hahaha=.:D why give up on myself when GOD has never forgotten and given up on meh???
yet....my own strength does not comply with GOD'S. i am weak, too weak to even stand n e more...
i started crying in class today, but no one really noticed besides my teacher....sighs...
yeah.....i guess i am one of dose testers....to see peeps reactions.
yes....peeps hate dose types of people....and some love dose type of people.
crying....it's soo useless. no one hears ur tears...no one understands em
it dun make meh feel ne betta....just a waste of my time...
u say i give myself pity....actually everyone of ya say i give pity myself. my goodness.....boi do u peeps dunno meh well!!!. grrr.....
some peeps you should never say u love sumone unless u are willing to to actually to spend all ur time with em....
i suppose....i am ready....are u???
hahaha=>:D
i am committed to self....i am committed to those around meh......i am with GOD.
i cannot say i hate you, nor can i say i hate you......i wish my friendship with you would just disappear sumtimes. i wish i just lost all my memory and i would haveta start anew like a lil baby. maybe one day dat'll happen...maybe not....
my dreams are becoming more frequent now. i'm very worried. they really scare meh. i don't know what to do about them n e more. i'm not afraid of death.....boi...how i just wish these dreams would go away. is this sumthin that's a sign or vision or sumthing??? i suppose having a dream of death is more like a nightmare to many people, but to meh i'm fine with it....i dun mind....why??? cause well.....i'm not afraid. i look at it with full face ahead......no hiding from it.
every one of you think i'm suicidal, and i admit i am, but if you noe meh well....u noe betta den ever that i will never now kill myself. i may have a grim lil outlook on lyphe....but dat's my choice to look life dat way. along the way, i suppose having such an outlook gives meh an excuse to be pessimistic. and i suppose dat excuse is what i live on....yeah yeah.....i noe it's not rite....GOD didn't make meh to despise the world he put me in. He wants meh to see the reasons for why he created and see the change in human because of SATAN. i guess i haven't been thinking clearly lately, and now that i am seeing everything on full impact, it disturbs meh. I've been understand too much for sumone my age, or is the thought that i'm a person to think? i suppose everything has it's reasons.....everything has a master plan for every action, for every thought. what must i do??? what must i say??? lyphe changes daily.....every new day is a gift.....but i've been repelling the gift, why am i being such a fool??? lyphe itself is like a big burden in my lyphe. u say i dun run to GOD for my problems....u say i dun.....but maybe you haven't thought of how much i've tried, and how much i haven't. what i might want doesn't necessarily always happen......lyphe and GOD himself dun work dat way.....if everyone got what they wanted....we would never noe how to thank GOD or get to know him n e betta.
some peeps say i should go see a physchologist or sumthing....at least get a prescribed "upper" and a sleeping pill. i say, i don't need this. yeah.....people have malfunctions....and sum people just cause dere malfunctions. i've been necglecting my body, and i've become sick.....in many ways, but i will heal and getting betta....
people say, when you loved someone u were so distracted that u never were unhappy and u did soo well in skool. i supposedat statement is true. but the fact is......as a christian, i should be in love with CHRIST so deeply that i should be doing good at everything i do. the truth is with meh.....i don't love christ enough den. oh wellz....what must happen??? nothing can happen. dere's a time when i just haveta grow up, i'm gonna loose the battle in the war, why??? because i will no longer be able to preserve what i once had and haveta move on. i suppose by writing all this my thoughts will someday become clearer and i will be able to walk in briter light. i ain't making n e sense, but at the same time, only i understand all that i'm saying.......
words cannot describe the way i feel....it's left to be undescribable. i've never been soo confused....but so focused at the same time. i noe what i want, but i suppose what's da matter is the fact of how to get to that point. well let's see if i can give u da gift of my happiness. i noe i'll be happy tomorrow, but the point is.....how many days will that last??? i have no clue how long....maybe it wun last afta da hours i'm with you......i've changed bak to the person i once used to be. i've become that introverted lil gurly with many thoughts that cannot be expressed. thinking about it, i've always been this way....i've never been another.....in my youth, i have learnt to persevere, and once more, the lesson is coming bak. dis time, in a different case. first time when i wuz lil, what i hadda persevere wuz racism......or should i say, being different and not having suffiecient money. now in these days, i haveta face my own problems and everyone else's problems in the world.
no one really runs to meh with their problems n e more......is it cause dey see all da pain i go through? no one really actually cares i admit that. have you ever met n e one dat cared about other people's problems more than their own? i suppose not. really ask yourself...have you cared about someone??? don't give meh the reply that you would give your life for someone, cause dying for sumone else dun prove n e thing unless u're GOD. only GOD's love was pure and still is pure. i would honestly say, when it comes to lyphe, i've always been first....even if it wuz a hidden motive, it wuz still first. dat's just how it works. no one'll find someone how honestly would lay down dere lyphe for you cause u are dere lyphe....and if u were dat person's lyphe.....dey wun haveta die for ya. da day you find da person dat would in return give dere lyphe for you and u for deres, u have found something dat you shouldn't ever leave behind. somethings are never meant to be left in the sand. some things should be put into a bottle with a cork and thrown into the ocean.....u say dat dat's a stupid analogy, but hey.....da bottle is never lost.....it will always be in the ocean sumwhere.....or along sandy beaches.
Thursday, May 29, 2003
hahaha=>:D everyone's been apologizing to meh lately. grrr. i hate this....
well i accept the apology...but they just saying is cause it;s weighing down on dere conscience.
at least they still have that...
promises....what makes meh upset about those are that when u promise sumthing, it's not only to meh....it's to urself...
haha=>:D i dun mean that you shouldn't make promises....i just mean u shouldn't make em unless u remember them.
if you broke a promise, u shouldn't be saying sorry to me. it hurts like just a lil pinch...yeah....a pinch that hits reality....but the point being...u broke the promise to yourself. u made the promise to meh...but mostly it wuz to yourself....dun ever make another vow or promise if you don't intend to keep it. it's just hurting urself....and i suppose those around you....
yeah...i've learnt to not listen to ur promises in preticular....but hey...da point is...when will you be able to prove to meh that i can trust ur promises???
actually....the point is...i trust you with all my heart.....and i suppose the littlest action you do hurts. even doe it's not intentionaly done to hurt meh, hurts. i'm trusting, i'm loving, i'm helpful..... maybe i sound stuck up or sumthing...but dat ain't what i'm implying.....i'm just saying dat in my nature....i care....i trust....i help. it's what makes meh feel good. i suppose....no one runs to meh with their problems n e more. sighs sighs. i wanna just run...i wanna just stay and not move...
yeah.....
on the other hand....you said u were sorry cause u felt u were being selfish....
i say, how could u think you were being selfish....u can't think it....it's eaither u noe u were or u know u weren't.
don't say sumthing that u know u weren't....on the other hand.....there are some things that you shouldn't admit to.
i don't think you were being selfish....
some friendships don't fade.....
some friendships fade....
hopefully ours are one of the ones that won't fade....
what i'm saying is dat...u dun haveta feelsorry or feel guilty...
some peeps are understanding.....
some peeps ain't...
some noe "friends" better than others...
so yeah...
which type of person do u think i am????
hahaha=>:D now the point being...i ain't happy....i need company...but i dun need it all at de same time...
so yeah....i need to be with someone...need to be alone....
hahaha=>:D
well i accept the apology...but they just saying is cause it;s weighing down on dere conscience.
at least they still have that...
promises....what makes meh upset about those are that when u promise sumthing, it's not only to meh....it's to urself...
haha=>:D i dun mean that you shouldn't make promises....i just mean u shouldn't make em unless u remember them.
if you broke a promise, u shouldn't be saying sorry to me. it hurts like just a lil pinch...yeah....a pinch that hits reality....but the point being...u broke the promise to yourself. u made the promise to meh...but mostly it wuz to yourself....dun ever make another vow or promise if you don't intend to keep it. it's just hurting urself....and i suppose those around you....
yeah...i've learnt to not listen to ur promises in preticular....but hey...da point is...when will you be able to prove to meh that i can trust ur promises???
actually....the point is...i trust you with all my heart.....and i suppose the littlest action you do hurts. even doe it's not intentionaly done to hurt meh, hurts. i'm trusting, i'm loving, i'm helpful..... maybe i sound stuck up or sumthing...but dat ain't what i'm implying.....i'm just saying dat in my nature....i care....i trust....i help. it's what makes meh feel good. i suppose....no one runs to meh with their problems n e more. sighs sighs. i wanna just run...i wanna just stay and not move...
yeah.....
on the other hand....you said u were sorry cause u felt u were being selfish....
i say, how could u think you were being selfish....u can't think it....it's eaither u noe u were or u know u weren't.
don't say sumthing that u know u weren't....on the other hand.....there are some things that you shouldn't admit to.
i don't think you were being selfish....
some friendships don't fade.....
some friendships fade....
hopefully ours are one of the ones that won't fade....
what i'm saying is dat...u dun haveta feelsorry or feel guilty...
some peeps are understanding.....
some peeps ain't...
some noe "friends" better than others...
so yeah...
which type of person do u think i am????
hahaha=>:D now the point being...i ain't happy....i need company...but i dun need it all at de same time...
so yeah....i need to be with someone...need to be alone....
hahaha=>:D
hahaha=>:D everyone gives meh more pity than i give myself.
i dun give myself pity.
yeah, i mite complain alot....and by alot i mean alot....but everyone just thinks my complaining is cause i'm pitying myself.
man......do i look dat shallow?
yeah, pity is a powerful thing......it has the power to destroy a being.
yeah.....u can say i'm happier in an angry lite......at least i'm feeling betta...
i'm not angry at n e one, nor angry at n e thing. i'm confused....but maybe i haven't been thinking soo clear in my mind before. everything is just a state of mind and of how you look at things. hahaha=>:D i may say i don't know muchie....but hahaha=>:D den u prolly noe dat i'm lying to myself. why am i lying to myself you say??? cause i'd rather be a constant liar to myself. yeah.....ain't good....oh wellz.....i think too muchie....causes my mind to be stressed....but is my being also being stressed along with this??? maybe maybe, i can never tell you....but really??? why??
hahaha=>:D i guess dat's true.....hahaha=>:D did a quizzie....hahaha=>:D but den again....some things are like subconscious. hahaha=>:D dere are just some things dat i will never be able to let go no matta how i try....cause usbconsciously i dun wanna. i'll give you dat......i'm stubborn. i noe nothing will ever be of this.....but then again.....hahaha=>:D it just shows you how stubborn i am. i have all i need in my lyphe.....hahaha=>:D i dun need n e more....n e thing else would just be an added bonus. hahaha=>:D get da drift? i didn't give many details and like distinctions to what i'm saying.....all this can apply to many points in my lyphe....hahaha=>:D many peeps dun even read my thoughts n e more....why??? cause no one bothers to.....why??? cause peeps dun care muchie for em. hahaha=>:D but it's alritez......not everyone in da world dat cares should need to read my thoughts to know wuz going on in my lyphe. dere are other ways of reading thoughts. hahaha=>:D but there are things dat would be muchie betta a certain way.....hahaha=>:D but things dun always go according to the wants and needs of a person.....i'll give you dat....lyphes harsh and it always bites peeps in de ass! hahaha=>:d oh wellz. peeps say i swear alot....maybe i do....hahaha=>:D just go kiss dis lovely ass!!! hahaha=>:D j/ks j/ks. yupz yupz....just having a bit of fun with typing words. hahaha=>:d lil ol meh going now....chillax yo
found sum lyrics....yeah....whack.....i mean....not really new....but i just fell in love with this song cause of the lyrics for like i can't remember what number time.....u read it.....tell meh what you think....
yeah yeah....i'm a gurlie...where is says wife....just change it knowing dat i'm a gurly....muhahaha=>:d love dis song....soo sweet....yeah i'm single....so what??? i can still love love songs....muhahaha=>:d
i read dese lyrics and it kinda infuriates meh....cause all dis type of love is so like doting on someone....but oh wellz...i suppose dat's just how it is when ur focus is outta focus on the topic of love. hahaha=>:d TRUE LOVE SHALL NEVER HURT....even at times when a very difficult problem arrouses, it shall never hurt. and if it does....it's something that you can take. hahaha=>:D the greatest example of this is GOD's LOVE!!!! hahaha=>:D but i wun go into dat....cause u peeps dun even wanna hear bout it....so yeah.....hahaha=>:D tired...meh tired...going now....my thoughts my anger you.....depress you.....i dun care......
if you really dun wanna feel dis way.....just let go....dere are just some things you can't hold onto.....you want it....but u can't have it....
i dun give myself pity.
yeah, i mite complain alot....and by alot i mean alot....but everyone just thinks my complaining is cause i'm pitying myself.
man......do i look dat shallow?
yeah, pity is a powerful thing......it has the power to destroy a being.
yeah.....u can say i'm happier in an angry lite......at least i'm feeling betta...
i'm not angry at n e one, nor angry at n e thing. i'm confused....but maybe i haven't been thinking soo clear in my mind before. everything is just a state of mind and of how you look at things. hahaha=>:D i may say i don't know muchie....but hahaha=>:D den u prolly noe dat i'm lying to myself. why am i lying to myself you say??? cause i'd rather be a constant liar to myself. yeah.....ain't good....oh wellz.....i think too muchie....causes my mind to be stressed....but is my being also being stressed along with this??? maybe maybe, i can never tell you....but really??? why??
hahaha=>:D i guess dat's true.....hahaha=>:D did a quizzie....hahaha=>:D but den again....some things are like subconscious. hahaha=>:D dere are just some things dat i will never be able to let go no matta how i try....cause usbconsciously i dun wanna. i'll give you dat......i'm stubborn. i noe nothing will ever be of this.....but then again.....hahaha=>:D it just shows you how stubborn i am. i have all i need in my lyphe.....hahaha=>:D i dun need n e more....n e thing else would just be an added bonus. hahaha=>:D get da drift? i didn't give many details and like distinctions to what i'm saying.....all this can apply to many points in my lyphe....hahaha=>:D many peeps dun even read my thoughts n e more....why??? cause no one bothers to.....why??? cause peeps dun care muchie for em. hahaha=>:D but it's alritez......not everyone in da world dat cares should need to read my thoughts to know wuz going on in my lyphe. dere are other ways of reading thoughts. hahaha=>:D but there are things dat would be muchie betta a certain way.....hahaha=>:D but things dun always go according to the wants and needs of a person.....i'll give you dat....lyphes harsh and it always bites peeps in de ass! hahaha=>:d oh wellz. peeps say i swear alot....maybe i do....hahaha=>:D just go kiss dis lovely ass!!! hahaha=>:D j/ks j/ks. yupz yupz....just having a bit of fun with typing words. hahaha=>:d lil ol meh going now....chillax yo
found sum lyrics....yeah....whack.....i mean....not really new....but i just fell in love with this song cause of the lyrics for like i can't remember what number time.....u read it.....tell meh what you think....
"If You're Not The One"
If you're not the one then why does my soul feel glad today?
If you're not the one then why does my hand fit yours this way?
If you are not mine then why does your heart return my call?
If you are not mine would I have the strength to stand at all?
I never know what the future brings
But I know you are here with me now
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am?
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
If I don't need you then why am I crying on my bed?
If I don't need you then why does your name resound in my head?
If you're not for me then why does this distance maim my life?
If you're not for me then why do I dream of you as my wife?
I don't know why you're so far away
But I know that this much is true
We'll make it through
And I hope you are the one I share my life with
And I wish that you could be the one I die with
And I pray in you're the one I build my home with
I hope I love you all my life
I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I can stay in your arms?
'cause I miss you, body and soul so strong that it takes my breath away
And I breathe you into my heart and pray for the strength to stand today
'cause I love you, whether it's wrong or right
And though I can't be with you tonight
And know my heart is by your side
I don't want to run away but I can't take it, I don't understand
If I'm not made for you then why does my heart tell me that I am
Is there any way that I could stay in your arms?
yeah yeah....i'm a gurlie...where is says wife....just change it knowing dat i'm a gurly....muhahaha=>:d love dis song....soo sweet....yeah i'm single....so what??? i can still love love songs....muhahaha=>:d
i read dese lyrics and it kinda infuriates meh....cause all dis type of love is so like doting on someone....but oh wellz...i suppose dat's just how it is when ur focus is outta focus on the topic of love. hahaha=>:d TRUE LOVE SHALL NEVER HURT....even at times when a very difficult problem arrouses, it shall never hurt. and if it does....it's something that you can take. hahaha=>:D the greatest example of this is GOD's LOVE!!!! hahaha=>:D but i wun go into dat....cause u peeps dun even wanna hear bout it....so yeah.....hahaha=>:D tired...meh tired...going now....my thoughts my anger you.....depress you.....i dun care......
if you really dun wanna feel dis way.....just let go....dere are just some things you can't hold onto.....you want it....but u can't have it....
Wednesday, May 28, 2003
yeah.....suppose so...
no one wants to be surrounded by unhappiness....yeah....i noe dat...
i guess dat's why i'd rather be the lone person so far...
unhappiness and struggles and problems is a repelent to everyone in the world....
nor am i alone....i know i'm not....
i mite have another friend giveup on meh...i'm used to being abandonned and feeling lonely
i know i'm not lonely...
u ask me why i dun run to GOD....
hahaha=>:d some prays aren't answered immediately
mine.....will not be answered immediately...
i run away knowing i can't hide, but i still find enjoyment in trying to do it
hahaha=>:D no one has the energy to cheer meh up....think i don't know that???
hahah=>:D see.....i post my thoughts.....not hoping n e one would land on em.....hahah=>:d
yeah...i'm a trouble....
muhahah=>:d smilez....so yeah....whatever u say....
ur anger...i can feel....my anger...still misunderstood....hahah=>:D
troubled??? am i troubled??? u mite think so.....u mite not understand meh...maybe no one does cept GOD and i.....think i care??? yeah i do.....problem with that??? tons, but none. so yeah...muhahaha=>:D
so life goes on no matta what....yeah yeah....why live life soo negatively? i shouldn't.....but i do....why??? cause i dun try n e ways else....why dun i try??? cause when i do try.....i hurt myself more.....yeah...i'm selfish. i'd rather hurt everyone else than to hurt other's more.......well yeah...that;s it.....i've lost soo much already....i just haven't lost self....have u not noticed dat already????
yeah...give up.....i've already had enuff giving up.....i can handle it.....
no one wants to be surrounded by unhappiness....yeah....i noe dat...
i guess dat's why i'd rather be the lone person so far...
unhappiness and struggles and problems is a repelent to everyone in the world....
nor am i alone....i know i'm not....
i mite have another friend giveup on meh...i'm used to being abandonned and feeling lonely
i know i'm not lonely...
u ask me why i dun run to GOD....
hahaha=>:d some prays aren't answered immediately
mine.....will not be answered immediately...
i run away knowing i can't hide, but i still find enjoyment in trying to do it
hahaha=>:D no one has the energy to cheer meh up....think i don't know that???
hahah=>:D see.....i post my thoughts.....not hoping n e one would land on em.....hahah=>:d
yeah...i'm a trouble....
muhahah=>:d smilez....so yeah....whatever u say....
ur anger...i can feel....my anger...still misunderstood....hahah=>:D
troubled??? am i troubled??? u mite think so.....u mite not understand meh...maybe no one does cept GOD and i.....think i care??? yeah i do.....problem with that??? tons, but none. so yeah...muhahaha=>:D
so life goes on no matta what....yeah yeah....why live life soo negatively? i shouldn't.....but i do....why??? cause i dun try n e ways else....why dun i try??? cause when i do try.....i hurt myself more.....yeah...i'm selfish. i'd rather hurt everyone else than to hurt other's more.......well yeah...that;s it.....i've lost soo much already....i just haven't lost self....have u not noticed dat already????
yeah...give up.....i've already had enuff giving up.....i can handle it.....
i wuz reading sumthing over again lately.
sighs sighs....all my happiest moments lost, but still in my heart and mind.
grrr...
why am i such a controversial person?yeah, i've noticed it too.....i no longer seem to be able to be happy. sighs sighs.
yupz....ur happy.....i suppose i am happy for ya. hehehe
i am happy that you found ur other half.
i suppose i'm still trying to hard to actually live and feel lyphe as how i once felt it.
maybe all i need is just to fall back and chill for a while.
maybe i'll be fine dat way, maybe i wun.,.....maybe i will never be fine again..
grrr.....i'm like living the plot of meteor garden!!! grr......dis is bull yo!!!
grr.....
i guess that's my consequence for knowing and experiencing soo much of 16 years....maybe it is, maybe it isn't.
each and every situation has it's pros and it's cons...i suppose rite now at my age it just seems to have more cons. grrr...
i don't and won't promise to be a happier person, cause i know i won't be.
this is the way i am, i am very pessemistic....but at the same time...optimistic....u dun like it??? den screw urself.
so yeah, i talk like a person my age, but if you actually read the meaning behind the words, maybe that wun be what you see....maybe it is....i dunno. have fun...whatever...
i always have extremely long thoughts, why? cuase i think alot, i have alot to say and express.
no one really understands meh fully....but then again....do i really want that kinda understanding??? doubt it...
whatever....gonna go...have fun....grrr...
i guess i'm just very very angry rite now. grrr.....
maybe i'm just frustrated...grrr...
through all my dark times i see...
through all the light i'm blinded...
will i stay like this forever???
will i always have an open eye???
will i always be the gurl next door???
will i always feel this way???
why are these feelings being prolonged???
why am i not able to get rid of it???
do i constanly have some sort of faith and hope???
This FAITH i am not refering to CHRISTANITY.
the thing is....where am i going???
i have no aim, i have no home, just to be
i don't wanna be but i am just being.
why??? WHY???? WHY?!?!?!?!?
sighs sighs....all my happiest moments lost, but still in my heart and mind.
grrr...
why am i such a controversial person?yeah, i've noticed it too.....i no longer seem to be able to be happy. sighs sighs.
yupz....ur happy.....i suppose i am happy for ya. hehehe
i am happy that you found ur other half.
i suppose i'm still trying to hard to actually live and feel lyphe as how i once felt it.
maybe all i need is just to fall back and chill for a while.
maybe i'll be fine dat way, maybe i wun.,.....maybe i will never be fine again..
grrr.....i'm like living the plot of meteor garden!!! grr......dis is bull yo!!!
grr.....
i guess that's my consequence for knowing and experiencing soo much of 16 years....maybe it is, maybe it isn't.
each and every situation has it's pros and it's cons...i suppose rite now at my age it just seems to have more cons. grrr...
i don't and won't promise to be a happier person, cause i know i won't be.
this is the way i am, i am very pessemistic....but at the same time...optimistic....u dun like it??? den screw urself.
so yeah, i talk like a person my age, but if you actually read the meaning behind the words, maybe that wun be what you see....maybe it is....i dunno. have fun...whatever...
i always have extremely long thoughts, why? cuase i think alot, i have alot to say and express.
no one really understands meh fully....but then again....do i really want that kinda understanding??? doubt it...
whatever....gonna go...have fun....grrr...
i guess i'm just very very angry rite now. grrr.....
maybe i'm just frustrated...grrr...
through all my dark times i see...
through all the light i'm blinded...
will i stay like this forever???
will i always have an open eye???
will i always be the gurl next door???
will i always feel this way???
why are these feelings being prolonged???
why am i not able to get rid of it???
do i constanly have some sort of faith and hope???
This FAITH i am not refering to CHRISTANITY.
the thing is....where am i going???
i have no aim, i have no home, just to be
i don't wanna be but i am just being.
why??? WHY???? WHY?!?!?!?!?
Tuesday, May 27, 2003
damn i'm stupid....
lately, i've watched out for all my emotional and mental needs....not sufficing the needs of the physical body
now i have health problems, at risks for other things
grrr......
what shall be of meh???
is this all a consequence? have i been too deep in thought and have neglected da body to a point of distruction???
i'm confused...more confused than ever...
pain which is supposed to hurt because of infection no longer hurts, but instead, brings a thrill....a thrill of lyphe
yeah...i sound weird and very suicidal, but mind ya....i am.....just dat i will take no action into killing myself.
i may be one of the most suicidal peeps you know...may not be....
bak to the pain....it gives meh a thrill of lyphe...
yeah in a sense it does in a sense...pain is just pain....it'll hurt no matter what...
hahaha=>:D the physical pain may like totally hurt someone else...but to meh.....i mite scream and shout only to cause attention...so yeah...blah blah...
the thrill i receive from actually feeling pain is kinda incredible. since this pain i feel is not a pain that i inflict on myself, but is caused because of my actions not intentionally...it's just the consequence of my reactions...but the thing is....i've never felt soo alive.
it's kinda funnay....i'm kinda still on the thrill ride of pain and is kinda hyper hyper about it.
i'm actually quite happy having a stupid infection and other problems. yeah....peeps say i should be afraid of death...but the thing is....the close it is...the higher the thrill....this only being the fact that the more conscious of death is to you, the closer u hold on to lyphe. until you totally let go of your lyphe den dere you know that you'll know you let go. you don't wanna live...ur killing urself....
well whatever...dat's all i have to say.....stupid thoughts...l8a
lately, i've watched out for all my emotional and mental needs....not sufficing the needs of the physical body
now i have health problems, at risks for other things
grrr......
what shall be of meh???
is this all a consequence? have i been too deep in thought and have neglected da body to a point of distruction???
i'm confused...more confused than ever...
pain which is supposed to hurt because of infection no longer hurts, but instead, brings a thrill....a thrill of lyphe
yeah...i sound weird and very suicidal, but mind ya....i am.....just dat i will take no action into killing myself.
i may be one of the most suicidal peeps you know...may not be....
bak to the pain....it gives meh a thrill of lyphe...
yeah in a sense it does in a sense...pain is just pain....it'll hurt no matter what...
hahaha=>:D the physical pain may like totally hurt someone else...but to meh.....i mite scream and shout only to cause attention...so yeah...blah blah...
the thrill i receive from actually feeling pain is kinda incredible. since this pain i feel is not a pain that i inflict on myself, but is caused because of my actions not intentionally...it's just the consequence of my reactions...but the thing is....i've never felt soo alive.
it's kinda funnay....i'm kinda still on the thrill ride of pain and is kinda hyper hyper about it.
i'm actually quite happy having a stupid infection and other problems. yeah....peeps say i should be afraid of death...but the thing is....the close it is...the higher the thrill....this only being the fact that the more conscious of death is to you, the closer u hold on to lyphe. until you totally let go of your lyphe den dere you know that you'll know you let go. you don't wanna live...ur killing urself....
well whatever...dat's all i have to say.....stupid thoughts...l8a
Monday, May 26, 2003
my thoughts are always so long. no one acutlaly takes the time and reads this...but oh wellz. what shall i say???
i feel shitty....very very shitty....but den again....i feel alot betta.....
yet i noe tomorrow morning when i actually wake up....i'll feel as depressed as hell walking to jenny's house.
her door is always closed....works on a few levels...no i'm not a lesbian even doe it's not wrong in today society, i myself am not one.
peeps say, where the door closes either other ones open or very large windows show the light. but i've closed all my doors. cloosed and boarded up my window. the only thing left is for sumone or sumthing to come barging into my life and knowck down all my foundation. maybe i suppose thats what happned. but maybe da't not what's happened. i have no clue. u think u know meh, i will always ask....u realy think so??? yeah....think again. i really wanna get to know peeps....but at the same time....i know i'll just push u all away.
i can handle loneliness even though it's one of my worst fears. add on to my fears list...heights....death...life without GOD.
yeah....i do not know...i cannot contro. wish life could be easily thought out instead of thought so deeply. i really envy you....those that can seem so careless about n e thing. but then again....i'd hate to be all at the same time. i'm made to thihnk....i have a walking brain that thinks and ticks all on it's own...even when i myself do not consciously think. you dun think that is possible do you?? well i really say ur wrong. if u know meh well enuff....i am constantly thinking. i am constantly offended. i am constantly hating and loving all at the same time. i hate people./ i hate human nature. everything is just so corrupt.. we ourselves can only try to become a better person, not necessarily becoming one, but of like acutally trying. pathetic, pathetic, all so pathetic at times. i really depise you, but at the same time that i love you.
you say u read my thoughts....and u get repelled. yeah.....well yeah...i have nothing to say to dat. death...yes...death...my parents were talking about death today about that sars stuff. really didn't scare meh. cause i know i'm prepared to die....heaven and hell are the after life. i realy ain't trying my best to reflect the almighty light. maybe i should try harder. but then again...i have not got the sufficient amount of energy to take on such a task. grr......i will go on thinking this way.....i think too muchi...i think too lil....i care too muchie....i care to lil.....
i relaly believe i have sum circulatory problem now days. yeah...just physical problems....ain't dat freaky i suppose. so yeah...it's alrites....i really just wann leave and never come bak...maybe it's better that peeps leave ur lyphe...cause den you'll have da time to forget em and never think of em. never contact em. never look or see em. maybe it's betta for meh...but den again...maybe not.
i dun think i'll be sleeping well tonite either. i've been having horrible dreams. and i suppose my dreams are the only things dat keep meh awake but make meh sleep too. sighs sighs.....no one wanna hear my dreams.
realy...maybe it wun be so bad if it were a dejavous. but i have no clue....who actually has a dream where dey are dying in such a realistic view that u actually feel the pain and feel the loss of breath??? man.....if u read my thoughts u'll know i'm a child with problems, but i dun think you care muchie cause no ones really talked to meh much about this stuff. i dun believe n e one wanna talk to meh about this kinda stuff n e ways so i guess i'm alritez dun u think? i will change...for betta or worst is only a state of mind. hahaha=.:D got to know some more peeps....just an online friend doe. maybe just maybe i can analyze peeps on a new level now. hahaha=>:D went into a discussion about evil peeps. hahaha=>:D yes women and men are evil. the superior evil gender cannot be determined for only GOD can determine that. so yeah....i'll just leave it at that...
oh yeah.....i wuz reading over my lil sermon notes from a long long time ago....bout the third week of december. it went sumthing like this....love cannot be forced. maybe i shoulda learnt from that saying then and not created such pain for myself. is this the long after affect of the shock? will i be scarred for life? or has the wound still been lying open in the salty airs and surroundings? yeah....i am not happy, but my lyphe around meh is happy. i see it all.....why can i not pull myself up like the rest of y lyphe? there is nothing going wrong with meh...in fact...everything is as best as it could be. so yeah....i have no clue...i move on not knowing me but of everyone else. why couldn't i have stayed a child for the rest of my lyphe. so innocent and free, but at the same time soo chained down to the relience of ur parents. at times i wish i wuz da tormented sould i wuz when i wuz lil. maybe it wouldda been betta if i wuz still in hk for a few years before i cam here. maybe den my self-eesteem wouldn't be soo miserable.
i constantly make myself look down upon myself. i constantly degrade myself....for what??? i have no clue....i just can't keep myself up....but den again...i'm a very proud person....very very proud. i wish to not be like this. grr.....my thought invoke the pain that you never thought or have thought about. i provoke feelings of hate...not intentionally, but i know what i cause and i know what i do not. maybe times will change everything. only ...if only...if only. yes yeah.....meh leaving....maybe coming bak...maybe never coming bak...too tired to care.....
i feel shitty....very very shitty....but den again....i feel alot betta.....
yet i noe tomorrow morning when i actually wake up....i'll feel as depressed as hell walking to jenny's house.
her door is always closed....works on a few levels...no i'm not a lesbian even doe it's not wrong in today society, i myself am not one.
peeps say, where the door closes either other ones open or very large windows show the light. but i've closed all my doors. cloosed and boarded up my window. the only thing left is for sumone or sumthing to come barging into my life and knowck down all my foundation. maybe i suppose thats what happned. but maybe da't not what's happened. i have no clue. u think u know meh, i will always ask....u realy think so??? yeah....think again. i really wanna get to know peeps....but at the same time....i know i'll just push u all away.
i can handle loneliness even though it's one of my worst fears. add on to my fears list...heights....death...life without GOD.
yeah....i do not know...i cannot contro. wish life could be easily thought out instead of thought so deeply. i really envy you....those that can seem so careless about n e thing. but then again....i'd hate to be all at the same time. i'm made to thihnk....i have a walking brain that thinks and ticks all on it's own...even when i myself do not consciously think. you dun think that is possible do you?? well i really say ur wrong. if u know meh well enuff....i am constantly thinking. i am constantly offended. i am constantly hating and loving all at the same time. i hate people./ i hate human nature. everything is just so corrupt.. we ourselves can only try to become a better person, not necessarily becoming one, but of like acutally trying. pathetic, pathetic, all so pathetic at times. i really depise you, but at the same time that i love you.
you say u read my thoughts....and u get repelled. yeah.....well yeah...i have nothing to say to dat. death...yes...death...my parents were talking about death today about that sars stuff. really didn't scare meh. cause i know i'm prepared to die....heaven and hell are the after life. i realy ain't trying my best to reflect the almighty light. maybe i should try harder. but then again...i have not got the sufficient amount of energy to take on such a task. grr......i will go on thinking this way.....i think too muchi...i think too lil....i care too muchie....i care to lil.....
i relaly believe i have sum circulatory problem now days. yeah...just physical problems....ain't dat freaky i suppose. so yeah...it's alrites....i really just wann leave and never come bak...maybe it's better that peeps leave ur lyphe...cause den you'll have da time to forget em and never think of em. never contact em. never look or see em. maybe it's betta for meh...but den again...maybe not.
i dun think i'll be sleeping well tonite either. i've been having horrible dreams. and i suppose my dreams are the only things dat keep meh awake but make meh sleep too. sighs sighs.....no one wanna hear my dreams.
realy...maybe it wun be so bad if it were a dejavous. but i have no clue....who actually has a dream where dey are dying in such a realistic view that u actually feel the pain and feel the loss of breath??? man.....if u read my thoughts u'll know i'm a child with problems, but i dun think you care muchie cause no ones really talked to meh much about this stuff. i dun believe n e one wanna talk to meh about this kinda stuff n e ways so i guess i'm alritez dun u think? i will change...for betta or worst is only a state of mind. hahaha=.:D got to know some more peeps....just an online friend doe. maybe just maybe i can analyze peeps on a new level now. hahaha=>:D went into a discussion about evil peeps. hahaha=>:D yes women and men are evil. the superior evil gender cannot be determined for only GOD can determine that. so yeah....i'll just leave it at that...
oh yeah.....i wuz reading over my lil sermon notes from a long long time ago....bout the third week of december. it went sumthing like this....love cannot be forced. maybe i shoulda learnt from that saying then and not created such pain for myself. is this the long after affect of the shock? will i be scarred for life? or has the wound still been lying open in the salty airs and surroundings? yeah....i am not happy, but my lyphe around meh is happy. i see it all.....why can i not pull myself up like the rest of y lyphe? there is nothing going wrong with meh...in fact...everything is as best as it could be. so yeah....i have no clue...i move on not knowing me but of everyone else. why couldn't i have stayed a child for the rest of my lyphe. so innocent and free, but at the same time soo chained down to the relience of ur parents. at times i wish i wuz da tormented sould i wuz when i wuz lil. maybe it wouldda been betta if i wuz still in hk for a few years before i cam here. maybe den my self-eesteem wouldn't be soo miserable.
i constantly make myself look down upon myself. i constantly degrade myself....for what??? i have no clue....i just can't keep myself up....but den again...i'm a very proud person....very very proud. i wish to not be like this. grr.....my thought invoke the pain that you never thought or have thought about. i provoke feelings of hate...not intentionally, but i know what i cause and i know what i do not. maybe times will change everything. only ...if only...if only. yes yeah.....meh leaving....maybe coming bak...maybe never coming bak...too tired to care.....
i don't speak much have u noticed??? i may talk loud, but i do not speak much n e more.
i laugh....but rarely n e more. my own thoughts and randomness persuade a deeper color of anger and sadness.
i;ve never known such despair within a person. i have never known such hate and love could exsist in one
i never knew that the end of hope led to such a terrible other.
i've never understood. i've never known.
i do not know what i can do ne more.
i wish to speak not knowing the words which need to be spoken.
no one really wants to hear the pain.
have you noticed that our conversations have been becoming shorter and shorter?
have no not noticed that i've become more withdrawn from everything?
do you not notice?
does n e even care?
no one cares enuff
they cannot lay down their entire life for meh....only one has achieved this status...one who is still alive in the hearts of many.
no one is more suicidal than the gurl who almost jumped the cliff.
acually...maybe i have already cut the cord myself. maybe i've just given myself far too long to actually even care where i'm going n e more. i've been too down for a way tooo long time.
why can't i stay happy long enuff
what is wrong with meh?
do i need more rest than i suppose i need?
what type of rest do i need?
shall i sleep for all eternity with a soul intact within my body which never rises?
shall i be the caged bird that shall never fly again?
i've jumped.....
i laugh....but rarely n e more. my own thoughts and randomness persuade a deeper color of anger and sadness.
i;ve never known such despair within a person. i have never known such hate and love could exsist in one
i never knew that the end of hope led to such a terrible other.
i've never understood. i've never known.
i do not know what i can do ne more.
i wish to speak not knowing the words which need to be spoken.
no one really wants to hear the pain.
have you noticed that our conversations have been becoming shorter and shorter?
have no not noticed that i've become more withdrawn from everything?
do you not notice?
does n e even care?
no one cares enuff
they cannot lay down their entire life for meh....only one has achieved this status...one who is still alive in the hearts of many.
no one is more suicidal than the gurl who almost jumped the cliff.
acually...maybe i have already cut the cord myself. maybe i've just given myself far too long to actually even care where i'm going n e more. i've been too down for a way tooo long time.
why can't i stay happy long enuff
what is wrong with meh?
do i need more rest than i suppose i need?
what type of rest do i need?
shall i sleep for all eternity with a soul intact within my body which never rises?
shall i be the caged bird that shall never fly again?
i've jumped.....
hahaha=>:D l8ly....everyone else;s thoughts have been in my head more than my own thoughts. i suppose that is a better thing for meh. it's better to be not self-involved...cause it seems to meh when i have da time to get self-involved...all i end up doing is hurting myself and hurting everyone else around meh. sighs. i think too much.....u think it's a problem??? then well....u really dun understand meh well enuff. i ain't saying it towards u.....i'm saying it to the world...which includes you and me.
dere's one thing i must say....it sounds alot betta in chinese...
what must i do??? there is nothing i can do. what must i say??? there is nothing i can say. i wanna push u away....i wanna pull u close. i wanna run and never come bak. i wanna hide....i wanna shine. whatever i say and whatever i do will never let u understand meh.....why??? cause u will never accept meh for who i am. grrr....acceptance dun plague my mind....i'd rather not have ur acceptance. i'd rather just run.....or in my case walk....walk to the edge of the cliff.....i'm slowly drifting to the end of the falls. yes.....the falls...such as the one like niagra falls. i will plummit....plummit to the death of me. hahahah. depressing??? so what???
hahaha=>:D aw yee ging but lay ley la.....aw ling yun say la.....dan hi.....aw gee doe aw yut ding yeew mong gai ley....
i must let go....i must move...but i have been moving...grr,,,,......pain pain pain......
it's not the same pain i suppose....cause this time it's just self inflicting. hahaha=>:d i suppose i do that alot.....i inflict pain on myself....
yes....i create trouble....u care???? hahaha=>:D i wun even want an answer for dat.....i dun even wanna hear about it....i dun even ever need to noe...cause da answer is within my heart already....so yeah....u dun haveta tell meh....grrrr....
gonna run away....one of dese days....i'll run away...run to the end.....run.....run....run....never look bak.....only if i could...sighs sighs.....grr......
can i just get amnesia??? can't i just forget everything and start as a new person???
dere's one thing i must say....it sounds alot betta in chinese...
what must i do??? there is nothing i can do. what must i say??? there is nothing i can say. i wanna push u away....i wanna pull u close. i wanna run and never come bak. i wanna hide....i wanna shine. whatever i say and whatever i do will never let u understand meh.....why??? cause u will never accept meh for who i am. grrr....acceptance dun plague my mind....i'd rather not have ur acceptance. i'd rather just run.....or in my case walk....walk to the edge of the cliff.....i'm slowly drifting to the end of the falls. yes.....the falls...such as the one like niagra falls. i will plummit....plummit to the death of me. hahahah. depressing??? so what???
hahaha=>:D aw yee ging but lay ley la.....aw ling yun say la.....dan hi.....aw gee doe aw yut ding yeew mong gai ley....
i must let go....i must move...but i have been moving...grr,,,,......pain pain pain......
it's not the same pain i suppose....cause this time it's just self inflicting. hahaha=>:d i suppose i do that alot.....i inflict pain on myself....
yes....i create trouble....u care???? hahaha=>:D i wun even want an answer for dat.....i dun even wanna hear about it....i dun even ever need to noe...cause da answer is within my heart already....so yeah....u dun haveta tell meh....grrrr....
gonna run away....one of dese days....i'll run away...run to the end.....run.....run....run....never look bak.....only if i could...sighs sighs.....grr......
can i just get amnesia??? can't i just forget everything and start as a new person???
Sunday, May 25, 2003
hahaha=>:D i noe u said u were angry when you wrote those thoughts...but in a sense...in ur anger...it shows many things. it kinda really shows how ur real personality is. how u react to a situation when you are upset really defines you as a person. as i've said...in your weakness is your character shown. Henceforth, being at a "low-point" or what i call a stress moment is a time of weakness....and dis weakness shows u. it's kinda pathetic, if u really think about it....why do you post an online journal??? da only reason is either
a) u really have nothing to do
b) you really have no other way to speak ur thoughts
c) u just gotta get ur thoughts out as much as possible
or d) u just wanna be heard
i ain't saying it's all of de above, but it can be for n e of dose reasons.
in the light of being complex, you can see the simplicity of things....but to the light of being simplistic it is hard to see the complexity of the matter. am i making n e sense??? your thoughts aren't that complicating. they ain't that confusing. maybe the reason being is because i understand everything that i read upon the page....or simply....i just noe too much about too much or too lil about too lil. but either way....i still understand.
it's not the figuring out part that ur kinda pissed off about.....or upset about. what u can't understand is the fact that peeps try to figure out without the part of accepting. figuring out without the knowledge of acceptance is useless. without accepting the matter....it just drives a person insane. their heart may be pure upon the fact they wanna help, but the point being is that they just want sumthing....or they want sumthing from you that is way beyond the line dat can be expected. u still with meh??? i'm not that much betta....each scenario has both it's weak and strong points you know. by giving an image, i'm not n e betta den you. i'm acting...not showing my true feelings....just getting more hurt along the way because everyone thinks i can handle the simple joke. as to you, ur kinda opposite....if sumone pulls a stupid j/k...u dun really get too upset about it. well at least dat wuz de image u gave meh when i wuz still at skool wit u day in and day out. muhahaha=>:d u say you hate meh, but u can't....u hate meh cause u are no longer alone....but truthfully.....u really know dat u do not wanna be alone. hahaha=>:d ever get dat??? do u not rememba da verse mrs. tuck gave us to remember in mca??? pity the man that has no one to pick him up. i can't pick you up, but i may try.....try too much...try too lil.....maybe at times i do both....hahaha=>:d ain't da point...
yeah...there is no problem...it's only within our minds that we create such problems. yeah yeah...stupid words...sollie...no other way to express......i just am simply bad at expressing my ideas. i really try. dere are things we take too litely....and then there are things that we take too harshly. each of these things maybe different at times. those that we should take with total seriousness we sometimes neglect...thinking it's not too important...and most times....it comes biting our asses.......yeah...which leave marks. may not be scars....just a lil mark at least for a lil time being.
we say we are cold...knowing that a bit of us is not. we have kinda really split personalities. we hate, but at the same time we love....we cry, but may be extremely happy. nothing in us seems to make sense. yeah....it's as if a whole person can become a few other peeps rite??? i guess ur problem ain't as severe as mine, but den again....one with a problem is just as severe as the one who has many problems. it inflicts pain to listen to pain....but to write about pain kinda relaxes and eases up the mind. make n e sense??? hope u still follow meh...it's a long thought i know....sollie bout dat....just dat i have soo many words to say....sighs......sometimes ir eally believe da only one who understands me is myself....but i know GOD'll always be dere to help when no one else may help.
u say i'm strong....hahaha=>:D thanx.....but really....i know i'm very very weak....u strip away all my stubborness and u'll see da real person...but then again...my stubborness is part of who i am....yes...who i am is really based on my stubborness.
i really can't offer u a way out....really i can't...why??? cause i see no light to n e situation....i only wish to see the end....walking blindly into da tunnel walls at times...i really want to ease ur mind, but along the way, i may cause more problems...why??? cause i just can't help as much as i want. u pray for help hoping to find it in my words, my words are harsh, they provide no comfort. you try to coax me with gentle words that are pleasing to the ear, i am unable to speak of n e. i speak the harsh reality of the matter, the ruffness to the undefined edges. i'm sollie....i'm sollie if i provide no warmth, no comfort, no shelter, no shield. all i can say is dat my mind is a walking time bomb....it ticks and ticks...one day going to explode.....and i think it has because my mind has reached the point of like extreme thought.
oh yeah....one more thing.....it's through our acceptance that causes us the pain. it's because the acceptance of the matter of sumone else causes us to see the new light. yeah....that's why u may be an excellent listener. and on the matter of meh...i just love to talk...making it kinda all da worst. da bad thing about such acceptance is dat we still have not learnt to deal with it yet. we learn to accept kinda way too easily.....and den everything dat is heard kinda is reflected in our lives....meh making n e sense???it's not the hearing you have problems with.....it's in ur nature to listen. in ur ways, it's da acceptance you have da most problems with. u are willing and eager to hear the problems....u just wanna help, but it inflicts pain cause u care. i have no cure for accepting to easily....u just gotta find ur fine line.....u just haveta persevere all ur hardships. u just haveta live on knowing that's ur problem.....but to meh...acceptance is not a weakness.....what is a weakness is one who is unable to accept.....i hope i wun be da old granny dat talks too muchie....muhahaha=>:D i'm too long aired ba....oh wellz.
friends are never a bad thing......but rememba dis....as iron sharpen iron, so dose bad company corrupt the soul. so yeah.....my version of the verse....but den again..dat mite be the verse itself....aw but gee doe. u must noe what to let u influence ur lyphe....u must control and be on top of the situation ur in. yeah....chinese proverb......u must be two steps ahead of the opponent....yeah...driven from the game chinese chess. muhahaha=>:D i ain't saying dat everyone of ur friends are bad companies...nor am i saying dat dere ur enemies....all dat i'm saying is dat each should be accepted and treated fairly...cause no one likes a betta player den a team player....in thinking this way....each friend is a friend, but also a player in the game of life. each person's gain is according to one self.....one wins only according to one's benificial gain.....make n e sense??? yes....very repected saying.....treat ur neighbors as urself....yeah....it goes for every religion if u actually see it...maybe not in dose exact words.....but very very similar.....also....love urself, love ur neighbors....love ur enemies too. keep ur friends close...keep ur enemies closer.....u mite not have enemies...and de only enemies u mite have are those within urself. also called reverse effect.....fan hao gwo.....so yeah....whateva....i ain't making n e sense here....but i hope u understand.....i'll write more to ur thoughts l8a.....so yeah...l8a
oh yeah.....i had another dream dis morning....just as hideous as the last.....i woke up in shambles.....gripping to the edges of my bed as if it were actually de end of y life...sigh sigh....maybe it's just a dream with no meaning....but i believe every dream has it's own meaning....but maybe again...dat's not what i believe...grrr.....hate myself...
a) u really have nothing to do
b) you really have no other way to speak ur thoughts
c) u just gotta get ur thoughts out as much as possible
or d) u just wanna be heard
i ain't saying it's all of de above, but it can be for n e of dose reasons.
in the light of being complex, you can see the simplicity of things....but to the light of being simplistic it is hard to see the complexity of the matter. am i making n e sense??? your thoughts aren't that complicating. they ain't that confusing. maybe the reason being is because i understand everything that i read upon the page....or simply....i just noe too much about too much or too lil about too lil. but either way....i still understand.
it's not the figuring out part that ur kinda pissed off about.....or upset about. what u can't understand is the fact that peeps try to figure out without the part of accepting. figuring out without the knowledge of acceptance is useless. without accepting the matter....it just drives a person insane. their heart may be pure upon the fact they wanna help, but the point being is that they just want sumthing....or they want sumthing from you that is way beyond the line dat can be expected. u still with meh??? i'm not that much betta....each scenario has both it's weak and strong points you know. by giving an image, i'm not n e betta den you. i'm acting...not showing my true feelings....just getting more hurt along the way because everyone thinks i can handle the simple joke. as to you, ur kinda opposite....if sumone pulls a stupid j/k...u dun really get too upset about it. well at least dat wuz de image u gave meh when i wuz still at skool wit u day in and day out. muhahaha=>:d u say you hate meh, but u can't....u hate meh cause u are no longer alone....but truthfully.....u really know dat u do not wanna be alone. hahaha=>:d ever get dat??? do u not rememba da verse mrs. tuck gave us to remember in mca??? pity the man that has no one to pick him up. i can't pick you up, but i may try.....try too much...try too lil.....maybe at times i do both....hahaha=>:d ain't da point...
yeah...there is no problem...it's only within our minds that we create such problems. yeah yeah...stupid words...sollie...no other way to express......i just am simply bad at expressing my ideas. i really try. dere are things we take too litely....and then there are things that we take too harshly. each of these things maybe different at times. those that we should take with total seriousness we sometimes neglect...thinking it's not too important...and most times....it comes biting our asses.......yeah...which leave marks. may not be scars....just a lil mark at least for a lil time being.
we say we are cold...knowing that a bit of us is not. we have kinda really split personalities. we hate, but at the same time we love....we cry, but may be extremely happy. nothing in us seems to make sense. yeah....it's as if a whole person can become a few other peeps rite??? i guess ur problem ain't as severe as mine, but den again....one with a problem is just as severe as the one who has many problems. it inflicts pain to listen to pain....but to write about pain kinda relaxes and eases up the mind. make n e sense??? hope u still follow meh...it's a long thought i know....sollie bout dat....just dat i have soo many words to say....sighs......sometimes ir eally believe da only one who understands me is myself....but i know GOD'll always be dere to help when no one else may help.
u say i'm strong....hahaha=>:D thanx.....but really....i know i'm very very weak....u strip away all my stubborness and u'll see da real person...but then again...my stubborness is part of who i am....yes...who i am is really based on my stubborness.
i really can't offer u a way out....really i can't...why??? cause i see no light to n e situation....i only wish to see the end....walking blindly into da tunnel walls at times...i really want to ease ur mind, but along the way, i may cause more problems...why??? cause i just can't help as much as i want. u pray for help hoping to find it in my words, my words are harsh, they provide no comfort. you try to coax me with gentle words that are pleasing to the ear, i am unable to speak of n e. i speak the harsh reality of the matter, the ruffness to the undefined edges. i'm sollie....i'm sollie if i provide no warmth, no comfort, no shelter, no shield. all i can say is dat my mind is a walking time bomb....it ticks and ticks...one day going to explode.....and i think it has because my mind has reached the point of like extreme thought.
oh yeah....one more thing.....it's through our acceptance that causes us the pain. it's because the acceptance of the matter of sumone else causes us to see the new light. yeah....that's why u may be an excellent listener. and on the matter of meh...i just love to talk...making it kinda all da worst. da bad thing about such acceptance is dat we still have not learnt to deal with it yet. we learn to accept kinda way too easily.....and den everything dat is heard kinda is reflected in our lives....meh making n e sense???it's not the hearing you have problems with.....it's in ur nature to listen. in ur ways, it's da acceptance you have da most problems with. u are willing and eager to hear the problems....u just wanna help, but it inflicts pain cause u care. i have no cure for accepting to easily....u just gotta find ur fine line.....u just haveta persevere all ur hardships. u just haveta live on knowing that's ur problem.....but to meh...acceptance is not a weakness.....what is a weakness is one who is unable to accept.....i hope i wun be da old granny dat talks too muchie....muhahaha=>:D i'm too long aired ba....oh wellz.
friends are never a bad thing......but rememba dis....as iron sharpen iron, so dose bad company corrupt the soul. so yeah.....my version of the verse....but den again..dat mite be the verse itself....aw but gee doe. u must noe what to let u influence ur lyphe....u must control and be on top of the situation ur in. yeah....chinese proverb......u must be two steps ahead of the opponent....yeah...driven from the game chinese chess. muhahaha=>:D i ain't saying dat everyone of ur friends are bad companies...nor am i saying dat dere ur enemies....all dat i'm saying is dat each should be accepted and treated fairly...cause no one likes a betta player den a team player....in thinking this way....each friend is a friend, but also a player in the game of life. each person's gain is according to one self.....one wins only according to one's benificial gain.....make n e sense??? yes....very repected saying.....treat ur neighbors as urself....yeah....it goes for every religion if u actually see it...maybe not in dose exact words.....but very very similar.....also....love urself, love ur neighbors....love ur enemies too. keep ur friends close...keep ur enemies closer.....u mite not have enemies...and de only enemies u mite have are those within urself. also called reverse effect.....fan hao gwo.....so yeah....whateva....i ain't making n e sense here....but i hope u understand.....i'll write more to ur thoughts l8a.....so yeah...l8a
oh yeah.....i had another dream dis morning....just as hideous as the last.....i woke up in shambles.....gripping to the edges of my bed as if it were actually de end of y life...sigh sigh....maybe it's just a dream with no meaning....but i believe every dream has it's own meaning....but maybe again...dat's not what i believe...grrr.....hate myself...
Saturday, May 24, 2003
u say u'll be fine....but the truth is.....u really are not.....
in a sense it's harsh....but it's da same dat goes with meh.....i say i'm fine, but deep down inside....u noe u still lack something
as a christian, that lacking and longing for sumthing should be filled by GOD, and if it is not....there are only 2 possiblities to this 1 situation......a) u are either knowing GOD and am applying him in ur lyphe, but not enuff.....or b) u really just claim to have him in ur emptiness. i noe by my choice...i'm choice b. i claim to have him in my emptiness....yet i still want more, cause i also don't apply....muhahah=>:D stupid aye?!?!? either choice relates to each other in a sense....muhahaha=>:D
the truth is....no matta how u want meh to not worry.....i will always be worrying.....u ask why.....ask urself...u noe why. u are da backside to my hand....or so to speak...another part of meh that would suffer if i lost it. the whole body would learn to function without it, but the whole body itself suffers as a whole.
u don't need to know what i running through ur head, u just need to know what is infront of you. face it with all ur strength with all ur good points plus the bad. it's the bad, ur faults, that make u a person, not the good. the good points only happen through experience through the bad and teach ur faults to become better. in a sense, that's all it is.....the transfer a a fault into something positive. This transfer making use who we are.....so therefore...basically i'm saying that it's how we change that counts...not how we already are.
u feel blank all the time when ur with ur family, alot of peeps go through that to. to tell you the truth, i am one of those peeps. i know i have one of the best family in the world....or at least to meh....i wouldn't want em n e other way, and i betcha that the same thing is with u. the thing is.....acceptance is a funnay thing.....u accept em...but i find that sumtimes that the acceptance u go through to accept those around you makes u kinda feel hollow. the reason being dat ur family is the closest peeps in ur lyphe.....u have no one closer....well unless u already have a soul mate and have found him or her....in ur case, a her....muhahahah=>:d The reason behind such hollow/emptiness is the fact that u still want the change. change for the better. u long for the change or to see sumthing u want to happen. i notice dat all peeps are selfish, cause everyone just wanna change everyone into a "better" person. in a sense, i'm writing this like da entry i have writen because i care, and i know in some part deep down inside meh....dere's another reason...but dat ain't da point. i wouldn't change u for a million or even a billion dollars. the fact to all this is that peeps like u and meh think too much. care too much. but in this sense, u loose most of urself just to learn to get to know others. or at least dat is da way i am. u read my thoughts often whenever u have the time, have u noticed that most of my thoughts are for you?? hahaha=>:D smilez...ur special....hahaha=>:D yupz yupz.
u have an uncried tear.....have u ever thought that the tear is the only thing keeping you going?!?!? every emotion if wuz the last would mean death after. does it not mean such a thing??? really think about it....hahaha=>:D i'd rather have the uncried tear if i was you, but then again...i have million of uncried tears only because i no longer wanna cry and my body can't handle such a stress n e more. mind you, i cry....alot....and inside my heart....i'm drowning in a sense, but i will go on....eventually the water will evaporate. even if the tear was just a friends, or wuz mine, or ur own, the tear is still there is it not?? that's the funny thing, the tear is there no matter what....even if it dun belong to you. the only thing you can do to that tear is let it go....not neccessarily cry it out...but let it out...like open it to the sun and let it just evaporate....yeah....kinda superficial, but sumtimes to let go is the only way to solve n e thing. the funny thing is, i wanna let go...but it's as if my lyphe depends on my memories and i cannot let go of the happiness i had....that i no longer have because of the past happiness. hahaha=>:d CAN U REMEMBER THE TIME WHEN I WUZ THE HAPPIEST GURL, WITHOUT A CARE IN THE WORLD AND WUZ ALWAYS SMILING REFLECTING MY TRUE HAPPINESS?!?!? i really think if you thought about it, u'd prolly say either when i wuz in grade 7 or 8, or when i had sumone in my lyphe.....i guess in a sense, you would be quite rite and quite wrong at the same time. when i'm truly happy, most times it's when i'm in my own wolrd with just a lil grin or smirk across my face, not when i'm smilling and laughing out loud. i can honestly say dis....i love you....in whatever way you want...i don't care how peeps take it....think whatever.....
u wanna be in ur own thoughts, not thinking about others....but it's not possible. in your nature...it is to care...and caring is what you do best, even if at times peeps either call you cold or uncaring....the truth is deep down you still care....and if you didn't...being called cold wouldn't hurt. hahaha=>:D dat's how i know i ain't cold....u only wanna defend urself cause u either a) know urself really really well or b) u just dun like peeps calling you cold.....but whatever u are.....u know u ain't cold. i know that u seeing others smile because of ur smile makes u happy....i noe dat...why??? cause dat's da person you are. u sacrifice most of urself to gain that sumthing that you sacrificed....does dat make n e sense??? i know what i'm talking about, but very few, if at all n e actually know. this is a really long thought....it's more of a thought devoted to answering your thoughts.....meh=kinda stupid. in ur entry, it portrays a few feelings. a feeling of confusion which is numba one....a feeling of being lost....a happy feeling, a sad feeling, a kinda bit mad feeling. maybe not so much of da mad part, but u could be soooo confused dat u later become angry. dat's da thing....weird ain't it? sometimes it's worth giving up urself for others...and other times...it just ain't worth it.....all human nature is to betray no matta how loyal the person is....just look at a dog....(not saying ur a dog) a dog, the loyalest friend to the owner, will still betray its owner for a peice of meat if extremely starving. yeah yeah...i know stupid example...but at the moment...it's the only one i have on my head. hahah=>:D i wanna be loyal to all my friends...and i know dat's how u wanna be. and dat's wuz causing all ur controversy in a sense...cause dat's wuz affecting meh at da time. da only way u know how to treat sumones ups or down is to let urself go and wait for it to come bak to you in a sense. sometimes dis method is affective...other times, it's not. truthfully.....i've lost soo much of myself because i let myself go. i gave myself to everyone....hoping in return that they will return bits of them to meh or myself bak to meh....but dey dun. makes meh hurt more at times...at times i become stronger...at times...i become extremely weak. lyphe is a never ending rollercoaster that can go through the mountains or just along the side of it.
there is sumthing u wanna say on ur lips??? i believe it's constantly on ur mind or u wouldn't even bother typing it out. by saying u wanna say sumthing to someone can only let the person's imagination run to the wildest extents....trust meh on dat one...i do dat all da time just to keep peeps in suspense. muhahha=>:D the truth comes out either way...in the way u want it to come out or not. so eitha way....it's betta to not say u have sumthing to tell sometimes. muhahah=>:D
yeahyeah....dis thought is kinda long and kinda stupid....sollie for dat....well whateva....come bak whenever u wanna....i dun really post muchie n e more...but whatever.....hahaha=>:D l8a la.....
in a sense it's harsh....but it's da same dat goes with meh.....i say i'm fine, but deep down inside....u noe u still lack something
as a christian, that lacking and longing for sumthing should be filled by GOD, and if it is not....there are only 2 possiblities to this 1 situation......a) u are either knowing GOD and am applying him in ur lyphe, but not enuff.....or b) u really just claim to have him in ur emptiness. i noe by my choice...i'm choice b. i claim to have him in my emptiness....yet i still want more, cause i also don't apply....muhahah=>:D stupid aye?!?!? either choice relates to each other in a sense....muhahaha=>:D
the truth is....no matta how u want meh to not worry.....i will always be worrying.....u ask why.....ask urself...u noe why. u are da backside to my hand....or so to speak...another part of meh that would suffer if i lost it. the whole body would learn to function without it, but the whole body itself suffers as a whole.
u don't need to know what i running through ur head, u just need to know what is infront of you. face it with all ur strength with all ur good points plus the bad. it's the bad, ur faults, that make u a person, not the good. the good points only happen through experience through the bad and teach ur faults to become better. in a sense, that's all it is.....the transfer a a fault into something positive. This transfer making use who we are.....so therefore...basically i'm saying that it's how we change that counts...not how we already are.
u feel blank all the time when ur with ur family, alot of peeps go through that to. to tell you the truth, i am one of those peeps. i know i have one of the best family in the world....or at least to meh....i wouldn't want em n e other way, and i betcha that the same thing is with u. the thing is.....acceptance is a funnay thing.....u accept em...but i find that sumtimes that the acceptance u go through to accept those around you makes u kinda feel hollow. the reason being dat ur family is the closest peeps in ur lyphe.....u have no one closer....well unless u already have a soul mate and have found him or her....in ur case, a her....muhahahah=>:d The reason behind such hollow/emptiness is the fact that u still want the change. change for the better. u long for the change or to see sumthing u want to happen. i notice dat all peeps are selfish, cause everyone just wanna change everyone into a "better" person. in a sense, i'm writing this like da entry i have writen because i care, and i know in some part deep down inside meh....dere's another reason...but dat ain't da point. i wouldn't change u for a million or even a billion dollars. the fact to all this is that peeps like u and meh think too much. care too much. but in this sense, u loose most of urself just to learn to get to know others. or at least dat is da way i am. u read my thoughts often whenever u have the time, have u noticed that most of my thoughts are for you?? hahaha=>:D smilez...ur special....hahaha=>:D yupz yupz.
u have an uncried tear.....have u ever thought that the tear is the only thing keeping you going?!?!? every emotion if wuz the last would mean death after. does it not mean such a thing??? really think about it....hahaha=>:D i'd rather have the uncried tear if i was you, but then again...i have million of uncried tears only because i no longer wanna cry and my body can't handle such a stress n e more. mind you, i cry....alot....and inside my heart....i'm drowning in a sense, but i will go on....eventually the water will evaporate. even if the tear was just a friends, or wuz mine, or ur own, the tear is still there is it not?? that's the funny thing, the tear is there no matter what....even if it dun belong to you. the only thing you can do to that tear is let it go....not neccessarily cry it out...but let it out...like open it to the sun and let it just evaporate....yeah....kinda superficial, but sumtimes to let go is the only way to solve n e thing. the funny thing is, i wanna let go...but it's as if my lyphe depends on my memories and i cannot let go of the happiness i had....that i no longer have because of the past happiness. hahaha=>:d CAN U REMEMBER THE TIME WHEN I WUZ THE HAPPIEST GURL, WITHOUT A CARE IN THE WORLD AND WUZ ALWAYS SMILING REFLECTING MY TRUE HAPPINESS?!?!? i really think if you thought about it, u'd prolly say either when i wuz in grade 7 or 8, or when i had sumone in my lyphe.....i guess in a sense, you would be quite rite and quite wrong at the same time. when i'm truly happy, most times it's when i'm in my own wolrd with just a lil grin or smirk across my face, not when i'm smilling and laughing out loud. i can honestly say dis....i love you....in whatever way you want...i don't care how peeps take it....think whatever.....
u wanna be in ur own thoughts, not thinking about others....but it's not possible. in your nature...it is to care...and caring is what you do best, even if at times peeps either call you cold or uncaring....the truth is deep down you still care....and if you didn't...being called cold wouldn't hurt. hahaha=>:D dat's how i know i ain't cold....u only wanna defend urself cause u either a) know urself really really well or b) u just dun like peeps calling you cold.....but whatever u are.....u know u ain't cold. i know that u seeing others smile because of ur smile makes u happy....i noe dat...why??? cause dat's da person you are. u sacrifice most of urself to gain that sumthing that you sacrificed....does dat make n e sense??? i know what i'm talking about, but very few, if at all n e actually know. this is a really long thought....it's more of a thought devoted to answering your thoughts.....meh=kinda stupid. in ur entry, it portrays a few feelings. a feeling of confusion which is numba one....a feeling of being lost....a happy feeling, a sad feeling, a kinda bit mad feeling. maybe not so much of da mad part, but u could be soooo confused dat u later become angry. dat's da thing....weird ain't it? sometimes it's worth giving up urself for others...and other times...it just ain't worth it.....all human nature is to betray no matta how loyal the person is....just look at a dog....(not saying ur a dog) a dog, the loyalest friend to the owner, will still betray its owner for a peice of meat if extremely starving. yeah yeah...i know stupid example...but at the moment...it's the only one i have on my head. hahah=>:D i wanna be loyal to all my friends...and i know dat's how u wanna be. and dat's wuz causing all ur controversy in a sense...cause dat's wuz affecting meh at da time. da only way u know how to treat sumones ups or down is to let urself go and wait for it to come bak to you in a sense. sometimes dis method is affective...other times, it's not. truthfully.....i've lost soo much of myself because i let myself go. i gave myself to everyone....hoping in return that they will return bits of them to meh or myself bak to meh....but dey dun. makes meh hurt more at times...at times i become stronger...at times...i become extremely weak. lyphe is a never ending rollercoaster that can go through the mountains or just along the side of it.
there is sumthing u wanna say on ur lips??? i believe it's constantly on ur mind or u wouldn't even bother typing it out. by saying u wanna say sumthing to someone can only let the person's imagination run to the wildest extents....trust meh on dat one...i do dat all da time just to keep peeps in suspense. muhahha=>:D the truth comes out either way...in the way u want it to come out or not. so eitha way....it's betta to not say u have sumthing to tell sometimes. muhahah=>:D
yeahyeah....dis thought is kinda long and kinda stupid....sollie for dat....well whateva....come bak whenever u wanna....i dun really post muchie n e more...but whatever.....hahaha=>:D l8a la.....
u say u'll be fine....but the truth is.....u really are not.....
in a sense it's harsh....but it's da same dat goes with meh.....i say i'm fine, but deep down inside....u noe u still lack something
as a christian, that lacking and longing for sumthing should be filled by GOD, and if it is not....there are only 2 possiblities to this 1 situation......a) u are either knowing GOD and am applying him in ur lyphe, but not enuff.....or b) u really just claim to have him in ur emptiness. i noe by my choice...i'm choice b. i claim to have him in my emptiness....yet i still want more, cause i also don't apply....muhahah=>:D stupid aye?!?!? either choice relates to each other in a sense....muhahaha=>:D
in a sense it's harsh....but it's da same dat goes with meh.....i say i'm fine, but deep down inside....u noe u still lack something
as a christian, that lacking and longing for sumthing should be filled by GOD, and if it is not....there are only 2 possiblities to this 1 situation......a) u are either knowing GOD and am applying him in ur lyphe, but not enuff.....or b) u really just claim to have him in ur emptiness. i noe by my choice...i'm choice b. i claim to have him in my emptiness....yet i still want more, cause i also don't apply....muhahah=>:D stupid aye?!?!? either choice relates to each other in a sense....muhahaha=>:D
last nite i had a dream.....actually two......both equally as scary.....
sighs....
first one......all i haveta tell u is dat my ex....said he never loved meh.....arg....sighs. he never loved meh?!?!? i dun gets it....why now?!?!?
second one....i died. dat's all u haveta noe....u dun need da details of my dreams....all u need to noe is dat well.....dat's my dreams.
so yeah....sigh sigh...
what do dey mean???
why did i wake up crying??? sighs....so very scary....
are my worst worries confirmed???
or is dis just another test?!?!?
what am i supposed to do???
well my response, i'm just gonna try to ignore em even doe dey disturb meh
disturbance....in da mind or in da soul??? where does it originate?!?!? arg...scary scary thoughts...
i'm just not ever gonna speak of dis...if n e one reads dis....so what....it's alritez...no problems...
l8a ya'll
sighs....
first one......all i haveta tell u is dat my ex....said he never loved meh.....arg....sighs. he never loved meh?!?!? i dun gets it....why now?!?!?
second one....i died. dat's all u haveta noe....u dun need da details of my dreams....all u need to noe is dat well.....dat's my dreams.
so yeah....sigh sigh...
what do dey mean???
why did i wake up crying??? sighs....so very scary....
are my worst worries confirmed???
or is dis just another test?!?!?
what am i supposed to do???
well my response, i'm just gonna try to ignore em even doe dey disturb meh
disturbance....in da mind or in da soul??? where does it originate?!?!? arg...scary scary thoughts...
i'm just not ever gonna speak of dis...if n e one reads dis....so what....it's alritez...no problems...
l8a ya'll
Friday, May 23, 2003
here, one thought at a time, i guess i never think one at a time....it's more like everything at one time....but it's alritez...
hahaha=>:D it's kinda funnay....i'm alritez....i'm just typing. what i notice is dis.....if u are not a very smiley person, you should not try to smile. smiling should come naturally. i swear.....if u were truly happy.....u will smile and not notice it. i noe i mite sound harsh, but i've gone through that phase....and i suppose i'm going through it again. i cannot tell if i'm happy, or if i'm not happy....it wuz a stage i just called being semi-happy....or in ur terms....happyish. hahaha=>:d u make meh feel soo special. hahahha=>:D i mean dat muchie to u?!?!? aw....u make meh blush.....^o.o^.......u prolly wun even get da face....muhahahahehehehe=>:D but let's see.....da ^^ are de eyes....da oo are the eyes, and the . is the nose....muhahhaha so meh looking like dis rite now......really brite pinkish cheeks...hahaha=>:D it's all kool. hehehe=>:D well what i see is dat GOD gave u a smile....u dun haveta try to force it. dat proves dat u ain't feeling totally happy.....or at least dere's still sumthing dat constantly plagues ur mind. i noe dere is still sumthing dat plagues my mind always....all da time....constantly plagues my mind, but den again....everything will be fine with time. muhahaha....it's alritez. we want you to smile. but forcing a smile takes alot of phsychological mind power.....it takes alot of energy too. we want you to smile....only if it reflects ur true smile.......da worst thing than having a no smile is a smile which is fake. so yeah....decide if ur happy....and if ur happy....show it. doing sumthing you enjoy automatically makes u smile. trust meh on dat one. no one really believes meh, no one ever really takes my words on stuff....why don't dey?!?!? dey all sooo evil.....grrr.....oh wellz...it's alritez.....
well whatever u choose to do, sabby'll always be dere....always......and once my mind is set, it is set.....even if it ain't rite...and unless u can prove meh extremely wrong...den well i wun change. it must take greater strength to change my mind set, but let's not get into dat. no one wants to hear bout meh n e ways, so yeah....it's alrites....muhahaha=>:d it's all kool....hehehe=>:D hugs and kisses.....hehehe=>:D haven't given a hug to peeps for a long time now....nor do i really want to...sighs sighs....oh wellz...l8a
hahaha=>:D it's kinda funnay....i'm alritez....i'm just typing. what i notice is dis.....if u are not a very smiley person, you should not try to smile. smiling should come naturally. i swear.....if u were truly happy.....u will smile and not notice it. i noe i mite sound harsh, but i've gone through that phase....and i suppose i'm going through it again. i cannot tell if i'm happy, or if i'm not happy....it wuz a stage i just called being semi-happy....or in ur terms....happyish. hahaha=>:d u make meh feel soo special. hahahha=>:D i mean dat muchie to u?!?!? aw....u make meh blush.....^o.o^.......u prolly wun even get da face....muhahahahehehehe=>:D but let's see.....da ^^ are de eyes....da oo are the eyes, and the . is the nose....muhahhaha so meh looking like dis rite now......really brite pinkish cheeks...hahaha=>:D it's all kool. hehehe=>:D well what i see is dat GOD gave u a smile....u dun haveta try to force it. dat proves dat u ain't feeling totally happy.....or at least dere's still sumthing dat constantly plagues ur mind. i noe dere is still sumthing dat plagues my mind always....all da time....constantly plagues my mind, but den again....everything will be fine with time. muhahaha....it's alritez. we want you to smile. but forcing a smile takes alot of phsychological mind power.....it takes alot of energy too. we want you to smile....only if it reflects ur true smile.......da worst thing than having a no smile is a smile which is fake. so yeah....decide if ur happy....and if ur happy....show it. doing sumthing you enjoy automatically makes u smile. trust meh on dat one. no one really believes meh, no one ever really takes my words on stuff....why don't dey?!?!? dey all sooo evil.....grrr.....oh wellz...it's alritez.....
well whatever u choose to do, sabby'll always be dere....always......and once my mind is set, it is set.....even if it ain't rite...and unless u can prove meh extremely wrong...den well i wun change. it must take greater strength to change my mind set, but let's not get into dat. no one wants to hear bout meh n e ways, so yeah....it's alrites....muhahaha=>:d it's all kool....hehehe=>:D hugs and kisses.....hehehe=>:D haven't given a hug to peeps for a long time now....nor do i really want to...sighs sighs....oh wellz...l8a
Thursday, May 22, 2003
i have no clue what i'm writing.....
i guess i've become an introvert. i no longer permit myself to talk....to speak...to express.
i long to write all my thoughts on line......as if i cannot speak....as if i cannot express....
i don't hear or listen n e more....
i am just here why?!?!? because i am not permitted to die
i've never had such a strong urge to go over dose myself with medicated drugs.
sighs......
my parents say i'm cold....am i dat cold person?!?!? am i?!?!
i do noe who i am, and to myself....i do not consider myself cold. i guess my parents expect more to meh..
expectations.....why do we haveta have em???
this world is full of hate and a lack of love.....why should i add to the amount of hate out there in the ocean of the world??
should i not add to the lack??? but love is not lacking...it's everywhere....in small amounts....there's just a larger longing and need of it. sighs sighs. i say i'm happy.....i look happy.....i act happy, but am i truly happy???? am i not made to be happy?!? why can i not feel???
controversial thoughts.....
my parents say that i dunno how to be a human....i don't know how to reason.....is that true??? do i not noe how to reason??? do i not know how to be a human??? i suppose it's true....since i hate humanity.....dere's just soo much bad stuff in it....maybe it's just cause i'm a super pessimist....maybe i am...and maybe i aint....well i have no clue...nothing can help....i still feel crumby n e ways....but i'm happy.....if i wuzn't happy.....i wouldn't be able to think happy thoughts....i am happy....hahaha
well whateva....l8a
i guess i've become an introvert. i no longer permit myself to talk....to speak...to express.
i long to write all my thoughts on line......as if i cannot speak....as if i cannot express....
i don't hear or listen n e more....
i am just here why?!?!? because i am not permitted to die
i've never had such a strong urge to go over dose myself with medicated drugs.
sighs......
my parents say i'm cold....am i dat cold person?!?!? am i?!?!
i do noe who i am, and to myself....i do not consider myself cold. i guess my parents expect more to meh..
expectations.....why do we haveta have em???
this world is full of hate and a lack of love.....why should i add to the amount of hate out there in the ocean of the world??
should i not add to the lack??? but love is not lacking...it's everywhere....in small amounts....there's just a larger longing and need of it. sighs sighs. i say i'm happy.....i look happy.....i act happy, but am i truly happy???? am i not made to be happy?!? why can i not feel???
controversial thoughts.....
my parents say that i dunno how to be a human....i don't know how to reason.....is that true??? do i not noe how to reason??? do i not know how to be a human??? i suppose it's true....since i hate humanity.....dere's just soo much bad stuff in it....maybe it's just cause i'm a super pessimist....maybe i am...and maybe i aint....well i have no clue...nothing can help....i still feel crumby n e ways....but i'm happy.....if i wuzn't happy.....i wouldn't be able to think happy thoughts....i am happy....hahaha
well whateva....l8a
Wednesday, May 21, 2003
i meant to write sumthing earlier for you, but i couldn't find da right words to say....
hahaha=>:D ere is what i say.......u seem to have lost all direction in lyphe....well at least just in skool
dis is what i say, motivation doesn't come from lyphe. it does not come love, it does not come from happiness. motivation comes within one self. the oneself with GOD. does dat make n e sense?!?!? well u say only one person dat u noe reads ur thoughts.....i really dun believe soo......like every now and then.....everyone reads mine....at least dey pop questions to cheer meh up cause dey read my thoughts. yes....sometimes it dun help...but dat ain't da point.
i wanna help you with ur motivation problem, but i can't help as much as i want.
i just want you to noe.....everyone'll be here for ya....yupz yupz....sure will.....peeps will be running to ya when in times dat u thought u had no one. it's miraculous in dat matter. yupz yupz....sollie bout dat. hahaha=>:D
ur happy now....hehehe=>:D YAYAYA.........and for meh.....i'm still waiting....waiting for everything.....perservering through everything.....maybe just to gain experience, maybe cause in a way i dunno how to face lyphe without such thoughts. i wait....but i am content and satisfied....i smile and i grin reflecting my true self...the self that cannot permit unhappiness. yupz yupz. well so yeah.....my thoughts are always soo long...so very long. hahaha=>:D so meh going now...l8z peeps yo.....luv yaz
hahaha=>:D ere is what i say.......u seem to have lost all direction in lyphe....well at least just in skool
dis is what i say, motivation doesn't come from lyphe. it does not come love, it does not come from happiness. motivation comes within one self. the oneself with GOD. does dat make n e sense?!?!? well u say only one person dat u noe reads ur thoughts.....i really dun believe soo......like every now and then.....everyone reads mine....at least dey pop questions to cheer meh up cause dey read my thoughts. yes....sometimes it dun help...but dat ain't da point.
i wanna help you with ur motivation problem, but i can't help as much as i want.
i just want you to noe.....everyone'll be here for ya....yupz yupz....sure will.....peeps will be running to ya when in times dat u thought u had no one. it's miraculous in dat matter. yupz yupz....sollie bout dat. hahaha=>:D
ur happy now....hehehe=>:D YAYAYA.........and for meh.....i'm still waiting....waiting for everything.....perservering through everything.....maybe just to gain experience, maybe cause in a way i dunno how to face lyphe without such thoughts. i wait....but i am content and satisfied....i smile and i grin reflecting my true self...the self that cannot permit unhappiness. yupz yupz. well so yeah.....my thoughts are always soo long...so very long. hahaha=>:D so meh going now...l8z peeps yo.....luv yaz
Tuesday, May 20, 2003
due to the question of a person, i've gone bak to thinking in my own lil world.
"what would you do if dat person were to come bak? would u open up ur arms and bring da trouble?"
i suppose if u put it dat way, i am trouble, even if i dun intend myself to be. i know i will always bring da memories bak, da pain hurts again. I really don't want it to. i would openly greet him with my arms stretched wide.....but what if he dun want it?!?!? Each time i look into dat person's eyes, i hurt once more....so how can that person not feel it unless he really actually doesn't care bout meh at all??? i swear......if he leaves...maybe it's for the best of us. when he comes bak....he'll prolly have forgotten meh.....i swear.....u mite not think it's possible, but i would rather just leave everything and give it all...if dat's what he wants to be happy....
if dat person wants to forget meh, all da times we shared, everything that i hold dear to my heart....then, i'm willing to sacrifice all dat. i will never forget, dat's just cause i'm not dat kinda person.....all i will do is just let him forget. i will never bring myself bak into his lyphe....nor do i want him in mine....but subcousiously....we all noe i do.
another scenario
what if he open armed greeted meh???
dat's not likely. peeps move on. let's all see....a year comes and goes..... some peeps....such as myself, are emotionally stubborn. i'm da worst types. i never actually truly move on....no matta how i wanna.....i try with all my mite, but i just can't...
if he openly greeted meh bak...what would be my reaction???? i've never thought of that.....i can only dream of it happening.
he asked to be friends, but what we have now is below what i call friendship. i never actually told him this cause i noe he wun wanna listen. it's da funniest thing u see....he says he loves to listen, but he never actually does. actually.....alot of peeps can hear...but none actually listen. i swear....dis world is almost all half deaf.....yeah...i said almost all......contridictory in english grammar...sollie bout dat. dere are a few dat actually hear and listen at the same time. dey never listen to the meaning behind the words being spoken, and when they do, they translate it well. what i find is the most preticular thing. those that speak well normally tend to listen betta...but are incapable of actually hearing well.....so therefore...those are peeps u make sit down with you and have a talk. there are also those that are great hearers but are horrible listeners....it's cause dey dun really care and dun have da heart to listen to the exact words....dey just wanna go on with their own lyphe. yet again, there are those that are all of the above....love to hear, love to listen, love to talk. they are great at all three...may not be in front of large crowds, but they love to talk and listen and hear. yes...to meh....listening and hearing are separate things....dey involve many of the same skills, but one more skill is needed in listening.
WHICH TYPE OF PERSON ARE YOU?!?!? maybe u need to improve on one of dese skills to master the art of being the greatest friend....
yet again i notice sumthing fully shocking. YOU ARE SELFISH NO MATTA HOW U TRY TO DENY IT. everyone is constantly thinking of oneself before others. this is in fact very true. i've noticed it within others....and then through close self- investigation...have noticed the same thing within myself. i love to care, it's just my nature....but by nature.....some of the motives for caring are self-centered. people say thing sub-conciously.....they mite not mean what it is directly, but by indirect words says what they truly deep down acknowledge and feel. for example, pointing the fingers bak at myself, loneliness.....i always feel that....and in a sense....i always ask "why dun others feel like i do?" and in everything i say and do, i reflect this characteristic. yes, many do not notice this trait, but in reflection i find that this is often times true. bak to the point, everyone is selfish. just as today, da parents who care for meh the most, my family, were all trying to help me by "protecting" meh from peeps. yes in a sense, i noe they were only caring, but in a sense....they're being selfish....they protect meh cause they don't want meh to like be unhappy....they can't stand it....they can't stand me being around certain peeps....they can't stand that i'm growing up. i guess most of this selfishness in everyone is due to the fact of change. change is always constant. infact, change is the only thing that is ever constant and ever present. lyphe is change within itself. well whatever.....too deep for many now...so meh signing off for the nite.....
"what would you do if dat person were to come bak? would u open up ur arms and bring da trouble?"
i suppose if u put it dat way, i am trouble, even if i dun intend myself to be. i know i will always bring da memories bak, da pain hurts again. I really don't want it to. i would openly greet him with my arms stretched wide.....but what if he dun want it?!?!? Each time i look into dat person's eyes, i hurt once more....so how can that person not feel it unless he really actually doesn't care bout meh at all??? i swear......if he leaves...maybe it's for the best of us. when he comes bak....he'll prolly have forgotten meh.....i swear.....u mite not think it's possible, but i would rather just leave everything and give it all...if dat's what he wants to be happy....
if dat person wants to forget meh, all da times we shared, everything that i hold dear to my heart....then, i'm willing to sacrifice all dat. i will never forget, dat's just cause i'm not dat kinda person.....all i will do is just let him forget. i will never bring myself bak into his lyphe....nor do i want him in mine....but subcousiously....we all noe i do.
another scenario
what if he open armed greeted meh???
dat's not likely. peeps move on. let's all see....a year comes and goes..... some peeps....such as myself, are emotionally stubborn. i'm da worst types. i never actually truly move on....no matta how i wanna.....i try with all my mite, but i just can't...
if he openly greeted meh bak...what would be my reaction???? i've never thought of that.....i can only dream of it happening.
he asked to be friends, but what we have now is below what i call friendship. i never actually told him this cause i noe he wun wanna listen. it's da funniest thing u see....he says he loves to listen, but he never actually does. actually.....alot of peeps can hear...but none actually listen. i swear....dis world is almost all half deaf.....yeah...i said almost all......contridictory in english grammar...sollie bout dat. dere are a few dat actually hear and listen at the same time. dey never listen to the meaning behind the words being spoken, and when they do, they translate it well. what i find is the most preticular thing. those that speak well normally tend to listen betta...but are incapable of actually hearing well.....so therefore...those are peeps u make sit down with you and have a talk. there are also those that are great hearers but are horrible listeners....it's cause dey dun really care and dun have da heart to listen to the exact words....dey just wanna go on with their own lyphe. yet again, there are those that are all of the above....love to hear, love to listen, love to talk. they are great at all three...may not be in front of large crowds, but they love to talk and listen and hear. yes...to meh....listening and hearing are separate things....dey involve many of the same skills, but one more skill is needed in listening.
WHICH TYPE OF PERSON ARE YOU?!?!? maybe u need to improve on one of dese skills to master the art of being the greatest friend....
yet again i notice sumthing fully shocking. YOU ARE SELFISH NO MATTA HOW U TRY TO DENY IT. everyone is constantly thinking of oneself before others. this is in fact very true. i've noticed it within others....and then through close self- investigation...have noticed the same thing within myself. i love to care, it's just my nature....but by nature.....some of the motives for caring are self-centered. people say thing sub-conciously.....they mite not mean what it is directly, but by indirect words says what they truly deep down acknowledge and feel. for example, pointing the fingers bak at myself, loneliness.....i always feel that....and in a sense....i always ask "why dun others feel like i do?" and in everything i say and do, i reflect this characteristic. yes, many do not notice this trait, but in reflection i find that this is often times true. bak to the point, everyone is selfish. just as today, da parents who care for meh the most, my family, were all trying to help me by "protecting" meh from peeps. yes in a sense, i noe they were only caring, but in a sense....they're being selfish....they protect meh cause they don't want meh to like be unhappy....they can't stand it....they can't stand me being around certain peeps....they can't stand that i'm growing up. i guess most of this selfishness in everyone is due to the fact of change. change is always constant. infact, change is the only thing that is ever constant and ever present. lyphe is change within itself. well whatever.....too deep for many now...so meh signing off for the nite.....
Monday, May 19, 2003
man...i haven't blogged for a long time, i've been too sick....
oh wellz...i'm fine...hahaha=>:D
i collapsed yesterday....didn't eat....soo stupid...soo stupid....sigh sigh....
finally noe what i lost....no way to gain bak....
reality has hit meh....
i feel fine...
i'll just move on and see where da road i take gets meh...
muhahaha
so yeah....meh frustrated...meh can't focus...
really love things and peeps...
yet time and time again...i get betrayed and hurt....so yeah.....
yupz yupz....
i hope i dun ever like collapse....
even doe it just hurt alot...but it's fine....
dat wuz soo disgusting....if my hurt pumped n e faster.....
i wouldda had like a heart attack or sumthing.....
grrr.......
oh wellz....no one really reads my thoughts.....no one actually really cares...
oh wellz
l8a peeps.....
can i say i love u??? will u accept it??? aw but gee doe....wo bu zhi dao......
oh wellz...i'm fine...hahaha=>:D
i collapsed yesterday....didn't eat....soo stupid...soo stupid....sigh sigh....
finally noe what i lost....no way to gain bak....
reality has hit meh....
i feel fine...
i'll just move on and see where da road i take gets meh...
muhahaha
so yeah....meh frustrated...meh can't focus...
really love things and peeps...
yet time and time again...i get betrayed and hurt....so yeah.....
yupz yupz....
i hope i dun ever like collapse....
even doe it just hurt alot...but it's fine....
dat wuz soo disgusting....if my hurt pumped n e faster.....
i wouldda had like a heart attack or sumthing.....
grrr.......
oh wellz....no one really reads my thoughts.....no one actually really cares...
oh wellz
l8a peeps.....
can i say i love u??? will u accept it??? aw but gee doe....wo bu zhi dao......
Thursday, May 15, 2003
meh too tired today.....
decisions....is dat da talk of da day??? decisions....everyone hasta make em....
money really ain't a issue here doe. so yeah....it's where ur heart or GOD is taking you. even if u choose da wrong path, GOd'll always lead u through.
well yeah.....sick rite now....can't cough.....sore throat....can't focus cause my eyes hurt....i have a big headache.....and a stomache crap. arg.....oh wellz...meh tired....ain't thinking bout much....so yeah....whateva...
wanna talk to meh....
just message meh....
think you can help meh???? think twice before u speak to meh....
i dun need ur pity.....i dun need ur critizism....what i need from u is ur love....
which in ur love comes honesty and truth....unless u really dun love meh at all.....
which many peeps have not.....
i dunno.....i guess ur rite......my love is eternal and everlasting. i may become mad at you....i mite "hate" you for a while....but in de end.....my love for n e one will shine through. i guess dat's just meh....i get hurt cause i can love....and i am able to say i can...but i guess da lesson here is dat i haveta admit it to my parents.....
am i cold?!?!? is dat what everyone thinks??? am i too emotional?!?!? is dat what everyone thinks?!?!? arg!!!!! i'm frustrated...lost in my thoughts....lost in my world....drifting further and further away from reality....i see the light...but i'm sinking lower and lower into the water........save meh from this drowning......but i just can't float....sighs.....
decisions....is dat da talk of da day??? decisions....everyone hasta make em....
money really ain't a issue here doe. so yeah....it's where ur heart or GOD is taking you. even if u choose da wrong path, GOd'll always lead u through.
well yeah.....sick rite now....can't cough.....sore throat....can't focus cause my eyes hurt....i have a big headache.....and a stomache crap. arg.....oh wellz...meh tired....ain't thinking bout much....so yeah....whateva...
wanna talk to meh....
just message meh....
think you can help meh???? think twice before u speak to meh....
i dun need ur pity.....i dun need ur critizism....what i need from u is ur love....
which in ur love comes honesty and truth....unless u really dun love meh at all.....
which many peeps have not.....
i dunno.....i guess ur rite......my love is eternal and everlasting. i may become mad at you....i mite "hate" you for a while....but in de end.....my love for n e one will shine through. i guess dat's just meh....i get hurt cause i can love....and i am able to say i can...but i guess da lesson here is dat i haveta admit it to my parents.....
am i cold?!?!? is dat what everyone thinks??? am i too emotional?!?!? is dat what everyone thinks?!?!? arg!!!!! i'm frustrated...lost in my thoughts....lost in my world....drifting further and further away from reality....i see the light...but i'm sinking lower and lower into the water........save meh from this drowning......but i just can't float....sighs.....
Wednesday, May 14, 2003
arg!!!!! going insane....da reason why i dun tell n e one my problems is because of dis...
but yet i still ran to you....why?!?!? cause i needed someone to run to...
arg....shit man....can't u see.....dat's not what i wnat!!!! i dun want u to say i need to change....
yeah....i noe i need to change....
can't u see....dat's what i can't take....everyone dat dun see da whole meh and just tells meh i haveta change...
frick dis....total bs...arg!!!!
but yet i still ran to you....why?!?!? cause i needed someone to run to...
arg....shit man....can't u see.....dat's not what i wnat!!!! i dun want u to say i need to change....
yeah....i noe i need to change....
can't u see....dat's what i can't take....everyone dat dun see da whole meh and just tells meh i haveta change...
frick dis....total bs...arg!!!!
Tuesday, May 13, 2003
everyone and everything changes....i guess i've just gotta accept dat. arg!!!! i hate reality.....
in life...dere is no truth, besides one, death itself. arg!!!!!
hate everything!!! going insane again!!!! bri boi.....hope u stay happy......dis here be one of da most unstable lil gurlies u noe ar......ahhhhhh!!!!!! meh going insane...from what?!?!?!
cross between love, hate, anger, sadness, and want. arg!!!! arg!!!! no peace at heart which should be obtained from being a true christian....guess dat describes meh for ya....a christian dat ain't too true. arg!!!!! save meh from living hell?!?!?! arg!!! going insane...very insane.....why?!?!?! arg!!!!! well gotsta go to sleep now...l8a!!! arg!!!!! i'm not unhappy, but i ain't happy either....rite now....i'm just frustrated...frustrated with what??? everything dat lyphe hasta offer.....i reject all....i love all love, hate all hate, but at da same time....i scorn love, and i embrace hatred....damn....why am i so controversial?!?!?
shit dude.....wuz happenning to meh?!?!? i can't even think straight n e more!!! i think i really need sum like help....arg!!!
it's funnay...as i've said to a few.....dos dat actually read my thoughts....will prolly know meh more den my parents, my "friends" and maybe even myself. through everything dat u see.....or read......u may analyze me and find out something u never new about meh....but no one cares all dat much to actually pay attention to dis depressing, emotionally unstable gurly.....so yeah....dun give a care to the world for da world dun give a shit bout meh......but to da selected few......GOD gives miracles and sends signs after the storm....so yeah...whateva...l8a
in life...dere is no truth, besides one, death itself. arg!!!!!
hate everything!!! going insane again!!!! bri boi.....hope u stay happy......dis here be one of da most unstable lil gurlies u noe ar......ahhhhhh!!!!!! meh going insane...from what?!?!?!
cross between love, hate, anger, sadness, and want. arg!!!! arg!!!! no peace at heart which should be obtained from being a true christian....guess dat describes meh for ya....a christian dat ain't too true. arg!!!!! save meh from living hell?!?!?! arg!!! going insane...very insane.....why?!?!?! arg!!!!! well gotsta go to sleep now...l8a!!! arg!!!!! i'm not unhappy, but i ain't happy either....rite now....i'm just frustrated...frustrated with what??? everything dat lyphe hasta offer.....i reject all....i love all love, hate all hate, but at da same time....i scorn love, and i embrace hatred....damn....why am i so controversial?!?!?
shit dude.....wuz happenning to meh?!?!? i can't even think straight n e more!!! i think i really need sum like help....arg!!!
it's funnay...as i've said to a few.....dos dat actually read my thoughts....will prolly know meh more den my parents, my "friends" and maybe even myself. through everything dat u see.....or read......u may analyze me and find out something u never new about meh....but no one cares all dat much to actually pay attention to dis depressing, emotionally unstable gurly.....so yeah....dun give a care to the world for da world dun give a shit bout meh......but to da selected few......GOD gives miracles and sends signs after the storm....so yeah...whateva...l8a
one taught meh to love.....the other taught meh to apply love.
i still have both.....
but i've also learnt sumthing......
learnt to hate.....
i hate love, but love to love. hahaha=>:D make sense???? sure does...
u hate the concept of it....but to apply it makes u feel betta. makes meh feel betta at least
hahaha=.:D
controversial feelings. feelings are always like dat.....never make sense....even if dey do.....it's not clear...
i dunno what i'm saying...it's just on da top of my mind....i just liked to express it....dunno why.
i still love the one that taught meh to love....and love the one dat taught meh to apply love even more. muhahaha=>:D but den again....i ain't giving em n e credit for it.....nor do dey noe it. for i almost hate everyone now....i hate the world, besides de accepted few. i wanna love, got burned too many times. too sensitive only cause i'd rather feel dis way den to be cold. so yeah.....whatever. i know what i want....i know what i need.....
i guess some peeps know meh enuff to say things....and den dere are dose dat shouldn't say n e thing at all. do u know which category u fall into?!?!? well either way.....i'll forgive u even if u speak......so dun wollie....meh still love ya.....hahha=>:D but rememba....at da same time i hate you.....hate you all.....muhahahahah
i still have both.....
but i've also learnt sumthing......
learnt to hate.....
i hate love, but love to love. hahaha=>:D make sense???? sure does...
u hate the concept of it....but to apply it makes u feel betta. makes meh feel betta at least
hahaha=.:D
controversial feelings. feelings are always like dat.....never make sense....even if dey do.....it's not clear...
i dunno what i'm saying...it's just on da top of my mind....i just liked to express it....dunno why.
i still love the one that taught meh to love....and love the one dat taught meh to apply love even more. muhahaha=>:D but den again....i ain't giving em n e credit for it.....nor do dey noe it. for i almost hate everyone now....i hate the world, besides de accepted few. i wanna love, got burned too many times. too sensitive only cause i'd rather feel dis way den to be cold. so yeah.....whatever. i know what i want....i know what i need.....
i guess some peeps know meh enuff to say things....and den dere are dose dat shouldn't say n e thing at all. do u know which category u fall into?!?!? well either way.....i'll forgive u even if u speak......so dun wollie....meh still love ya.....hahha=>:D but rememba....at da same time i hate you.....hate you all.....muhahahahah
hahaha=>:D i've been thinking....like i always do.....muhahaha=>:D
i know u didn't imply dat i wuz weak or n e thing....but i sorta took it dat way. muhahaha=>:d mind u., i ain't offended....cause it's kinda reality....kinda da truth. i ain't dat strong...but i ain't dat weak.....just maybe emotionally i am. along the lines like dis...u said........"sabina, u need a guy....dat's what i think....or at least someone dat's able and willing to devote dere time and heart to u." well i can't remember word for word....sumthing along dose lines....and a bit interpreted of course....but yeah....dat's da way i took it to remember. da thing bout dat is....u ain't da first one to tell meh dis stuff.....u ain't da first to ever tell meh dis kinda stuff....but da thing is.....whatever u say like hits meh with more force. whack....oh wellz...
so what??? i guess i ain't as like independant as i used to think i wuz. sigh sigh....i used to pride myself on my lack of emotions as being independant. foolish thing to do aye??? i really wish that everything was the way it used to be. i wish i wuz dat lil gurly without a care in the world. but den again....i still dun have n e thing to care about....i just do cause i can. sigh sigh....
no one wants a pessimistic person......hahaha=>:D dat ain't da problem here.....cause all my friends are just soo damn optimistic dat dey make meh feel like shit all da time. what da hell is up wit dat shit yo?!?!?...dere are tons of pessimistic peeps out dere....and i get to be friends with all da optimistic peeps dat can't handle negative energy. shit man.....my best friend....or at least i used to think wuz my best friend just let meh go. i guess she wuz just way too optimistic to actually help a shit person like meh. arg!!! i'm actually kinda frustrated.....arg!!! she always said dat my being unhappy seemed soo stupid to her....and yeah...it wuz....but dat ain't da point.....she never tried to help meh. she did by listening to meh....but when i needed her to say sumthing.....she didn't...why??? cause i'd been in a depression too long for her to actually noe what to say?!?!? what dat shit bout now?!?!? a phase in lyphe dun always pass by in a wink of an eye. dat brings meh to another topic
perserverance....i guess dat's what she lacked....i guess dat's what alot of peeps lack. dey are unwilling to provide in strength to endure the whole situation as a whole.....or at least da person dey are. you change along da phase....not purposely so you can endure da problem, but change naturally occurs which u do not intend. both spectrums to change.......for the negative...or for the betta....only personal opinion of course. what one may think as a weakness would be the strength to another. dat's da fine balance between things i suppose. there is always a negative and positive outcome, only depending on one self. dese opinions may be influenced by others of course, but hey.....dat's who you are....ur friends really illustrate how you are...or how u wanna become....it's kinda like monkey see monkey do.....or an open window to ur soul. but den again.....those that need help dun actually ever go to seek it....it's da help dat comes looking for em. it mite not make sense now....but hahaha=>:d eventually u may understand if u think enuff bout da damn thought.
bak to perserverance.....no one actually has all da time to endure through everything....if u even come by to read dis thought....then haha.....noe dis.....i'm mad at u gurl.....mad because u didn't say n e thing cause u ran outta things to say cause u were unwilling to help meh cause u stopped trying. yeah...i'm mad i'm frustrated. it's as if da world has let meh go. as if da world has ceased to care. as if everyone just doesn't wanna see da damn truth. perservere to the end....even if the truth is haunting...
everyone including myself is such a bser.....or in other words....liars. hahaha=>:D some peeps....either are too direct and hide dere like real intentions to doing sumthing....or two.....way too polite or shy to say what they want and never say it.....and dey never get what they want unless dose peeps around em are sensitive enuff. way too funnay....way too much analyzing.....muhahaha=>:d and bad analysis here too.......gotta stops doing dat....well yeah....now meh going.....gotsta do sum studying and well like....analyze more stuff......tai hoe seew.....oh wellz......going...l8z....
i know u didn't imply dat i wuz weak or n e thing....but i sorta took it dat way. muhahaha=>:d mind u., i ain't offended....cause it's kinda reality....kinda da truth. i ain't dat strong...but i ain't dat weak.....just maybe emotionally i am. along the lines like dis...u said........"sabina, u need a guy....dat's what i think....or at least someone dat's able and willing to devote dere time and heart to u." well i can't remember word for word....sumthing along dose lines....and a bit interpreted of course....but yeah....dat's da way i took it to remember. da thing bout dat is....u ain't da first one to tell meh dis stuff.....u ain't da first to ever tell meh dis kinda stuff....but da thing is.....whatever u say like hits meh with more force. whack....oh wellz...
so what??? i guess i ain't as like independant as i used to think i wuz. sigh sigh....i used to pride myself on my lack of emotions as being independant. foolish thing to do aye??? i really wish that everything was the way it used to be. i wish i wuz dat lil gurly without a care in the world. but den again....i still dun have n e thing to care about....i just do cause i can. sigh sigh....
no one wants a pessimistic person......hahaha=>:D dat ain't da problem here.....cause all my friends are just soo damn optimistic dat dey make meh feel like shit all da time. what da hell is up wit dat shit yo?!?!?...dere are tons of pessimistic peeps out dere....and i get to be friends with all da optimistic peeps dat can't handle negative energy. shit man.....my best friend....or at least i used to think wuz my best friend just let meh go. i guess she wuz just way too optimistic to actually help a shit person like meh. arg!!! i'm actually kinda frustrated.....arg!!! she always said dat my being unhappy seemed soo stupid to her....and yeah...it wuz....but dat ain't da point.....she never tried to help meh. she did by listening to meh....but when i needed her to say sumthing.....she didn't...why??? cause i'd been in a depression too long for her to actually noe what to say?!?!? what dat shit bout now?!?!? a phase in lyphe dun always pass by in a wink of an eye. dat brings meh to another topic
perserverance....i guess dat's what she lacked....i guess dat's what alot of peeps lack. dey are unwilling to provide in strength to endure the whole situation as a whole.....or at least da person dey are. you change along da phase....not purposely so you can endure da problem, but change naturally occurs which u do not intend. both spectrums to change.......for the negative...or for the betta....only personal opinion of course. what one may think as a weakness would be the strength to another. dat's da fine balance between things i suppose. there is always a negative and positive outcome, only depending on one self. dese opinions may be influenced by others of course, but hey.....dat's who you are....ur friends really illustrate how you are...or how u wanna become....it's kinda like monkey see monkey do.....or an open window to ur soul. but den again.....those that need help dun actually ever go to seek it....it's da help dat comes looking for em. it mite not make sense now....but hahaha=>:d eventually u may understand if u think enuff bout da damn thought.
bak to perserverance.....no one actually has all da time to endure through everything....if u even come by to read dis thought....then haha.....noe dis.....i'm mad at u gurl.....mad because u didn't say n e thing cause u ran outta things to say cause u were unwilling to help meh cause u stopped trying. yeah...i'm mad i'm frustrated. it's as if da world has let meh go. as if da world has ceased to care. as if everyone just doesn't wanna see da damn truth. perservere to the end....even if the truth is haunting...
everyone including myself is such a bser.....or in other words....liars. hahaha=>:D some peeps....either are too direct and hide dere like real intentions to doing sumthing....or two.....way too polite or shy to say what they want and never say it.....and dey never get what they want unless dose peeps around em are sensitive enuff. way too funnay....way too much analyzing.....muhahaha=>:d and bad analysis here too.......gotta stops doing dat....well yeah....now meh going.....gotsta do sum studying and well like....analyze more stuff......tai hoe seew.....oh wellz......going...l8z....
Sunday, May 11, 2003
it's inevitable for meh to feel dis way. dere's no way of stopping it. i can't even explain myself. church is tomorrow...dun wanna go..
i've lost all my meaning in lyphe. i find no enjoyment...no joy at all. the fruits of the spirit are love joy peace patience kindness goodness faithfulness gentleness and self-control. in all of these....i lack all. sighs. i feel so useless, feel aimless...feel soo hopeles.. pain no longer excites me....pains just pain....no matta what form it takes. nothing thrills me.....actually...nothing really does. i do what i do only cause i need to, no other motive den dat....pointlessness....arg!!! everything is soo pointless....
no one can always be here for me.....no one....only GOD, but i dunno.....i guess he's just not soo much in my lyphe as i thought he wuz. sighs. physically i really need sumone...i'm weak....so derefore i should rely on him more, but i dun....i've ran far far away.
i'm afraid....afraid of fear itself.....afraid of finding hope...afraid of loosing all hope...AFRAID.
i've lost all my meaning in lyphe. i find no enjoyment...no joy at all. the fruits of the spirit are love joy peace patience kindness goodness faithfulness gentleness and self-control. in all of these....i lack all. sighs. i feel so useless, feel aimless...feel soo hopeles.. pain no longer excites me....pains just pain....no matta what form it takes. nothing thrills me.....actually...nothing really does. i do what i do only cause i need to, no other motive den dat....pointlessness....arg!!! everything is soo pointless....
no one can always be here for me.....no one....only GOD, but i dunno.....i guess he's just not soo much in my lyphe as i thought he wuz. sighs. physically i really need sumone...i'm weak....so derefore i should rely on him more, but i dun....i've ran far far away.
i'm afraid....afraid of fear itself.....afraid of finding hope...afraid of loosing all hope...AFRAID.
Saturday, May 10, 2003
man, i feel stupid.....hahahah=>:D
i guess i'll say i wuz just feeling kinda desparate to be heard and not critisized.
yeah....i really believe so...considering dat everyone dat hears my thoughts only says i should change and be happy....
hahha=>:D i guess i proved my skool friends wrong.......dey all think i'm fine....a smile goes here and dere....den a look of painful sorrow, but dey never notice. my eyes are hollow, like i child craving food because of starvation. i almost broke down in the guidance office.....i wuz shaking all over.....i know i needed help....and if i can't find da help i need....why not run to an adult dat's already been through what i'm going through. hahaha=.:d man....i pick da funniest peeps to help meh.....my guidance counsellor is going through da same thing as meh....dat's da hillarious thing. man.... da aimlessness, da hopelessness will never be filled by any human means....and all i need is GOD.
i wuz a fellowship yesterday....it wuz actually going to be a good lil message. but meh??? i hate church.....i despise myself....i despise everything going on in my church. i love everyone of my youth fellowship...dun get meh wrong....but i really need a change of surroundings. maybe i'm just running away from my problems instead of facing em....but maybe starting all over again would be nice for me. i am never able to achieve what i want....i'm a failure. everyone's a failure.....no one can add up to what dey should. dat's what expectations are i suppose. u always expect more, but never able to achieve da more part of ur expectations.
i've been there, done dat.....too much funky crap. i've had tons of expectations, always never able to fulfill em......made meh feel like nothing at all.....or at least sumthing there dat can't be used......den, i've had no expectations except just to be.....and i suppose i failed that expectation too. which is betta??? a gurl who has no courage to run to peeps and talk about the problems in her mind or one who has the courage to talk about her problems??? i've been both the courageous and coward. the thing i have never been able to change is the thinking part of it. i twist everything deeper than it should be.....but in this world...if everyone wuz soo mindless dat dey never thought much deeper, den u would never find fault. never be realistic. da thing about meh....i'm too realistic. i'm a born pessimistic. to the point of extreme pessimist......dat's da thing......GOD created meh to be happy......with him. and yet time and time again....it's not dat i dun love GOD, i just dun wanna be dere. dun wanna be in da house of GOD. i feel soo unworthy of HIS love. i am unable to love myself, how is sumone supposed to be able to love me???? asking dat question really just broke meh down. really it did. tears fill my eyes. everyone's selfish.....dat's just human nature. dey always think of self first....even if it's just subconsciously.
i'm a miserable christian. sighs sighs. i ask dis all da time and i'm unable to answer it for myself.......what differs meh from a natural born sinner and a sinner with GOD?!?!?!.....to meh....i dun believe dere is a diff with meh. da only diff is dat i am suicidal......but i will never cross the line. i'm stubborn.....born dat way. runs in da family. guess i'm a spoiled brat mind you......if i can't get one thing in a certain way.....i'll get it somehow even if it takes all my effort and strength.
hahaha=>:D funnay.....way too funnay......i'm a split person......da reason being cause i'm too emotional. i used to think i wuz soo strong.....able to carry a lil load off peeps......now....i can't even handle my own. no one runs to meh with dere problems n e more.....only like one. and i guess i cause more problems for da person dat runs to meh for help is one cause he's kept meh in his heart and da other he honestly treats meh like a really really good friend.....like very tite brother and sis. hahaha=>:D yeah...cheers meh up to know how our friendship has developed. muhahaha=>:D i have a sister dat wuz born into my blood family, but i never run to her. i just can't......i am untrusting....even doe i noe my family are da peeps i can always trust cause dey love meh....even if i dun love myself.
hahaha=.:d funnay aye??? no one in church notices my emptiness through my eyes....or they do, but dey dun care enuff to ask me wuz wrong. there are those that can't even see meh and they seem to care more. geez......i thought we were brother and sisters in christ......sighs.
my thoughts are very very depressing....why???? cause most of dese things are observations dat i see. hahaha=>:d physchologist aye??? my aim??? hahaha=>:d can't even handle to just see peeps. man.....hahaha=.:D way too funnay. i trusted too many peeps....loved too much......cared too much....now.....i hate....hate and distrust runs everywhere. arg!!!!! i can't say i hate to extent of i would kill em....dun get meh wrong.....u noe dat feeling when u hate sumthing??? well i have dat feeling towards everything, but it's a feeling....and deep down inside.....i wanna love, but my love isn't as strong as the feeling. sighs sighs.
one thing as being a christian is the need to pray, to ask GOD for sumthing.......
the thing about this is dat i always seem to just be asking, asking, asking. i never recieve why??? cause maybe i have and just never notice it. another.....really......i'm a sinner....a sinner who needs GOD.....desparately needing, but i've lost this feeling....lost the love i first felt when i believed GOD. i've known GOD for my entire lyphe.....i know enuff to take meh high enuff, but dat's not da point.....i suppose i need to start all over again. i know much, but knowledge ain't much. knowledge, wisdom, everything, without GOD is meaningless. meaningless!!!! i guess i have a new pray now....a new aim for life.....sighs sighs...
leaving my thoughts for a while....to sort out stuff....arg!!!! well meh going....l8a.....
i guess i'll say i wuz just feeling kinda desparate to be heard and not critisized.
yeah....i really believe so...considering dat everyone dat hears my thoughts only says i should change and be happy....
hahha=>:D i guess i proved my skool friends wrong.......dey all think i'm fine....a smile goes here and dere....den a look of painful sorrow, but dey never notice. my eyes are hollow, like i child craving food because of starvation. i almost broke down in the guidance office.....i wuz shaking all over.....i know i needed help....and if i can't find da help i need....why not run to an adult dat's already been through what i'm going through. hahaha=.:d man....i pick da funniest peeps to help meh.....my guidance counsellor is going through da same thing as meh....dat's da hillarious thing. man.... da aimlessness, da hopelessness will never be filled by any human means....and all i need is GOD.
i wuz a fellowship yesterday....it wuz actually going to be a good lil message. but meh??? i hate church.....i despise myself....i despise everything going on in my church. i love everyone of my youth fellowship...dun get meh wrong....but i really need a change of surroundings. maybe i'm just running away from my problems instead of facing em....but maybe starting all over again would be nice for me. i am never able to achieve what i want....i'm a failure. everyone's a failure.....no one can add up to what dey should. dat's what expectations are i suppose. u always expect more, but never able to achieve da more part of ur expectations.
i've been there, done dat.....too much funky crap. i've had tons of expectations, always never able to fulfill em......made meh feel like nothing at all.....or at least sumthing there dat can't be used......den, i've had no expectations except just to be.....and i suppose i failed that expectation too. which is betta??? a gurl who has no courage to run to peeps and talk about the problems in her mind or one who has the courage to talk about her problems??? i've been both the courageous and coward. the thing i have never been able to change is the thinking part of it. i twist everything deeper than it should be.....but in this world...if everyone wuz soo mindless dat dey never thought much deeper, den u would never find fault. never be realistic. da thing about meh....i'm too realistic. i'm a born pessimistic. to the point of extreme pessimist......dat's da thing......GOD created meh to be happy......with him. and yet time and time again....it's not dat i dun love GOD, i just dun wanna be dere. dun wanna be in da house of GOD. i feel soo unworthy of HIS love. i am unable to love myself, how is sumone supposed to be able to love me???? asking dat question really just broke meh down. really it did. tears fill my eyes. everyone's selfish.....dat's just human nature. dey always think of self first....even if it's just subconsciously.
i'm a miserable christian. sighs sighs. i ask dis all da time and i'm unable to answer it for myself.......what differs meh from a natural born sinner and a sinner with GOD?!?!?!.....to meh....i dun believe dere is a diff with meh. da only diff is dat i am suicidal......but i will never cross the line. i'm stubborn.....born dat way. runs in da family. guess i'm a spoiled brat mind you......if i can't get one thing in a certain way.....i'll get it somehow even if it takes all my effort and strength.
hahaha=>:D funnay.....way too funnay......i'm a split person......da reason being cause i'm too emotional. i used to think i wuz soo strong.....able to carry a lil load off peeps......now....i can't even handle my own. no one runs to meh with dere problems n e more.....only like one. and i guess i cause more problems for da person dat runs to meh for help is one cause he's kept meh in his heart and da other he honestly treats meh like a really really good friend.....like very tite brother and sis. hahaha=>:D yeah...cheers meh up to know how our friendship has developed. muhahaha=>:D i have a sister dat wuz born into my blood family, but i never run to her. i just can't......i am untrusting....even doe i noe my family are da peeps i can always trust cause dey love meh....even if i dun love myself.
hahaha=.:d funnay aye??? no one in church notices my emptiness through my eyes....or they do, but dey dun care enuff to ask me wuz wrong. there are those that can't even see meh and they seem to care more. geez......i thought we were brother and sisters in christ......sighs.
my thoughts are very very depressing....why???? cause most of dese things are observations dat i see. hahaha=>:d physchologist aye??? my aim??? hahaha=>:d can't even handle to just see peeps. man.....hahaha=.:D way too funnay. i trusted too many peeps....loved too much......cared too much....now.....i hate....hate and distrust runs everywhere. arg!!!!! i can't say i hate to extent of i would kill em....dun get meh wrong.....u noe dat feeling when u hate sumthing??? well i have dat feeling towards everything, but it's a feeling....and deep down inside.....i wanna love, but my love isn't as strong as the feeling. sighs sighs.
one thing as being a christian is the need to pray, to ask GOD for sumthing.......
the thing about this is dat i always seem to just be asking, asking, asking. i never recieve why??? cause maybe i have and just never notice it. another.....really......i'm a sinner....a sinner who needs GOD.....desparately needing, but i've lost this feeling....lost the love i first felt when i believed GOD. i've known GOD for my entire lyphe.....i know enuff to take meh high enuff, but dat's not da point.....i suppose i need to start all over again. i know much, but knowledge ain't much. knowledge, wisdom, everything, without GOD is meaningless. meaningless!!!! i guess i have a new pray now....a new aim for life.....sighs sighs...
leaving my thoughts for a while....to sort out stuff....arg!!!! well meh going....l8a.....
Thursday, May 08, 2003
arg!!!! i dunno why da hell i'm feeling dis.
i dunno why i hurt...or at least what i hurt more about...
sighs.....
is it cause i've been hurt and i've never really healed....
or is it da truth of reality dat finally caught up wit meh???
maybe....it's both.....sighs sighs...
u've left meh once, i never really got over it.....
now, u'll be leaving for eternity....or maybe dats betta for meh....
sighs.....
arg....can't take dis n e more!!!! going insane!!!! arg!!!!
CAN'T TAKE DIS N E MORE!!!!! ar!!!!!
i wuz lifted up from the ashes, but only to return to be buried.
everyone wants de best for meh, i honestly can't even move on wit myself...
arg!!!!
ah!!!! u say u'll be bak, by den....i doubt it....u promised meh once, u broke da promise.....
so what makes meh haveta trust u again???
just cause i still love u dun mean dat i will even doe i wanna.
why couldn't u have told meh instead of me having to find out dis way?!?!?
WHY?!?!?!?!?!
i don't trust n e one now....constantly in paranoia....
feeling soo crumby ain't fun...
yo yo.....do u hear dat commercial for da hallmark mother's day cards????
well i like dat song k???
i remember you.....you remember me....
i dunno why i hurt...or at least what i hurt more about...
sighs.....
is it cause i've been hurt and i've never really healed....
or is it da truth of reality dat finally caught up wit meh???
maybe....it's both.....sighs sighs...
u've left meh once, i never really got over it.....
now, u'll be leaving for eternity....or maybe dats betta for meh....
sighs.....
arg....can't take dis n e more!!!! going insane!!!! arg!!!!
CAN'T TAKE DIS N E MORE!!!!! ar!!!!!
i wuz lifted up from the ashes, but only to return to be buried.
everyone wants de best for meh, i honestly can't even move on wit myself...
arg!!!!
ah!!!! u say u'll be bak, by den....i doubt it....u promised meh once, u broke da promise.....
so what makes meh haveta trust u again???
just cause i still love u dun mean dat i will even doe i wanna.
why couldn't u have told meh instead of me having to find out dis way?!?!?
WHY?!?!?!?!?!
i don't trust n e one now....constantly in paranoia....
feeling soo crumby ain't fun...
yo yo.....do u hear dat commercial for da hallmark mother's day cards????
well i like dat song k???
i remember you.....you remember me....
i woke up, suddenly feeling soo gray and disoreinted. life seems so black and white.
nothing is wrong, but nothing is rite.....at least according to the sandards of here
yeah, i'll admite dat time ain't bad, but times ain't all dat great eitha....
tooo many thoughts....just leave meh alone....i want chu to feel happy.....and i know by my unhappiness will leave u feeling frustrated. i don't want you like dat. maybe i really should see a doctor about this....well more like a phsychologist.....it can't be rite to feel soo depressed all the time. it seems to me dat my mission has already been done. arg...but i will never know my message....i love...i hate....i smile....ain't happy....hidden behind a mask of fake emtions. arg.....
leave.....JUST LEAVE!!!!! I SAID LEAVE!!!!!!
today wuz supposed to be a pretty good day, but i didn't enjoy myself.
it wuz my skool spirit day....yeah....we have one of da best skool colors eva.....red, black, and white....i must say....awesome combination....but time and time again....i just yearnedfor something more...
i've been reading a personality book.....more like upon the theory of tempermants. am i so complexed that i am all four at the same time??? i am neither a saguine, a choleric, a melancholy nor am i a phlegmatic. i suppose everyone is all four, but the problem is, i am neither leaning toward one nor the other.
i am emotional, but yet i'm cold, i love but yet i hate....i am self motivated, but lazy. i am strict, but yet very lenient. sighs....i dun make n e sense.
am i happy??? am i unhappy???? am i thoughtless??? or am i thoughtful???
GOD works in amazing ways. I am a christian, but i guess GOD ain't in da center of my lyphe. If i proclaim dat i am CHRISTIAN, should i not feel this way??? da funniest thing is dat many non-christians are even happier den meh. i wanna let go, but i will never be able to.
my memories haunt meh. no words can describe the feeling it causes meh. my past frightens me, but i should be able to release it. i am self centered, i am selfish, just like everyone else out there. I am a liar, i am a sinner. I'm good at what i am, but it is not right. I must change this feeling, i must not be self-centered. My focus on lyphe should be centered around GOD, not me. arg!!!
obsession, confusion, frustration, depression.....arg!!!! going insane...i'm gonna go crazy soon. arg!!! ah!!!!! going crazy....crazy crazy.....arg!!!! i wanna leave....leave...leave forever....but den again..it'll neva happen. arg!!!!
everyone hates meh cause i'm so pessimistic, but den again everyone loves meh cause dey know i need the support. if da world hated meh, i would never be able to live with.
nothing is wrong, but nothing is rite.....at least according to the sandards of here
yeah, i'll admite dat time ain't bad, but times ain't all dat great eitha....
tooo many thoughts....just leave meh alone....i want chu to feel happy.....and i know by my unhappiness will leave u feeling frustrated. i don't want you like dat. maybe i really should see a doctor about this....well more like a phsychologist.....it can't be rite to feel soo depressed all the time. it seems to me dat my mission has already been done. arg...but i will never know my message....i love...i hate....i smile....ain't happy....hidden behind a mask of fake emtions. arg.....
leave.....JUST LEAVE!!!!! I SAID LEAVE!!!!!!
today wuz supposed to be a pretty good day, but i didn't enjoy myself.
it wuz my skool spirit day....yeah....we have one of da best skool colors eva.....red, black, and white....i must say....awesome combination....but time and time again....i just yearnedfor something more...
i've been reading a personality book.....more like upon the theory of tempermants. am i so complexed that i am all four at the same time??? i am neither a saguine, a choleric, a melancholy nor am i a phlegmatic. i suppose everyone is all four, but the problem is, i am neither leaning toward one nor the other.
i am emotional, but yet i'm cold, i love but yet i hate....i am self motivated, but lazy. i am strict, but yet very lenient. sighs....i dun make n e sense.
am i happy??? am i unhappy???? am i thoughtless??? or am i thoughtful???
GOD works in amazing ways. I am a christian, but i guess GOD ain't in da center of my lyphe. If i proclaim dat i am CHRISTIAN, should i not feel this way??? da funniest thing is dat many non-christians are even happier den meh. i wanna let go, but i will never be able to.
my memories haunt meh. no words can describe the feeling it causes meh. my past frightens me, but i should be able to release it. i am self centered, i am selfish, just like everyone else out there. I am a liar, i am a sinner. I'm good at what i am, but it is not right. I must change this feeling, i must not be self-centered. My focus on lyphe should be centered around GOD, not me. arg!!!
obsession, confusion, frustration, depression.....arg!!!! going insane...i'm gonna go crazy soon. arg!!! ah!!!!! going crazy....crazy crazy.....arg!!!! i wanna leave....leave...leave forever....but den again..it'll neva happen. arg!!!!
everyone hates meh cause i'm so pessimistic, but den again everyone loves meh cause dey know i need the support. if da world hated meh, i would never be able to live with.
Wednesday, May 07, 2003
obsession.....i am not obsessed with n e thing....but am i not obsessed with thinking???
i think....day and nite...day and nite...
i am unable to concentrate.....
i am unable to actually focus on something...
think, thoughts, words, memories...
arg!!!
why do dey plague my mind so?!?!?!
no one understands meh....but den again....i have friends dat do and can...
no one needs meh....but den again....i have friends and family dat do
no one wants me....hahaha=>:d dat's a joke and u noe it..
i just feel dis way.....guess cause i have a natural negative mentality...
adaptation....
darwin's theory....
oh wellz...meh lost...
as i said...too many thoughts...to lil actually....but to some...i just htink too much...
arg!!!
i wanna live....but i constantly dun feel like it's worth it...
i wanna die....but why a long term decission for a short term problem???
oh wellz....oh wellz....meh lost very lost...happy...????
really u think so???
unhappy??? u think i am???
define what it is to be happy....cause i have no clue what it is...well l8a
i think....day and nite...day and nite...
i am unable to concentrate.....
i am unable to actually focus on something...
think, thoughts, words, memories...
arg!!!
why do dey plague my mind so?!?!?!
no one understands meh....but den again....i have friends dat do and can...
no one needs meh....but den again....i have friends and family dat do
no one wants me....hahaha=>:d dat's a joke and u noe it..
i just feel dis way.....guess cause i have a natural negative mentality...
adaptation....
darwin's theory....
oh wellz...meh lost...
as i said...too many thoughts...to lil actually....but to some...i just htink too much...
arg!!!
i wanna live....but i constantly dun feel like it's worth it...
i wanna die....but why a long term decission for a short term problem???
oh wellz....oh wellz....meh lost very lost...happy...????
really u think so???
unhappy??? u think i am???
define what it is to be happy....cause i have no clue what it is...well l8a
FROG.....Fully Rely on GOD....or FUlly Relying on GOD....
eitha way.....i am not.....i used to wear dat braclet.....it just made meh feel guilty. i dunno where i put it n e more....sighs sighs...
PUSH.....Pray until sumthing happing....or praying until sumthing happens....
Dis makes meh feel guiltier.....i dun pray much....and when i do....it's for sumthing i did...or sumthing dat i need.....darn....gotsta get outta dat mentality....arg!
every one thinks i'm soo weird. yeah.....tony, i've started to do dat bottle cap thingy on my arm now. it's like major entertainment for meh when i'm bored. man. i should stop doing dat. like da skin on my arm looks soo disgusting now. oh wellz. hahaha=>:D
pain.....is pleasure/enjoyment??? man....came out very very wrong.....but dat's not what i'm intending to say. dat bottle cap thing. it's da funniest thing....why??? everyone's like "stop doing dat sabby....stop hurting urself." but dat's da thing. dis pain....gives meh a thrill. yeah....funky thrill. it gives meh more of a thrill den actually like going on rollercoasters. well to meh...roller coasters are soo boring ba....oh wellz. it's all kool..muhahaha=>:d could be tons worst. oh wellz....meh gonna go....got nothing to talk bout.....nothing on my mind, but at da same time too much already. oh wellz....i'll go....l8a....
eitha way.....i am not.....i used to wear dat braclet.....it just made meh feel guilty. i dunno where i put it n e more....sighs sighs...
PUSH.....Pray until sumthing happing....or praying until sumthing happens....
Dis makes meh feel guiltier.....i dun pray much....and when i do....it's for sumthing i did...or sumthing dat i need.....darn....gotsta get outta dat mentality....arg!
every one thinks i'm soo weird. yeah.....tony, i've started to do dat bottle cap thingy on my arm now. it's like major entertainment for meh when i'm bored. man. i should stop doing dat. like da skin on my arm looks soo disgusting now. oh wellz. hahaha=>:D
pain.....is pleasure/enjoyment??? man....came out very very wrong.....but dat's not what i'm intending to say. dat bottle cap thing. it's da funniest thing....why??? everyone's like "stop doing dat sabby....stop hurting urself." but dat's da thing. dis pain....gives meh a thrill. yeah....funky thrill. it gives meh more of a thrill den actually like going on rollercoasters. well to meh...roller coasters are soo boring ba....oh wellz. it's all kool..muhahaha=>:d could be tons worst. oh wellz....meh gonna go....got nothing to talk bout.....nothing on my mind, but at da same time too much already. oh wellz....i'll go....l8a....
Tuesday, May 06, 2003
no one really reads my thoughts n e more...actually no one read em in da beginning........oh wellz.....good for em to not pass by my depressing thoughts
yo bri boi.....u come and read my thoughts frequently.....now here goes a shout for ya...........
i can't say i noe u well.....cause i dun.....i dun really noe n e one well. All i noe is dat GOD gave meh a great friend like u. One who is there to sympathize for meh and with meh whenever i need it. But also there to cause sight in areas which i am unwilling or unable to see. u say we live similar lives, this i know not being true, but then again.....no one can be exactly tha same. I want you to know, i am here.....even in my times of sorrow, i will be here. i know u prolly dun wanna share more problems into my already aimless life, but i say, i dun care......i'd rather hear ur problems den sit around and do nothing......which i noe....da same for u. i also know that there are times which u cannot share ur thoughts, i dun mind, thinkers need space. Just remember....when all the space in the world can only create a greater gap unless ur willing to fill it up. As a christian, i know that God is always there for u, U noe dat too. The thing i'm trying to say is....if one day when da path seems extremely dark, or ur just falling into a bottomless pit, (which i hope u dun) i hope u'll not see only the space of ur exsistance, but of which what fills it. u say i'm one side to ur hand, and in da same way.....u are to mine. interconnected souls. well just noe sabby'll try to be here like u were dere for her. it's the funniest thing, i've prayed to GOD bout stuff like this. it's the funniest thing. if u never mentioned how great a friend i wuz to u, i would have never seen it for myself. ur da answer to my prayer. u noe what i prayed for??? i prayed for someone to be there for me, someone to not only listen, not only to be there, but someone who is willing to share the effort. someone to be the bakbone of support on earth. a sign, a miracle that GOD still has many like him. I needed a constant friend to see meh through the storm......he provided meh a friend......an everlasting friend.......thank you.....and greatly of all.....THANK YOU LORD.
muhaha....took all dose quizzies....
i guess for dose dat mage thingy....i could have been three results....
meh=split person.....not two faced....just split up all da time....
i could be a time mage, a water mage, a spirit mage.
wierd aye??? but den again....everyone could be every result. its hard to say.....but when things are down....things are diff....
i've noticed the funniest things......everyone has split personalities. it really just depends on how extreme they are. Don't try to deny this fact, cause u can't. each mood u can poses lives in u a new view, a new life.
for example, i'll take myself.......
when i'm.....
1)sad......i see everything as hopeless and aimless
2)frustrated.....almost in the same light of which i view things through sad feelings.....but ontop of that....i feel aimless....
3)anger......hatred.....
4)happy.....everything is good, nothing is wrong
the point of this is, normally these feeling are basically how one may also feel. the difference is if you allow ur feelings of such views take hold in ur life. Yes, there are times when angry people can do very well in life. normally those who are angry with the world can go just as far or even further than one who is happy. don't get meh wrong, i'm not encouraging anger, but living life in certain ways affect you and everyone in your life....or maybe those you don't even noe.
My opinion.......everyone should live happily, myself, i am unable to do this no matter how i try. Everyone gets frustrated over the fact that i'm a hypocrite. i try not to be so hypocritical, but dat ain't da point. I really have quit trying. i hate the world, but i love it at the same time, i'm angry, sad, frustrated, happy all at the same time. i need a reason to live, and less motives for dying. Actually the truth is i already have my reason to live, Through FAITH, one can see almost everything. Change goes a long way, but if there is nothing wrong wit me that i can fix, then what is there to change??? everyone wants to change into something they are not. it's kinda frustrating. the mentality of everyone even if it's not ur first thought would be to help someone. through helping someone, there is always a motive......
a) ur helping cause u really care, which is a motive
b) u really wanna get something outta ur action
c) it helps u achieve something....such as acknowledgement......
d) u wanna change em through what u think would be best for em...not taking into consideration what is actually best for em
no matta what ur motive may be.....sometimes it is betta to not help at all. through experience, i've learned that many times, *helping* can make a situation worst. U mite still have one's best interest in mind, but not every advice u give can help everyone. so yeah......BUT....there are also those peeps dat still need da bs u can give em. unless dey tell u to actually shut up, dun. dose peeps mite actually need da support....even in bs form. if dese types of peeps tell u to shut up on ur advice.....actually shut up....dun persuade da matta......it can make it worst...
well dat's it.....kinda funnay...but dat's it la.....too much digging into peeps or at least my thoughts....well lil meh hasta go now.....hahaha=>:d
well with all these thoughts tonite....i leave u here......love ya'll.....i'll be waiting......
yo bri boi.....u come and read my thoughts frequently.....now here goes a shout for ya...........
i can't say i noe u well.....cause i dun.....i dun really noe n e one well. All i noe is dat GOD gave meh a great friend like u. One who is there to sympathize for meh and with meh whenever i need it. But also there to cause sight in areas which i am unwilling or unable to see. u say we live similar lives, this i know not being true, but then again.....no one can be exactly tha same. I want you to know, i am here.....even in my times of sorrow, i will be here. i know u prolly dun wanna share more problems into my already aimless life, but i say, i dun care......i'd rather hear ur problems den sit around and do nothing......which i noe....da same for u. i also know that there are times which u cannot share ur thoughts, i dun mind, thinkers need space. Just remember....when all the space in the world can only create a greater gap unless ur willing to fill it up. As a christian, i know that God is always there for u, U noe dat too. The thing i'm trying to say is....if one day when da path seems extremely dark, or ur just falling into a bottomless pit, (which i hope u dun) i hope u'll not see only the space of ur exsistance, but of which what fills it. u say i'm one side to ur hand, and in da same way.....u are to mine. interconnected souls. well just noe sabby'll try to be here like u were dere for her. it's the funniest thing, i've prayed to GOD bout stuff like this. it's the funniest thing. if u never mentioned how great a friend i wuz to u, i would have never seen it for myself. ur da answer to my prayer. u noe what i prayed for??? i prayed for someone to be there for me, someone to not only listen, not only to be there, but someone who is willing to share the effort. someone to be the bakbone of support on earth. a sign, a miracle that GOD still has many like him. I needed a constant friend to see meh through the storm......he provided meh a friend......an everlasting friend.......thank you.....and greatly of all.....THANK YOU LORD.
muhaha....took all dose quizzies....
i guess for dose dat mage thingy....i could have been three results....
meh=split person.....not two faced....just split up all da time....
i could be a time mage, a water mage, a spirit mage.
wierd aye??? but den again....everyone could be every result. its hard to say.....but when things are down....things are diff....
i've noticed the funniest things......everyone has split personalities. it really just depends on how extreme they are. Don't try to deny this fact, cause u can't. each mood u can poses lives in u a new view, a new life.
for example, i'll take myself.......
when i'm.....
1)sad......i see everything as hopeless and aimless
2)frustrated.....almost in the same light of which i view things through sad feelings.....but ontop of that....i feel aimless....
3)anger......hatred.....
4)happy.....everything is good, nothing is wrong
the point of this is, normally these feeling are basically how one may also feel. the difference is if you allow ur feelings of such views take hold in ur life. Yes, there are times when angry people can do very well in life. normally those who are angry with the world can go just as far or even further than one who is happy. don't get meh wrong, i'm not encouraging anger, but living life in certain ways affect you and everyone in your life....or maybe those you don't even noe.
My opinion.......everyone should live happily, myself, i am unable to do this no matter how i try. Everyone gets frustrated over the fact that i'm a hypocrite. i try not to be so hypocritical, but dat ain't da point. I really have quit trying. i hate the world, but i love it at the same time, i'm angry, sad, frustrated, happy all at the same time. i need a reason to live, and less motives for dying. Actually the truth is i already have my reason to live, Through FAITH, one can see almost everything. Change goes a long way, but if there is nothing wrong wit me that i can fix, then what is there to change??? everyone wants to change into something they are not. it's kinda frustrating. the mentality of everyone even if it's not ur first thought would be to help someone. through helping someone, there is always a motive......
a) ur helping cause u really care, which is a motive
b) u really wanna get something outta ur action
c) it helps u achieve something....such as acknowledgement......
d) u wanna change em through what u think would be best for em...not taking into consideration what is actually best for em
no matta what ur motive may be.....sometimes it is betta to not help at all. through experience, i've learned that many times, *helping* can make a situation worst. U mite still have one's best interest in mind, but not every advice u give can help everyone. so yeah......BUT....there are also those peeps dat still need da bs u can give em. unless dey tell u to actually shut up, dun. dose peeps mite actually need da support....even in bs form. if dese types of peeps tell u to shut up on ur advice.....actually shut up....dun persuade da matta......it can make it worst...
well dat's it.....kinda funnay...but dat's it la.....too much digging into peeps or at least my thoughts....well lil meh hasta go now.....hahaha=>:d
well with all these thoughts tonite....i leave u here......love ya'll.....i'll be waiting......
muhahaha....i've been doing quizzies cause meh bored.....took some of dese quizzies before....man....kinda funnay with the results....
Take the What Type of Friend are
You? quiz, and visit mutedfaith.com.
[Me.]
Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You? quiz, by Angel.
find your element
at mutedfaith.com.
Take the What Type of Friend are
You? quiz, and visit mutedfaith.com.
[Me.]
Take the What High School
Stereotype Are You? quiz, by Angel.
find your element
at mutedfaith.com.
Monday, May 05, 2003
omgoodness!!!!! that quizzie thingy i took is soo true!!!!! omgoodness!!!!!
find your element
at mutedfaith.com.
find your element
at mutedfaith.com.
Sunday, May 04, 2003
subconsciously, i do not notice dis, but since someone's mentioned it to meh, i've just noticed it within myself.
well everytime ur name is mentioned, i have this funnay look on my face.
every time something dat reminds meh of u, makes meh laugh.
every word that is spoken dat clicks with a memory makes meh think of the past
every action that is done towards meh that reminds meh of what i had, i start to cry.
well i guess it's normal. but i've let my past, my memories, and my thoughts get the best of meh.
i've let it take hold of what i should not have past as nothing.
my nickie on msn at da present moment says dis
~-:-~Kimi o ai shiteru~ -:-~no such thing as a dream come true...all i've ever faced are nightmares...www.sabbygurl.blogspot.com/
kimi o ai shiteru meaning i love u.........den saying no such thing as a dream come true, all i've ever faced are nitemares is really quite contridictory. i just dun get it.....i've faced worst struggles in lyphe....when things were ACTUALLY falling apart, but now.....everythings well and great and almost fantastic to soo many people. wha da heck is wrong wit meh??? i've seemed to have lost my own way and da knowledge of myself??? it seems to me dat i am trying to be someone else who i am not intended to be. i'm trying to be the person who everyone wants meh to mold into. but i guess i'm just a peice of clay dat is untouchable accept by GOD. i cuss and i curse, i'm easily mad and frustrated. i'm stuborn and at times i'm extremely stupid. i'm innocent, but have been very corrupted. i have been left to survive, but am killing my own self. i had an image, but have lost it. i've let the standards of everyone get to meh. arg!!! what a pain in da a to da double s?!?!?! oh wellz. ain't all bad. at least i noe what i am and what i ain't.
in this world, we are created to love, but yet time and time again, we choose to hate. i have choosen a path of hatred, and i must say.....soo pointless. but den again...when u where colored shades and look at things only from a certain view point....everything is pointless. i must say......i'm kinda very very stupid.......i write stupid things. have stupid thoughts.....convey in people the thoughts they never thought they had. Yet time and time again, i noe my thoughts aren't original, every one has gone through a time in their life being dis way or dat. well den again...i must say dat everyone is a liar. if u say u haven't faced a time of struggle, den ur lying to urself. but even if so, i envy the people who say they haven't. by experience, i noe dose peoples dat do say such stuff are as to seem to be da happiest people of my entire lyphe. i have never known many people with such great happiness. OH HOW MUCH I ENVY DEM!!!!....well either way....i ain't dat type of person....so why be someone i ain't intended to be????
yo bri boi.....happy yet?!?!?!? feeling n e betta?!?!?! lil sabby here is feeling much betta ar!!! hahaha=>:D but it dun really sound like it rite?!?!? sollie bout dat.....trying to get all my negative thoughts outta meh.....feels betta afta some time.....thanx for giving meh support......it means a lot to meh....
from time to time, i fall into a great depression of things....time and time.....i cannot help it. from time to time...it's just a hormonal imbalance or a chemical imbalance within my brain. then there are times dat i creat a monster of sadness within myself. i dwell upon all dat has happened. i let da things in da past or falling weeks to come get to meh. arg!!! i hate myself...but i love myself.....i love myself...but i despise myself....arg!!!! what i must say is dis.....da greatest enimy to oneself is urself...well meh going
well everytime ur name is mentioned, i have this funnay look on my face.
every time something dat reminds meh of u, makes meh laugh.
every word that is spoken dat clicks with a memory makes meh think of the past
every action that is done towards meh that reminds meh of what i had, i start to cry.
well i guess it's normal. but i've let my past, my memories, and my thoughts get the best of meh.
i've let it take hold of what i should not have past as nothing.
my nickie on msn at da present moment says dis
~-:-~Kimi o ai shiteru~ -:-~no such thing as a dream come true...all i've ever faced are nightmares...www.sabbygurl.blogspot.com/
kimi o ai shiteru meaning i love u.........den saying no such thing as a dream come true, all i've ever faced are nitemares is really quite contridictory. i just dun get it.....i've faced worst struggles in lyphe....when things were ACTUALLY falling apart, but now.....everythings well and great and almost fantastic to soo many people. wha da heck is wrong wit meh??? i've seemed to have lost my own way and da knowledge of myself??? it seems to me dat i am trying to be someone else who i am not intended to be. i'm trying to be the person who everyone wants meh to mold into. but i guess i'm just a peice of clay dat is untouchable accept by GOD. i cuss and i curse, i'm easily mad and frustrated. i'm stuborn and at times i'm extremely stupid. i'm innocent, but have been very corrupted. i have been left to survive, but am killing my own self. i had an image, but have lost it. i've let the standards of everyone get to meh. arg!!! what a pain in da a to da double s?!?!?! oh wellz. ain't all bad. at least i noe what i am and what i ain't.
in this world, we are created to love, but yet time and time again, we choose to hate. i have choosen a path of hatred, and i must say.....soo pointless. but den again...when u where colored shades and look at things only from a certain view point....everything is pointless. i must say......i'm kinda very very stupid.......i write stupid things. have stupid thoughts.....convey in people the thoughts they never thought they had. Yet time and time again, i noe my thoughts aren't original, every one has gone through a time in their life being dis way or dat. well den again...i must say dat everyone is a liar. if u say u haven't faced a time of struggle, den ur lying to urself. but even if so, i envy the people who say they haven't. by experience, i noe dose peoples dat do say such stuff are as to seem to be da happiest people of my entire lyphe. i have never known many people with such great happiness. OH HOW MUCH I ENVY DEM!!!!....well either way....i ain't dat type of person....so why be someone i ain't intended to be????
yo bri boi.....happy yet?!?!?!? feeling n e betta?!?!?! lil sabby here is feeling much betta ar!!! hahaha=>:D but it dun really sound like it rite?!?!? sollie bout dat.....trying to get all my negative thoughts outta meh.....feels betta afta some time.....thanx for giving meh support......it means a lot to meh....
from time to time, i fall into a great depression of things....time and time.....i cannot help it. from time to time...it's just a hormonal imbalance or a chemical imbalance within my brain. then there are times dat i creat a monster of sadness within myself. i dwell upon all dat has happened. i let da things in da past or falling weeks to come get to meh. arg!!! i hate myself...but i love myself.....i love myself...but i despise myself....arg!!!! what i must say is dis.....da greatest enimy to oneself is urself...well meh going
Saturday, May 03, 2003
hahaha=>:d bri boi, ur upset at meh.....
ur anger doesn't surprise meh.....everyone's almost mad at meh. those who noe meh well enuff and noe dat i am unhappy are mad at meh. maybe not gonna tell meh directly. i don't really care if ur angry at meh or not. why not??? cause i'm angry at myself.....
why??? i have no clue......GOD's prolly just as mad as everyone else. sighs.....
i've given up on myself.....yeah, but have u ever thought of this??? if i really did give up on myself...do u think i'd express it???
no i wouldn't.....i just would hide it.....but den again...i'm confused...whateva.....
gonna go watch tv now..l8a
ur anger doesn't surprise meh.....everyone's almost mad at meh. those who noe meh well enuff and noe dat i am unhappy are mad at meh. maybe not gonna tell meh directly. i don't really care if ur angry at meh or not. why not??? cause i'm angry at myself.....
why??? i have no clue......GOD's prolly just as mad as everyone else. sighs.....
i've given up on myself.....yeah, but have u ever thought of this??? if i really did give up on myself...do u think i'd express it???
no i wouldn't.....i just would hide it.....but den again...i'm confused...whateva.....
gonna go watch tv now..l8a
this morning......i woke up very early.......man, my stomach hurt. i really belive i'll die of sum like stupid disease or like virus or sumthing. i'm becoming sick again. prolly cause i'm not happy all da time, but does emotion control da immune system??? meh have no clue.
upon reading brian's thoughts, it puts a smile on my face. I know there are people who care, really i do, but the thing is now, i really dun care bout myself. sorry to say dis, but i really dun.
last night, right afta my sister left for toronto again, the house become in chaos. i guess it's my fault. well, here goes......my anger is triggered by one 2 things......i myself cannot find something, or, someone is being really rude to me or to my friends. this instance, i lost something. something that i had lost already and wasn't able to find. but i guess my parents dun understand me as much as they thought dey did. they dun understand dat i get very frustrated easily if i lose something, and considering the emotional stress i've been putting myself into, it makes all the worst. i felt like everyone misunderstands me. they misinterpret me. everyone does.
misunderstanding??? how bout this? i haven't been hyper at skool for quite sum time now, and finally when i am hyper cause i just feel like it, someone says i can't and i'm scaring dem. what da hell is dat supposed to mean?!?!? is dat telling meh dat being unhappy and being happy scares my friends?!?!? what the hell are they trying to convey in meh?!?!? i've never told em this, but dat statement really shocked and pissed meh off. i guess if i did tell them all dey could do wuz just say sorry. i really believe dat saying sorry is soo useless now. it's not like it can cure hurt feelings. u were hurt once by their actions and their words, saying sorry only brings bak the memory of being hurt. sorry is completely useless. i say sorry sometimes, not cause i mean it, cause to many others sorry just eases dere mind. i guess i'm good at human observations. damn, gotsta get a lyphe.
arg!!!! got hit across the head three times cause i swore......shit man......still kinda hurting in dat spot too. i guess when he hit meh, i really didn't do n e thing for it, i didn't even clench a fist.......which i normally tend to do if i'm getting hit. i knew i deserved it, but actually, no one really deserves a beating. i just suppose dat i'm one of dose peeps dat can take a beating like dat. at da same time, i know dat da person who hit meh across da head still loved meh, cause it wuzn't all dat hard....he still controlled his force.....but den again......i am and wuz sooo numb to everything dat maybe he did hit meh hard......i just couldn't feel it.
dis feeling of numbness.....it scares meh......but causes meh to have a smile, a half twitchy smile. being numb means i can't feel rite??? but den yet i do feel.....i feel my own thoughts...my own tormenting/tormented thoughts. i allow myself to become numb to da world yet feel all dat is within myself.
i feel hopeless......but den again, i still have hope....i ain't dead yet. i feel misunderstood.....but den again....dat's cause sometimes i dun show who i really am and let da rainbow shine into dis crappy grey world. i feel unwanted.....dat i mite be.......but den why do i have friends???? i feel aimless.....dis i actually am cause i ain't trying in skool n e more, but da point being.....i do have a future cause i still know where i wanna go and what i wanna become. i feel non-exsistant, but dis i also noe i am still exsisting.
here.....i'll ask a question......would u rather feel nothing and loose the sense of being for the rest or ur lyphe and live dat way??? or would u rather see the happiness and feel the pain knowing that u are still alive???? personally.....both these choices are kinda extreme.....if it were up to meh, i would choose neither, but i'm already going through one of em. at the same time, i've gone through both of these in dis scenario doe. i feel numb, feel nothing....i feel no sense of being........but i see all da happiness....and i feel all da pain....and i still know i'm alive. does dat make n e sense ar???? well wo bu zhi dao ba.......dui bu qi.......oh wellz.....
at least i still know who i am and what i can become......a pride dat i take upon myself......
frustration, anger, hatred....i guess all three of dese things fall hand in hand.......hahahaha=>:D oh wellz.....enjoy urself with my blogs.....feeling kinda crumby....but at least i feel a bit betta.......at da same time.....i still feel crumby......arg!
upon reading brian's thoughts, it puts a smile on my face. I know there are people who care, really i do, but the thing is now, i really dun care bout myself. sorry to say dis, but i really dun.
last night, right afta my sister left for toronto again, the house become in chaos. i guess it's my fault. well, here goes......my anger is triggered by one 2 things......i myself cannot find something, or, someone is being really rude to me or to my friends. this instance, i lost something. something that i had lost already and wasn't able to find. but i guess my parents dun understand me as much as they thought dey did. they dun understand dat i get very frustrated easily if i lose something, and considering the emotional stress i've been putting myself into, it makes all the worst. i felt like everyone misunderstands me. they misinterpret me. everyone does.
misunderstanding??? how bout this? i haven't been hyper at skool for quite sum time now, and finally when i am hyper cause i just feel like it, someone says i can't and i'm scaring dem. what da hell is dat supposed to mean?!?!? is dat telling meh dat being unhappy and being happy scares my friends?!?!? what the hell are they trying to convey in meh?!?!? i've never told em this, but dat statement really shocked and pissed meh off. i guess if i did tell them all dey could do wuz just say sorry. i really believe dat saying sorry is soo useless now. it's not like it can cure hurt feelings. u were hurt once by their actions and their words, saying sorry only brings bak the memory of being hurt. sorry is completely useless. i say sorry sometimes, not cause i mean it, cause to many others sorry just eases dere mind. i guess i'm good at human observations. damn, gotsta get a lyphe.
arg!!!! got hit across the head three times cause i swore......shit man......still kinda hurting in dat spot too. i guess when he hit meh, i really didn't do n e thing for it, i didn't even clench a fist.......which i normally tend to do if i'm getting hit. i knew i deserved it, but actually, no one really deserves a beating. i just suppose dat i'm one of dose peeps dat can take a beating like dat. at da same time, i know dat da person who hit meh across da head still loved meh, cause it wuzn't all dat hard....he still controlled his force.....but den again......i am and wuz sooo numb to everything dat maybe he did hit meh hard......i just couldn't feel it.
dis feeling of numbness.....it scares meh......but causes meh to have a smile, a half twitchy smile. being numb means i can't feel rite??? but den yet i do feel.....i feel my own thoughts...my own tormenting/tormented thoughts. i allow myself to become numb to da world yet feel all dat is within myself.
i feel hopeless......but den again, i still have hope....i ain't dead yet. i feel misunderstood.....but den again....dat's cause sometimes i dun show who i really am and let da rainbow shine into dis crappy grey world. i feel unwanted.....dat i mite be.......but den why do i have friends???? i feel aimless.....dis i actually am cause i ain't trying in skool n e more, but da point being.....i do have a future cause i still know where i wanna go and what i wanna become. i feel non-exsistant, but dis i also noe i am still exsisting.
here.....i'll ask a question......would u rather feel nothing and loose the sense of being for the rest or ur lyphe and live dat way??? or would u rather see the happiness and feel the pain knowing that u are still alive???? personally.....both these choices are kinda extreme.....if it were up to meh, i would choose neither, but i'm already going through one of em. at the same time, i've gone through both of these in dis scenario doe. i feel numb, feel nothing....i feel no sense of being........but i see all da happiness....and i feel all da pain....and i still know i'm alive. does dat make n e sense ar???? well wo bu zhi dao ba.......dui bu qi.......oh wellz.....
at least i still know who i am and what i can become......a pride dat i take upon myself......
frustration, anger, hatred....i guess all three of dese things fall hand in hand.......hahahaha=>:D oh wellz.....enjoy urself with my blogs.....feeling kinda crumby....but at least i feel a bit betta.......at da same time.....i still feel crumby......arg!
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