz just caring and felt as if she did everything wrong.......it dun mean dat she dun mean every letter in the word sorry. here.....look at imperfections this way....a scale of sin. this is a funnay matter.....as i've looked through the bible.....that story about throwing the first stone??? well u see.....no one could throw the first stone rite??? so here goes.....there is only one sin.....sin will alwyas be sin. there is no greater or less measure to sin accept being sin. in the same sense, being wrong is wrong....what is wrong will always be wrong. those who feel sorry will be sorry because they did sumthing wrong.....u understand where i'm coming from ma??? honestly, can you throw the first stone? i noe i can't.......unless anger and sadness had taken over meh, and even then.....caring would be upon all else then to throw a stone at a person.....now ask urself....can you throw the first damn stone????

onto the word love. so when i say i love you.....or i love him....or i love her....do u think i'm ust saying it??? cause if you think i'm just saying it.....then maybe it's better just to be deaf, mute and blind. even if i do not say the word, does it mean i am not expressing the word in my daily actions? so if i am showing my love through my actions....does it mean i'm overusing the term??? girlfriends and boifriends should love each other....the phrase may be overused, but maybe the term and saying is truly what they feel. it's a routine, but love is one of the only things that if you receive and give will great results come. like skool.....no student really likes skool much.....cause u haveta open ur minds and sit in class and learn....u dun like da fact that the teach gives hmwk.....so dat's routine during skool days ain't it? it dun mean it's bad for us. bad example, best i can think up.

now to the blaming thing, i have no words for it.....just ain't rite....i always blame myself for everything....i know it's not rite...i do it n e ways.......but i have nothing to say to it because it's not for meh to say n e thing since i blame myself for almost everything that happens.

u say you can't let go. here's one reason and only one reason...because u are afraid....afraid of what.....i do not know....but u are afraid of sumthing.....and until u can conquer that fear....u will will be afraid. hey, wondering why u are lying on the floor because u have fallen isn't always a bad thing. the bad thing is when u find out that u are no longer able to move some part of ur body because of an injury. i may sound really stupid...but what i'm trying to say is.....injury causes u to work harder and strive more....the strength is derived from a fountain that is neverending.

have i not cried? u have heard my tears.....u can see them if you look closely enuff.....the fact remaining....everyone is a bomb waiting to explode. those with abundant energy are fountains of happiness....but when under stress....a great explosion of frustration, sadness, or anger. so what if you are a ticking time bomb of sum sort? to tell you the truth....those who know you well should be prepared to wait for the explosion and help you cleam up the mess in short.

normal is only a standard u set for urself......now as to the loss of humanity...i have sumthing to say to that. being cold....is the loss of humanity. i've been there...in short....i've been almost to every extreme of each emotion with a very very fine lined balance between all of them......a very drastic change..... u are hurting just as much as u used to.....or maybe u hurt even more. the fact is....u are still hurting. i like to think simple even in times of great thought.....my thoughts are always simple...straight to the fact......and now...i am going straight to the fact again.....as sin is sin....so is hurt...hurt is hurt...even if it is less or more...hurt is hurt. a person with an injury is someone in need of help and assistance.....so in the same way.....u are hurt...who cares about the amount of hurt u are in.....u are hurt...as simple as that. i dunno.....praying and reading bible are always good....but what i see is this....maybe sumtimes u just need a break from things...a break from the world....when u just release urself from everything.

i do that very often....i'm always floating on a cloud with a very unpleasant look on my face...the fact is.....i'm always thinking and thought provoked. i noe my thoughts depress......u really think i try to be depressing??continuing....the thing is.....if depressing is the way i think to draw happy conclusions....i'd rather be that way and just enjoy myself...

u say that everyone thinks u as their brother....now have i ever said that to ya??? i'll say this....it is in ur nature to care.....as a brother maybe...but whatever that caring nature leads.....enjoy it......enjoy the person that you are. it's not everyday in this world that you see a caring person that actually is looked up to as a brother. hey....wuz soo bad about being a brother??? u have the role of protecting....nurturing....caring....and all at the same time...to be cared and protected and nurtured....nothing too bad.....people call meh mommy, sista.....sometimes it bugs meh....but the fact is....i enjoy it....i'd rather be known for the person i am than sumthing i am not.

i shall also end like this.....those who care, respect, love......are those who will protect, heal and nurture u bak or to the way u wanna be. i will say this.....i am sorry......sorry for all those things that i may have done to offend you......yeah...u hate the word.....i use it often only because i mean it......knowing that the future is always unforseen and is a blurred image of what you make of in the present.....i say sorry so that everything can be cleared.....i shall also say i love you....because there is no time like the present to ever show ur love. love is abundant....as if you wanna hear it or not...it is there......

i have made the choice to never jump the cliff....even though at times soo ruff i have attempted...but does it not prove to u for sum reason that i cannot die by suicide???? so therefore....i vow to never attempt it again.....i shall never jump even when i'm a toe away from the edge of a cliff....now promise meh....no matter what is wrong.....just be here by my side because i will never leave unless u push meh away......

i have not mastered friendship, i can only become mastered by experience, so i shall be forever wandering to find the best qualities because i haveta find ways to achieve. and as of now, i'm signing off......

damn stupid blog....it has made meh angry.....i had such a great thought.....or shall i say thoughts???? well i shall not repeat my long thoughts....i am going.......goodnite.......

but i shall tell you.....i am in need....i've given you the intiative.....now show the ending result.......i will not expect....for everything is a surprise.....i no longer want to be let down....my miseries shall overtake meh, but i will not hand myself over. just do whatever u wanna do......u noe where u'll findd meh.......

taking quizzies cause i'm bored

yo...is this true????


You represent... apathy.
You don't really show any emotion. You can be
considered cruel and cold, but you just don't
really care about anything. This is just the
way you are... you're quite a challenge to get
close to, and others may perceive you as
boring.


What feeling do you represent?
brought to you by Quizilla

i really dunno if da above shows who i am...but whatever it may e......hahahahah=.:D


What Finding Nemo Character are You?
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muhahahah sooo contridictory.,.....first they say i'm cold...den dey say i'm such a happy person....buhahahaha=>:D ^^


FIRE is your chinese symbol!


What Chinese Symbol Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

hahaha=>:D i swear...some of this stuff is hilarious....hahhaa=.:D it's soo contridictory....muhahahah


You have an entrancing kiss~ the kind that leaves
your partner bedazzled and maybe even feeling
he/she is dreaming. Quite effective; the kiss
that never lessens and always blows your
partner away like the first time.


What kind of kiss are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

now i'm really beginning to feel stupid....i'm taking stupid quizzies


You are Love.

You love life, you love all those around you and
the world that you live in. You are happiest
when you are doing something for someone else
or for the common good of mankind.


What Emotion Are You?
brought to you by Quizilla

man....sum of dis stuff sure is funnay when all the other results are soo diff, but yet one in de same....


-Perfect- You're the perfect girlfriend. Which
means you're rare or that you cheated :P You're
the kind of chick that can hang out with your
boyfriend's friends and be silly. You don't
care about presents or about going to fancy
placed. Hell, just hang out. You're just happy
being around your boyfriend.


What Kind of Girlfriend Are You?
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now this one.....i agree.....muhahahaha=>:D


Tomboy


What's your sexual appeal?
brought to you by Quizilla

well i suppose this one is true....i always get the same result for this quizzie for sum reason....hahaha=>:D but all my answers are always difff.....i just noe dey are....hehehehe


What rating is your journal?
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your asshole.


What swear word are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

first i got bitch....now i'm an asshole?!?!?!?so that makes meh a bitchy asshole.....hahaha=>:D



i will do more lata...gotsta go eat din din now...l8a yo

muhahaha=>:D i wanna say dis to everyone....forget my name....forget who i am....forget the way i used to be....just noe this....my name is SABINA....i am a christian, maybe a horrible one, but i am, i believe that GOD is my saviour, my only LORD. I shall have no other before him and everything else behind him.

da day before yesterday, i went to a party. a party which i knew no one at all. hahhaa=>:D i suppose the image i let on tells people that i am different than the type of person i am. hahaha=>:D i can't say i really got along with those people, but i sure enjoyed being with that group of people. hahaha=.:D i suppose it's just cause i'm a bit diff, but den again.....maybe i'm just another typical person. hahaha=.:D

sometimes blanked mind and blanked emotions are awesome.....den u dun really think except dat u ask why u feel dat way. hahahaha=>:D i really have no clue what i'm talking about....but bak to my day with those friends i consider friends even though i dunno em muchie...

bak to my experience on dat day. sorry to have like wasted ur time by going to ur housie...but everytime i go.....i enjoy myself...even doe it may be boring to sum people..../..but i truly like being in the company of others....but yet i am not an attention seeker. hahaha=.:D i just noticed....u gave me ur old light in exchange for a new crappier one. but the thing is....i mite just return in to ya.....i think it means more to ya den it would ever mean to meh. i'm not being ungracious of ur "used" and still working light....but the thing is.....to meh it's just a symbol in my lyphe...a symbol that through the thick and the thin...there will always be a light....even if it is very small, very ancient, it's still brite...and and even it runs out of batteries, it'll still be shining...shinging in ur memory....a light that glowed or shimmered or sparkeled......getting n e where with this crappy analogy?

well yeah......it shines funky colors....hehehe=>:D and dat's just what like keeps meh looking forward to like seeing it glow....muhahaha=.:D FUNKY COLORS.....more like just orange and yellow......but hey...it's sooo kool

now bak to my day on monday.....

i didn't noe dose people...but yet....i suppose i accepted da fact dat dey were people and since dey were ur friends....i may as well just hang round dem. yo....dey are nice and fun to hang round with. muhahaha=.:D besides da fact dat derek only said like three sentences to meh during da whole time, but whateva....he's too buzy with his gf. muhahaha=.:D dey're soo cute.....muhahaha=.:D i think too much...haven't i told ya dat already???

every lil thing...i turn into another analogy......i change it to sumthing that is similar, but not exactly the situation, but i suppose that way makes meh look at things in a more pessimistic view sumtimes and sumtimes more optimistic.

being blanked can mean ur mind is clear of certain situations....but sumtimes...it makes u face harsher realities dat u never woulda seen before...but all i can say is dis.....da world will always have a light shining at the end of the storm....and shining even during the storm, but it is just a matter about u trying to see the light.

one more thing......i will be here even when u feel blank or full of ideas....