sleeping now, but shall i have sweet or bitter dreams? i want you but i push you away, will you come closer to me still? hm...it doesn't matter if you are afraid of me, becaus ei know your fear. actually, most my friends aren't built on trust. it's just based upon that i have a lovely smile and an open heart to try to help. but then again...what is trust...and what isn't it? what's love and what isn't it? what's the fine line between hate and love?!?!?

as the years and months and weeks go past, my thoughts get more stupid and even more stupid. my thoughts become more disoriented in a mannor that is undescribable. sighs sighs......i am just depressed.....and i think i'm bipolar....args....not a good thing...not at all.....

will one day i find my true love?

yeah val, i do agree that love at first site is only lust.......and i'm proud to admit that well.....there's only a few people that agree with me...and one being youz....keke^^

i will endure the pain. i will and i must. i can and i should so i shall. but at times like this, i just feel like o-d-ing myself on like pain killers, cough syrup and alchohol. deadly combination......drop dead in a matter of hours if not minutes. why am i sooo suicidal? why do i allow my thoughts to think of such torment for myself? but then again, i shall never stick my head in an oven and kill myself. keke^^ yes, sylvia plath's dead now, but the tragic thing is, i think she was the way she was all her life. she tormented herself with her own thoughts, pleasures and pains. and i suppose....in many ways.....i'm like her....args. sooo velly velly evil evil. hm. tired....

hayao miyazaki.....

wow....it's been a long time from the very beginning that i used this...wow.....

hm......no more words and describe the feelings of despair and depression i feel right now. but even in such a condition and state...i must say.....

I LOVE YOU

sooo gros....have like acid reflex or like heartburn....args...or maybe both....args.....it hurts to breath....and i keep on feeling like i wanna puke...and my stomache is making all these funny noises. no, i am not constipated if that's what you're thinking. i hate this. i don't like puking and so when i do, i just swallow it back down. args.....twice the burn......args......i'm dying at the age of 16....

hm....tomorrow...hm....april first? args.....soo many people gonna play stupid fricking jokes on me i know it. i won't be in the mood. and if they do end up doing sumthing stupid.....you can bet your ass that i will be yelling a whole lot. i just don't have the patience. and yeah, i will be angry beyond words. i have lost my patience. i have become irritated these past few days. i've been running on about 2 hours of sleep daily. and i can't help it because i just can't sleep. sighs.

if i get forced into doing something i don't want to, will i defend myself? will someone be there to defend me? will i be alone standing there by myself? hm. if i am alone, GOD will protect me

you and i have been drifting apart for ages. sighs sighs. and i want you back in my life. i want you to be there to talk to me and comfort me, even when reality is harsh.

sighs sighs. i am useless. i'm soo stupid. i'm becoming more stupid by the day. sighs. i'm sucha failure. i feel like dropping out of skool. i feel as if there is no hope for me at the end of the school day. i feel like vomitting. args. i feel like crying constantly. args. it sucks sooo bad. i'm such a complainer. hm. i don't feel lonely anymore. i constantly know that the presence of GOD is with me. i never feel alone anymore. but i must say, at times, i do feel rather rejected. args args. hm. i'm tired. i'm dropping night school for sure. sighs sighs. can't take all this stress anymore. sighs sighs. if only....if only...

finished my shouts for the night....

hm.....above all and should have been first and formost....i thank GOD for giving me such great friends. my gratitude goes out to my LORD. i prayed that when i reached highschool that i would follow the right crowd. i prayed that you would lead me to the path you thought would be best for me. and you have answered my prayers like many other times that you have. THANK YOU.

more people to thank for....everyone is my friend, but there are just some characteristics that to me are really worth mentioning

to:

brian. even though at many times, we are separated by great distance (oakville and mississauga?soooo far aye? keke^^), we never fail to inform each other of troubles or problems. i know many times i talk to you when i have sumthing wrong, but many times, i don't know if you are too busy or not. but even if so, there are soo many times that our convos just go blank. but i love you all the same. i know at times i get really annoying with my philosophies and repeated speeches, but i just want to help. i want to help and i can't help but to help you. you mean the world to me. i know you have your mood swings, but doesn't everyone? now if i can't understand that people have moodswings, what kind of friend would i be to you? now, you were there when i needed you most, and i know that whenever i need you will be there or hope to help me again. thanx for being there. you are truly my dearest friend.

pat. you are sooo seemart. and no matter what anyone says about you, you are pat and you deserve a pat on the back. no pun intended...keke^^ seriously though, don't worry about anything. GOD will provide away. oh by the way, thanx for always answering my stupid chem questions when i have problems. even though i know you are studying for yourself. thanx soo much for taking time out of your day to help this poor lil girl. and i hope you get better and feel better.

jean. you are like the sister i can never have. i mean, i love my own sister and all, but she's still the sister i have. i'm greatful that i have a sister to compare you to the sister i have. you are just as great. sooo many times, i forget that we have years in between us, because when we talk, i always think you are just one of us. i don't feel the difference. i just love you sooo much i don't know where to begin....we've been friends for such a short period of time, but also a long period of time. nothing can fathom my love for our friendship

bessie. you are the younger sister i never had and can never have. i got to know you more and more.....how long has it been? six years now? keke^^ but now....i can't believe it...you will be leaving my life. thanx for just being there. there isn't much i can say to you because you are soo precious to me..... but.....i love you all in all, you and your ways. *hugs*

i want to write thanx for everyone and list who they are....but i honestly don't have the time? well let's start the list anyways.

to:

jenny. i know you don't read this. but i can't neglect you either way. you know how i am and how i am not. you know i don't like hugs, but yet you give them to me anyways. thanx. you really are like my sunshine. you put smiles on my face whenever i feel stupid. you never put me down just because i'm getting a lower grade. you always help me and hear me out and tell me what to do for skool even though i can't do it at times. thanx for being one of my bestest buddies

val. you also don't read this, and when you do, you might be surprised how much my thoughts have to do about the conversations we have on the phone. keke^^ see, we are soo different, but soo similar all at the same time. it's soo great to have a friend like you. no words can describe our friendship besides that we are friends. we have our disagreements but we never actually argue over these matters. we only ever get passionate about what we are saying. keke^^ love ya......even though you'd prolly say hate ya before you knew that you meant the opposite....keke^^

rache c. keke^^ you know. i once thought you were one of those ditzy girls aye? and now i come to see....wow, you are far from it...maybe at times everyone has those ditzy moments, but heck....which person doesn't? yeah.....guys can have ditzy moments too. keke^^ another miss sunshine in my life. even though at times your smiles are fake becuase you don't want me to know how unhappy you truly are, you still put smiles on my face. even though at times you neglecting from hearing the topic you are talking about, it really doesn't matter. me don't get upset, because you know, being around you just makes me happy cause you are you. keke^^ thanx for just being there

it takes me hours and hours to orient my thoughts. sighs. i'm not angry, i'm not happy, and yet i feel depressed though. sighs. even in the company of my friends, i was unable to smile today. and when i did smile, i know it looked fake. it just didn't feel right all to begin with. but i don't know what to say. it's just hard to smile when you truly don't find that place inside of you to smile. i mean, i used to be very good at pretending a smile, but as the days go on and on, and i grow older and older, smiling even when i don't want to becomes harder and harder. i don't like to fake things anymore. i just find it near impossible to display fake feelings. i just can't help it. maybe it's because i know that smiling doesn't make you happy. maybe deep down inside i really just want someone to notice that i am not happy. it's funnay how that people know there's something wrong with me because i'm not talking. people don't really care if i smile or not. it's really true. most times when i do not smile are times that i do not speak and am not talking. and because my words come out louder than my facial expressions because i'm silent. most people when they see something wrong say this, "are you alright sabina? you're not talking, is there something on your mind. i hope you are alright because you normally talk alot when you are happy." it's cute i must admit. and all those that say stuff like that to me......come to think about it....i just really wanna go up and hug them. sighs.

some people say i dwell on the past too much. but the fact is, if you never ever look back, do you not ever learn?

sighs. i'm confused again. i write too much and i do not talk about anything. these past two days since monday night, i have been deeply distressed. i'm getting into higher grades, and yet my marks are getting lower and lower. sighs sighs. i feel sooo inadequate.

hm....when i speak, do i have an accent? it's weird. some people say i have an accent, and some people say i don't. i have no clue. but i know i don't speak perfect english, and i also know that i don't speak perfect cantonese. args. baka.....oh wellz. wo yong yuan dao bu hui ming bai de. wo bu zhi dao wei she me le, sou yi ni bu ying gai wen wo le. hm. aw but gi doe wai sum mo, dan si aw but ho yi ming bact. aw wing yuen do but ho yi tong ney gai sic aw sueng suet sum mo la. i don't even know why i did that, i haven't done ping ying or attempted phonetically spelling cantonese either. weird. faye sueng wun guct la....sighs. wo hun wu liao la......oh wellz. maybe it's because most my asian friends are taiwanese or what not, but you know, everyone that i talk to that is really asian thinks i'm taiwanese now. and when i speak cantonese, they are surprised that i am not speaking mandarin. hm. i think it's a good thing and bad thing that i'm dropping japanese. i see that i want to learn on my own benefit, and that it could help people get to know GOD. but then all at the same time, i see how such a waste of my time that could be. but i suppose it's not my time to waste, and it's not my time to begin with. so it's basically i pray and hope that seeds will blume and grow i suppose. but will i ever be fluent enough? will i ever feel less inadequate? i do not know.

sen to chihiro no kami kakushi

it's kinda funny. i look back to the writings that i write on paper and i see tht lately, all my thoughts are very godly related. man, i should start reading my bible on a more consistant basis. hm. but i don't know. it's hard to say. keke^^ i notice that i am poetic in a sense through words in story like manners than i am. you think being poetic is only through writing poems.....but....being poetic means: Expressed in metrical form; exhibiting the imaginative or the rhythmical quality of poetry; as, a poetical composition; poetical prose. it's weird. maybe it's because i'm tooo philisophical. maybe it's because i think too much. hm. have you ever noticed that people that think too much have really long eyesbrow hair? or is it just me? maybe it's just on asian people, but that's what i noticed on asian people. hm. it's weird. everything was created for a reason. everything is done for a reason. maybe as a human we loose sight of the greater good, but honestly, there is stuff that can happen even though we can't see why at the present state. i do not believe in the perfect crime. i do not believe in the perfect human. but if you say the perfect human is a person who lives out a perfect and only flaw...then yes, that person is a perfect human. i have mentioned before what i think, but it's not that many people agree or disagree. i have made up my mind to quit japanese class. yeah i know, i am never fully committed into doing anything and that is why my relationships between people never last very long. but then again, relationships are very different than a commitment to studying because books can never love you back no matter how much you love them.

a friend and i started to discuss matters of love. and we agreed on one thing, love is a matter that we all know is always present but when it comes down to defining specific characteristics, it is nearly impossible because love is equavalent to too many things. i suppose that this much will always be true. since GOD is love, and GOD is soo many things, it is nearly impossible, and that is why it is nearly impossible to define what all characteristics of love is. and the only way to define love is to say that LOVE IS GOD and GOD IS LOVE.

as the days go by, i talk more and more about GOD. i can't help it. in times like this when self- consciousness is not ever so present, i really believe that mankind needs GOD.

homosexuality, right or wrong? i mean, some people say that the legallizing homosexual marriages is just a word, "marriage" but as for me, maybe it's because i'm being all anal? but then GOD said it was wrong. and that he created man and woman not man and man. but all this is soo confusing to explain to someone that is not christian. how do you talk about homosexuality and why it is wrong relating to GOD to a person that does not believe in CHRIST? sooo difficult. i must say, the time needed to help people see GOD is getting more shorter and shorter. and yet the effort is getting more and more. i suppose all we can do is pray for all those lost souls and that one day the seed planted within them will grow. GOD gives us time, he really does, but the time is for us to choose to use it or not. so i have no idea. no idea at all.

see, as the days go by, i notice that i am wasting time on this earth. time and time again, i just don't long to be here. but as the saying goes, there's a reason why i am living here the way i live. hm. poor lil cecillia chang...or chiang or sumthing or other.....poor litto girl. the tender age of egh.....9.....she woulda been 10 today. sighs sighs. there's nothing i can say. being asian and all....being 16 and all.....being the youngest in my family and all.....man.....sighs. i mean. i don't know cecillia. and yeah, maybe she could be another little annoying, pesky little 9 year old....but a kid is still a kid. they are always innocent. they have not got enough experience to fully understand what they have done. so you know what? those that killed her, you can bet your ass that you will pay for what you done. GOD will not allow you to hide forever. even if it may take years to discovered....bet your ass that you will be discovered. there are those out there that have compassion. there are those out there that understand and care. how can you kill a 9 year old. no matter what the crime the family has done, you have made yourself victim of GOD's anger and wrath. i mean, i am not GOD, but GOD does not leave sin to be unpunished. we all take up our own crosses for doing what we have done. so basically, you will pay for what you've done eventually. sighs......gosh darnit....she was ONLY 9!!!!

MURDER IS SUCH A STUPID ACTION....

hm....i still like blogger. no matter where i go i love this. maybe it's cause it was my first and my most original. maybe its cause in these thoughts i have the anger, the sadness, the depression, the unhappy and happiness of all of it here. you can see the way my emotions have changed. you could feel the happiness and you can feel the hatred.....you can feel the passion in my life. maybe that's why i like this blog the most and i wouldn't change it for the world....

meh....reading old songs...listening to old songs. meh...no problems. hm. i don't know what to say. it's amazing how you can write...it's amazing how much talen and skill you have. but then again...it really depends on what you write and the content that is in it. but whteva. me tired now....gotsta sleep now. l8a l8a...

first love
Saigo no kisu wa
Tabako no flavor ga shita
Nigakute setsunai kaori

Ashita no imagoro niwa
Anata wa doki ni irun darou
Dare wo omotterun darou

You are always gonna be my love
Itsuka dareka to mata koi ni ochitemo
I'll remember to love
You taught me how
You are always gonna be the one
Ima wa mada kanashii love song
Atarashii uta utaeru made

Tachidomaru jikan ga
Ugokidasou to shiteru
Wasuretakunai koto bakari

Ashita no imagoro niwa
Watashi wa kitto naiteru
Anata wo omotterun darou

You will always be inside my heart
Itsumo anata dake no basho ga aru kara
I hope that I have a place in your heart too
Now and forever you are still the one
Ima wa mada kanashii love song
Atarashii uta utaeru made

You are always gonna be my love
Itsuka dareka to mata koi ni ochitemo
I'll remember to love
You taught me how
You are always gonna be the one
Mada kanashii love song
Now and forever

first love
the last kiss
tasted like tobacco
a bitter and sad smell
where will you be?
who will you be thinking about?
even if I fall in love with someone once again
I'll remember to love
you taught me how
you are always gonna be the one
it's still a sad song
until I can sing a new song
about to start moving
there's many things that I don't want to forget about
I will probably be crying
I will probably be thinking about you
you will always be inside my heart
I hope that I have a place in your heart too
now and forever you are still the one
it's still a sad song
until I can sing a new song
even if I fall in love with someone once again
I'll remember to love
you taught me how
you are always gonna be the one
it's still a sad song
until I can sing a new song

close to you
Why do birds suddenly appear.
Everytime you are near.
Just like me.
They long to be.
Close to you
Why do stars fall down from the sky.
Everytime you walk by.
Just like me.
They long to be
Close to you.
On the day that you were born.
The angels got together
Adn decided to create a dream come true.
So they sprinkled
Moondust in your hair and golden starlight in your eyes so true
That is why allthe girls in town.
Follow you all around.
just like me
They long to be.
Close to you.
Just like me.
They long to be.

Close to you

hm....can't sleep tonight....too a nap way tooo late....args args.....

hm....should i buy a new bed....i want a loft bed...either that or a bunk......but i've looked...the cheapest one soo far that i found was like 80, and that was like the crappiest material, with like no warrenty for it. and on the other hand. i found this fabulous one for only about 200, so including tax and all close to about 250ish or so cause off all those fees and such. hm....should i or should i not? i mean, i never really had much of a childhood....and now, i want to make up for all that lost time, i know i never will be able to, but i can try as i might. no sighing. i must not sigh.

there is such a major difference as when i'm feeling down and writing thoughts and when i'm feeling happy and writing thoughts. it's weird...

i notice one more thing. in my life time, i have bonded to many people. but bonding with all the wrong reasons until the recent few years. this world isn't all about the wants, but instead of the needs of a person. i have come to accept the fact that some people in your life are those that just come in and maybe leave. but then there are those people that are in your life and created to stay in your life. after leaving highschool, (just thinking about it gives me tears) i will have many memorable times. there are some things that i know i shouldn't have done, and then there are those that i wished i had done......but not regretting that i didn't do anything. i never regret. i don't believe in flaws. well i do....but only one big flaw....and there cannot be another flaw after that. you wanna know what i think the flaw is? here goes. adam and eve were perfect humans. but GOD know they'd fall short of the glory of him, in other words, sin. therefore, every human after adam and eve would never be perfect. so in a sense, we are perfectly flawed. perfect not being always right though, instead perfect because it's the way humans are supposed to be, perfectly flawed. i know my explaination for it is like really bad, but if you know me, you'll know what i mean

hm.....now i just think way too muchie....analyze everything way too muchie. take tooo muchie to my heart. hm. i heart you? hm....i love you? hm....man....some people really shouldn't say i love you unless they mean it. i mean, friends can say it to friends, but only if they truly care for the person. sighs sighs. i hate to be miserable for the rest of my life......but "knowing today's business doesn't mean we'll see the future". chinese expression. keke^^ man. well, my parents said the funniest things about my other good asian friend. keke^^ i told her about it so she wouldn't be offended if i posted it here. well, i was eating some sort of herbal honey stuff, that she totally hates, and on the other hand, i loved. i told my parents this and they were like, "man, how can you people be such good friends? two asians, but one is obviously way chinese, like a total proud canadian born chinese, where as the other asian, is just purely white candian only with asian skin? man, i just don't get it." keke^^ i mean, of course i couldn't really write it down word for word, but isn't that funny if you really think of it? it's true, why do two opposites attract soo well? but on the other hand, my best friend is almost like me in every way but opposite all at the same time....whack....

opposites in this world do always attract. but you see....opposites with no force of acceptance is nothing at all.....will just repell like the same. see, some people hate me cause they don't understand me, but others love me because they just don't. and i see why. others that don't understand me are those that are opposite from me, but they don't want to learn me, but rather accept the fact that i'm different. whereas those that don't like me, they want to know me too well and it confuses them causing a rip in relationship and makes them more mad because they just don't get me.

when people learn to accept the differences, you make sooo many more friends. it's not about the people you know, but the quality of the relationship. it's fun sometimes to get close with someone and feel freaked out about all the similarities or differences at times. but heck, that's the point of relationships....you do all the figuring of each other out before you become romantically involved. plus...only 16....17 in august...so you know what?!?!? it dun matta cause i finally don't care to be singo.....keke^^

you know.....sometimes many people say pop songs couldn't be more far from the truth. but coming to read of the lyrics in "toxic" ...(stupid over played frikin song) this song directly like relates to the way people feel. some people choose to see more but choose to be more reckless and more uncaring of things in the world. this is what happens. it's toxic, it feels soo good and right, but all your doing is harming yourself. and this is what happens when you are with the wrong person at the wrong time. two wrongs don't make a right. love is good and right and pure, but loving something wrong doesn't make it right. now, hating something is bad, but hating something that is wrong isn't right either. i mean, you should stay far far from doing something or seeing whatever is causing that thing to be wrong. but you can't hate it cause well....hate.....is just way tooooo strong of a word....

hm...hate britney spears......songs tooooooo catchy though...stupid tv commercial.....buying new furniture for my new room....you'll see. hm....trust me, i'll open my house to you people in new brown town l8a....

"Toxic"

Baby, can�t you see
I�m calling
A guy like you
Should wear a warning
It�s dangerous
I�m fallin�

There�s no escape
I can�t wait
I need a hit
Baby, give me it
You�re dangerous
I�m lovin� it

Too high
Can�t come down
Losing my head
Spinning �round and �round
Do you feel me now

With a taste of your lips
I�m on a ride
You're toxic I'm slipping under
With a taste of a poison paradise
I�m addicted to you
Don�t you know that you�re toxic
And I love what you do
Don�t you know that you�re toxic

It�s getting late
To give you up
I took a sip
From my devil's cup
Slowly
It�s taking over me

Too high
Can�t come down
It�s in the air
And it�s all around
Can you feel me now

With a taste of your lips
I�m on a ride
You're toxic I'm slipping under
With a taste of a poison paradise
I�m addicted to you
Don�t you know that you�re toxic
And I love what you do
Don�t you know that you�re toxic

Don't you know that you're toxic

[x2]
With a taste of your lips
I'm on a ride
You're toxic I'm slipping under
With a taste of a poison paradise
I'm addicted to you
Don't you know that you're toxic

Intoxicate me now
With your lovin' now
I think I'm ready now
I think I'm ready now
Intoxicate me now
With your lovin' now
I think I'm ready now

args!!! head hurts like hell!why why am i in such pain? args.. i should do more exercise.....sighs sighs..... i should do more exercise....sighs sighs. is there anthing i can do? hm.....gonna go....sighs sighs....

i used to want to learn to not love anyone or anything. but the more i see and think about it, the more i want to love as many people in my life as possible. sighs sighs. but i can't say anthing and hate anyone. well....wantingto love you, but your actions inflict so much pain to my heart. i try and i try, but i find that my trying has becoming like my nature. i can'tmeet you without loving you. i can't get to know you without loving you. i can't sleep not loving you.....not talking about anyone in general. it's just a general statement to everyone. sighs sighs.....

don't want to think, no i'm not taken....don't worry....if i was taken...i woulda told you by now. plus....i am taken....taken in spirit....so yeah. but at the present moment.....i don't care to be single n e more....weird aye? yeah.....weird. people that i've liked before, i no longer like any more. all my friends now, i hold closer and dearer to my heart. there's soo much that people don't know about me. there's soo much that i could tell them. but then to the world, they wouldn't care if i told them or not. but does that all matter if they care or not? they may not care, but then what if they were bored and had the heart to pay atention? well then it's good for me.

yeah girl. i know you rarly ever read this....i know....but i still must say....he still likes you. he's jealous of what he has never got. sighs sighs. maybe it is my fault. unlike common belief, i am not the bringer and causer of all trouble. but instead, i bringthe dark to light, that may be why some people say i'm the causer of trouble.

hm. some people say i act like a guy. hm...maybe that's true. but acting like someone i'm not doesn't mean that i am that way. keke^^ it's funny. i choose to dress the way i do. i don't like to dress very girlly like. it's weird. i'm guyish you can say that. i don't mind. why? cause let's say i stick out of the crowd. keke^^ i have friends. i make people feel comfortable where they are. keke^^ i make people laugh, smile and want to be happy. there are some of those people that just don't understand love. keke^^

but what can i say???

sighs. i'mtoo tire. sighs sighs. well i'm going now.....head hurts toooo muchie...args args.....l8a l8a....

every so often people say i think too much. and that i agree on. but i would rather think than to be idle for life. it's weird. some people take the time and read my thoughts. but i suppose this is just like ajournal to me so that i don't focus too hard. it's my way out of things. SUPRESSING EVERYTHING THAT GOES AROUND MENtally and emotionally sometimes just does work. thta's why some people say i need a shrink cause even expressing to friends doesn't help. but i suppose i understand where they are coming from. hm. sighs sighs.

some people are really nice to me, and some people are really cruel to me. args.....sleeping soon....head is spinning like 20 miles per hour. args args.......

am i stable or unstable? is that for you to judge or not?

hm.....i have no clue. sighs sighs. everyone is going through hard times. it's kinda funny when i come to think of it. when one friend that you keep contact with and is willing to talk to you about their problems, you will be naturally affected. and i suppose that goes for everyone. it's weird that way. i suppose that's what happens when people say you are too understanding. so understanding to the point that you would give the world for their problems would go away. but that is just a very selfish way of looking at it i suppose. hm.... but there are many things that someone doesn't need to say only to observe will let you understand enuff to creat pain at you. but then again.....not many people want to take the time and see the problems

keke^^ learning to cope is the nature of man. you can't survive if you don't allow yourself to accept and adapt. keke^^ one thing that i have learnt from being a friend to many guys and girls is this, it's all about the amount you can accept to be yours. if you do not accept the way a person is, the more dislike will be in the whole relationship. keke^^ so yeah....it's weird that way. i like to keep all my friends close....and my best friends even closer......and the closest being GOD, but my enimies will be in my heart next closest to them. people ask me why i always say i love them when a problem arises. there is a reason behind this. because i see two solutions when you tell someone you love them. they either pull further apart from you, or they return that love back. when i tell you i love you, will you return your love towards me only through mere words or even through actions?

when i say i love you, will you run away and hide?

sighs...love you...miss you.....dream of you.....do i still?

sighs, i don't know what to think anymore....sighs sighs....i'm just reading my old thoughts.....and i come to notice that well....i haven't changed mentally for a long long time....weird...

sighs sighs.....it's just what i think.....and you can care if you like...don't get angry at me because i just think it sounds desparate....

hypnotic and spellbinding. your words mean and are more than just words...

wow....reading my last entry......i think i sound like a preacher's daughter......

i can't say no one reads my pagies, cause then those that do would take offense. so i simply say, rarely does anyone read my page. and if they do, they only read prolly because they have the time. and maybe if so, maybe someone that actually cares read this page and take it to heart that i'm not offended at actions that were done, but rather upset of the emotions that occur after. everything is like shock affect. you don't understand what's happened until you finally accept it and stop denying it's true. it's takes big things like this to like finally understand that. to a few, i'm sorry i sound like a preacher. and to many others, i'm glad that i do. don't hate me because of what i'm not, but if you are to hate me, hate me for what i am.

hm, to the people that have changed alot. my question remains the same, why? why this? but then i come to accept it but hate it. so therefore, it is not complete acceptance because in my heart i still loathe it. i accept the fact that people don't remain the same. as we all grow older, (yes, older, not younger,) sometimes we think that we come to have the responsibility of just having fun. at a certain age, it sinks in that that's not possible. i suppose that's why i have a mind older than my years. my knowledge comes from GOD. i cannot brag of what i've seen, i cannot brag of what i've never faced, i cannot brag of what is not mine to brag about. basically, i cannot brag of anything because nothing is mine to give or take. with freedoms and responsibilities comes consequences. some see consequences as a downpoint in life, but i must say, consequences are always an upper. why you may ask? in my opinion, consequences are never set backs. maybe it's because there is always a reason behind why you didn't do or did do something. maybe that's why there is a consequence. have you ever noticed that when you enjoy something, things go faster. the more you try to understand it, the more confusing things will get. have you ever noticed that? if you say you haven't, you are definately lying to yourself. i'm sure of it.

in the past, as an ignorant fool, i used to say no one deserved my love. now, this statement is still true in my mind, but i have reasonings behind it now. unlike before, i used to say it just because i hated the human kind. everyone in the days of my childhood had treated me so poorly that in return i gave no love because it was the favour i was returning the the world that the world gave me as a youth. but you know, i've come to outgrow that stage. now i see it as this. just because the cycle was viscious to those selected few in childhood, it does not mean you cannot break out of that cycle as a more resposible person. i still see that no one deserves love, but then i see it in the way GOD may see it. LOVE is an almighty force. GOD IS LOVE and therefore, LOVE IS GOD. GOD has the power to destroy and create therefore, LOVE has the power to destroy and create. we love others only because GOD first LOVED us. now i see the full picture. i am no longer completely ignorant. no one as humans besides JESUS deserves our love. as humans we are all sinners. as humans we are just an image of LOVE.

"So GOD created man in his own image,
in the image of GOD he created him;
male and female he created them.

therefore, we are just an image, we have no power to love or hate. but as a human, GOD gave us life because he loved us, he gave us choice. he loved us and knew us long before any human knew we were to exsist. the choice to love or hate so basically in return, GOD only gave us ultimate power as being ourselves, in control of ourselves, GOD gave us power over ourselves. in return, human has been corrupted by the things of this world. humans have been corrupted to fall short of the glory of GOD. falling short of the glory of GOD is inevitable, but how to try to come close to GOD is the full picture. therefore, if you even want to love yourself, you must first love GOD. by loving GOD, you will eventually find it in your heart that you have more power to control your actions. there will be more patience and such if you LOVE GOD. if the creator himself who is LOVE can LOVE what he created, we should also love what HE has created.

now i leave with a mission questions for you to answer as a mission statement in you heart, will you love, or shall you hate? shall you loathe the unworthiness of mankind or shall you invite shortcomings and see what the LORD has for you in store? HE has great things for you to do here, but it begins by loving, so will you love because GOD first loved you?

yeah, rarely does anyone go to my pagie anyways. keke^^ does it really matter though? nah, it doesn't. hm. feeling sick to my stomache....i think i know why now, cough syrup gives me stomache pains. oh wellz. hm. i was going to write a poem entitled the scum beneath my shoe but in my rage, i cannot form sentences that work. in my rage, i'm in despair. what has the world come to? why am i the one to feel such pain? why am i the one that no one cares to think about? why am i the one that args...

so i see, my word isn't good enough for others. hm. if you don't trust my word, you trust nothing of me. yeah, betrayal of the simplest form. args. at times, you question why i grow angry at you, but you never come to question what you've done to me. args args. you ditched me, abondoned me in a corner, threw me away, and when i express my anger to you, you're like "oh, i'm sorry that i did that, what can we do to fix that?" but the sad part is, you had no intention of fixing it to begin with. you are a liar; a fulfledged liar. args. i am a hypocrite, this i know, but at least i know and i try to be as unhypocritical as possible. args args. all the medicine that i had is like now going to my brain. sighs sighs. and so, i see that in my anger, all i have to see is myself alone again. in my anger i see that the number one person in anyone's life is themselves. bitter anger comes harsh realities. but i suppose i've seen enuff this time to not be shocked of what is to follow.

in my sickened state, my mom only complains to me about how weak my body is. she complains to me saying how my immune system has the weakest of protection. she complains saying that i am immune to nothing. she complains that the simplest of cold winds can get me sick. is it my fault that my immune system isn't like her's at all? is it my fault that i will grew up in this generation instead of hers? is it my fault? is it my fault?!?! why does everything always come back to bite my ass?!?!? args. and then when i come to think about it, i become mad. as a kid, she had always put responsibility on me. this i know because she had always treated me the way she treats me now. young, but old, responsible, but irresponsible, i will always be her youngest one. i have come to accept that. but what i do not come to accept is her complaining about me. yes, i know i am imperfect but i can't help that. is it my fault that as a kid she trust me to drink my water, but never forced me to? was it my fault that you had a kid that has weak bones because she is lactose intolerant and puked every time she drank milk? is it my fault? is it my fault that GOD himself allowed me to become the way i was? why is this woman, whom i call my mother complaning so much? i don't understand her logic. is there even logic behind her words? is it in her frustration that words she so means to say all this time finally coming out? is it my fault that humans remain humans and imperfect? args.

my heart goes out to those that feel the way i do at the present moment. but i must say i do not know how i feel at the present moment. i suppose i'm pain stricken at someone's pain that they do not feel. sighs sighs. why do i always heppen to feel this way? it's sooo weird. hm. i know at the present moment if one of the people i scorn reads this.....he will laugh his pants off. he'll be laughing at my idiodicy. hm...laugh all you want. laugh. sighs sighs. my humaity is GOD given. my humanity is still sinful; full of lust. sighs. if you laugh at my humanity, then you shall laugh at all mankind. you shall even be laughing at yourself. and above all, you will be laughing at GOD. sighs sighs. yeah, i've come to christ. and my faith remains. and as i say again. your actions will be judged in heaven. you have not repented what you've done. sighs sighs. i will not say i shall not care. i instead say, i will care as much as i possibly can.

i will allow you to laugh and scorn me. and even if i don't allow you to laugh at me, go ahead and laugh. i will endure your torment. i will endure the pain you cause me and the pain you feel for yourself. i am who i am. i and superficial as like everyone else. but there IS more than just skin deep. sighs sighs....

for all those that i've known in my life......and i may still say i hate you now...but the truth is.....

i've forgiven you
(not that you think you need my fogiveness)
....and

I LOVE YOU

sighs...people like me get used in life. this i know. sighs sighs. but if i get hurt being who i am....i won't be ashamed. sighs sighs. what the hell is happening to those i knew in my youth? what the hell? sighs....maybe one of these days i will skip skool just to see it for myself to see what happened....sighs sighs. but why would i want to sink to such a low level. sighs sighs. i can't believe this. sighs sighs. good people in thise world get hurt....

did i commit the unforgiveable crime?

okay...this entry is to my ex....not that he bothers to read this. sighs sighs.

there were many nights when i questioned what i did wrong. and now, at the present moment i still don't understand what i did wrong. sighs sighs. by tonight at 5:14ish or so....it will be a year and a month that we separated. tomorrow will be your birthday, HAPPY BIRTHDAY. but it's not like you remember when my birthday is. sighs sighs. i want to ask what happened to you. did i mess up your life or are you just enjoying the way you are treating those who "knew" you before. i don't even know anymore if i should post this though of mine or not. sighs sighs. is what i'm hearing true...sighs. reality is darned harsh some times. you've moved on and remained that happy guy i've known before, but you seem bitter. sighs sighs. i don't think i shall post this...

sighs sighs.

a brilliant poet is a combination of things. a brilliant poet contains the following characters:
1) the eloquence of words
2) the emotion of no emotion or all emotion at the same time
3) a way of decifering the right, wrong and everything in between
4) has the realization of harsh reality or is in deep fantasy
5) the ability to form an image that in other words means to be artistic....

hm....sighs sighs...i feel soo sick...it's not even funny. args oh wells

after reading another book, i learnt a new lesson, now it will be my struggle to learn to apply it. the lesson goes like this. it's not about the big problems that arise, it's about the small things that led up to it. it's the small things about life that make it worthwhile.

sometimes in periods of our lives, it's not what we know that makes the difference, but it's the emotions that we feel because of what is happening in our lives.

simple and clean is the way that your making me feel tonight....

args args......i'm sooo mad!!!! args args!!!! i have no clue why....but i'm furious....pms?!?! hm......prolly not...sighs sighs. too personal?!?! sure why not?!?! but these are my thoughts ain't it? hm....yeah, i just noticed dat in my life, i don't have many friends. i mean, many people are able to talk to me, but not all of them are my friends. many think i'm nice and they know what i try to do anything to help them.....and some of those many use me for my kindness. sighs sighs. i'm upset. i sure am. but heck...what can i do about it. i could be less kind, but i don't like to be unkind.

args args....fricker...soo darnded upset...args args....don't know why...sighs sighs....get me out of this bloody foul mood. hm...you know what? i don't know what....args args....been sooo isolated..args args...fricker..pissed...grrrrr....

poem analysis ain't my specialty

sighs sighs....i'm stuck at home...fricker...args args....man....now shall i do something stupid or just sit around at home and like mope around like a loser....args args.....

args.....fricker...i'm stuck at home...fricker....args args...this is fricken evil.....args....oh wellz...i'll just get my daddy to drive me to like sq1 i suppose...args args....evil evil...fricker.....fucker fucker fucker.....oh wellz...it's not her fault that she passed out....sighs sighs....just mad because i really wanna do something today....but i suppose i ain't....so yeah...args args......

You are one of the few out there whose wings are
truly ANGELIC. Selfless, powerful, and
divine, you are one blessed with a certain
cosmic grace. You are unequalled in
peacefulness, love, and beauty. As a Being of
Light your wings are massive and a soft white
or silver. Countless feathers grace them and
radiate the light within you for all the world
to see. You are a defender, protector, and
caretaker. Comforter of the weak and forgiver
of the wrong, chances are you are taken
advantage of once in awhile, maybe quite often.
But your innocence and wisdom sees the good in
everyone and so this mistreatment does not make
you colder. Merciful to the extreme, you will
try to help misguided souls find themselves and
peace. However not all Angelics allow
themselves to be gotten the better of - the
Seraphim for example will be driven to fighting
for the sake of Justice and protection of those
less powerful. Congratulations - and don't ever
change - the world needs more people like you.


*~*~*Claim Your Wings - Pics and Long Answers*~*~*
brought to you by Quizilla

You're Element is Flame. You have a strong,
independant, fiery personality and you
obviously don't let other's push you around.
You like being in charge and don't care what
other people think. In fact, you like to stand
out and be yourself. You're probably shy when
people first meet you but your a ball of energy
that could explode at any given moment. You
like to laugh and whether you admit it or not,
you like to fight. You're peronality that is
wild and untamable. You're beauty is physically
fit and a little sexy and you have a very
pretty face.


What's Your Element(girls)? (PICTURES)
brought to you by Quizilla

You are a human shadow. If a loved one needs you,
you are always right at his or her heels! Your
deep social connection with human beings
produces your qualities of genuine caring and
charisma. However, at times you are naive to
the true nature of your loved ones. Remember
that humans' gift of free will does not always
lead them in wise directions. But your essence
of love and friendship represent the other
precious gifts of humanity. Overall you are a
strikingly valuable and innocent being who has
a lot to give.(please rate my quiz cuz it took
me for freaking ever to create)


What Kind of Shadow Are You? (with gorgeous pics)
brought to you by Quizilla

sighs, i'm upset. i feel sooo stupid, it feels as if the teacher is even laughing at my stupidity. and it just doesn't feel good. sighs. the teacher thinks i didn't do my work. sighs sighs. i don't know what i can do. sighs sighs. i don't know what i shall do. i am sooo upset. sighs sighs.

things are going downhill. but what can i say?? sighs sighs.

i feel like dropping out of school. i'm in highskool and i already have feel like this?!?!? that's sooo wrong. args args......gonna do hmwk now....l8z

Advanced Big 30 Personality Test Results Sociability ||||||||||||||||||||| 70% Aggressiveness |||||||||||||||||| 58% Assertiveness ||||||||||||||| 42% Activity Level ||||||||||||||| 46% Excitement-Seeking |||||||||||||||||| 58% Enthusiasm ||||||||||||||||||||| 70% Extroversion |||||||||||||||||| 57% Trust |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78% Morality ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Altruism |||||||||||||||||||||||||||| 82% Cooperation ||||||||||||||| 50% Modesty |||||||||||||||||| 58% Sympathy |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78% Friendliness ||||||||||||||||||||| 68% Confidence |||||||||||||||||| 58% Neatness ||||||||||||||| 42% Dutifulness |||||||||||||||||||||||| 78% Achievement ||||||||||||||| 50% Self-Discipline ||||||||||||||| 50% Cautiousness |||||||||||||||||| 54% Orderliness |||||||||||||||||| 55% Anxiety |||||||||||||||||| 58% Volatility |||||||||||||||||| 58% Depression ||||||||||||||| 46% Self-Consciousness |||||||||||||||||| 58% Impulsiveness ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Vulnerability |||||||||||||||||| 58% Emotional Stability ||||||||||||||| 44% Imagination ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Artistic Interests ||||||||||||||| 46% Introspection ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Adventurousness ||||||||||||||||||||| 62% Intellect ||||||||||||||| 50% Liberalism ||||||||||||||| 46% Openmindedness |||||||||||||||||| 54%

Take Free Advanced Big 30 Personality Test.

sighs. there are times in everyone's life when we simply don't want to go anywhere or do anything. there are those times when we push ourselves too much or tooo little. there are times when we ourselves punish ourselves for nothing or everything, or maybe even just a little something. second chances are not for you to want. second chances are for you to accept and then recieve with peace. the fact is, day in and day out is already a second chance. you just ain't allowing yourself to take the chance and use it for the highest potential.....

sighs sighs....i'm sooo touched. you have soo much faith in me. i will help you whenever i can and whatever i can. a a human, there is just too much that i cannot do. but as a human created by GOD, i am capable of worrying for and with you, crying for and with you, and helping you.

i am for suer that you will be happy. but happiness is only a state of mind. if you truly wish to be happy, you will make it your goal and aim to be. what you do not accept now you will never accept. you must learn to accept the pressent so that you will be able to accept what is to come. i can't tell you not to regret. GOD did once regret. he regretted making man. he destroyed every family accept one....noah's.....even in times when there seems to be no hope in the world....GOD never truly gave up....he found one family worthy enough.....now...will you find the ONE who is worthy enough of all your troubles?

everyone who knosw you as someone would be concerned with and/or for you. i once had a class that made me feel unworthy of anything. it made me depressed and that class always made me cry every afternoon i went home. but the fact is, if you never just see things for the way they are, it hurts. pain is ever present, but the only thing we can do is to minimize it or maximize it. thinking is a good thing, but too much of a good thing is always bad. it's not thinking about something, you are dwelling in something. you are simply living your life in a way you don't want to. you don't want me to bother you in your problems, but i really can't help it. I REALLY LOVE YOU. i may not know the way you feel presently, but i know how it does feel.

sighs. burdens are not for you to carry. that's what GOD died on the cross for. everyone has problems of themselves. sighs sighs. if you simply try to forget something, the fact is, it comes back harder and harder every time. it hurts more and more. it's a wound which you are adding salt to day after day. simply, you must see that you have a cut and do whatever is possible in your power to help it heal. by trying to forget what has happened only makes you hurt more. before you are able to smile, you must accept things for the way they are, not what was. you must accept that things happen for a reason. pain hurts i know, and you have heard my words over and over again, but i hate seeing you like this. i hate seeing anyone like this. and yet, everyone in my life including myself is falling in a pit. but heck.....if you are to fall......drag some other people with you......then in that case, you may learn better ways of helping each other.

everyone's had financial difficulties before. it is for you to worry, but then again, it's not really. you job at the present moment is to support your family with all the love you can. cherish every glance you may have. cherish every moment that you don't have them. cherish every moment you do have with them. if you never feel this pain and burden, you will never learn to become grateful for what you can have.

i must say that marks are very important. but in terms of education, it's better to see your future and where you want to go. i'm not going to give you a lecture on your responsibility as a student, but the fact is.....you already noe. fear is what hinders you from reaching your full potential. but also at the same time, fear is what helps you reach your goal. fear is for you to use. if you just wollow and allow your pain and fear conquer you, then you will stay in that present spot. afraid and in a dark spot.

drifting away from GOD is normal. but if you know you have drifted that means you have known that you were once close. church life should be a routine. you should be living in that GODLY routine every day of your life. faith should be demonstrated in everything you do. sincerity and trust come hand in hand in my opinion. you are loosing your sincerity, does that mean you are loosing trust in everything, everyone, GOD, SATAN and YOURSELF?!

if you never have a dream, then where would any of us be now?

egh......is it just me or something is wrong with blogger?!?!? why can't i see my blogg?!?!?! what the heck?!?!?!