hm. i woke up and i had los on my mind, but as i sit here, my head is starting to spin again. and my head hurts more and more as i type. i haveta like go through the manual thingy to take my g1. soooo seeeeedoopid if you ask me. it's not like i don't know how to drive or anything. args. oh wellz. no biggie. keke^^ sharron prolly won't read dis but, hey, you put a seeeemile on my face even thought you prolly weren't trying too.

oh yes, i remember one of my thoughts for the day. let's see. here goes. okayz. you see, there are many misconceptions out there in the world. and some of them, they are taught to us as little children. for instance, racism, it is not something that we have a preferance for, it's your parents having a preferance then falling on you to either continue the cycle or not. but as a little child, it's really hard to not follow the cycle our parents have brought us up in. so therefore, the blame goes totally onto your parents when you are at a young age. but being racist is only an accepted fact, it should not be used for treating others unfairly. being racist is fine, i mean, it's not right, but it happens in this world. even if you like the truth or not, racism will always exsist. people as humans have inflicted fear and hatred into many hearts of every nation. for example, one given one is korean and chinese people. for many historic reasons, those of older generation koreans find that being aquainted with a chinese person is somewhat bad. maybe it's the fact that chinese people have continually invaded korea over and over again through many generations, many centuries and such. but even today, racism exsists. why? it's useless, no one gender, no one race, no one person can stand alone. and unless this world unites itself, we will never come to full potential. but then again, as one big happy family, there will still be times of hate, scorn, and anger.

now on to another thought. another misconception. people that do good only wish for something back. i mean, it may be true for many people out there that treat others really well. but you know, some other people, really just like to do the good for others and help them. and if others really can't come to accept that people want to help, then there should be no need in helping. i mean, many times when people say they are alright, most times, they are either hiding something from you, or they just don't want to tell you. the truth is, many people if not all are like that. they don't like to tell everything in their heart and mind. my thoughts get somewhat repetitive. there is nothing new under the sun. as humans, we love less and hate more. args, what good does that bring us? those that love are hated by those that hate. but those that hate, are loved by those who love. but yet only those who care get hurt. i somewhat do not agree with the saying, "what doesn't kill us makes us stronger." okay, that goes for emotionally, because physically, that just isn't going to happen. for example for the physical, if you got shot in the head, but if you survived, you'd prolly either be a vegetable or a semi-paralytic. you are therefore weaker and accomplish less if you do not have the right goals. now for as of emotional. what means stronger? okayz, some people say that being able to accept more and not actually feeling the certain situation is being stronger. but i ask you, is not becoming insensitive a bad thing? you only reap what you sow, and if you have more, then you've probably stolen by accident that bit that doesn't belong to you.

some people say i'm crazy, and others think i'm insane. but is not insanity and being crazy the same thing? i mean, am i not sane to be able to drive to such conclusive thoughts? i mean, no one likes ot think, but i can't help it cept to think. sighs sighs. i'm sick and tired of hearing all the people talk about. what's the deal with this crap life and when's it gonna fade out? i mean, having a bad life will never end. and when it finally does physically, it could only get worst or alot alot better. now i shall do more devotions. maybe i shall wake up early ever morning just to do a devotion. is it not better for someone that way? yeah. so it is. i'm tired. and i have tons of homework. grr.....

i shall go back to sleep now, and so then my sister m ay use the pc. hm. no one reads these thoughts anymore. maybe it's just a waste of time to even try to express myself, obviously it's not doing me n e good. but why would i want others to read my thoughts in the first placE? there's no good reason for this to happen. my thoughts should be personal, but it's not only because i choose to let it be public. sometimes writing my thoughts would make me feel better, but at times, it would make me feel a whole lot worst. and the feeling of being played for a fool is even worst. i hate that feeling. and people should get far far away form me at this present moment. i'm trying not to star at the pc screen now, my head really really hurts. and as brian would say, stop sitting in front of the computer and take a nap or sumthing. yeah. i'll just do that. args. this sux sooo bad. i'm sooo angry. args args. evil evil. hm. what were the stages a person goes through before acceptance? there was denial, fear, anger, depression, and the acceptance. was in that order? what happens if i never go to denial and i never go through the stages of fear. i'm not afraid of the truth, it just hurts, so it makes me mad. and whenever i'm mad about sumthing, i become depressed, therefore, being a very negative cycle. but then does that make me over emotional? sighs sighs. over all these years, and over and over again, i get hurt all the same way. what the hell. oh yeah, then jean and i was talking at tony's last night. well people say willy's changed. well really, i don't think he has. i mena, he's different than what he used to be. but the fact is, if you were never really yearning to be a certain way, you'd never be that certain way. what you have never thought to be, you will never be. therefore, he has thought to be the way he is now, and he is now the way he is. it makes sense to me in my logic. does it make sense to you? prolly not. i think in circles, and unless you think in circles too, you'd prolly be even more confused in what i'm saying.

well you see, there are those that are willing to listen to my problems, and then there are those that only listen because i'm willing to speak. which kind of friends do you want? oh yes, then there are those friends that knows you are upset and is willing to do nothing about it. i mean, sometimes i'm like that, but that's only because i know what's going on in the minds of one person or more. i'm extremely tired. thoughts hurt my brain. but then again, it seems to me that the tension at my head is becoming less and less as i type.

to write or not to write, that is the question. but i have no clue. what do i want to say? my thoughts leaves me indecisive of what i want to do. hm. so i'm tired and moody. the headache from last night has not left me even with a good nights sleep. hm. wonder if this is a sign to stop thinking. args args. so very evil. args args.

hm....right now, too muchie on mind....but shall i spill it here or shall i write it by hand?

oh yes, and by the way, i know you are unhappy, because seriously, i can see it in your eyes. was it i who said it to you or was it someone else? i remember having said it to someone, but i can't remember. or was it i who said it to myself? oh wellz. it doesn't matter. the truth is, when you have reached a dispairing moment in your life, people can see it even though you hide it behind an expressionless face or a very cheery cheery one. it doesn't matter, your eyes are the windows to your soul.

so, i woke up really early today, and couldn't fall back to sleep. so instead, i woke up, took a shower, decided what to wear, and then went downstairs to write my thoughts. why i decided to write my thoughts, i don't know why. crappers, i had another bad dream. and this one, probably won't happen i hope. but you know when you see everyone in front of you die of natural causes, and yet you are just a bystander in all this? well that's how it felt. that feeling of not being able to do anything, the feeling that you are in the dark where you can see the light but cannot reach it because it moves forward everytime you try to touch it. hm. yesterday, i was going on aa as usual, i noticed someones pagie by total and utter chance. these were the words written on it......i mean, alot of people have written things like that, but this one just kinda got imprinted in my memory for some reason....whack....la....this is how it goes.....everyone has this gap inside their heart. they want to fill it so that they never feel that gap of emptiness. some people fill it with riches, some fill it with dollars, some fill it with having a girlfriend and boifriend. but i, myself on the other hand, have filled it with GOD. he goes on to say how he is complete now even though at times he runs on empty and all. wow. i mean, sometimes thoughts can really impact someone.

now let me go on with my own thought. hey, the 28th, isn't that like someone's birthday or something? i mean, i know someone's birthday is today, but who's?!?!? grrr....-_-. but whatever, it's not like people remember my birthday, so why should i remember theirs. but it doesn't matter, it's the thought that counts. my birthday is in august, but this year, i'm not going anywhere, or at least i hope i shouldn't be going anywhere. grrr....-_-. this year, i just want to stay home and be like a hermit. i really can't stand this attention. people say i have psychological disorders and that i go through phases of awkward stability. but that makes me question, isn't everyone unstable at times? then doesn't everyone have some sort of disorder even if it's not that noticeable? i don't like plays, i don't like drama. for the fact, everyday of my life, i try to live it as if i am not lying to myself. i like to live my life as truthfully as this world may allow it. and that's not alot if you were to come to think about it. this world doesn't like the truth, on some level's it's allergic. but there's always a greater good for what seems unpleasant.

i'm not feeling very very sick. i'm going to be leaving for church in another half an hour or so. args. i feel sooo sick and tired. well my voice is still like awkward. i sound like crap. i look like crap...but hey...that's not for you to judge anyways. hehehe=>:D:P as long as i'm still a decent person then hey, everything is alright.

reading some of the bible, i come to see some of people that were in it. hm. how i'd hate to be the one that lost everything. i mean, loosing money is fine, but loosing friends and family is something i couldn't ever handle. at no time did he ever say, GOD i hate you, but instead, he is like, GOD's doing this for a reason. or he came to question GOD's intent, but he never did say GOD i hate you. oh yeah, that sermon thingy that was quite stupid......GOOD without GOD is zero. i mean, if you really did that, it would be the letter "o" but i get where the preacher was coming from. i suppose that sermon and the one about GOD having no GRANDCHILDREN are my most memorable sermons. but then again, i don't remember anything besides the name of the sermon anyways. haveta go now even though i have much more to write, haveta go to churchie. hm. hope to be home soon. good day to you all

what makes me different is what makes everyone the same.

now coming to think of reponses to questions that people have asked me. i don't give proper answers, why? because the ultimate choice is for you to do and not simply just listen. i like to give advice, but i know that you may or may not choose to do what i have said that you should do, so i ultimately always say, but of course, it's ur choice at the end. i simply just give more suggestions on what to do. i mean, i'm hated now and even more in the future. like it goes, people don't like it when people seem to have no mind of their own, and that is the way i seeem to be. i mean, i will always be one of those people that will never be understood by many. i mean, my mind seems to be complexed on many levels, but there is always simplicity among the chaos. if no one is willing to see the simplicity among what seems to be confusing, then there isn't much to understand. what makes it difficult to be close to people like me is this, it seems that i either have no emotion at all, or i'm just too emotional and cry or get angry or laugh all the time. i mean, i can really be detached sometimes. i mean, when i know i'm going to be in the company of people, before that present moment, i simply don't want to be around people. i rather wish to be in that little corner, knitting, folding cranes, folding stars, reading, or doing homework by myself. i simply feel to be allergic to people at certain moments. i mean, i still haven't been able to like hug people, hugging feels sooo awkward to me. and forever, it will feel awkward to me.
i mean, some moments, all i wish is to be hugged forever and never be let go of, but at other times, i wish that no one would come close and not even see this face of mine. i won't say i'm ugly, because, in fact, beauty is only in the eye of the beholder. yet i know, time and time again, people don't say i'm ugly, but truth is, they don't want to hurt me, they don't want me to feel hideous. people don't want me to feel unloved any more. i mean, there are reasons why i don't tell everyone my past. i mean, all those who i have been friends with for a few years, i may tell them, but besides that, my past isn't a fairy tale that everyone should hear. i mean, all those who ask, i will tell, but i'm very conscious when i do tell. a reson for this is the following. once i tell people that i've never felt really loved, that i never really had friends, and i never really knew how to trust people, some people pity me. some people love me for the fact that i've had such a bad past. some people are my friends because they want me to no longer feel so miserable and just live a happier life than i did before.
i mean, all that stuff is great, but don't give me your pity. i mean, you people don't want to hear it. and when i tell you, i'll only bring it up over and over again. people don't wanna hear about misfortunes. people don't wanna hear about pain. people only want to stay in those lil fantasy bubles that they have made for themselves their whole life.

you can say i'm bitter to life. you can say that i'm bitter to man. you can say that i'm just a bitter person. but bitterness is only for you to see and not to be felt.

let's just say that the season for christmas should be abundant all year round. yeah, people don't like me for the reason of being too nice? why? because people can't understand that being nice is something that makes you feel better? hm. why do people always think that being nice to some one must have some negative consequence? i don't get it. what is wrong with people now days?

hm.....the gift thing....i never quite got to finishe my thought, my sister interupted me. so yeah. the issue there was that christmas isn't about the gifts, it's not about how much we spend, but it's rather about the love that we show and demonstrate. it's the time you take to make something better than it is. i mean, people take for granted that they can actually have a christmas. people don't understand that christmas doesn't have to be for the gifts. i mean, i take the time to make every single one of mines, only because i have a yearning to learn to make sumthing. i take the time and heart to make it so that it looks perfect for someone. i like to see the smile on someone's face after giving them a present. the satisfaction isn't there when i simply buy a gift without reason. a gift is from the heart. and without the heart, there is no proper present. the heart symbolises love, love which humans at first didn't have. humans are dust. from dust we were formed to dust we return. but that's besides the point. love is not possible if you were dust, that's all i'm trying to demonstrate. dust is given the breath of life, the breath coming from GOD. GOD being love, then henceforth letting us to be able to receive and return love. now you get my thought? WITHOUT GOD, YOU WILL BE UNABLE TO LOVE. that's simply my thought, my conclusion.

has anyone once told you about what hope is? now, i don't want to give you a dictionary definition. but as the way i see it. yeah, i am an opinionated freak, and if you have any problems with that, you can just hunt me down, stalk me and then shoot me. i mean, i'm not inviting you to do so, but just for me to warn you, there are more than just one of me out there. there are tons more that think about everything. well, it's not that i am opinionated.....or maybe the correct term for it is that i just have alot on my mind....and these are not just opinions.

i had the most weirdest dream last night. and don't even ask me what it was. it was just desturbing, and i will not picture what i saw in my sleep. you may say that i lust, and therefore i see, but is that subconscious or consciously? sighs sighs. can i be forgiven? but i cannot only because i do not fogive self. yet i ask for forgiveness and do what i ask to be forgiven of over and over again. why can human errors not change? i mean, they can, but it takes more time. as a person, a human expects change tooo rapidly. one wants to much and become unsatisfied with what they have received. did you purposely leave the receipt in their? hm. there are 4 types of people when it comes to gifts.

1) they have no heart into it, and they only buy what they want thinking that you would like the gift too
2) they put thought into the gift buying, but have no heart and end up buying what they like knowing that the other person will like it too
3) the one that spends much time in searching for the right gift, finding the right amount to save up for it and buying it knowing that it's what they want and it's for sure
4) the last type, what people would call cheap gifts, but is made with the most amount of time and heart and effort, something that is made to the most perfect way that human hands can get an object to be.

now basically, this also breaks into how much a person spends when it comes to buying gifts. person three would most likely spend the most and person number four would spend the less. but the fact is, besides really close friends and family, rarely does one spend so much time in shopping for the item the person knows they want. hm. let's just say, it's normally a gift that was asked for more than was just given. so unless person number one and two were rich, it is most likely that a gift is not past 100 mark at our age. but this really doesn't matter, you prolly don't want people to give you gifts that you know they only bought for themselves. i mean, a gift is a gift, but not all gifts should be taken. it's the moral of the concept, and i have many. i mean, at the time, i can be quite ignorant, i've accepted many of these types of gifts, where people only buy for themselves.....i not caring what it was at the time accepted because i thought it came from the bottom of their hearts. turning my head to think, i know what type of person i am. i'm down right cheap when it comes to giving gifts to people. i don't like shopping for others, but i don't like to go shopping just for myself. so in the time of a shopping spree, i spend one or two items for others looking like a big person, while the reason behind the spending is only because i don't want to buy for myself. i once said that i'd give my world away, and i've come to notice that it is for selfish reasons that i give it away.

hm. haven't really been doing much this holiday. haveta start on my homework though. hm.

it's sweet. hehehe=.:D:P and i think you all know what i'm talking about, or at least those that i've talked to about or know what i'm saying is sweet. hehehe=>:D:P it's boxing day now. hm. i'm kinda tired and i should sleep, but i'm in no mood, my teeth hurt. args args.

well some people say there is more than just a lil sumthing behind all of it when it comes to giving gifts, and i really believe, christmas isn't the only time for gifts. gifts can and should be given year round. maybe in that way, love will be seen through every action, every thought, ever word. in a sense, maybe some times a person's emotion/ affection for someone does not merely have to be represented by the gift that they spend time to search, but rather, the actions from the heart. it's once said in the bible that the tongue only speaks what the heart cannot. well i may be interpreting it wrong, but egh....those are how i translate it in my mind. or at least at the time. Christmas is not a time only for gift exchange. Christmas is not the only time where families' should get together and have a united family dinner. i swear. some people just odn't understand. yeah, i know that Christmas is a christian holiday, but who really gives a damn if you are christian or not....wait....i take bak those words....for i am christian....and i care if you aren't or not. are not all religions teaching the same thing? well with a minor exception to satanist and it's divisions, all religions say that you should treat unto others as you would have treated unto yourself. it's just the golden unspoken rule. in this generation, the golden rule of treating others is being forgotten. will my children suffer because i see a different way in living? why am i worrying about the future?

my sister isn't home yet, and she'll prolly come home at one again. args. she's gonna be getting a yelling from mommy and daddy tom again. args....why can she stay till 12 and not get yelled at as of myself...i can't even stay out till 10? oh wellz. she's older. supposed to be more mature and able to handle situations better. so i won't argue, my parents only want the best of me. i'm really trying hard this year to be a better daughter. i suppose you can say it's my new years resolution, but it's not for just this year i am trying, i will try for my life i suppose. i have a temper problems, i'm a spoiled brat, and i always get my way. i will try harder so that i won't get my way and others get theirs. in a way you may say i'm being irrational and not understanding the concept, but i tell you, there's a reasoning behind every action. it's not for you to know the reason, but to see the action. the action is for you to interpret. nothing more can be done to change your mind if you have already set your mind to something.

my thoughts run wild, and as my friends say, my thoughts are too many and i think too much. in a mist of a storm, don't you wish that there was someone to do your thinking while you panic? when you wish that i am no more, there will be more of those times that you wish that you can see me around. i smile thinking of what coulda happened if i'd had taken the chance, but too bad there are things that you just couldn't have done. i've been watching a very old tvb thingy, and it makes me see the values of people in full perspective. i don't know. i see many thngs that i wish not tosee, but at the time, i know there is a reason why i see things as it is. hm. i think i will take psychology, and i will take sociology at the same time later in my life. because i really think it is important that i take the course. but as my choice is becoming clearer at this time, people agree with my choice. i have much encouragement that this is one of those professions that will enjoy at the time that i will fret. as i do that personality tests, those profession test always tell me the same thing. if i set my mind, i will be that kind of person that i will succeed. and i must choose a profession that i will be interested or i will not succeed.

i have no doubt there is a reason why i'm like this. people think i am spoiled, and i will tell you i am. people say that i am arrogant, that i may be at times. what i am is of none of your concern unless i am a bad person that treats you like trash, but as a person, i can never treat you like trash. yes, there is a person that i hate beyond hatred.....but yet at the time, i give him the curtesy to not beat him to a pulp. i know i have said that the next time i see him, i will beat him, and time and time again, i see him, but i do nothing. why do i do nothing? i give him the respect as a person. i've learnt to love my enemy. i have got an enemy, but i really want to see what his reaction would be if i died because he killed me. would he feel the regret? has he seen the times that i honestly cared as a friend? but honestly people that don't see how people care and how they care, well then those people are what in other times be called as "not worth a dog" well translated from chinese.

many times people don't understand how it is to care. many times, people don't understand why people care. for the obvious reasons, there are so many times when people think they shouldn't care about certain people. but i will contintue saying this, when they seem to deserve your hope, love, and time, they need it the most. there are those that just don't receive it, you cannot inforce a gift upon a soul like that, so you just leave your gift at the door waiting for them to pick it up. if they don't pick it up till it's already gone, it's their lost for eternity.

okayz. been asked time and time again, why the title to my blog is even word's can't describe. the truth is. when you really think about what you have been feelings, your feelings can never be described in words. think of it this way....feelings are just what they are....feelings. feelings can never be described fully by the words that are coming out of your mouth. firstly, one reason is this, words can be interpreted, something as an emotion as innocent as love can be interpreted as lust. people don't seem to be on the same wave length as you when you are describing things. there are many actions that seem to be mean actions, but when you really think about it, what is the meaning behind the harshness. many times, people hat others only because they seem mean to them because they THINK that that person wants them dead or something. the truth is, sometimes, harshness results in better character. a bitter character at times, but it makes you build up your character. there are times when too much harshness drives you to the end of the line, but the fact is.......you are still ultimately in control of how you handle the situation. GOD is always near. he is by ur side till the very end, and even past the end. there is only one person that can surpass time and that is GOD, so from even before your beginning, he was there, and till the end of you, he will there, and even past the end, he will be there. he was, is, and forever will be the alpha, and the omega. i don't know why that came to my head, it just did. gotsta start reading my bible again. yeah, i'm a JESUS freak, and whoever finds a problem with me that sense, kill me. i'd rather be a martyr then be talked behind my bak. maybe it's the traditional chinese way that i was raised, but pride, and glory are very important. i'd rather die before i betray myself, my family, and my beliefs. i don't know. when i say that, i think of that chinese saying. and then when i think of that chinese saying, i think of that saying about how guys should bleed before they cry. and that saying infuriates me, but i understand where it's coming from. the male role should be the provider, protector, leader, strength of the family, house, and whatever. if you show weakness, then people will take that and use it against you. and when i think about using something against you, i think how you are cautious of your every thought you post on line. and this kinda dims the smile on my face and lights a bulb in my head. people that think have everything to be held against them. most times, those that think have all their emotions hidden sooo well that everyone can interpret it, and then there are those that have their thoughts running wild also have their emotions on their sleeves.

in this world, it's hard to find a balance for something. when people think they have found that hard foundation which can be called their balance, everything gets flipped up side down and everything is messed up. crisis is always followed by a pit.

hm. haven't updated my thoughts in a while. haven't even gone on the pc for a while now. so yeah. people think it's funny how i am so easy going. hm. every person's best friend. oh wellz. whateva. hehehe=>:D:P christmas isn't so lonely afterall. i don't need to be with someone to be complete. hehehe=>:D:P it's the truth. most truths hurt....oh wellz. so amazingly tired.

'm staring at the face of tomorrow. i don't know why i see this face, but i do. i see, someone smiling at me. i don't know. i've never seen this person in my life, but all i see in my head is this at the present moment. this is not kool. is this a dejavu? args. hm...well going downtown tom...hehehe=>:D:P yayay!!! it's all good. so very tired. nothing else to do. i don't really mind. i haveta still buy gifts for people. considering that one is having a birthday coming up, and the other....well just say is another birthday. i don't know, but some how, i'm really sick of the way i'm living. i procrastinate as muchie as possible. args. this christmas i must work. through all the plans i've made, i haveta make time for work. you know what the sad part is about all this? the one christmas break that i have stuff planned to be done, i actually like haveta go do skoolwork. oh wellz. sighs sighs. can't wait till tom doe, going shopping. hehehe=>:D:P well i don't know...going to meet up with like matt, hm....is that wise? erg.....i suppose it's not sumthing bad. hm. lately i've been sick witha a sore throat and like high fevers, this is not kool, but i will sooo be going tom. sighs sighs. args....why do random people always call me buddy?!?!? args args...... this is soo unkool

i do not know what to wear for tomorrow!!! this is soo evil!!! i've never ran outta ideas in looking decent before. i don't know what to wear. should i be comfortable and warm or should i look good and be a lil chilly? args. i have no clue. or i could simply just wear what i wore before. hm. darn stupid damn shoes. args args. hm. i'm sick and tired of hearing all these people talk about, what's the deal??? oh wellz. hehehe=>:D:P meeting new people, hey....they can be my friends! awesome!!! hehehe=>:D:P fantastic! hehehe=>:D:P i like meeting new people. it's soo fun. i sound like a tard....args.....but that's not my intention....grrr

there's not much to say.

well i've been thinking as usual again.......when someone says that they've never used someone, they have become a liar and like a user. it's all sooo fake. time and time again, i come to think about it....if i consciously think of the things i've done.....well consciously i am not using the person, but if you were looking behind the motive, it was kinda because of my own laziness. does that not put it in the term of using someone? i don't know. sighs sighs.

people say i think tooo much about everything. even things that don't bug me in my life just yet, but i still fret. but whateva. i have no clue. sighs sighs. i'm very sick and i'm very tired of hearing about all these people. gossip is in the air. is not every season supposed to be warm at heart? many people don't understand that christmas is not the only time of the year where you are supposed to love and show affection to everyone. what you show and feel towards everyone should be every time of the year, not just during the christmas season. args.

CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!! CAN'T WAIT FOR TOMORROW!!!!!

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well, i'm was lying in bead, and then i come to think of the thoughts that i have thought in the past recent times. it's somewhat funny if you were to ever ask me. i rack my mind trying to think of more thrilling thoughts to read, and then i realize....what's the point. there is nothing new under the sun. there will always be those that think like i do, and there will always be thoughts just like mine, just that they are not expressed the same way does not mean that it's new. it's funny how everyone can read my thoughts, and a very rare percent do. hahaha=>:D:P sometimes i wish the world to read my thoughts, and at other times, i wish not a soul would read it. sometimes i wish that life weren't so vain and that well......that things went smoothly. then i come to think....if life were smooth, everyone would be spoiled brats, they would not know what was good for them and what wasn't. you cannot be an ideal gas because there will always be attraction and there will always be mass even if it is small compared to the space you take up. jordan is always saying how in my thoughts i talk about everything and i think about everything. the big and the small all jumbled up in one big thought. it's not true is it? i don't know. maybe it's true that i honestly think way tooo muchie. hm. i don't know. i'm skipping skool today so i could rest more...and in a sense, i could only sleep to ten again......and now i'm fully awake wishing i was in bed....but can't be in bed...sux sooo muchie...grrrrr.....

sighs. i'm in class today. and all i have to do is everything for every class, but i have nothing to do that i can do because basically, my mind isn't even in the class. i'm not thinking of anyone, or anything, i'm just tired. args. i'm like medicated, and i'm woozy. sighs sighs. i am sooo going downtown on friday, so i better become better. grrrr....hehehe=>:D:P oh wellz. it's all good. mommy wants me to stay home, but she's still giving me 20 dollars to like go downtown, ain't my mommy nice? hehehe=>:D:P

have you ever been afraid of yourself? have you been afraid that life would end so very soon or too late? are there times that you wish to turn back the hands of times? i have no clue. let's just say that there are times in my life when i've thought about too much. there are times in everyone's life when they regret, or at least don't want things to be a certain way. i have no clue.

hm....some people say i'm pretty, some people say i'm ugly. some people just say i'm Sabina. yeah. i suppose i miss you, but really? do i? i'll just say that i do because at this present moment, i'm not really thinking about anything. i just wish that life would stop just in the moment that it is now. it's funny how things that you want to happen never really hapen the way you want it to happen. it's funny how when you work hard you get disappointed, but when you don't work at all, you feel no disappointment at all. it's funny how things work out to be the way they do.

i suppose my anger is set off by annoyance and that little things make me peeved. let's just say that i have low patience. this i just might be. i wish i were a more patient person. i wish i were able to endure more. sihs sighs oh wellz. no problems though, because i suppose change can occur. let's say that today my class is extremely quiet, not even a mouse is peeping. weird and awkward if you ask me. hm

let's just say that the hands of time are ticking. nothing in this world would make it stop. hm....head spinning. thoughts not coherent....args args........i'm sick during the time that i shouldn't be. args args. all i ned is sleep. args args. want rest, but rest won't come. burning up with fever, but no one knows until the final touch. the smiles hide my pain. i am the girl in the corner always smiling even in pain. sighs sighs. love you all, rest in peace.......l8a

oh bum bum. you make me smile. :D oh oh......you are going to sooo haveto take a picture with me!!!! hehehe=>:D:P well alot of people have to take pictures with me. hehehe=>:D:P

args....why are people buying me thongs??? are they hinting that my underwear line shows in the pants i wear or sumthing? evil evil. args. do i look like a slut.....wait....but in a way....i am......hm.....oh wellz. why is val hooking me up? hm....i don't know da guy, i've never seen da guy before....hm. i'll just be friends...heheheh

why is val so funny? hehehe=>:D:P oh wellz. i suppose i got pretty desperate at some time during this christmas season cause i felt soooo lonely. but i'm not like dat n e more. getting baptized. getting so see old friends. hehehe=>:D:P so happy!

to my best friend. i'm sorry that i got mad at you. i don't know why, i suppose you were that vent. i'm sorry. i shouldn't use my friends to vent my annoyance and anger like that. i suppose at the time i meant the thigns that i said, and maybe in my mind, i might still sometimes. but i know you are my friend, and one that i consider my best. if you leave me during hard times, that's fine, because i understand why. if you leave because you are uncomfortable with my presence, i'm still fine, just sad. i know you wish to never part, but sometimes, it's for the better, and sometimes it's not possible to part. some people come into your life for a reason....some go, and some stay. and to you, hoping that my best friend will stay by my side forever, i shall never choose to part unless circumstances only permit one way out. taking best friends forever a whole new level, but sometimes, forever is to short. love you now and forever, your friend always.

hm.....it's not weakness that a guy can cry. i don't know many guys that cry over the same things that a girl cries about. i was going to call you tonight, but decided it was better that i didn't. maybe it's because i'm angry at myself, but i really don't believe that i should. yeah. my baptismal is on the 31st, at mca, at like 9:00. but then again, i'd understand if you didn't show up. for i told alot of people to come, but they prolly won't. i have no clue.

wow.....a mouth with such hatred, such anger, such passion. wow....i didn't know i wrote like that! hm. somehow in my mind, those words from my last entry don't even seem to be mine. yeah....boi....that entry was for you.....i wrote to you because i was angry. and i don't know. all times everyone just wishes i were happy and think less. but really, does thinking less make you happy, does it not just make you become more unrealistic. i mean.....i'm a realistic/ idealist freak. yeah. i see things just as they are....and then some. i enjoy a good laugh, but good laughs are sooo few. what i laugh at is the stupidity of my own actions. my thoughts don't do you good. my thoughts are like junk food for your mind and soul. why bother with this shit? args. but i can't stop writing, for if i do, i'll loose that release. if i have no where to go to release myself of my tensions, i will have no one. yeah. as i've said before....i will be the recluse in the very back corner where no one sees, no one knows about, no one hears. yeah. i'm not that pathetic, but obviously so, i feel lonely even though i know i'm not. but i feel empty because the friends i have now, they know nothing about me. i mean, i am willing to share, but if you are unwilling to ask to know more, what's the point. yeah. i dwell in the past living my life in fast forward. you'd say why dwell in the past? yeah, the past has made meh me, a bitter conceited little fool, you think i care? yeah i actually do, so don't you dare even saying those words bak to me, or i'll beat the shitt outta you and make you eat it up again!

IT'S MORE THAN LIKELY THAT I WOULD FRICKEN CARE.....SO JUST PISS OFF!!!!!

people say i take no inituative in making myself feel better. people say i don't take enuff first steps into making people talk to you. yeah. i'll be that recluse, i really don't care now. maybe loneliness is the way i'm supposed to feel. yeah. sighs sighs. i had a good week till tonight. sighs sighs. nothing actually went bad for me. args...why the hell am i pissed off, upset and sad, and depressed? why why why? args....words are sooo pointless and meaningless. args....i don't understand this.

everyone tells me to stop thinking. man, you think i try to think? what the fucking hell is wrong with this? man. don't people understand that i don't consciously? sighs. i just don't understand. what is wrong with me? why am i so unbalanced? why am i one minute smiling and then the other minute crying? why is it then that the following minute i'm yelling at myself? why? it's not bloody likely that i'd cheer up quick. it's not the end of the world to be unhappy, unless you actually do end your world. sighs sighs. you know, maybe all i need tonight is a large glass of vodka or sumthing and just sleep it all off. sighs sighs.

when i get attached, people don't understand why i should have a need to be attached. sighs sighs. people don't understand how important relationships are to me. i mean, friendship wise, family wise, and like everything else. i mean. people see how it affects my life, but they don't understand the impact. sighs sighs. people say you can never really forget ur first love. well you know what....when i said i'd never forget, i actually meant it, but the truth is.....it's like a scent that doesn't last forever. the tide does not stay in one place. the waves are constant and even in calm waters there is movement.

you don't want me upset, then stop ignoring me. sighs. conversations runs dry. relationships fall before my eyes. everytime i move one step forward...you run two steps away from me. you are horrible you know that right? i call you my best friend, and maybe you are undeserving. sighs sighs. no one deserves anything. no one. shall i run away tonight or shall i save up more money so that i can run away? shall i overdose tonight or some other time? is there no time like the present? thoughts, thoughts, thoughts....mere, minor, minuscule, worth nothing of your time. i post these thoughts for myself....and you may read if you like...but it's not bloody likely that you will. eww...bloody is such a british term....and i'll stick with my chinese slang thank you very much.

yeah, i'm sick of all this shit. no, sylvia plath has no impact on my life. i'm sorry to say, but i can honestly say, all here thoughts that were written at the age of 30, i've already come to think of it at the mere age of 16.....and many times even before that. and therefore, her words have no meaning to me. as all literary work, it is of no significance to me, besides what they are...a work of vocab and a work of understand. nothing more. gives no insight, no enlightenment, nothing. my mind is racked to think of words to depict the images that i see. there are not enuff. my short vocab list runs short and the scrutiny of my thoughts does no one good. you should heed a warning, if you aren't going to do anything about the way i think and feel, don't ever bother to ever read my thoughts again. i mean....sure you can read it...what good does it do you? absolutely nothing, so you might as well not bother ever again....why waste ur time right?

i mean......i feel like crying now....and i suppose i am. i suppose my tears have flown, but i feel soo numb that all the feeling of my limps and body i feel nothing. i mean, waiting for a physical form, i never have the patience for. but waiting emotionally, i can give you all the time in the world. sighs sighs. but the thing is....if choices were based solely on attraction or feelings, then you never based it on anything solid to begin with. sighs.....

my problems are petty problems. sighs sighs. no one actually comes to comprehend why i think the way i think. no one comes to comprehend the reasons why i'm sensitive any more. sighs sighs. i wanna set myself apart from this cold cold harsh world. i don't need a reason to be kind or nice, but obviously, people in this world don't understand. hm. honestly, if the world was mine to give, everyone would have it.

i have no one to confide with except myself. i have no one to run to except myself. yeah, i'm self-centered and self-involved. but is that not the truth. if you never watch for your own bak....there will be no one watchin for yours. you noe what i really don't like? i don't like empty threats. if someone is to scared to do what they say, they shouldn't be saying such shit talk to begin with. i'm sorry, but i really have minimal amounts for those that don't follow up on their words. i mean, when i threaten someone......you better pull me away as fast as possible, because i know i will throw a punch if i said i'd start a fight. everyone noes that i don't just say things. sighs sighs.

now.....i'll just go punch a wall in my sleep now. and i'll go have another talking dream where i'm all frustrated. i suppose no one will actually care. if i keep this up frequently, i think i may need to go to a doctor. i am constantly breaking down. i can't help this. i seem to have no more energy. but as usual, it's stress level rising.

you know, the truth is, i'm not afraid of anything outside of my house. sighs sighs. i think i've figured out why i'm always whimpering in the corner whenever there's a fight in my house....i finally understand. it didn't take you to help me figure it out. obviously you were no help at all. obviously you have ur own problems, and i don't blame you.

sighs sighs. i feel soo sick. i feel soo tired. args args. i feel soo weak. why do i feel so crummy. yeah....my nickname on msn currently is survival of the fittest? sighs sighs. and lately, i've been thinking about this. and more and more i come to think of it this way, i don't enjoy all that i'm doing. and everytime i come to think about the way i'm living, i am not fit to live. yeah, i've become a depressed fool again. my smiles seem so real, but yet not everyone sees. i mean, i may be content in the time being, but content is only being satisfied for a short while. i have CHRIST in my life, and no matter what, that won't change for i don't believe that there is any better than him. but the fact remains.....i still feel empty, which i know i shouldn't. i feel unhappy, which i noe i shouldn't either. i feel unfulfilled, which shouldn't happen, but it does because, well simply saying......when one thing goes wrong in my life, i'm like a ticking time bomb.

my best friend is going through ruff times. maybe typical for him. yes, he's always there to listen. and like everyone else, everyone i call my friends, have someone left no time for me. the only one who has time for me is simply myself. i have no one to rely on except myself. the harshness of reality. maybe that is why i shall never marry, for the fact that even my husband won't be there. i mean, strictly speaking, it's not that i need someone there 24/7, i need someone there when i need and when i don't need. the fact that you are willing to give the time for me is good enuff. sighs. who am i directing these thoughts to, i don't know. at the present moments, all i see are my failures in life. i mean, i don't fail, that's just not me. i don't do well, but i never fail. so basically, i'm seeing all the times when i could have done better. there is never the best, only ever better. so in the criteria, my whole life could have been differently. maybe if i had learned to be more feminine. maybe if i learnt to be more friendly. maybe if i had learnt to be more curteous. maybe if i had learnt to be more independant. all these maybe's and what ifs,

i don't know, in skool, i've always done well. i mean, i odn't have strong worth ethics like alot of my friends, but i do work when i can and need to. but lately, i just can't work. lately, i haven't been able to focus my mind on skool, not because i'm thinking ofpeople, i don't actually focus on anything. no, my mind is not a one track mind on sex as some people at skool may think. sighs sighs. does everyone live split lives? args args. sighs sighs. my life is like an open book, if you are willing to read the pages, then you'd understand, if you are unwilling to read, than well, you would never know. sighs sighs.

yeah, i've been having frequent headaches lately, and i've been having frequent nosebleeds. no i do not have a brain tumour. it's just simply that the air is dry, and i haven't had anuff sleep as usual. i strain my body and i lack the energy. i fall asleep in class and i fall asleep any where else. is my body lacking iron? sighs sighs. but i'm not anemic though, that's the thing. i have enuff supply of iron. sighs sighs.

what can i say......all my "i miss you's" they don't mean a thing. and all my "i love you's" are just simply words. i mean, for me....when i hear anyone saying it to me, it makes me proud. but i suppose my words means nothing to you. yeah. from a movie i was watching....."i finially figured out that having a broken heart hurt more than giving birth" and now i suppose it's true. my heart breaks time and time again. no, it does not break because i was in love, but simply, those that i did love just coincidentally disappeared. is there no time in the world left for me anymore? sighs.

muhahaha. i'm getting more and more tired. sighs sighs. args args. love??

gonna sleep now....

SELENE: You are selene!
Beautiful, vivacious,
fierce and seductive, Selene vowed she would
destroy Lycans after her family was murdered by
the werewolves. So ruthless is she that selene
is a member of the Death Dealers. This elite
Vampire warrior class's mission is to make the
Lycans extinct. This 127-year-old
"aggressive hunter of the underworld"
combines a mastery of ancient weaponry with
modern pleasures, such as driving Jaguars and
using computers. However, Selene's ambitions
are suppressed by Kraven. She longs for
Viktor's reawakening so that he becomes the
Vampire's regent once again.

Ever wish
you could be a vampire?



Which UNDERWORLD character are you?
brought to you by Quizilla

Your soul is bound to the White Rose: The
Pure.

"I've been waiting in the dark for a long
time, shining my beacon of hope through the
shadow. If you see me, don't you hide your
eyes from me."

The White Rose is associated with purity, honor,
and chastity. It is governed by the goddess
Artemis and its sign is The Cross, or Agape.

As a White Rose, you are a person of your word.
You may have a strong moral code, but
regardless of your virtue, you always stay true
to yourself. To you, love is the most pure of
emotional forms and it's just a matter of
waiting for it to bless you. Some people may
say you are too idealistic, but it's only
because you don't want to mess things up.


What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
brought to you by Quizilla


You are Storm!

You are very strong and very protective of those
you love. You are in tune with nature and are
very concerned with justice and humanity.
Unfortunately, certain apprehensions and fears
are very hard for you to overcome, and can
often inhibit you when most need to be strong.


Which X-Men character are you most like?
brought to you by Quizilla


You are naturally born with a gift, whether it be
poetry, writing or song. You love beauty and
creativity, and usually are highly intelligent.
Others view you as mysterious and dreamy, yet
also bold since you hold firm in your beliefs.


What Type of Soul Do You Have ?
brought to you by Quizilla

You are an individual,go you! You think for
yourself and don't need to wear tight shirts
and short skirts to get the attention you
want.You are somewhat depressed but try not to
let people know.That where the cutting comes
in.You're not one of thoes people who need to
be labeled and you dont have a group.You're
just you.By the way,please vote for my quiz!


What clique do you belong in?
brought to you by Quizilla


You're the sad smile,the one that regrets nearly
everything and is constantly wondering about
what could have been.You're not happy with your
situation and usually blame yourself because of
the bad things that have happened.Cheer up.


What Kind of Smile are You?
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You're unsure whether you really want to smile or
not.You just curl your lips up at the corners a
bit and let that get you through your day.You
don't have all the answers,and you certainly
don't feel like going out to look for them.Stop
being so indecisive.


What Kind of Smile are You?
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okayz....same test two answers?!?!?!

Umm, you might consider suicide maybe a total of
about 10 times in your life. You think that
sometimes life can become too stressful and you
just wanna leave it all behind and die. But
don't worry. It will pass in time. I hope you
liked the quiz! Please Rate!!! `-)


Are you going to commit suicide? (PLEASE RATE) `-)
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Your Heart is Red


What Color is Your Heart?
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it sux some ass. but i'm tired. and i'm becoming ill now. it's not kool. hm. i have an interveiw thingy on friday...args...i hope it would be alrights.

it's not kool to have high expectations...you just always get hurts....that's evil...

change....wow....a six letter words....why are there sooo many effects? i don't get it. what is change? is change just simply something that has beeen altered some way from it's original form? wow......i'm tired.....

sitting in class and doing nothing. so as usual, i'm just sitting in class and thinking. hahaha. it's funny. jenny is sitting on one side to me, and there is another person sitting beside me. hahaha. i'm in tourism classie right now. it's fun. it's one of the best classes i've had in a long time now. maybe it's the teacher, maybe it's the course, maybe it's the people, but then again....scrap the idea for the people. hm. typnig is fun when you want to type. let's ee. first period, i got alot done. hm. i'm getting nervous, i have to talk about the poem tomorrow. it's that little analysis of the poems that make me nervous. i have no clue, i like to talk about poems. i'm good at analysing. maybe that's why my sister thinks that psychology is a course that i should take.

but i have no clue. what i want to do and what i should do is two different things. hm. why am i so unfocused? why am i sooo confused? i do i feel so emotionless? i don't know. this is confusing.

people say i'm nice....and that at times, it seems that i'm nice for an alternative reason then the obvious. is being nice such a thing where people must be so careful into trusting? hm.

all my life i've had trusting problems.....and all my life so far, i've never been somewhere in between. i have no balance, besides in the factor of emotions. i don't know

who even bothers to read my thoughts? it's such a waste of time to do. the only reason why i do this is to pass the time. when unpleasantries come, it's much easier to speak it out than to keep it inside. but at times, the internet isn't safe enuff to put down every detail that plagues ur mind, ur heart, and ur soul. it is much safer to not post thoughts at all. it's best if internet wasn't a necessity. the problem with all this is that i'm very traditional. i'm a very naturalistic person. but then agani....i'm very weird....oh wellz.....meh sooo tired. meh thinking toooo muchie as usual. and i really wish that i could smile not because of fakeness.....

i don't get it......

may i know who you like? i really want to know. args args. this is soooo very annoying. i really wish to know who you like. but then again.....would it ever work even if i knew that you liked me? hahaha=>:D:P well only time will tell...and my dreams hold no place for you now because i don't like to dream of the uncertain. i don't like to be dreaming of what is not certain in my life. i'm not a big risk taker. i mean, i take them day in and day out by even walking to the bus stop, but those are risk i must do. by waking up and stepping off my bed...i am making a risk.

why do you keep me hanging on by a small short thread? i don't understand, why do you lik to play with me like that? hahaha=>:D:P my heart is under lock and key, but only i can unlock it. hahaha=>:D:P but i must warn, that my heart is too valuble....and so is everyone else's...but obviously people don't have the heart to care....but that' their problem...no one except your own....

hm.....this is crazy....

it feels soo weird that it must be dejavu...args args.....
but boi....i'm sooo glad that i found you. hehehe

hm....music has alot to do with your physical form. it's wierd. wow...whack...totally whack...hehehe=>:D:P i'm tired...so very tired...but i really wish i weren't.

i trust too well

some times in disbelieve that i never knew
some times i need to be alone

forget about the memories....
forget the possibilities

you remind me of a love that i knew.
feels so weird it must be dejavu
you remind me that i ain't got a clue
boi i'm sooo glad that i found you

i never thought i could love again.
i'm sooo confused that you ain't the same

args....why does my pc lag soooo bad now days??? args....do i have tooo many files??? args args...i have less than half of the pc used though..what the heck??? virus?!?!?1 NO!!!!!!

You're Most Like The Season Spring ...

Fresh faced, with a young outlook on life - you
smile at the world and expect it to smile back
at you. You're mostly a bubbly, fun - innocent
person. Described as cute possibly. However,
you're a little naive about things and tend to
be a little too trustworthy.
As the first season, It Makes you the youngest -
and so most immature - but people are inclined
to look out for and protect you.

Well done... You're the most fun of the seasons :)


?? Which Season Are You ??
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You are Romans.


Which book of the Bible are you?
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Your soul is bound to the White Rose: The
Pure.

"I've been waiting in the dark for a long
time, shining my beacon of hope through the
shadow. If you see me, don't you hide your
eyes from me."

The White Rose is associated with purity, honor,
and chastity. It is governed by the goddess
Artemis and its sign is The Cross, or Agape.

As a White Rose, you are a person of your word.
You may have a strong moral code, but
regardless of your virtue, you always stay true
to yourself. To you, love is the most pure of
emotional forms and it's just a matter of
waiting for it to bless you. Some people may
say you are too idealistic, but it's only
because you don't want to mess things up.


What Rose Is Your Soul Bound To?
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Rhiakath is your Vampire name.
You are an image of the Vampire Lestat. You love
yourself, and rightly so, because you are
clever, witty, sexy, and very cunning.
To use your new Vampire name and become a Vampire,
go here:
www.life-blood.vze.com


What is your Vampire name?
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You represent... loneliness.
Always alone and always sad about it... unlike
angst, you don't have to look for a reason to
be miserable. You want to be in the company of
people but aren't sure how to act when you're
with them. Sometimes you have to make an
effort. You can't always wait for others to
come to you.


What feeling do you represent?
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My inner child is sixteen years old!

Life's not fair! It's never been fair, but while
adults might just accept that, I know
something's gotta change. And it's gonna
change, just as soon as I become an adult and
get some power of my own.


How Old is Your Inner Child?
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<<>>???What Kind Of Angel R You???<<>>( Anime Pics )
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congratulations. you are the "you smell like
butt" bunny. your brutally honest and
always say whats on your mind.


which happy bunny are you?
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You are the mystery woman


Which Ultimate Beautiful Woman are You?
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your bitch.


What swear word are you?
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A GAME-BOY. Youre like a tomboy without the love of
sports. Reality sucks, but as long as you have
your electronics you feel you can cope. Time
goes unnoticed when youre locked in your room
hooked up to your Nintendo, rocking to your
favourite collection of guitar-driven albums.
Your virtues: Intelligence, sense-of-humour,
individuality.
Your flaws: Inability to cope with real life,
action-freak spirit, reclusive nature.
EXTRA: Your personality type is the only one on
this quiz that would enjoy www.life-
blood.vze.com Check it out!


What kind of girl are you?
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You should be dating an Aquarius.
20 January - 18 February
Your mate is communicative, thoughtful and caring.
Though he/she can be tactless and rude and
sometimes self-interested, he/she enjoys the
intellectual experience of sex.


What Zodiac Sign Are You Attracted To?
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borderline


Which Personality Disorder Do You Have?
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muhahahah.....it's funny how a heart changes. it's funny how lies backstab. it's funny how stories never come true. it's funny how jokes can spread like wild flowers on line, but yet christianly messages are dispised and rejected. it's funny how you say you love a person one minute and talk behind their back the next. it's funny how i write soo many thoughts but when it comes to homework, i can't even type one single word...sighs sighs

hm. smoking, drinking and swearing. hm. let's see....i never have smoked, nor will i ever want to smoke. drinking, i don't like the taste, and yet people say the taste will grow on me, nor will it ever because i choose to rarely ever drink it, if at all ever. swearing, i can't help it. i get frustrated tooo easily. i have too little of patience. patience is something that comes from love. without love, there will be no patience, without love, there will be no willingness to do anything. without love, no one and nothing would survive.

hm.....yeah, for some reason, the thought......the survival of the fittest comes into mind. i don't know. this must be the influence of brian.....grrrr you brian...grrrr....-_-. but i actually do know why the survival of the fittest comes into mind. our school is having our own little survivor game. so then i think about it. it just so happens that matt oh is one of my better friends.....and therefore....i actually get hyper and want to help cheer. args....see in this world.....people don't understand being a friend of the opposite sex without liking them, it's kind of funny if you ask me. now, why survival comes into mind is for this reason.....i don't want him kicked off, but of course, he's made sooo many enemies in our skool for some reason that everyone is trying to kick him off. whacked. oh wellz. i spend the better of my days trying to save people's asses, whereas the people i no could care less.

this caring less business drives me insane. yeah, call me sensitive, but when people tell me that they could care less, i really actually get offended. i get hurt....it's as if someone drives a stake through my heart and they take it out to let me bleed for hours on end....then my lungs collapse and then all goes dark..... near death experiences can drive people into two categories....one....insane to the point that they are paranoid about every little thing that they do.....or two.....insane to the point that they try to enjoy everything, thinking that it's a second chance in life. the truth is.....we have only got one life to live, and spiritually, maybe two if we even choose to believe in Christ. the fact is....i'm a major church junkie.....i'm a Jesus freak....but i'm such a horrible christian. people couldn't pick me out of a crowd as to being christian to begin with. sighs sighs.

i'm reading my past thoughts. and over and over again, i notice the same thing. never have i not writen in long long periods of time. there are times when i am happy, yet those times, those are not recorded in as much detail as when i am said. man, my vocab level is sooo low. args args. i missie the fact that i don't have anyone. but i don't know why i should fret. if it is meant to be, so it shall. hm. i dont understand why i worry about my friendships between people, it's obvious that they don't care as much as i do.

it's very typical that i get called the perfect friend. it's very typical for people to call meh a snob. it's very typical for people to call meh a fob....it's even more typical for someone to call me a cbc. yeah. go kiss my ass. i am very judgemental. i am very critical. i am filled with bitterness. towards what i am bitter against, i do not know.

you see, as i sit here and think about all that i'm missing, i come to notice that i'm not missing anything at all. i notice that my life has not been deprived of any experience nor has it been filled with nonsense. i've come to notice that life does have a purpose, sometimes, not as clear as other times, but the purpose always remains the same. no matter what happens, all will end. no matter what happens, you are still you, rather only you decide to change or not, you are still who i would call as being you. i sit here and think again, in circle my mind turns. the mission of life, simply to life, and for no means at all, end it besides that of accident or of old age. simply living the best you can and fulfilling whatever GOD has planned in your life. but knowing that life is not mine for the taking or giving, for no reason my i use GOD as my excuse for my exsistance. Humans are humans. no human is perfect, rather life is like a drawer full of mismatched socks. no two socks are alike, and even when there are, they somehow never seem to look the same in shape or size. There is no excuse for a person's actions. what one does is what one chooses to do. another person can only advise and warn, but the choice is ultimately up to yourself. if you do not take one's heeding words, then you shall only fall and stumble, all due to your own misguidings.

life is solely what you make out of it. what people choose to do to you is what they choose to do, but it's rather up to how you want to absorb what they've done that will hurt you in the end. i'm not telling people to be cold. but i'm rather telling people that they should watch out how people are.

well bak to the fact that i'm philosophical....even my sister says that. she's like, all my life, i have never met another person so young in age, but has philosophy that only a person who's walked the earth could say. where have you been these 16 years? how old are you really? but wisdom only comes with fear. what you do not acknowledge is what you do not see, and if i must fear to acknowledge, then so be it....it's the only way i will see.

if all your life, you call enjoying living, then what do you call suffering? is not suffering when you feel something, whereas feeling happy just gives you a bubbling feeling at the most? i mean, life is like a scale.....you can't have too much of one thing.....and as you can observe through everything...when you have tooo much of something....there is either no room to put it, or your body repells the extra that it has. having just enuff is sometimes better....

sighs, have i lost another friend? or has just stress got him annoyed? is this void i'm feeling going to last forever? will i loose another friend due to the way i am, friendly? will i loose another friend because i want to be happy? am i paranoid with loosing friends? am i paranoid with the constant reminder of my past? is it all my fault? args. whenever something goes wrong...this feeling that i have, it just can't be stopped. everything seems to be my fault. everything seems to be my problem. everything just seems to be what i inflict upon myself. i mean, pain that i feel is pain that i have created for myself. for example, if someone was beating me up, physically, it may really well hurt, but seriously, pain physically doesn't really kill unless it's internal anyways....i mean.....you cannot see your brain, your heart, your lungs, your emotions......and all these things, if damaged may never be the same. may never heal properly. and only when these are damaged are you seriously incapable. args...something's burning.....args.....fire in the house!!! fire in the house!!!! args args!!!!!! or maybe it's just me and my crazy thoughts.

philosophical.....wow.....am i what people say i? or is it just merely because i choose to think alot? what makes good philosophy is the knowledge that it applies it can and may applie in times of trouble and times of joy.....it's what makes someone well-rounded. args args.

taking a break from reading...args args...tired....well i actually have a christmas wish list now....it's not things that i need, it's just things that i like to look at or that i like to eat or something that i would like to wear.

so far on my count....i want
a digital camera, but that is only in my dreams....why not just use film?
an mp3 player, but why not just listen to the radio?
guylian chocolates...don't ask....i just like the white milk chocolate mixing into the dark milk chocolate.... or maybe lindor or ferro roche chocolates??? hm....how yummy....
egh....there's this scarf that i really want.....it's blue white and pink....hehehehe....
i want my lost pencil case bak, but it's not like people in my skool noe what it feels to loose something with sentimental value because most people in my skool is rich....
i want to spend a day with all my friends, my skool friends with my church friends and the friend/friends that i don't see to often.
i want my sister to be home to eat christmas din din...but i know that one will come true..she's coming home next week...muhahaha
hehehe....and so far.....i want a big big hug from everyone of my friends....so that's bout it...hehehehe

now on the count...what i must return for gifts this christmas....
i need to buy a gift for that secret santa thingy....i have...
i needed to buy a teddy bear for brian...hey, which i did very well....
i still need to buy a gift for matt....him and his stupid head phones..args...why am i sooo picky??? args args.....
i still need to knit bessie's scarf...grrr...
oh yes, i still have to start joy's scarf...luckily i have two days before christmas day i believe...args args.....
and in return....i will give hugs to everyone this christmas...or at least try.....cause if you know meh....hugs just ain't my thing...especially when it comes to hugging a girl...i feel sooo awkward...hehehe=>:D:P
and that's about it....if any of you want to buy me something...please tell me, because so far i'm down for the count money wise...and it's the heart that counts...but i don't have many people to buy for....halfly cause i ain't rich.

oh yes.....christmas is a far days away, but i still know why people like christmas time. as i've said before, they feel more love in the air during this season than most. yeah, have you ever noticed that the so called winter months or winter solstice has most of the holidays due with affection? i mean, in the summer, you don't have something like valentine's day or whatever. also at the same time, you see, life has a funny way of reminding things to you, during your hardest times, you first think of all the bad, but as you fall more into the pit, all you long for is to feel better, the way before you fell. that just goes for most people, those that continually see the darkness in the pit see nothing but the darkness. those that are faithful will know that there are better times ahead even if the present times look grim.....what life doesn't give you, you have to make for yourself.

yeah, i'll admit this, all my life i have been spoiled. all my life i have been this way, philosophical......args.....i've been reading soo much that my typing seems sooo wrong.......oh wellz.....

okayz...this quizzie made meh laugh my ass off.......if you read it...you'll either laugh at meh or laugh with meh....whatever...as long as you are laughing it is fine...muhahah


Optimism


What Kanji word best suits you?
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well, at this present moment, i'm very content in the way i feel right now. happy.....but is it happiness? hm. i'll just leave it at contentment. muhahaha=>:D:P well i haveta go and start reading tons and tons of like pagies in a novel, so my thoughts can't be tooo complex. hm....let's see....

well i see most suicidal people are either tooo gutless or just too stupid. don't ask meh....i mean...ask meh more q's if you like...but if you think i'm just being stupid....don't bother...muhahaha

hm....have more thoughts.

okayz......you know how people say that GOD will come bak? well let's see this. on the news, brother kills brother. father kills son, son kills father. nation is against nation.......and yet, the time is still unpredictable of when CHRIST, OUR LORD will come bak. just had to mention it.....had to get it off my chest.....

now you see the christmas season and everyone's only obsessed with buying people gifts. well, now then, people that are only obsessed in shopping during this season can just kiss their sorry little asses and leave my thought pagie cause you wouldn't want to read on. i'm not going to diss you people up, and noe not many of you people are even gonna plan to read my darn thoughts, so it doesn't matter. either way, it's a win win situation for me. muhaahah!!! yeah yeah!!! okay. i am obsessed in buying gifts, but i'm obsessed in shopping 24/7. shopping is just my thing, even if it is window shopping. but that's not the fact, i mean, everyone is soooo materialistic.

yeah, now out of no where, i felt like asking ken matsushita what he wanted for christmas. i wasn't really shocked by his answer, just that one i didn't expect. this is his answer and his reply for my silly lil question. he's like this, "i actually don't want anything for christmas. nothing more do i want. i have everything i need to be happy. all i have now (talking about materialistic things), aren't necessities, they just play a minor role even if i didn't have them." now i probably altered some of his words, but those are the jists of what he said. but then he continues to say that he'd like an md player, but that really doesn't matter because he doesn't need it.

don't ask why i still remember this, i asked him on like monday i believe. so yeah. now i know brian would be something of the same sort of reply. buti know he doesn't want me buying a gift for him because he doesn't want to buy a gift for me. but the thing is....it really doesn't matter if the people i choose to buy gifts returns a gift to me or not. it really doesn't bug me. now matt's soo kind to offer to buy me a lil bite at the mall, but obviously, my plans are still always the same, either pay for it urself, or borrow to buy. yeah, i ended up buying food for myself...hehehe=>:D:P come to think about it......i've been hanging with matt every weekend so far....wherever he goes...i'll go.... wow, i'm a follower...or a friendly stalker...whichever the one, still one in the same if you ask me. but i prolly won't go with him the following weekend. so yeah. it's all good i suppose. hm...now where can i find usable comfy earphones that don't hurt as much??? args...this is evil..... well, people say a guy ain't worth 30 dollars, so in the same sense, why are girls worth diamonds? i don't get it. what makes a girl special where guys aren't? well, i've come to notice that yesterday, i did better than i thought i would. with forty dollars, i bought 3 gifts.....you'd say that was bad....but i only expected to buy 3 with sixty dollars. so yeah.....i woulda bought like 4 gifts with 60 instead. hehehe. what i've wanted to buy my sister for a long time now was on sale, so of course i was going to buy it.....how could i resist a sale like that? hehehe=>:D:P i mean, i know my sister will really like it, even if she has something like that, i know she'll like it because how can you resist a gift from the heart?

now, it's not the gift giving season, but it's christmas. it's about what GOD gave to us that's important and what we give bak to GOD, not what we give to other people. i mean yes, do you know why there is something about christmas time that makes us want it have it year round? i'll tell you. because this world lacks love, and during these harsh winter months (or at least in canada) love is finally demonstrated. but now days, people have become so self centered, everyone has grown bitter one way or another, that during any other time besides christmas, they show no love. and even during christmas, they have no love, but it's hidden behind the motive of buying gifts. so yeah. whateva. meh going....

wow.....well i'm bak.......and i have some stupid thoughts as usual. but then this online journal is just a vent or release of my emotions that bug me. but the problem is, writing them doesn't ease my pain. writing my thoughts makes me notice how pathetic i am that i have no one to listen to my problems. yeah, i've never failed in my life. i have never had to face defeat. and that's a true fact. i've won every battle. well i mean, even in sports, i may not win, but playing sports is for the experience and friends you can make. doing homework wise, i've never really needed to study much, i've never really needed to work hard, with minimal effort, i've always got 80. but even when i do try, i will only get 80. so it really doesn't matter, and it bugs me, but what can i do? nothing. life has a way of taunting that makes me laugh. now.....but maybe a reason that i don't fail is this, when i actually know that there is something i cant do, i will work harder, i will the concept down packed. i will make myself succeed, even it is only borderline passing. i have never been pleased with low marks. i have never been pleased that i couldn't hit a note properly. i have never been pleased not to listen to the teacher. but all this is in constant conflict with my rebelliousness. for the time being, i've studied my whole like, i've sang my whole life, i've listened my whole life. yes, i give you this, i have attitude problems, and this i know i must change. when i'm frustrated, i show it, and if i'm happy, i show it. if people offend me, i show it. but now days, what life experience has taught me is well, that when there is someone who offended to me, either a.....suck it in and demolish your pride for that time being.....or b......go up to them and tell them that what they did offended you. i normally tend to choose a, unless i knew that they didn't mean to offend meh and then i'd choose b because i'd want them to know not to say it next time so i won't be upset. but pride is always pride, no matter how much you let go of it, it's like a too-loyal dog; it always comes back. you know, my problems are like small and minor.

well it's the christmas season......and i still need to buy matt something cause i feel sooo bad that he bought me something and i haven't bought him one. but it's not the fact that he's giving something to me, but it honestly well....why am i buying him a present. yeah brian.....u are wrong...i don't buy everyone gifts....most of them when i have the time in the summer, i make them. you know what would be the best gift to recieve? at this present moment, i want a puzzle. no no, not just any ordinary puzzle you see. i want something that is like this......a puzzle that is specially made, yeah i know it's very expensive and such, but like those pictures that are huge and made into a puzzle. i want that because then it would be a constant reminder of the time i spent being happy, or at least outwardly happy. maybe then i'd remember how it feels to at least have happiness only for a short period of time. yeah, i've made myself unpleasant. i've made myself bitter. i've choosen to live this way, and even because i don't regret anything i do, i can honestly regret being bitter and livin my life this way. so basically, iv've regreeds my whole life....or at least from the time that i had the willingness to pick and choose.

don't make meh cry, i don't want to shed any more tears

why do youlike to ignore me?

Power Rangers Movie!


What movie Do you Belong in?(many different outcomes!)
brought to you by Quizilla

loving you is all i need???
hating you is all i want to do???
understanding you is natural??

args.....because of this society....i have learnt to hate beyond descretion.....but at the same time, only one person has taught meh to love....and that person has now become my hated foe beyond all of time. but time will close that tare in my heart and heal it. args args...tired tired.....

i believe that something will go right eventually.

you are not anti-social. you just don't wanna think about what you are thinking. you are just that type of person that doesn't talkie muchie in person. args.

i have come to despise the people i go for....

brian...i missie you sooo muchie my buddy, my companion, my friend. and like everyone else in my life, everyone has neglected meh some time. and like you have, but that's due to the emotions that have hit you like a wave. and during times like this, i can't help but wonder. what if you didn't think the way you did? what if you did care, would you feel worst?

do all guys have that same "i could care less" attitude? yeah, i don't know, my best friends that have ever lasted in a some what forever friendship are those of the opposite sex. i'm just a friend to everyone i suppose. i'm one of those people that like to have fun. and i'm like one of those people that like to talk, args args. i'm tired. i'll sleep early i hope.....it's wednesday...args....smallville...oh screw tv.

how could you not care about someone?!?!?! args....how can you be sooo cruel? just because someone hates you....shouldn't you love that person even more? just because someone seems to need that hatred, why feed it to them????

the way i was brought up has caused meh to perceive things differently. yeah. you can say that i'm like sexist, and you can say i'm racist. yeah, it's just a train of thought, you can change it. everything can change, with perseverance, what won't change? yeah i don't know. i'm tired. i'm sick and tired. i'm scared. i'm scared of what, i do not know. i really wish that everything would be alrights. i hope that the sky wouldn't be sooo low. i wish that the sky was unreacheable. args args. there will be brigter skies. there will be better days. the path is never straight. there will always be up and downs. always and forever there will be. sighs sighs. i love you.......to who i don't even know who i'm saying it to

yeah, when i like someone, i'm serious, i normally don;t and won't like anyone else. yeah, i'm only like 16, and people don't see why that i would want a serious relationship. hahaha=>:D:P yeah, it's funnay. when you are serious about something, and then everything like fades in ur face....that feeling is beyond being sickening. i don't just noe. in this lifetime, maybe i should just devote myself to my studies or whatever i'm doing at the time. i have no clue. how i wish i wouldn't long to be with someone....but that thought is useless.....unless i fill that gap...it will always be somewhat empty.....and if i don't fill it up properly, it will just leak.......metaphorically i suppose

yo....you know the group beyond.....why is their name beyond? what are they trying to go beyond?!?!? i don't get it. are they trying to go beyond into making a legacy or sumthing?