hm....so....blogger didn't change....it wuz just my skool pc. ew!!!! well whateva...

meh have nothing to talk to....meh soo bored...sighs sighs...

hm.....so.....i suppose blogger changed dere format again. and it's even more ewwww den ever before!!! i liked dat two panel thingy!!!! oh wellz...whateva. betta den having nothing to begin with...

hehehe=>:D:P ew....my lip's bleeding....ewww!!! oh wellz...whateva. hehehe=>:D:p hm. i'm bored. i'm tired, yeah, i'm in class, da teacher gave meh free time. man, i gotsta get a lyphe, but i didn't feel like roaming the skool. my skools' not too big to begin with. oh wellz. eww....blogger really looks bad now....oh wellz....meh going...l8a....

time an time again, years and years later, months and months afta, you continue to drive that dagger right through my heart. sighs. yeah, maybe we've offended you, but have you ever thought of it that you've offended us too?

sighs. yeah, i'm not a player, and relationships mean more to meh than you'd ever think. yeah, i know i have a horrible relationship with my parents, and i know, it's entirely my fault. i just don't know how to communicate with my parents. yes, we can talk about skools, we can talk about clothes, we can talk about money, we can talk about GOD. but we can never talk about us. hm. i suppose i should sleep soon, i'm soo angry at this present moment that tears are starting to form in my eyes. arg. crying endlessly. not for sumone dead either, for someone who's alive, but dead to meh now.

when you die, i prolly won't go to ur funeral. not that i don't wanna pay a dead person my last respects, but really, i don't think i could handle it. i think i'd go insane. i snap at the smallest of things, not intentionally, but yeah, i still snap n e ways.

yeah, i'm softhearted you say, some may say i'm cold because i'm able to hate. sighs sighs. it's in our nature to be angry and hate. sighs. anger is what drives emotions to hate. i can't say i wanna hate, but i can't say dat i don't wanna. sighs sighs. i'd say i want you to go to hell, but i know deep down inside, i'd rather have you all in one peice in heaven n e day.

u wan my respect, u have always had my respect, always. remember this, it's you that always goes and yell at me first, i just sit ther and listen and think about what you said. u think i'm stupid. u think i don't think. u think i'm just a stupid lil gurl, but in the same way, i can say the same thing about you. not that you would care much of n e. people say i take things too seriously, den i'm going to say it to you, u should just let go, it's not our faults that we can't make it to a certain place, or dat we said we would go and told you we couldn't afterwards. it's not our fault.

u think i haven't changed, yeah, look again. not with ur eyes, not with ur heart, but see with ur mind. dig into ur memory of the person i was, yeah, u never accpeted meh then, so no matter how much i changed now, u still will never accept meh.

it's not my problem dat all you want is change. it's not my problem that you think ur right and everyone else is wrong. it's not my problem dat i'm sabina not da sabina person dat you want meh to be.

sighs, i ain't thoughtless right now, i'm just not veyr much in a mood to talk about what i feel at the present moment. al i can say is dis, if you were to talk to meh on msn, and you have msn6, den you'd see dat my display pic is a crying angel. if you found that image on line, u'd notice that that angel has never ending tears, they run over and over till your pc stops or sumthing. at the present moment, that's how i am, not on the outside, but on the inside, my heart weeps beyond.

i can't say dis is da time i've cried da most, because at a time in my lyphe, da tears in my heart choked meh, and i really cried endless tears. whatever the case maybe, maybe it was my fault, but if you don't accept my apologies, and ur just holding a grudge, den maybe u should see that there's more to lyphe. u think ur sooo smart, u think ur sooo right, is it my fault that you have an ego problem? man, lower urself. treat urself how you treat others. maybe then you'd see that you ain't perfect either. man. u yell at meh thinking ur all high and mighty, but really, who gives you that authority. if you ask for respect, you don't know what it is because you obviously don't show much to other people's feelings. unless the fact is that you have no feelings so you don't feel how much u damage people, den i would find no better explaination for it.

time and time again, for the past two weeks, i have been expressing my anger about the same person over and over again. it does get kinda sickening. i can't help it. if someone could just once again come and sweep meh off my feet, maybe i'd feel nothing at all again. maybe i'd learn to not care. mabye i'd just grow cold from things that i don't want to happen to meh. hahaha=.:D:P i don't know.

i thought i was dead, but maybe i'm being shown a sign that i ain't dead. dead people can't even feel hatred. dead people can't feel love. dead people can't feel. so basically, i'm not dead, just somewhat only half alive, like a vegetable person. in a sense, only mentally, because physically, i am definately moving. sighs sighs....

if everyone would just get off their high horses and see the ground on their own two feet, wouldn't u think that it could just be a little better. hahaha=>:D my teacher says dat it like hurt dat she was soooo rejected as a little kid. haha=>:D:P but the thing is, she's only been rejected for like 5 weeks, and she said that caused her alot of pain. hahhaa=>:D:P she wonders how people live past that rejection. hahaha=>:D:P the key to living in an environment filled with rejection is to never reject the person you are. yeah, it comes from first hand experience. hahaha=>:D:P oh wellz. hm.

men, i can say are kinda weaker, but in some sense, no, dey are stronger. here we go. girls are just sensitive, sensitivity don't make someone weaker or stronger. there are a few things that the sensitive should learn from the not so sensitive and the not so sensitive should learn from the sensitive. guyz have an easier time and less guilt to not care. hey, not that gurls dun have dat ability, just that most gurls either naturally don't care, or they hurt too much not to care. hahaha=>:D:P if you know meh, u'll know which i am. i don't believe that there is a level where no one cares. simply by saying that you don't care, it's already telling others that you give a damn just a bit. it's just dat u wanna keep face, so then well....because u want dat image, u just say dat u dun care, knowing deep down inside you somewhere, there is a part that still cares just that lil weee bit. hahaha=>:D:P

humans like to keep dignity no matta what da cost. hahaha=>:D:P by simply just saying a comment under breath is keeping face....at least to urself in da least bit. no one likes to be proven wrong. hahaha=>:d in a sense, every bit of my thoughts are always wrong, but well, dere are every bits and parts that maybe sometimes people could learn to be a bit diff from meh. hahaha=>:D:P

no, i'm not special, winston, u were right. but in every bit, i'm still sabina, and each and every atom in meh is different in some way. hahaha=>:D:P if no one was to stand out in a crowd, den why are dere different faces, different features, different height, different weight, different ethnicity groups. hahaha=>:D:P at FIRST GOD created us to be all the same, but because problems started to occur, he made everyone speak diff languages and different cultures aroused. hahaha=>:D:P each and every part of meh is still bitter at you, but hm.....at the present moment, i don't wanna say i don't care, but i really can't say i care a whole lot.

there are better things then to worry about things that other people have done towards meh. when people feel like apologizing, maybe at that time, i'm already too far gone. the sun is already on the other side. no light has shined through, nothing can penetrate the high wall i wall myself up in. hahaha=>:D:P i used to be that person, but i no longer want to be that way, not that you even care a bit. my friends are those that don't throw spasms at meh because their pissed, but simply tell meh wuz wrong so i'll just sit and listen. obviously, u haven't learnt human curtesy. man, the world lacks manors sometimes. but oh wellz.

yeah, love and sorry are words dat i really don't wanna hear or say. but time and time again, i fail to not say them. i make mistakes, and by trying not to say em, it means dat i think i'm tooo perfect that my faults are even above a simple apology. love, that word makes me sick, but you know, it's not a term i use lightly. obviously people had no clue. oh wellz....

sighs sighs.....i miss you tons. hm....it woulda been 11 months by now. oh wellz. it wasn't meant to be. hahaha=>:D:P i suppose this is the first time i've actually felt dissappointment. haha=>:D:P maybe pat, ur right in a sense that in a snese it would feel nice to have a gurl love you soo much no matter the faults you do.....but it's also makes you pity urself because u feel as if you don't deserve that feeling...

i'm being sexist, but in this world, it was GOD who even created man first, doesn't that tell you something. yeah, government is wrong when they say that the bible needs to be updated, it's acutally that people haveta become familiar with it. man, our politicians are supposedly christian, what da heck are they thinking? yeah, that tells you alot dun it? dat da people in da world ain't dat great no matta what dey claim to be.

i can't say dat i haven't ever thought of becoming a homosexual, i have no prejudice against the people that are homosexual, i have a problem that they are committing acts of homosexuality. just becuase the government says it's right, does it mean that it is? yeah, think of this, if this world became totally homosexual, where would the babies come from? where would those homosexuals adopt from? yeah, the answer is dat dere would never be. hey, homosexuality is sumthing of the bible too you noe, man, why do people only choose bits and parts of the bible to read. yeah, one of da laws of lyphe, people only hear what they wanna hear, and guess what? dat's sooo true!!! unless you are willing to listening to what others have to say, you won't listen and won't care. hehehe=>:D:P

i can tell you one thing, and that is, i don't listen well. i just can't help it. but oh wellz. i can tell you that i miss him alot. and dat him noes who he is, but he's never done n e thing wrong to meh, i'm just bitter that he left meh in the cold, unknowing that it wuz coming, unknowing and throwing myself all into sumthing that i had no clue wuz gonna break n e moment....

time and time again, i still say that guys still have da better part of lyphe. hahaha=>:D:P i may be wrong, but i don't think dat i am wrong at dis present moment.....

skool's becoming hecktic again. arg! annoying piece of crap, but oh wellz, at least it gives meh a balanced way to have a scheduled lyphe. yeah, i'm one of dose people dat well, hate to go with the flow, is rebellious, but needs dat kinda discipline in lyphe. yeah. u may say dat a schedule ain't like n e thing special. but really, to meh, it is more den just what it seems to be.

i procrastinate in doing my hmwk till six, and at six i'll start doing my english. afta my english, i'll like study chem. afta dat.....i either take a shower or watch sum tv. so derefore, i don't do much hmwk to begin with. it's not six yet....i'll start soon. i'm feeling kinda crappy, in da sense dat i'm getting sick again. hahaha=>:d oh wellz. u enjoy da rest of ur day. when i have more thoughts, dun wollie. i'll say em eitha way. hahaha=>:D:P

u wanna become a child again. thinking about what u used to have. hahaha=>:d was da past so easy? i don't know. da past was neva too easy for meh, but den again, i've aged beyond my years and never really had much lyphe as a child. yet at the same time, i don't have much of a lyphe at this present moment. hm....well whateva. hm. i'm tired. i'm sick....gotsta do hmw....l8a...

hahaha=>:d everyone in this world is sooo selfcentered. it's all about the "my style", "my language", "i want", "i need". no one cares about you n e more? is dat what ur trying to say when u want everything for urself? haha=>:d u noe what i'm just tempted to do? i'm prepared to loose everything at this present moment. maybe den, i'd learn to cherish everything that i have and what i don't have, and then people could see something that they never saw.

yeah, i just wanna be with you, but in the same sense, it was never to be, october 26, it's in about or less then a month by now, it wouldda been a year. don't ask meh why i rememba dat day, but just noe dat u were sumthing to me. hahaha=>:d i don't really bother to what used to be, just know dat it still hurts, but hahaha=>:d da funnay part, u still put smiles on my face, u still light up my world. hahaha=>:D i don't want you bak, because i'd just haveta say no, and yet, i know i'd prolly say yes. sighs sighs. change ain't bad. hahaha=>:d i've been enuff places to know what to do and what i shouldn't do. hahha=>:D dere are enuff mistakes dat we shouldn't need to take history, but yet we still need to because we have no option but to. arg....i would neva be able to go into waterloo...arg! no fair. sighs sighs. but my university will still haveta be like mac. even though outta all universities dat i have been, mac is still my fave.

all you out there, i want you to know one thing.....i'm not a happier person. i'm not more upset. i'm just a person that has nothing good ahead, but everything ahead of her. i'm just a person that's living day to day, while planning ahead because i can only live ahead. hahha=>:D i'm not living n e more, but i'm not dead. i don't smile much n e more.

can you remember the time when i smiled even at nothing? hahhaha=>:D u noe what? i think i'll die as a psychopath. can you remember the time when i got soo mad that i started pulling out my hair? i don't think i've ever become so mad while people were arond me. hahaha=>:d the time when i start pulling out my hair while my friends or people are around meh will be the time that i've lost all my brains. sighs sighs.....

haven't u heard dat i'd be okay? hahaha=>:d u can act tuff if you wanna, but i'm alritez. hahahaha=>:d nothing ever changes, nothing in lyphe doesn't go in a cycle. hahaha=>:d everyone just wants to improve, but while everything else inproves, what is happening to mankind? hahaha=>:D:P

what a question, not that many people care, but what is happening to mankind? hahhaa=>:d think about it.....what happened when GOD got angry? he's always forgiving, and he always saves his children from harm, but listen up, ur choices are what u choose to do, he gave you that power. hahhaa=>:d He gave ADAM AND EVE the choice to eat that apple, knowing that they would, but he just wanted to see if dey could resist. hahaha=>:d i sound like a preacher. hahaha=>:D:P ur choice can destroy but yet it can build whatever it chooses to do. it ur choice to do or not do.

nothing in lyphe is simple, but it's just as simple as the choice rite ahead. notice, everything is the choice ahead. u never say the choice behind, just because u can't do n e thing to what already happened. hahahah=>:D:P sooo funnay ma? hahah=>:D:P

muhahaha=>:d i haven't like wrote soo much bs since da summa. hahhaa=>:D soo funnay...hahhaa=>:D:P

u noe what? i haven't changed, yeah, u got a problem with sensitivity? den go kiss my ass. i'm not gonna be like da rest of da world, uncaring and all cold as ice. yeah, just kiss my bum bum. hahaha=>:d

hahhaa=.:d i've generalized da world, sollie, i didn't mean to say dat. hahaha=>:D in a sense, maybe i did mean everything thta i said, but maybe i don't.

hahhaa=>:d confusing? not really....u noe meh well enuff. hgahahah=> just becuase u can't be perfect done mean dat things can't last forever. just because u just wanna change sumone don't mean dat u should. hahhaa=>:d what? do you hate me because i'm sooo opinionated? do you hate meh because i'm n ot perfect? do you hate me because it's too late to change the past? do you hate meh because u just don't wanna like me? whateva ur reason is, i should care, but rite now, if ur hurting meh, den i'll just turn my bak on ya. gahahaha=>:d

u think i don't understand. hahaha=>:d u think dat ur sooo special, but really, u can't be....nor can i, no one can, so why do you try so hard? hahaha=>:D we can't go bak to da way we used to be, we just can't.

after so long, u haven't changed a bit, and maybe i have, and maybe i haven't. hahhaa=>:d but i don't really care, all i know is dat i love much more, i find satisfaction more now, i enjoy more, or at least, whenever i try hard enuff to enjoy. if you never try to see the good things in lyphe, u just won't. hahhaa=>:d stop living in ur unhappy lil bubble. u noe what u see ain't da rite reason, and ur just living simply because u don't wanna die. hahaha=>:d wuz wrong with this pic? hahhaa=>:d yeah, many people say, if you can't enjoy n e thing, wuz da meaning in lyphe. hahhaa=>:d in da same sense, i ask you the same q, but this time....noe dis, i don't want you dead, i'm a christian...yeah yeah....wanna save ur soul or whateva. hahaha=>:d

but i honestly care for the person you are. hahaha=>:d yeah, body, spirit, mind, i think u've all heard it enuff to get sick of hearing it again, but here goes, dere all interconnected!!! when ur body is hurt, ur mind is injured, and if ur mind is injured, ur spirit is scared. hahhaa=>:D scars can dissappear.

yeah, i harbour all those feelings that mean alot to me, but every now and then, my outburst of emotion is soo unpredicted. hahaha=>:d anger, anger, anger....i have been angry all my lyphe, asing the same questions as to why, and where did dat come from, and why did fate choose me. yeah....i'm christian don't get meh wrong, but i'm not a very good one at dat. hahaha=>:D:P

yeah, go ahead and judge, i'm being honest with myself, i will hide behind the image of a perfect christian gurl, even though i wish my faith was stronger. yeah, i believe that GOD will always deliver meh, but at the same time, maybe it's just too listtle to believe sometimes. hahaha=>:D:P

all my lyphe, i have asked the question why? and no matter what i think, i have not gotten my answer, no answer, but yet, in silence, all answers are present. hahaha=>:d i still say i'm everything you don't wanna be, and dat's why u despise meh so much. or maybe in fact, because i just remind you too much of people that you met, maybe even that i remind you soo much of the way you used to be. hahaha=>:D:P

i don't care. no matter what.....i noe i'm not all rite. maybe i brought on ur anger like i bring on all trouble in my lyphe. hahaha=>:d i noe what you mean, u may think i'm just being stupid, and dat maybe i am stupid....but in truth, it's dat i think and i care, that in a sense, gives meh an imange that i don't think. hahha=>:d a chaotic kinda truth. hahaha=>:D:P

my philosophies suck, not that they aren't right, but they suck, only reason because i draw every single one along the way of earth. hahaha=>:d yet, i am a christian, should i not be more christianly? yet, all my lyphe, i've been christian, or at least....i have known GOD all my lyphe, but i have nothing but words to grasp at. sighs sighs.

u noe dat feeling of love at first sight? yeah, u prolly dun believe it. hahaha=>:d but yet at the same time, i can say i've lied....because i do believe in love at first sight. not sight as in what the eyes see of physical attributes, but sight as in sight of what you see in the person. hahaha=>:d maybe i'm a sucker for fairy princess endings. hahaha=>:d but da truth is, it's not what who needs what, but what you can handle. hahahhaa=>:D:P

there's a place for me. there's still faith. there is always still hope. the smallest amount of faith plus hope can move the biggest of mountains, so do you have faith and hope in me? do you not believe that i can do it?

did you believe that it wouldn't matter? did you believe that nothing would work out? did you not even want to try? was it my fault? anger, anger, anger, it's all i have rite now. hate, hate hate, it's the way i don't wanna be. but i get angry easily, i get disappointed, i hope too much, i trust to easily. yeah, u hate me because i'm everything you don't wanna be. u hate me because i'm everything u can't handle. i'm everything the way you cannot control. hahaha=>:d i know why i love you as a friend, even though i harbou hate and anger at the present moment, u have already forgotten meh, and meh, i will never no matter how long my hate may last. hahaha=>:d i cut my hair hoping that it would change the way i look at lyphe, but i know this too is meaningless. meaningless, meaningless, there is nothing new under the sun. hahaha=>:d how familiar i am with that passage. hahaha=>:d i am just like everyone else, nothing special, but all special and unique at the same time.

what right did you have to yell at meh? i harbour hate, an unseen, and unheard of hate. unheard, being the meaning because i do not talk.....i hate because i am capable, not because it's right. i am supposed to forgive all, but yet, every scar i have is a thing that i do not forget even if i forgive. hahaha=>:D

i'm just that little gurl fighting the signs of growing older, i'm just that little gurl holding on to too much. i'm just a little gurl that's lost and confused in a world where it's full of confusion. hahaha=>:d yeah, u wanna hoook up with people, yeah, up to you. yeah, u wanna stay single because you don't wanna get hurt, or u dun wanna sacrifice n e thing in ur lyphe, yeah, good for you....selfish bum! oh wells. whateva. whateva u choose is ur choice, and i will not persuade you, why? becuase i noe i'd go insane if someone tried to persaude meh into sumthing i don't wanna do. hahaha=>:D

got tons of hmwk. sigha sigh. haven't worked on ne of it. i think i need to start. sighs sighs. i went to downtown two days in a row. hehehe=>:d and i say, this day wuz much more successful den da very first day. not dat i learnt much more about n e university, but because well......at least i didn't get mad. hm. maybe i'm just a lil child dat doesn't like to be ditched, but now to think about it, i wuz mad for like a stupid reason. yeah, i hold grudges. i really do. i will remember everything for a lifetime and be angry for as long as i want. yeah, anger ain't good for da soul. i noe it ain't. muhahaha=>:d ate a mama burger today. hehehe=>:D u'd think i'm stupid for saying that, hey, i didn't use a single cent today while in downtown. ain't dat amazing? soooo amazing. muhahaha=>:d i'm as tired as hell, but i have way tooo much work to even bother not doing it. hm. i miss you people. well i always miss everyone. it's the truth when i say i love you. hm. yeah, words, i take bak my words often, but well as i think about it.....anger like makes everyone insane does it not? oh yeah, it's crappy, i think i need more excercise, i ain't too healthy yo. sighs sighs. all dat walking, and my heart still pumps like super fast.....well a bit above the average for my age at least. hm...let's see.....i can't even remember.....all i counted wuz like let's see......64 to 66 beats per minute.....sooo bad......almost every 3/4 of a second, my hear would beat once. arg.....i'm soo unhealthy. well i'm gonna go now.....to finish my hwmk. i hope u people'll read my blogger and talk to meh soon....well i'm going now...l8a....

okayz okayz.....i feeling kinda pathetic today. hm. i'm one lil wacky child. hm....

i'm tired, sighs sighs. hm.... will someone help meh outta feeling like dis?

hm.....i'm just a child in need, my complaines, always complaining, but not dat i wanna. i just feel dis way. yeah....most of ya people just want meh to like move on and like say.....go away, stop being like dis. yeah yeah, whateva. but whateva. i feel good. feeling kinda sick now.....i think i ate too much meat tonite....cause i normally don't like eat sooo much meat. whack.

hm...i feel sick because of many things. hm....well i'm going to sleep soon. and i hope to tlak to each and everyone of ya. so yeah....well love ya people....l8z....

hm....not many thoughts today. but i still think a whole lot. sooo funnay. hehehehe=>:D:P

i don't know. hm. i've been quite blank, except when i'm like knitting. hehehe=>:D it's all kool. well i haveta go now. so yeah....i have 50 nomenclature q still to do and like 50 more balancing q's.....soo evil.....

really easy...just a whole load of crap. well meh going now. l8z

sooo sick today. have major case of like stomach paines. arg!!!!! sooooo evil!!! i think i'll sleep early tonite la. since i don't have much hmwk n e ways. so yeah yeah. it's all kool. hehehehe=>:D

da pain, da pain. arg!!! feeling sooo sick. hm. gonna go to sleep soon. so yeah. l8a people. i'm gonna finish studying asap....

hm....people think i'm weird, maybe i am.

hm....i'm studying for my english test tom. and one of dose things is to know like da archetypes of tragedy. and well really? i've been reading those archetypes. and when i wuz in my most depressed state.....i wuz the glory has fallen. i don't know why i'm even bothering to tell you people this unless u actually have the sheet i have. but i feel like sharing. my counsellor says i need to share my thoughts and my pain, and if that fails, just get involved in sumthing.

hahaha=>:d what i know for a fact is dat, i'm unwilling to do n e thing. i don't wanna do n e thing at all. hm. i just kinda wanna be part of sumthing, but i already know i am. i'm apart of the living winning race. but whateva......no one can please everyone.....everyone's gonna die. hehehe=>:d

yeah yeah, i know i look like sharon now la. i thought so da very hour i got my hair cut, but it's alritez la. hehehe=>:d no problems at all. dere's sumthing called getting another cut when my hair like grows out. even if i do look like sumone else, it will never mean dat i am sumone else. yeah, i'm not one of dose people dat change with the cut that i have. hahaha=>:d people may think i am different, yeah, dat's cause i'm happier now. but i'm still sensitive. hehehehe=>:d

well whateva. i'm going now....and i just hope dat u dun think to much. even doe it's de inevitable. well l8a

aiya......it makes meh mad.....arg!!! hm.....loss of thought just now. hm.

oh yeah. what makes an insane person insane ar? hm. i dunno. an insane person is defined as this in the dictionary

Of, exhibiting, or afflicted with insanity.
Characteristic of or associated with persons afflicted with insanity: an insane laugh; insane babbling.
Intended for use by such persons: an insane asylum.
Immoderate; wild: insane jealousy.
Very foolish; absurd: took insane risks behind the wheel.

yes yes, so weird.

i do have an insane laugh....i laugh when i want....when it's not apporpriate or whateva. i mutter all the time....but does dat mean i'm like insane?

hm....whateva...gotsta go bak to hmwk

hm.....soooo bored. dunno what to do. i have sooo much hmwk. sighs sighs.

hm. neva felt sooo happy and hypa like yesterday for a very veyr long time now!!!! yeah yeah!!! but den again, when i'm soo happy and hypa, it dun realy last for too long. hm. oh wellz. and da longest time i've fet soo happy wuz for let's see......like fivish or less months.

oh wellz. whateva. it's good to be happy, no matta how long it lasts. and yeah, i'm still bitter. i'm still angry, but i dunno, i'm still sooo happy and hyper. sooo funnay doe. i'm even more rebellious. hm. soooo whack. i don't listen, and yet everytime i get angry, i become like an insane child. i no longer have like collected anger, i go insane. it's scaring me. and each time my daddy threatens meh by saying he's gonna hit meh, i just can't help it.....i just drive his anger even more. wuz happened to my family? wuz happened to me? what has driven meh to this stage? what has driven meh so far that i show signs of an insane gurl?

hm, why can't i be calm? why can't i breathe properly? why can't i sleep well? sighs sighs. maybe all these problems are because i'm tired or my brain is tired. maybe dat's why i get sooo many headaches all da time.

hm....ou yeah.....whoeva read dis....can i ask of a flavour of ya??? if you people like save meh dose like starburst wrapers it would be very nice ar! hehehehe=>:d yeah yeah, it'll be veyr nice. hehehe=>:d so yeah. well i'm gonna go now.....thanx....l8a

hey, everyone's hypocritical la.....everyone is. dat's just how da people of dis earth are like. dat's what makes soo many people sooo upset. but whateva. it makes no diff. unless u don't wanna be in dose statistics....da only thing you can do is try not to even think about it at all. try not to be a part of it.

u have always put smiles on my face.......and no matta how crummy i feel....u are always dere.......heheh=>:d what happened before ain't eva gonna happen again....but now at least i'm happy dat it happened. hehehe=>:d

i no longer believe in changes. most personalities don't change or are kept for very long. change is a lie.......but dere are miracles. i've like replaced all change with like miracles....but miracles dun haveta be da big things. but whateva. sighs sighs.

love ya, miss you. u still put smiles on my face. hehehe=>:d

finally fixed my pc. found what wuz wrong with it. my firewall like messed up my stupid like thing pc. oh wellz. i don't need a firewall n e more.....since it messes up my pc......not once....but like three times. hehehe=>:d being cheap, but it's not like dat firewall did meh n e good n e ways.

cut my hair. looks sooo ugly now, but it's alritez....it looks sumwhat cute. my hair'll grow out. and when it does grow out.....da first thing i'll do is like layer it all.....but den again.....if dat cancer thing comes by to raise money.....i promised val dat i would shave my head bald......and to that promise, i will do, i don't care.......my hair'll grow. i don't care if i get funny glances along the street. at least i noe it's a missioned fulfilled, even if it's just for my own acknowledgement.

the storm ain't dat big, but yet skool is still cancelled n e ways. sooo sooo funnay! oh wellz. i miss ya tons rite now, but yet i don't wanna go to fs n e more. i find no enjoyment in fs. but it's alrights.

well ur rite media....it doesn't matta if i look ugly with a hair cut....at least i'm still pretty on the inside...thanx!!! hehehe=>:D

i don't know. humans like to jump to the conclusions of things and just well.....think that they're always rite. i give you that....i'm like that too. yeah, i am selfish, and i'm stating the obvious. what is there good to state about that? nothing. nothing at all. if you wanna make a diff in the stats of those being selfish, should u not try to be less selfish, not by being even more selfish?

dat's just what i think. but with all that, u haveta still be willing to get hurt, and still keep urself in good health. that's completely what i think. if you are unwilling to do n e thing about what you say, sometimes you shouldn't say what u just said. as for meh, i'm a total hypocrite, most times i should just listen to myself, cause i'm the only one who can heal the true meh if i really wanted to help myself. but yet, really? i don't. i want to. i try, and i fail, but what's failing?

there is nothing such as failing, but rather u just don't succeed in ur goal. there's nothing like changing, only being more defined. the image and imprint u are supposed to be left will be that way, but as an artist takes time to paint, so will time create a masterpiece of you. but along the way, u touch that hand of time and change and alter the image u are supposed to look like. time, being GOD, he noes ur choices, he noes ur pain. he noes how ur supposed to look like. being you, u are affected by those that are in ur family. as you grow up to be in ur "teen" years, u are influenced by ur friends, and ur family becomes just as important as friends, or even secondary. and when u grow up to become an adult, u affect urself, even ur parents and family are left powerless in front of you. this is true. but in a way, maybe it isn't, maybe it's just because that's how people like it to look. but whateva the problem and case mite be...i'm getting tired...

why do you haveta be this way? can't u answer urself? i wanted to change you? oh really, why? because i cared? what the fuck are you implying? because ur afraid to get hurt by others, it doesn't mean that some aren't willing to take that risk. yeah, you and me weren't meant to be friends, it's just not worth it. i'm not gonna try to hold on to air n e more. obviously u were never my friend, because obviously if you were my friend you'd respect me. it's not my fault ur an angry bastard of a guy. it's not my fault that u have ur problems. but it's my problem that you yelled at meh because i just cared and missed you. it's my problem that i'm angry at you. it is my problem that i wanna kill the living daylight outta you. it's my problem that i have begun to loathe you. i never say people have a flaw, but you on the other hand, ur an exception. u have a major flaw that you don't control. u think ur soo right and that you have the power to yell at people, well i'm yelling at you bak now, u jerk!

i will never forgive you, i will make sure i will never talk to you. obviously since you really don't care either, why should i bother to talk to you aye? bastard!

hate you but loved you first, but now i will never love you bak. u don't notice that i'm not a bad kid. you don't notice n e thing about n e one, cept urself. u are a bastard. u have friends, don't count meh as one, cause ur not mine....u are nothing more to me but the dust beneath my feet. u get trampled over and over again. which i do not care at the present moment. i will prolly hate that i said these words, but my anger has become that immense feeling of hatred now. a hatred for everything pure and evil. i have no meaning to live for myself. i don't do n e thing right, but yet i do everything wrong.

everyone says they care, but really, their just selfish. i don't care. time and time again, lyphe has bit me in my ass more than once, and each and every time, i just let it go and say fine, that's just how lyphe is. now i don't care. i'll be that insensitive little bitch. since obviously no one has the time to talk to me. no one. yeah. GOd does, but blah. arg! i don't care. it's not like n e of you do.

yeah i have major mental issues, u have problems? go screw urself. no one reads my thoughts n e more, why? because they are all the same thing. you want to know what? nothing helps n e more. i'm that kid that longs to jump over that bridge. i long to be like that gurl who jumped off the mountain so her wish would be fulfilled. i long to jump that mountain wishing that everyone will have a better lyphe without me. i seem to only cause trouble. i seem to only cause inconveniences. i seem to only bring pain. i seem to only be able to cause pain for those around meh and pain for myself. what kinda lyphe is dis? i can't take this shit n e more. i swear, if this is the way my lyphe wuz planned by GOd, then i'd rather just be killed this very instance and stare death straight in the eyes. i'd rather be shot in the brain and live and not know n e thing that i do or say. then maybe i won't even feel n e thing at all besides peace at mind since most of it is prolly damaged. yeah, my head hurts now, since obviously my daddy couldn't control himself.

yeah i'm that bad daughter no one wants. yeah, everything's always my fault. yeah as matt would say, wuz up with all this self-pity shit? well one things for sure, i'm full of shit. i'm full of self-pity. i'm full of it. i can't take n e of this n e more. i don't wanna live. i've lost hope in myself. i don't see n e more rainbows. i see no more clouds. all i see is darkness. darkness creaping in on meh like a blanket of cold night. i don't want light, i'll embrace the dark. maybe i'm meant to be this way? i don't care. i'm just hurt. and i can't seem to describe what i wanna say, so maybe i shouldn't say it. maybe i shouldn't post my thoughts. maybe i shouldn't do n e thing n e more. obviously the only thing that i do is doing nothing and hurting others....total bs. mentally, i've already jumped that cliff of no return. spiritually, i'm only held on to by a thin peice of silk string. physically, i'm a walking zombie which has no lyphe of it's own. sighs...

i will let go....i will survive....u think i'm weak, but no i'm not. u think i'm fake, so what if i am. u think i can't live, but think again. u think i'm dumb, u think i'm worthless, u think i'm poor, oh say some more. u think i'm unchangeable, u think i'm unbareable. u think ur smart, u think ur kool, u think ur special. u had no rite, but u never do. u misuse everything that you can. u mistreat those that care, and u care, about nothing or noone. when will you see, when will you hear, when will you feel those around? can't u see, that there's more to this world? this world ain't a game. ur afraid. yes you are. u say you ain't....but it really is. don't u understand, that you have to have some heart? of this world, will only keep hurting you? this is a song, for you. it has not much melody. it's from the heart, but u do not care. all you wish to do, is to break those that care.

well yeah...i'm done...

it's funnay, i don't know why, but i seem to be able to predict when i get sick, as if i wil myself to or sumthing. yeah i noe, ain't too healthy ain't i? hehehe=>:d oh wellz.

hahaha=>:d some people say i'm way too forgiving. people ask me why i have forgiven the same person who did meh wrong more than just once. they ask meh why i'm still friends or still around a person that is a total jerk to me. hm....and my answer is, i have no clue, i don't know. i just am. i just can't help it. especially now, i can't help but to forgive those that do wrong to me. i really don't know if it's a vulnerability or if it's just that i'm stupid or sumthing. maybe i rather like to forgive because i want to be forgiven. i don't know. i have no right to forgive.

mel u are right, i wasn't okay last nite. but afta talking to ya, i've gotten betta. i see dat i will still be his friend. u will always question why i'm a friend to a jerk, and maybe i'm just too loving or whateva, but i will. i will for no reason let go, because in meh, i feel it's not that time right to let go yet. i remember a saying. it's in chinese. when people seem to have no more hope, it's the time when they need other's hope the most. i don't know. i will for no reason just leave someone like how someone can and will. i enjoy being with someone so it gives meh comfort, and it destroys meh to hear that ur mad at meh, but really, is it my fault? it ain't. u just can't forgive the world, i can't point a gun at ur head so that you will. u just haveta let urself try to.

u may say that u are not afraid of n e thing, but really, if you see it my way, ur afraid of everyone. u are afraid to let go and get hurt. yeah, everyone i know says tears are the weakest emotion someone can have. really, to me, tears are something only the strong can do. yes, there are those that misuse the concept so that everything goes their way, but in the long run, only the strong can cry. yes, in the state of tears, you may be weak, but you may find that you have never been thinking soo strongly or clearly on certain thoughts.

i can't say i don't care, but i can't say i can care. all i can say is that i will care. you don't want meh to, so i won't be in ur face about it. u think i don't think......really, u obviously never had the time to understand me. what you thought i thought about wuz dumb. u think that i'm self-centered, who do you think you are? u are not GOD, and you had no right to say those things to meh, anger is still with meh, but my urging to forgive you is even greater. when will you get it that not everyone will forgive you? when will you understand that not everyone wants to forgive you for what you say to them? will you not finally find it in ur mind that u are not as great as you think you are? when will you notice that ur throne is not as high? u still think u are special.....it proves it because u yelled at meh....u think u were special enuff to yell at meh....well ur wrong....you don't see meh yelling at people about everything do i? i'm not a perfect person....but honestly.....u don't have to hurt meh.....u find enjoyment doing that don't u??? yeah...well i'll say dis....go suck ur dick! sollie.....can't help it....i am still angry at you...because you haven't learnt that i have changed...u haven't noticed that people care....u haven't noticed n e thing besides all about urself....u haven't noticed that there are some in this world that would give part of their world for you....obviously you just don't care about n e one cept urself.....yeah....go kiss ur ass because ur only worthy of ur own....i still love youe, but i'm still angry, not that you care n e .....yeah like u said to meh, for now i say this....fuck off, and when you want to talk to meh....i won't talk to you till i'm ready....so don't u even dare.....

well don't remind meh of dat jerk of a kid. i can't handle it la. so yes.....i'll be fine eventually. hehehe=>:D actually, i'm fine now. and well if n e one has a problem with meh, dey can just go kiss my assie.

yupz yupz. da day started out bad, and add on the fact that i don't really like churchie, it really dun help meh muchie. but den again. GOD's teaching me sumthing. again and again, it's sumthing i noe, but sumthing i do not apply. yes yes, i'm bad. sollie to say, but i am not perfect. i have hmwk, but i haven't finished n e yet. arg! gotsta study for a test/ quizzie for terms dat's coming up, and i haven't even started. i just hope i pass. sighs sighs. i haven't even finished much of my nomenclature thingy either. the only thing i managed to complete wuz like reading da 18 pagies for english which i already did in like english classie.

yupz yupz....gonna try to sleep early tonite...so i'm getting off at nine....love you all....

okayz, on to happier noties. today is like alfred's b-day, and since he prolly wun read dis, it's save to say dat we have planned a nice lil get together for him. yups yups. hehehe=>:D it's sweet. no one does dis kinda stuff for meh, because i don't like to have people doing things behind my bak. yeah. a lil gift here and there is nice, but not everyone's rich. yupz yupz. angels may have wings, but not all of em can fly. or at least, not all of em have learnt to fly yet.

yeah, i have mastered hate with love. weird aye? i think i have crossed the line of both of em......and have snipped that piece of string in half. because i can love the person i hate.....and hate is not so evident n e more. hehehe=>:d each and every time you want meh to care less, don't talk bad about meh......especially in front of meh....but whateva.....it's not like you care n e.

so....happy again.....hope everything goes well....i'lll still haveta bring like work to jeans house today....since i just haveat......cause i can't possible finish like 120 nomenclature stuff.......maybe even more den dat since i have like two sheets and not one...arg!!!

well whateva....at least i still have friends that love meh....
yeah, some friends only come for a moment in time....
some friends make an everlasting imprint on ur lyphe...
and some friends even come to stay forever wit you all through ur lifetime...

oh yeah......lyphe ain't a game.....games you can always play more than once, but lyphe can only come once. it's not a game, just to tell you, ur all frikin fags if you think it's a game...well yeah...whateva...

what is it to you that i'm upset? what is it to you that i'm not happy? what is it to you that i'm upset because of you? hahaha=>:d well well....whateva. feeling alrites....enjoying lyphe, but being annoyed but fuckasses that do nothing but shit talk about other people's personal lyphes. what the fuck is that? yeah, i'm a foul mouth that knows that swearing doesn't achieve the image that i want. but really, it's not like people can help it ne. i can help myself, yet i choose not to. i coulda choosen not to be upset, but yet every part of meh is willing to fall into the pit, because of the same person that used to make meh upset. hm. he always does dat. his actions tell you everything in lyphe, he's not a friend, and is only and enemy. he's like satan, but he's human. he'll murder you within the second. he has no compassion, he has no heart. all he wants is everything for his own gain. when he's finished using you, he'll just throw you in the corner and make you forget that he was ever there. yeah, u called meh friend once, and at that time, u only caused me pain. now, i call you enemy, but GOD says to love my enemies, so i still do. hold ur friends close, and ur enemies closer, yeah.....but that's if you want revenge, i have no motive of revenge, even though u caused meh soo much anger, sadness, pain and hate.

you can change, but you had, but now ur bak to your old self. the self that i didn't like about you. the one that i had come to hate, but then you changed and was even there for meh when i needed you. but now, u have just tossed meh away, hoping that i'm upset, well i noe dis, but i can't help but to be upset. yeah....i hate bastards like you, but yet i have no choice but to love you the way i love everyone else. yeah, betrayal is a point in lyphe when you feel low or is the lowest part of you're lyphe. arg! i don't feel betrayal, i just feel neglected, you call meh fucking brainless??? just because i care doesn't mean i'm brainless.....just because i'm not cold doesn't make meh weak or brainless. you fucking tard! yeah, u spoil yourself by treating everyone else as ur slaves. yeah u loser. everyone must find favour with you? yeah, get lost! well i have nothing more because i'm just extremely angry. and well yeah, l8a

well maybe i'll take bak some of my words, i will still be watching your bak, only because i still care. i won't show you the side of me that doesn't....because well even if so, you wouldn't care. but it's alritez. as time goes by, i'll just haveta see how long i can hold. for now, as long as i'm happy, i'm fine. are you not my friend n e more? u haven't blocked me from msn, but yet u are always angry when i talk to you. and when i come up to you for conversation u mouth to ur friend that i have no brain. what the hell is that all supposed to mean? WHAT NOW?!?! WHAT?!?!?

well my anger will subside. i will forgive. it coulda been a joke, maybe not, but whateva. i still care, and if it bugs you that i do, then dat's ur problem not mine. well i still love ya guyz. l8a yo

hm, i dunno. going shopping today i think. yupz yupz. all i need to buy is like 2 paris of pants for myself. so yupz yupz. everything'll be just fine. yupz yupz la. hehehe=.:d can't wait.

i think i'm actually finally happy now. i'm still very realistic, but reality doesn't bring me down n e more, because well, i'm not trying to fight the inevitable. i can't predict what may happen, but yet at the same time, u'll always be able to tell. so yeah, whateva. i have no clue. i'm tired, but i have to do my homework. hehehehe=>:d well i'm actually quite a stereotypical person. sooo funnay. but den again, maybe i'm not. just about like 7 and a half questions. hahahaha=>:D whateva. having fun. hm...

are you still my friend ma? why do you treat me soo badly then? u like talk to me as if you don't want me around. and you say things as if i can't understand what you're trying to say. yeah, in fact, i do have a brain, a brain that's more evident, apparently more so den yours. you ass. you make urself look bad. you talk to the guys, you talk to some of the gurls. but yet you don't talk to jean or i? what the hell is fricking wrong with you? oh wellz. if you don't wanna be my friends, it's sooo obvious that you have more important people on ur agenda, den well i don't really need to be on it den. just scratch me out because apparently you already have. don't care. just because i do, i wun n e more. you cause meh anger and u create hate towards yourself. watch your back because i no longer will because you don't watch mine.

i mite get mad at my parents very easily some times, but i've come to see this. in my lyphe, i have never been deprived of n e thing, instead, i wuz always given more than i deserved. yeah, i'm the biggest spoiled brat you can get, but in a sense, no i'm not at all spoiled. i have never worked to get what i wanted, instead, all i needed to do was ask and my parents would have given. and if i couldn't have it my way, i'd just find the money some how because my parents gave it to me. in a sense, i will never know how fortunate i am.

yeah yeah, my friend was reading her persian fortune telling kinda book. i noe it's wrong to read horoscopes and everything, but even through a book poems, that's not n e harm is it? it wasn't really fortune telling, it's just a book of poems to tell you things. it's kinda funnay. the book said this, you may say it's fortune cookieish, but really, it wuz very precise. here goes. you worry and stress too much about the things around you, but yet you know how good you've got it. you wish everyday that you could have more, knowing that what you have should suffice your every being. you're dad is one that you should stay on good terms with. his anger results in wraths that may not be so pleasant as time goes by. you're sister has something urgent to tell you, and can only discuss with you because she feels vulnerable telling your parents or her friends. everything around you influences things in you're lyphe. you see everything just as it is, realistic, but at times optimistic. you are very proud and quick of tongue, and with that, you cause much hurt, but much healing all at the same time. once you are able to tame your tongue, great things may happen if you take the chance. stopp worrying and being upset, the world isn't worth your tears or hurt or pain. no one can take what you've lost, but no one can gain what you have. you are selfish, but yet willing to give away everything you have if someone just asked for it. in return, you would want the same, only to find that you can't have it that way, but you live on still trying to be happy.

that's all i can rememba what dat poem insighted to say. so yeah yeah, hehehe=>:D funnay?!?!? yupz yupz. you know who dat describes ma? yupz yupz, meh....every bit of it. hehehe=>:d

it's not how hard you try. really it's not. because no matta how hard, you'll always fail. even when u think u've succeeded, somehow, u have still failed. to achieve something, u must loose sumthing too. with every gain there is a loss. with every loss, there is a gain. hm.....stupid oxymorons....hm.....

well hm. nothing more to say. just wish you all the best of wishes.

well i've figured out one thing, i've really come to not like one thing that people say. they say this, you will always need faith, because faith is the only support. yes. they say that, but are they believing in n e faith? well to tell you the truth, everyone that's said that to meh have been athiests. it's kinda funnay. well to some extent everyone's said dat to meh at least once, but most of them didn't really mean it. most times when people sya it, it wuz to cheer me up, to bring me bak in good terms with myself. yeah, you can all try, but no one can conquer self unless it's urself.

as i've said, everyone's selfish. but at the same time, i've found this out, either ur selfish or selfless. yes. at times there moments when you really just don't wanna do it, but if you were selfish, u wouldn't, and if ur selfless, u'll put everything aside and just say sure, lets. so in the same way, everyone is selfish and selfless all at the same time. well yeah yeah, that's all i gotsta say tonite......

eww!!!! blogger has added another bit of sumthing!!!! ewww!!!!! sooo ugly ar!!! oh wellz. it's alrites. yupz yupz, everything needs change. hehehe=.:d yupz yupz. valerie lent meh a new shirt, she said i could wear it, so tom, i'll prolly wear it. hehehe=>:d yea yeah, wish i had like a camera. but do you think i'd go into da pic n e ways? i will wear it tom, but i have dese chunky rib bones dat stick out, arg! oh wellz. yeah, i noe i'm pretty. thanx people. hehehe=>:d ur compliments cheer meh ar. hehehe=>:d oh wellz. hehehe=.:D need a few compliments from certain people, but it's alritez. meh no mind. hehehe=>:d

well i'm gonna go now, cause well i haveta do my hmwk. l8a people.

ah!!!! i miss ya!!!! ah!!!! if you noe who you are, i miss you soo muchie!!!!! arg arg!!!!! going insane. ur always on away. and when you do talk to me, it's for those brief moments before or after din din. arg arg!!! but i suppose it's teaching me sumthing, that i cannot rely on ne one except myself.

i hate it when my parents always bring GOD into our lectures. yeah yeah, it's not like i haven't heard it about millions of times now. arG! have i done something wrong to be yelled at everynite these past weeks? am i so wrong that i can't do n e thing right? what is wrong with me? arg! i'm prolly even failing skool now.

yeah u noe what? i pity myself. what winston said was very right, but i will not prove it. i'm being stubborn and trying to fight the urge to like skip skool. fighting the urge to just call the quitz. i'm fighting the urge to yell at people because i'm upset and tormented inside. i'm fighting the urge....the urge to what??? i don't know. i just noe that i did bad, didn't try...and that feeling, i've gotten used to it.

u noe, i have like an average iq? it's kinda kool. well gifted children have an iq of 135 or higher....and my iq....is a few marks below that.....only 125 though.....kinda low.....but the average is 118. well according to the iq test i took on line. you can't really ever tell if it's accurate or not. at least i noe i ain't too dumb. but wish i wuz smarter. but GOD made me the way i was just for a reason. and i suppose that's why i have really bad study habits, because i've never really needed to lift a finger in my entire lyphe. arg! i'm anger. now i don't even noe what n e more. does n e one wanna invest in buying me a nice big teddy bear that's nice to hug for me ma? cause i'kinda going nuts and i need sumthing to hug. yeah it's great of me that i learn to take out my emotion on something more constructive such as a hug that can build up someones esteem and not a punch or a kick like i used to.

will n e one invest money on me? i doubt it. but whatever. it could be a surprise. whateva. i'll invest in myself then....since no body really has much faith in meh n e more, since i have no faith in myself. yeah, i noe i'm capable to do much if only i tried, but the problem is, i'm not that type of person to stick around doing the same thing over and over again. i just can't handle it. and so, in the same sense, skool ain't for meh, but yet i need order in my lyphe. so i do not know

i'm bak the stage where i hate to do everything. i'm bak to the stage where i'm mad at everyone and everything. can't help it. skool teaches me to hide that hate and phase. yeah, and in return, i become a great actress in lyphe. hahaha=>:d if you noe what i mean, i love family, but i hate family. arg!

i want to be left alone. just alone for the rest of my lyphe. i have seemed to be like that my whole lyphe, and so shall it be. yeah, i exclude myself in everything that i do, why? because i just don't feel as if i fit in, even when knowin that those people like meh or whatnot. arg!!! yeah i don't understand. i just can't find it in my heart to agree with n e thing n e more. i just wann like run in a circle, get to dissy and pass out.

if u allow meh to say one thing more, i hate it when people look down on you only because they only see one part to a certain section of lyphe. they don't tend to see the full picture. henceforth, i hate that quality about my father, he doesn't care about how i get hurt, he just cares because i am hurt. he doesn't care about how i do things well when i try, he just wants everything to be well. arg!!!!

GOING CRAZY, GOING CRAZY!!!!

yeah, i update my thoughts alot everyday. but u really think i wanna? if i had people to talk to, den i wouldn't need to be like sooo pissed off all da time. if i had someone to confide in, den at least dat lil bit of stress would be taken away. yeah yeah, i hate natalie....but at da same time, she's still a friend. only being is, because she'll never understand what i've gone through. yeah, she says pain is nice, yeah, hell. it's not nice when u've been living it everyday of your darn fucking lyphe. yeah. excuse the profanity. i'm just pissed off rite now. this whole day is like going bad for meh, and so it shall forever be. i suppose this is one of the days when dinner goes well, but everything else wasn't. yeah. one of those stupif damn fucking days dat just get to me. arg! still have chem hmwk. too lazy. arg!!! going insane. arg!!!

my dad doesn't understand dat my pc like overheats cause da fan sucks. my daddy doesn't understand dat i'm a neat person even doe i may seem to live in a mess. my daddy just doesn't understand a bit of what i gurl my age wants. i ask of very little. just to leave me a lone, what every typical teenaged gurl wants. yeah. i'm typical, so what? bite my ass!

yeah, when i said i wish i was white last night when i was mad, u noe what? i haven't asked for dat since i wuz like 6 or 7. that tells you alot. yeah. i snap. but obviously people don't know how much their stupid words and stupid actions mean to me. yeah.

hm. if you are ever to read this, tell winston that well.....i still owe him that song, and that i've written a version for it, but he hasta come and help meh cause i'm not making it by myself. it shouldn't be all my work, even though he wants it as a present. yeah. i have it, but not written....he'll haveta learn to write music himself, since he says he already knows how. yeah, i'm mad, i'm mad at everything. what can you do? yeah, bite me! troubled? i'm troubled?!?!? yeah, in hell i am. i pity the person who just wants to take everything so damn fucking easy. yeah, the easy path ain't always the greatest way. i pity the person who just wants everything to be taken lightly, that makes you darn fucking stupid and careless. in careless, i mean, u have no heart to care about those who actually need the attention and like heart of another person. in pity, and in spite, i can say alot of things that will effect the relationships i have between alot of my friends. yeah, i say i trust you, and in fact, i do, can i deny that, no i can't. but does that mean i want to trust you? no it doesn't necessarily mean that i haveta, just that i do. i get hurt by everyone i trust and it is better not to trust because you noe they will fail you in lyphe at one time or another, but does it mean that one should stop trusting altogether? yeah. i'm going bak to the vicious cycle of lyphe that likes to bite my ass harder in the evenings than in the morning.

yeah, my family are people i can't agree with. maybe because we're all just too stupid to find some common ground. my mommy just wants to show meh the love she has, but in return, i just don't want n e of it. because i just can't handle it. yeah. i can't help it. i can't help it, i love that she loves me, i love the fact that she is my mother, but yet i despise everybit of me because of her and everyone else in my family. yeah, with strangers, i will always be closer to them then my family. yeah, it's not the right way to go in lyphe, but u think i can help that don;t you? well give me a psychiatrist. sue me why don't you. then i could sue u bak for emotional damage for the previous sueing statement. it's just an ass biting cycle that you haveta learn to agree with

okayz...pleaz don't mind the profanity in the next few sentences. fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck. shit shit shit shit shit shit. arg......this is a mother fucking peice of shit, i don't need this crap. fuck! really, what the hell is with it with my parents telling meh the same thing.

u've been a christian for sooo long, blah blah, what part of you seems to be christian? man, maybe dat's why i hate church. maybe that's why i hate being me. maybe it's just because i hate everything and everyone. arg!!!!

yeah yeah, my daddy has like liver problems, doctors says it mite be cancer, but to be sure, he hasta loose 10 pounds and see if his liver is still bad. yeah. and they always say that i won't cry if either of them died. will in hell they regret those words ever? they never ever will regret. they don't understand how much it hurts them. arg. do they actually think i have no heart at all? just because i can't seem to be as close to them as i am with my friends, does it mean that i love them not? what the fuck has my parents gotten into? i just wanna run away, and i don't care if i never come bak. yeah, seems to me that i have the same problem as my dad, just that my liver is still in great shape. as i've said, cancer runs in the family, i think my mommy had cancer before.....just very minor. so yeah. i won't be surprised one bit. i wanna just run away. i hate it. i can't ever be happy for long. my lyphes a fucking peice of shit, but i still have it alot betta den lots of people. maybe it's not a piece of shit, it only feels that way cause people always drag me down below that pit. arg!!!!! upset!!! going insane. arg!!!!! must calm down. i don't want another anxiety attack. arg!!! i'm finding it kinda difficult to breathe now. arg! i just haveta calm down. i hate being emotionally stressed. over just one simple thing, something repeated sooo often, i still get pissed off soo badly. GOD's always there for meh, but really, why does he let my parents say shit like dat to me? he knows it hurts me. does he make em notice dat it hurt me? da only thing i've ever done wrong is one thing that i have never been able to change for so long. a problem which my family thinks i have. a problem with speech. i have a complex when it comes to talking to my parents. arg!!! maybe i do when it comes to my parents. yeah, because everytime they do sumthing, it just stabs, no jabs a wooden stake rite into me. yeah, i remember everything, good and bad, but u noe....bad'll always stick out more for the reason being because they are bad.

GOD said not to hold grudges, so i won't. GOD said i shouldn't let my anger go beyond the light of the sun, so i won't. yeah, i'm not christian, i don't talk about GOD, i don't talk to him, i don't treasure him. yeah. bunch of bs. arg!!!!

okayz okayz....can you tell meh what you think about what sum dude saying this to meh

"i hope you do not think terrible of me for sayign this.but i have seen your picture.and from what i can see of you.....you are simply beautiful....beautiful liek a rose........but even that single rose cannot be compared to you......so beautiful i thought i saw heaven..so muhc beauty....so much so that if i had one wish in the entire world.i would not make it.for you already exist... "

i dunno if i should think it as sweet. is sum dude trying to play a trick with my mind? hahahaha=>:d oh wellz. i wun take it too muchie to heart. but it dun mean it's not flattering. hey...which gurly dun like to be like called dat kinda stuff. hehehehe=>:D it's cute and flattering i give you dat. but really, wouldn't it be betta if i knew da guy? arg....i'm kinda sick or random people coming up to meh and saying things like dis to meh now. arg. why is it soo weird. oh oh. hehehehe=>:D soo whack. oh wellz....

yupz yupz. it's cute. hehehe=>:D can't get ova it. can someone honestly tell meh what they think. and if dey even noe a guy dat would say dat to someone dat doesn't knoe em? man. hehehe=>:D

well at least i do get compliments. hehehe=>:D oh wellz. miss ya'll people. need someone who'll actually talk to meh ar!!! so yeah....well people, i'm gonna go now......hope u luve meh as much as i love you guys ar.....

skools bak!!!! yeah, its been bak for a long time now. and i suppose i've been happy for however long it's been. hm. da teacher wuz describing those that have problems. like focusing and skool problems. yeah yeah. it's kinda funnay. i wuz exactly one of dose students dat da teacher wuz describing, just dat she didn't know she wuz describing meh. it's kinda funnay. kinda weird too. she's like, some people can't handle not having structure. some people must have routine. if those people do not have it, they would go insane. their mind would just fall apart. and if you really think about it, it's soo much like it. it's weird. hehehe=>:D

at least now i'm happy, but people don't really like it when i'm happy. they think i neva shut up, hey, i still shut up. it's not my fault. hehehe=>:D well whateva.

well people, i miss ya lots. and well people dun like to read my thoughts, so you dun haveta. i think i'm gonna get myself baptised, it's the only way that will make meh continue. yes there are times when lyphe stinks, those are also GOD given. so yupz yupz. gotsta go now, l8a....

hm....i haven't updated my thoughts for quite a long time now. but it's only been about like since thurs. hm. i dunno, i haven't felt so free and happy for a long time. sighs sighs. oh wellz. i miss some people dat i dun talk to alot now days. i really miss it lots. oh wellz. i hope dat dey dun miss meh as much. everyday i wake up looking forward to skool, and now, i do not feel so stressed. i haven't felt this way for at least 7 months now. if you count the months, u'd understand. maybe now, u can say i've finally really actually let go. but i will neva let go, just dat it may seem so to you. hehehe=>:d haven't been like dis for a long time. people don't like meh dis way because i seem to be unable to shut up, but at the same time, they would want meh to be happier. hehehehe=>:D

will friendships last over the long period of skool ma? i really hope it does. cause well i've already been dragged down long enuff so that my good friends no longer seem to be great friends, and my normal friends just seem even more normaller. while sum, some just rise above the pit i've fallen and handed a rope which they helped meh pull myself up.

thanx for being there for meh ar!!!! i noe i've been a pain in de ass cause i've been soo upset and angry this whole time. but thanx for persevering for meh!!! thanx sooo muchie!!!! *HUGS AND KISSES YA'LL* thanx!!!! hehehe=>:d i noe i've been a pain. but thanx for persevering. well i love ya guys. gotsta go now, l8a

hm....i suppose i'm a happier person now. hahahha=>:d maybe it's dat skool schedule that's taken dat bit of stress off of meh. hehehe=>:d it's all good. hehehehe=>:D it's kinda funnay. maybe it's cause i finally got over sumthing, and i'm having fun now. it's good good. hehehehe=>:d yupz yupz. still tired.

yeah yeah, i am worried about weight. yeah, ideal image, blah, there is none la. i am worried about weight because i am not healthy. i cannot be overweight because by being overweight, it makes meh even more unhealthy since i alreadyhave respiratory problems and circlatory problems. it's alritez doe, i'm still living. dun wollie about meh.

watching csi tonight. two in a row. it's all kool. didn't do much work tonight doe. i did manage to finish all my work tonight. hehehe=>:D yupz yupz. gots sum really depressing stuff in like leadership class ar. but to meh, it makes meh happy, cause all dose loser laws of lyphe, i dun have much, very rare anda not not often shown. hahaha=>:D it's funnay. oh wellz. skool makes meh happy even doe i hate it. i may not enjoy da people i'm with at skool, but at least i have classes to go to and stuff to do. it's funnay. i need schedule in my lyphe. i need pattern. i need regularity, but yet i need change and challenge. very very funnay. hehehe=>:d it's all good la. oh wellz.

yes, i changed my title to my blog, but no, my thoguhts have not changed. it's just that no matta how i will describe my thoughts, no one can really understand it unless they were me. so it's very alright. if i become better in english, maybe then shall i improve my description and imagery to my thoughts. yes, maybe one day we'll share and get to know people agian. maybe one day. but what happens if that day never comes? hahaha=>:D

well whateva. i have no clue. some things can't be put on hold, but some things last through that period of patience. it's alright. i can handle it miss talking to tons of ya. but it's alrite. sighs sighs. well dat's it, i haveta finish a stupid tragedy story. i hate reading. dey always make meh sad. maybe because i will cry at the parts that are sad, and laugh at the parts that are funny, but no matter what the case, it's funny. hahhaa=>:d i miss you all l8a l8a.

this is what GOD says. even when no one seems to love you, i will be there. when you seem to be loved by the whole world and hated by yourself, i will still be there to support you in all you do. as long as you never leave me, i shall never leave you. as long as you come to me with open my arms, you will still feel my embrace. i will never leave you nor forsake you, it's because you left me that you feel forsaken or neglected. i am the only one who shall never leave or forsake. i will love you till the end, even when you don't love yourself.

well that's all repeated, and well each is just the same as everything else. but a lil reminder is very important every once in a while. hehehe=>:D

some people are very forgiving. yes. i may say things with alot of emotion. like someone did sumthing to me or sumthing, but it doesn't mean that i haven't forgiven sumone. dat also pisses me off. if you noe me well, there are tons of things that piss the heck outta me. and i just can't help it but to get annoyed with it. one of those, when someone says that i say things as if i haven't forgiven that person. what? am i not supposed to cry when i reminence the pain that sumthing caused? am i not to feel angry when i remember the times that i got pissed? yeah, i got over that, but it doesn't mean that that anger doesn't come bak, i've forgiven them for that action, but that feeling only comes bak because it's a memory that has kept all the emotions that i've felt at that time. have you never noticed that when i talk about certain people i smile as if i would never smile again? yeah, i'm the lil happy gurl in the corner now days, i speak only when i'm spoken to, speak when i'm in a need to talk. but really, there are so few people that would talk to meh. they don't like the way i think, they don't like the way i act, they just don't like the way i am. i can't say i don't agree with them at times, but i must say i still love myself, even with all the faults and impurities. i love you all just the same way. even through all the pain, i can still smile at you, because you still mean the world to me. some things will just never be the same, i shall never talk to you, i haven't given you the last gift because i can't will myself to give it to you knowing that i made a vow to when i finish it. yeah, bessie noes what i'm talking about. i make harsh vows, and i know i shouldn't make them if i know i wouldn't be able to keep them, but that's the problem, i know i would keep that promise. no matter how much it kills me, i know i would keep that promise to myself. my promises mean alot to me. yeah yeah! i made it to the honour roll. pleaze tell me that it wasn't a mistake. people say that they made a mistake and i shouldn't have been on the honour roll, but please tell me that they didn't.

i can't stop saying i love you, i love you, i love you. yeah yeah, i just can't stop. i don't know. the more i feel that i'm being neglected, the more i need to say i love you. yes, i don't care who's reading this n e more, my thoughts are stupid, and i don't care. for those that do come and read my thoughts, i hope i know you, and i am saying i love you's to those i mean it to. you know me well enuff to know that i love it when i say i love someone. so when you don't believe me about when i say i love you. then just think about what love is.

1 Corinthians 13

4Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. 5It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. 6Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. 7It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always perseveres.
8Love never fails.

if i can treat you this way, then actually think about it, do i love you or do i not? dat's all i have to say to all of ya.

as seasons change, so will the character of a person. it's just natural. u can feel like a new person with a new haircut, but at the same time, u will always know that you are the same person as who you were before. i really miss you all, especially those that don't even seem to read my thoughts or care or talk to me n e more. i just seem to be a lil annoyance in your lyphe or sumthing. i suppose dat's cause u people will always be important to me. it's alritez doe. yeah, i might seem very annoying, only cause i care alot for those who i think are important to me. maybe that's why i loose out on lyphe. u know what i hate? i hate those that say take lyphe less seriously. i hate those type of people. yeah, lyphe can be fun, but it doesn't mean that you shouldn't care for every little detail in it. yeah, lyphe should offend you. you shouldn't tell somone to not take lyphe soo seriously only because they care. yeah nat, i am telling you to shut up! it wuz rude what you said. but maybe it's cause i know where media is coming from. and even though i think media is annoying sumtimes, but she still has her rights to think that it wuz childish. you shouldn't live ur lyphe always as the little child. just because u have a job, but ur mommy still tucks u in at night doesn't mean that you are still a lil child. yeah, when u read this, if you even will, i prolly offended you, and i'm sorry. i just couldn't live with that n e more, cause i don't take lyphe easily. i will always choose to take it serious, and if you don't like dat, den u can just piss off. i hope that you will still be my friend afta u read this, but i just needed to straighten some things out.


okayz. on to other things. hm. have my skool friends noticed that i've changed. somehow, those that i seem not to care alot about do notice. i mean, those at skool at least. i have neglected a person from grade 9 and on, but yet she has noticed that i've changed, and that i'm no longer that lil child n e more. she says it's good, and i don't think it's bad. but i suppose, as a somewhat more mature person, i must be like an adult and have patience, and be there even though i feel as if someone is doing sumthing bad. and i should teach when i think it is neccessary. yeah. i sound like an adult or parent more than a friend right? yeah, everyone hates those type of people. but if you really wanna noe sumthing. i wouldn't hate those that care alot just to tell you. cause maybe one day you'll just need them to be there, and they won't because they are still mad at you for sumthing you did to them.

hahhaa=>:D i don't talk as much ne more. i don't like groups. i just like when people when dey talk to ya face to face. two on two basically is what i'm trying to say. i don't get really good conversations while i'm in groups n e more. i just totally blank out and not listen. maybe dat's just like dat in skool. maybe on reason why i don't focus is because i really ain't listening all that much. yes, i have fun courses that really help meh have fun, but really, they are useles. i'm gonna take grade 12 english next semester, please pray for me. pray that GOD will give me the strenght to carry on and not be too stressed. thanx people. those that i want to to talk to, are those that i do not see, but yet those people do not want to talk to me n e more. those that i've established a great relationship with over the summer has faded. yes, i suppose some friendships are only to last for a certain amount of time. not all friendships are meant to last. this i see is the only way it can go, in lyphe you can only make more and more. people really do think i'm sentimental and opinionated. not a good mix or combination, but too bad, that's just the way i am. but just saying that's the way i am pisses me off. it's as if i'm using an excuse just to do the things i do. i hate it when people do that, at least i noe i try to change myself because i noe that i'm just using it as an excuse.

skool really took away my loneliness, but yet at the same time i have never felt more lonely. as i've said last night, you will never feel more lonely then when u are with a group, but u feel neglected. hahaha=>:d i suppose i should have been used to this feeling of rejection, since i've been living with it all my lyphe. but no one is made to feel loneliness. at least i noe i have friends, even if they don't like all my opinions, at least they stick by meh no matta what. all i can do is smile one smile. and hope that lasts foreva. yeah, i wore a skirt to skool today, everyone wuz shocked so badly. is it my fault that i choose not to wear like fancy clothes to skool? well people at skool, i'm giving ya a holla, get used to it! i am that gurl that is hidden in the corner's where no one sees. i am that gurl who cries every nite just because she seems to not be able to do n e thing right. but at the same time, i've lived like this all my lyphe, no big difference, just that i'm getting older now and everything just seems to not be as easy as it used to be.

i really don't want university to come. i would no longer be able to live the way i live now. i really miss all of ya. i just wanna give ya'll a big kiss and a big hug. i don't know. when i feel like doing this kinda stuff, no one is around me, maybe i should just get one big teddy bear. hehehe=.:D yes, i should just invest in one, but yet i have one. it's like about the size of my upper body. yupz yupz. hehehe=>:d i am that gurly gurl that doesn't seem to be a girly gurl in front of people. but everyone has a nature to look good for sumthing or someone. in this sense, i'm trying to look for myself. hahaha=>:D when winter comes, i will look like a mess, that's just me. unless u want to buy a bit of my winter wardrobe with me.

since skool's starting, i will not be like updating my thoughts very regularily la. sighs sighs. but not many people read it, so it's alritez n e ways. so yeah. it's alrites. as i always say, those i want to read my thoughts don't. muhahaha=>:d soo funnay, thinking soo much. all about the same thing. wishing and dreaming. hm. on second thought, maybe i'll just stick to myself. hahahaha=>:D

honestly and individuality is what makes meh feel like crap......maybe it's cause i don't accept myself as who i am. hm. is dat it? i think so. i don't have a style. but i noe i can be like n e thing like n e one n e day. so it's alritez. hm.

do i haveta remind ya dat i love ya? i think you people get the point that you are all important to meh, even doe i feel neglected and like outta da picture when i'm with you, but it doesn't mean i dun love you all in all. so yeah. it's alritez.

people say i am pretty, but really, it's nice to hear it alot. it cheers meh up. hehehehe=>:d yupz yupz.

i suppose i should thank you's i should say dat more often. so yes. it's alritez. hm. as da "real" world so to speak is totally diff from dat of our fantasies. oh wellz. dere is nothing we can possibly do dat for it. well yupz yupz. i'm gonna sleep soon. vause it's almost 11. and my mommy wants meh to sleep. plus i'm supa unhappy too. so yupz yupz. hehehe=>:d well l8a people.

i don't know what i feel lonely as. being by myself, or having people around meh, and feeling as if i don't fit it. hm. maybe i've just become more shut up and quiet now days. everyone thinks i'm just the happiest lil child, and i'm very pessimistic on the inside. really, u think i care much? hahaha=>:d well we had to writ one word that describes ourselves in peer support today. guess what word i wrote? i could have wrote sensitive, i could say loving, i could have written n e thing nice. hahaha=>:d u prolly already noe. i wrote opinionated. hahaha=>:D i suppose it can be negative, or it could be positive. the teacher took it as sumthing good, because she seemed soo interested in my being opinionated. but the truth is, if she knew the real way i wuz, i think she'd take it the wrong way. hahaha=>:D

no one from skool besides about one actually reads this like once every month. sooo funnay. most of those that i want them to read this don't n e more. the same thoughts get annoying. yeah i noe. i have no enlightenment. i like to help people. helping people cheers me up soo much. sighs sighs. but everyone thinks i have enuff troubles on my own. arg!!!! what a pain in the a to da double s. sighs sighs. whateva. hehehe=>:d well everyone thinks i'm annoying now. everyone at church just thinks i have an issue about being alone. but the truth is, i'd rather be alone....all alone. leave meh to my yarn, my books, my tv and my fruits, i would be fine. but no, people haveta neglect me in a group. i have my conclusions on the matter of student council and everything. so yeah, whateva. well i'm gonna leave now. l8a every one. l8a....

hm.....same verse, i don't wanna run away, but i can't take it, i don't understand. arg, one of these days, someone will let meh go and i will just loose my mind. yeah joy, jean and ann, i will have problems, i will have a heart attack one of these days.

i don't care if you honestly got sick of my chatting or raving about depressing crap about the same thigns over and over again. i don't care. well maybe i do. sighs sighs. grade 11 now. sighs sighs. i am in another grade, another year in skool. sighs sighs. will it be the same? or will it be different? will i see the rainbows as i saw from october till febuary? or will all i see is gloom and storms this year? i cannot predict what is before me to walk. no one is able to predict what is infront, only can see what is behind and past. sighs sighs. i miss more of last skool year than you will ever be able to imagine. sighs sighs. i feel lonely, knowing that i am not, and hoping and thinking that i am not. sighs sighs. yeah, loneliness, loneliness isn't what i long for.

will you be there to hold me? will you be there to provide me comfort? will you be there to support me? will you be there? can you be there for me?will you ever be willing to be there for me?

sighs sighs. yeah, loneliness isn't what people are made for.

skool starts soon. i'm gonna be blow drying my hair and sleeping soon la. maybe make a call or two because i haven't talked on da phone for a long long time. so it's alritez. well i just made da call, seems to me that the person i wanna talk to is either out or just unwilling to pick up my phone. which is not likely da case, because dat person'll pick up, unless he's in deep convo with another person. sighs sighs. i feel neglected, i feel regected, i feel like nothing. sighs sighs

my world has turned from a rainbow to a freak storm for a long long time now. what the hell is wrong with meh? won't n e one come and fill my world with happiness before i leave it forever to be in the mist of a storm? can they not see that i will not survive much longer? hehehe=>:d

i will miss you guys for days to come. sighs sighs. i will no longer be able to see you people day in and day out. maybe it's better for me this way. maybe i am to be sad for a few more moments in my lyphe. crap, breaking down and crying, as usual la. why won't the torture within myself be eased off. why won't i let my troubles go. why won't the wind pick up my troubles and leave me troubleless? sighs sighs

hm, some things you say are left best unsaid. but dat's just not true. hm. as long as you noe it's true, and it's right, maybe you should say. hm. selfishness should sumtimes share la. oh wellz. whateva. no body really cares, but do you think so? so yeah. i have no clue. if you never tell n e one what's wrong with you, then no one will ever actually get to know you. some problems aren't let to like only let you think by yourself. there are many things that you just shouldn't have by urself. but whateva. i have no thought about n e thing at the same time. so yeah. whateva. i'm tired. well yupz yupz, good morning people. l8a