nites to the world...nites to eveyone...

relationships....you can't live witout them...and you can't live without them. sighs sighs...girl...you don't read my thoughts...but sighs sighs....don't worry so muchie. sighs sighs. maybe it was your fault...but don't dwell on it. get over the fact that you made a mistake. you can't go around and turn back the hands of time. what must you do for people to understand. what must you do to allow yourself to understand yourself....sighs sighs......

wanna leave and never come back...

sighs...relationships......sighs sighs...you can't live without them...and it's a struggle to live with them. sighs sighs. i want to be that loner in the corner for the rest of my life. at least then i will learn to cope with being by myself. sighs sighs....

being solemn is what you make of it....if you wanted people to talk...maybe screaming at each other accomplishes more than you think...sighs sighs......args args...maybe i'm inflicting my life upon others...maybe i should just walk away and stop caring for everything and everyone and anything that exsists on this earth...

i am trying to raise my weekly average of posting.....but oh wellz....i would need to post like 20 sumthing....meh...no one cares....

ni tian tian dao yao jing tian.......ni yong yuan dao bu hui kuai le ma? sighs sighs....wo bu zhi dao wei she me ni bu xi huan ni de ming.....ni zhi bu zhi dao le? args......stupid blogger...can't type in chinese now i must type in ping ying...args....

my tears mean nothing even if i'm crying for you.....or because of you....or with you....

it doesn't matter how you changed but rather why you changed that matters. i can't help but to cry. my heart feels soo heavy. i don't know why....but it just feels soo heavy. every little thing matters....and don't you tell yourself or believe other wise. you live in a worst manner when everything is just "whatever"'s and "i don't care"'s. if nothing matters....then i do not matter...then maybe i should just not care what you think anymore if i don't matter. but i don't know anything anymore. i just wanna like jump over a cliff....so whatever. maybe i'll cross the road and just not look twice.....

no one cares...the world only cares about it's own affaires. so it doesn't matter what i think...because no one else cares anyways. sighs sighs...

args args....i don't feel good. but i know i will.....but i also know how it feels to be very very happy. everyone goes to violence....sighs sighs....args....

jump a cliff......

on a daily week....how many stupid thoughts do i post up? sighs sighs. i'm tired...but i can't sleep.....but no one cares. i'm cranky...but no one cares. i'm crying....but no one cares. i'm having a breakdown in a corner...but there is no comfort being alone. i suppose i came alone...so i shall leave alone forever...sighs sighs.

sighs sighs......i want a long term fix. sighs sighs.

i've been standing here all alone by myself. why do i feel sooo alone??? why do i allow myself to feel soo alone? why do i want to cry all the time??? why do i feel this way all the time now? why am i so cold and in the dark. hm.....i have a bad eyes....i can't see in the dark...sighs sighs...and they say night blindness was only in men....jeebers....they were lying because my eyes are so bad that well.....i'm almost blind when it's dark. i want to close my eyse and never open them. but that would never happen. i would not be allowed to be blind mute or deaf. sighs sighs.

i'm going away and i don't know when i'll be back again.....

man...someone give me a darnded cliff. tie me to an old broken bungee cord. args args. why do i feel soo stupid. sighs sighs. i'm upset....but there's no way i can't be. i haven't been sleeping well...and i don't think i shall. args this is so darned annoying. sighs sighs. one of these days.....i will give you a gift.....sighs sighs....

i've lost my philosophical me......but...then again....i don't think i ever could....

hm...what's real and what's fake now? what crosses that line of friendship and enemy. what crosses the line of love and hate? if love is so closely related hate...then what is the difference?

sighs.....a pawn of this world.......wow.....you truely are a poet of sorts.

you know...i don't know when thenext time i will see you....but i know i will have a lack of hair....but meh.....meh no very mind.....

it's not the outside that counts...it how your insides make your outsides look....hm....worded soo funnay....whack....

hm...just because something symbolized soo much and is now broken does not mean that in life what it symbolized is gone forever. it is simply the reason that one must move on. something so precious to you has all the greatest meaning, but maybe you are just dwelling on one to many things. maybe in this broken cross....you can find new symbolism in something broken. it contained the sane side of you...and the cheerful part of all you exsisted for....but maybe in this sense... it now means you should live all that you represented out....

i'm being hypocritical....case i know it takes me a while to understand why sumthing is lost or broken.....or never to be found again......but....sighs sighs....there's nothing i can do cept speak....

hm.....whack....i haven't posted many thoughts for a while. but the thing is....i've been as troubled as hell could ever be. i can't sleep at night now. and i can't talk as much because i lost my motivation to do anything. you definately know something is wrong with me....i haven't been able to do anything except sleep. yeah....talking is my favourite pass-time and i seem to not want to talk at all. there must be sumthing wrong. i'm talking to val on the phone and the instant i call her....i don't know what to say. i'm falling deeper into depression. i can feel it. i can't smile. and all i think of is what i dream of. and what i dream of is what i think of. it's soo sad. sighs sighs.

have alot of tests this past week....was going to have a physics one on friday too. man...that woulda been sooo bad. hm. it's weird.....but i just want to plan a party and finish skool with the marks i have now. hm....wow....weird.

sighs sighs......i don't know why....but i miss all my friends......and it's really weird...all my friends are very very diff. i don't understand...but it's really really weird. i just one big party for everyone that i know.....and i would wonder how many would come....it's kind of strange....but it's weird...well i'm going to go now...l8z l8z....man...i have the biggest cramps....args.....it's prolly from not eating...

hm.....so velly tired....now ell...i gotsta go now...l8z l8z....nitez to the world or at least my hemisphere of the earth....

kekek^^ wow......i post on average about 11 posts a week....that's kinda funny....hm....keke^^ so very very fun.

you can always make some one smile...but for how long would it last?
bugging people is what all people do....you can't help that...
people can't like you better...they can only like you the way you are...and if they don't....it's not meant to be.....
humans are meant to mess things up all the time. it's because we are not perfect and that is why we mess up. sighs sighs. i know you don't read my thoughts....but i hope that you will...
well the skool part i can't help. skool sux ass no matter how you look at it. so yeah.....
i can't make that dumb fuck talk to you unless he wants to. maybe he's feeling guilty...or maybe there's just sumthing on his mind every time he looks at you....
sighs....not everyone will snap at you. there are honestly alot of people who care...don't worry about it....there will be someonefor you....don't worry....someone better....
you are not a burden to anyone....
people re happy with me.....to hear you like this makes me cry....and to not hear you like this would also make me cry.... please...don't feel so bad.....you know...when i said i'd be there....i really meant it....please....you are my friend....and to me...you are the sunshine that cheers up my day. not in a lezbo way...but you know what i mean....
i can't change that second best thing....but i can say...anyone that treats you second best besides afer family is not good enough...
you were meant to have emotions.....if you didn't....then well..why do you have them?
you and your mouth is not pointless.....sighs.....no one ever pointless....you are special....and even to one person...you can mean the world...
some people don't and wont ever realize that they changed.....people just don't see into themselves like that. sighs sighs. i wish i could change the world...but i can't even cheer up one soul....
sighs....some people do understand unhappiness isn't your fault...but you can force yourself to be happy in ways you prolly thought weren't possible...
don't you dare fade away!!! if you do.....i don't know what i'd do....

args...i miss my chinese music....haven't listened to it for sooo long!!! sighs sighs. i can't wait for my sister to come back....i honestly like miss her presence in the house.... it's as if the house is less gloomy when she is here. or maybe it's cause it's all gloomy outside that it feels all gloomy inside? but then again...with my sister....no matter what she does....how she yells at me....it's still like nice and cozy feeling.....so basically...does that mean that well...she is the sunshine of our house? whack.

i want to change my email....but then again...i've always been one of those people that resisted change until i knew i absolutely had to. sighs sighs...going to take a shower soon. my hair dries so darnded quickly now....i can wait if i honestly wanted to. sighs sighs......

hm......maybe i should go see a shrink....but maybe i'm not chronically depressed. i know i don't have an iron deficiency.....i'm actually pretty healthy....but then why do i always feel faint all the time? why am i always tired? hm...mono??? do you really think so? your body has a lack of sleep so all it wants is to sleep...i see i see.....meh. me no noe. i don't think i'll succeed in n e thing that i do. i feel like i just want to go dump mself in a pit and bury myself alive.....

maybe i'm weird and i'm a freak...meh.....i have no choice but to love myself....or do i?

each day these past two weeks...i have posted on average about 5 to 6 entries a day.....i wonder why i waste soo much of my time doing this. am i sincerely that troubled?

i want to be that hand that you reach for when you need help.

hm....do i think all that muchie?? or is it simply because i choose to just allow myself to let my thoughts wonder? hm.....meh....my mouth hurts...args args....sighs sighs....but meh no noe....sighs sighs....i crashed into a curb...sighs sighs...why do i such at driving soo much?

hm...tired...hm....args...gotsta like fix my pc again..args args....

so if your day was bad or good...would you tell me anyways?

hm...okayz....i think i shall sleep at 8 tonight....i can barely keep my eyes open.....sighs....i can't drive...and i doubt i ever will drive...sighs sighs....

wanna go to bed...think i'll sleep early tonight....args.....i will start studying chem tom at lunch....sighs sighs.....i miss that feeling. hm....but i will be content and satisfied at what GOD has given me. hm.....if the only way to make them believe is for them to see a big miracle....i hope that they will never see a miracle because they cannot enjoy the simplicity of what they call life now. i want them to be saved and i don't want them to go to hell....but simply....they do not want to understand and the only way for them to understand is to first accept.....args....is it acceptance before acknowledging or knowing before accepting? hm....or maybe its diff in diff cases...args args..tired..and hungee....but maybe i'm not hungee at all....hm....

holy crap.....why do i always like those that are completely not for me? args args...what the hell is with me? args args.....

i cannot take charge of my life because it is not mine to begin with.

i have failed to love one with my complete heart....now if i begin at the beginning and stop fushing to the ending line...everything'll be just fine...keke^^

i will not stop trying to love....even if the world is against me because they can't love me because i love others...then there is nothing i can do. if others hate me because i love them...then there is nothing i can do except watch them hate me. i cannot make others love me.....this i cannot do.

i finally know where i belong in this world....i belong among those that just can't find a place to belong. i belong with no one and everyone...

i write a whole lot of useless crap in my blogs....i don't know why...but that's what i do. hm. the tv show on tv is sooo stupid...but it's sooo sweet. music is the base of life. without music, we cannot survive only because that's the way we were made or sumthing,,...but me no noe. missie that feeling that i do not have now.....oh wellz...why want something that wasn't meant to be? why want something that you know is all wrong for yourself? hm....learning t read my chinese.....will i succeed?

funny how my mommy thinks i'll marry young. sooo funnay. it's funny how my friends thinks i would too. hm.....well maybe it's my fault? do i give off an image like that? hm....thinking i want to go to japan....but then again.....maybe i will not....hm....

is there something wrong with me....args...my wisdom teeth are growing out again....and my whole back part of my mouth is like swollen and cheek is like ripped..args args.....

a better person is to come. there is a song that i remember that goes something like this......the world isn't over....she was only 16...so to her....everything felt like it would end. there in the darkness of everything...she felt her world collapse. in the darkness of it all...she felt everything grow back....in the darkness she lost her strength...in the light...she regained all she lost.....

hm....

i don't know why...but i can't seem to forget that feeling. hm...security...but what do i have now??? nothing except family. friends come and go....but few don't leave your side. hm.....the friends i made now....will i become well...egh....friendless next year? i loose more and more friends every year. it's wird....

holy crap...still in love with this song after sooo darnded long!!!!

Gui ji

Composer: Jay Chou (???) Lyricist: Huang Jun Lang (???)

zen me yin cang
wo de bei shang
shi qu ni de di fang
ni de fa xiang
san de cong mang
wo yi jing gen bu shang

bi shang yan jing
hai neng kan jian
ni li qu de hen ji
zai yue guang xia yi zhi zhao xun na xiang nian de shen ying

ru guo shuo fen shou shi ku tong de qi dian
na zai zhong dian zhi qian
wo yuan yi zai ai yi bian
xiang yao dui ni shuo de
bu gan shuo de ai
hui bu hui you ren ke yi ming bai

wo hui fa zhe dai
ran hou wang ji ni
jie zhe jin jin bi shang yan
xiang zhe na yi tian
hui you ren dai ti
rang wo bu zai xiang nian ni

wo hui fa zhe dai
ran hou wei wei xiao
jie zhe jin jin bi shang yan
you xiang le yi bian
ni wen rou de lian
zai wo wang ji zhi qian

xin li de yan lei
mo hu le shi xian
ni yi kuai kan bu jian

Orbit
How can I hide my sorrow?
The place I lost you
The scent of your hair
Scatters hastily
I already cannot follow it

Close my eyes
I can still see
The vestige of when you left
Under the moonlight
Always been searching for
That figure that I miss

If you said that break up is the starting point of pain
Then before the finish line
I am willing to love again
Want to say to you
The love I dare not say
Will there be someone who understands?

I will be staring blankly
Then forget you
Shortly after that I will tightly close my eyes
Thinking of which day
When there will be someone to be in your place
To make me not think about you anymore

I will be staring blankly
Then smile
Shortly after that I will tightly close my eyes
Think about it again
Your gentle face
Before I forget

The tears in my heart
Obscures my visual line
Soon you already cannot be seen

Print Translation

the stupidity of it all.....

you can't change it...you can't help it....you can't mend it. you can only sit or stand and stare at the destruction of it all.

you change for what reason? you hate for what reason? why why why?!?!? what what what?!?! am i going insane or is it only because everything else is chaotic in the world?

now i must ask one question.....why should you leave because you feel as if all you recieve are glances. by leaving...are you not making your gap greater?

your sister is rude and unattentive to authority of her parents....what about you? do you act the same way? i know i do....i am rude to my parents.....but i still love them....i'm trying to be less rude. i'm trying to be less hypocritical about my sister..... i know it's hard.....but by going out with friends...how does your relationship with your parents become better? just because you mess up your chores...maybe try and try harder so that your mommy can see the effort you put in. why do you continually allow yourself to be upset when you and only you have the power of choice to change it. ultimately GOD is in control.....maybe the lesson here is unity???

hm.....you know that bear i bought that is just sitting there and collecting dust? well there's more than just a promise i bought it for.

here goes
1) because of the promise i made....my word means alot even though it's something that is simple....i was raise up where the words of others means alot...so my words should mean much
2) my promise was made when both of us were in bad times. both of us made that promise to bring a smile on each others faces (even i knowing how much you don't smily outwardly)
3) because i care....and because your friendship means much to me. and i was hoping that you would see the hope even when times are grey.....

but maybe all those things i just thought too much about....maybe i'm just a fruitty nut that thinks way too much because she can?

one who is an alchoholic can not be helped. not saying that i will not try to help....but i can only do what i can. this is what i can say......and i know these words won't be conforting to hear.....but in my opinion....this is what i half know and half believe.

but this is what i say to an alchoholic with a son who is a christian and constantly struggles with the times of today. i tell the son this....you are not alone....your struggle is normal....nothing new under the sun. your father struggles with substance because he himself feels no hope for tomorrow. he struggles with substance because he finds no way out of his pain and suffering. he struggles with substance because of the greatest mystery....why a human lives witout GOD? basically, he struggles with substance because one feels completely empty.

you love your family, even if you say you don't like them. you say your sister has no respect for anyone in her house....but before you look upon others....look in your own reflection first. do you see yourself doing what your sister does? i am not perfect....but i know this....you do not like being home...so you run out and hang with your friends to avoid them. you know....that bear i gave you was more than just a punch bag if you wanted it to be one.

these are only a few reasons why i gave it to you. firstly, i must remind you that i promised to get you one because of your torment within yourself. but that's what you have the stress ball for. i promised you that i would get you one and to me.....my word means alot to me and i want people to see that their words in affect hurts others.
secondly....this is how i see it....that bear was a promise for better times. yes.....the promise was made when you and i were both feeling miserable....but you see.....it was a promise that you and me made to bring each other a smile on each other's face.
hm....this might sound sooo scary and stalkerish...but i mean it with the sincerist of love....
that bear....is well given to you out of the decency of my heart.....i cherish our friendship....materialistic substance can't begin to explain how much it's worth to me.....you leave it on the foot or the head of your bed collecting dust....but even collecting dust has it's purpose..... i would not be mad at you for squishing it or dementing it...

but all those things....i prolly thought too much about. i just hope you remember that we went through rough patches before...you can do it again.....stay in GOD. TRUST IN HIM. WALK WITH HIM. then when you do....you will find strength you never thought you had.

over the year and a few months....i have posted close to 700 entries....a lacking of three entries...and after this one...will be a lacking of only two to reach seven hundred. that must say alot..... hm....my thoughts....i think too much....within a year minus the problems with my pc....i posted close to 700!!! holy crap....

maybe the doc is right....i am chronically depressed only because i allow myself to view things in the negative of the negatives.

i live among the worst of criminals...those that fall short of the glory of GOD and call themselves perfect only because no human is. the greatest of all tragedies.

i am only a great sinner....constantly i live in denial of being a christian in front of others, but truly hating myself for it. why do i have the guts to stick up for myself and others of this world, but simply cannot stand up for CHRIST?!?!? why? why is it so hard to stand up for him. if i deny him....he will deny me......but why is it so hard to live in the light? hm.....

the goals for a more happier time:
1) stop swearing
2) stop drinking
3) stop going to parties where there are people i should not be around
4) stop thinking depressing thoughts (basically stop residing in where i should not reside)

hard goals to follow by i know....especially the last one....but maybe the top of my list should be do's not don'ts.... now my do list

1) do rely on GOD more
2) do pray in front of people that are non-believers....why should i be the one intimidated???....i should be the one intimidating....
3) do read the bible more....even in the dead of night when i am almost dead tired....
4) do start attending church with a willingness, not going because of a ritual/ routine....

i am being hypocritical....but why should you hate your parents? i mean....even though i know i say i hate them....i cannot.....you are dissatisfied of them because they are human...but does it all matter in the end. sighs....to loose someone's trust...you must have done something to yourself or someone else....so yeah. sighs....just wanna go away running and hiding and crying my eyes out....so yeah...sighs sighs....

hm.....am i angry?????

i'm being stupid....i'm being selfish...but really.....i don't want to care n e more....all my caring only makes me more frustrated.....sighs sighs

no one can bare the site of my tears. no one understands why i cry. no one understand why i can't handle stress. i will die.....can i pray for it to be soon? no one reads my thoughts...no one cares......so why should i bother to even post my thoughts? it's no longer like helping me cope with my problems....it only makes me realize how troubled a person i really am.....someone give me sleeping pills...please.....it's not like people will come to my funeral......it's not like they'd actually waste their time....and if they do....they're just wasting it going to a dead person's last memory....not like they can remember you. morbid? well too bad...from here on end......my thoughts get more morbid by the second.....

JUST LEAVE ME ALONE!!!!!

i don't belong anywhere. i don't belong here. i don't belong THERE. i don't belong in the great beyond.....i am the ashes of the ashes....i am not the phoenix so i shall not rise.....i am just the ashes of the ashes. carbon i was....carbon i shall be.....

i am not a good student. i am not a good daughter. i am not a good christian. i am not a good friend. i am not a writer. i am not a thinker. i am nothing. all i am is dust beneath your shoe. even the earth rejects me though. therefore, i belong no where. i am to go nowhere so i remain in the presence of no where.

i am miserable. i am not happy. i am christian but what part of me is christian? what?!?!? what?!?!? what?!?!? i don't tell people my problems unless they ask. i feel like i'm using people when i go and just tell them everything that's wrong and going through my head. why can't i just forget everything that's happened to me? why?!?! why!?!? why?!?!? i'm no longer a good person. i have never been a good person. or have i been? i was never innocent. i had always needed to face what many others did not face. my tears have become nothing. my tears have just left marks on my face permanently. am i that horrible that no one wants me? am i that horrible that the only place doesn't even want me there n e more? what part of me is christian? should i not have these doubts? shouldn't i be firm in my believe? how do i act christian? how?!?! how?!?!? how?!?! i believe that GOD is the son of GOD. i believe that he created the world in 6 days and on the 7th he made it the day of the rest/ sabbath. i believe that GOD sent his son JESUS to die on the cross and save me from my sin. i believe that satan is there trying to steal my soul away. but how oh how do i act christian?!? how am i being an ambassador of christ?!?!?

yes, i hate living. i just wanna die! args. i hate my mother, i hate my father, i hate my sister, i hate my friends, i hate me! args!!!! basically saying....i hate GOD. args. if i can hate all that he's given me, then there is nothing to look forward to. args. why am i such a failure in life? why am i not able to complete sucessfully anything that i do? why does everything i touch fall into dust before my very eyese? why?!?! why?!?!? why?!?!? why am i so miserable? do i yell at everyone i know? what the hell is wrong with me?!?!? is my presence not enjoyed by n e one i know? am i a horrible person? am i selfish? am i jealous? an my greedy? am i a theif? am i a rapist? am i criminal? what have i done so wrong that everything i do now is now just errors on top of errors? WHAT?!?!? what?!?!? WHAT?!?!?

sighs.....nothing you did is wrong. and i don't know you that well n e more. but you blame yourself for what your boifriend does. sighs sighs. don't. you should not feel like this. you should enjoy what you have. sighs.....you feel as if the world is on your shoulders. sighs sighs. don't feel sooo miserable. happiness is a state you long to be in....you long to enjoy what you had before. sighs sighs. but i can't help you....it's your relationship.....

what is this dream state that you live in? are you sure it is a dream? are not dreams sweet and leave you refreshed or leaves you more understanding of what is to come? then basically, what is life that you call a dream? whatpart of life is sweet and not pain strucken? what oh what? which heart does not have loneliness? why must you dwell on pain and suffering? do not you want to be happy? why must you dwell on the fact there is misery in the world. so yeah.l....sighs sighs......gotsta go now........

i will never be able to choose one side of my friends. if they are my friends...they wouldn't tell me to pick....i'd rather just leave knowing that i didn't break their friendship. but then again...maybe everythign that happens now is due to some reason......destiny is is really hard to decipher. but then again....does it matter?? what you do inflicts its own consequences anyways...so why bother with all that crap la? friends say i'm pretty....others say i'm wird...and even more just call me hideous? but then again....those that call me hideous...do they know how i am on the inside or are they just calling me that because the are not secure of themselves?

don't know...don't want to know....and even if i did know...will i care????

holy crap......my pc is like messed up...but whateva.....keke^^ i don't really mind....skool isn't that bad for me....i just really don't mind. hm. think too muchie....care too muchie....but then again....maybe i really don't care about anythign and i'm just using it as an excuse as why i feel the way i do now....i have no clue....sighs sighs.....i don't know....

love.....love is the greatest of all things. there is no such thing as love at first sight. love at first sight is lust....not love. even one who is not christian and was raised up differently than me thinks the same thing. i mean....to some degree...your first impression of someone leaves you attracted to someone....but if you just allow your attraction to remain just attraction....then there is nothing better than to just not love. sighs......not one of he people that don't read this know what is going through my head. most things just don't get translated like many other things in my life.....it's wierd. i type tooo muchie....and i think i want to be a secretary as my dream job. but then again....would i just want to be a receptionist? but then again...whatever....hm.....lunch hour is almost over for me.....and i'm still bored as hell. sighs sighs. i'm thinking too much of something that i shouldn't be thinking of. sighs sighs. i well wish to like just leave and never return....but then again....it's not true.....because i could never leave and not return.

i will miss all those people that i have left and those that have left me....

why must sorrow be sought? are there not already enough tragedies as it is? i just don't understand. why must people insult like this? do they not understand that everyone is human and everyone has human emotion? i just don't want to understand anymore. jean.....my prayers go out to you.....i hope everything will be fine. i hope you don't think too much about it all. sighs sighs. i started crying.....maybe i shouldn't have. maybe i should accept the fact that they have changed and they are doing what they are doing now. but what if i cannot? sighs sighs. i just don't know. how is everythign giong to be alright? i may say i want them sent to prison and i would be the first person who sends them to it....but will i actually have the heart to watch them fall so hard and so fast spirilling downward? i don't think i have the heart to bear all that. i don't think i am able to fathom the pain they have brought on the people that they have done that to. why must some men remain soo blind and while others remain unwilling to see? args.....ignorance???? sighs sighs

well maybe i am chronically depressed though. but i can't help but to think that people have stopped caring for one another. the truth of the matter is that without love and a willingness to give love, you have nothing to begin or end with. if one does not sacrifice anything....you achieve nothing. oh wellz....sighs sighs....very very tired....sighs sighs.....haven't been able to sleep well lately. been having horrible reoccuring dreams. miserable. all i can remember every time is that when i wake up....i'm either sweating or i'm in a bed of sweat. sighs sighhs. why must people change and fall into the hands of SATAN? why why why? why must they harden their hearts so that they do not see GOD? i do not understand. i'm afraid. what happens if i'm next? args args. will people just hide and try to stay in the dark forever?

well you know....calling me in the middle of the nowhere made my day....cheered me up alot....since i thought no one remembered that i would be at home boring my bum bum off. keke^^ thanx thanx you there. kekek^^ oh wellz. what can i say??? you are truly a friend....keke^^

you know, sometimes in life.....GOD puts certain people in your life so that you will be reminded of different times so that you do not hope for too much or too less, but always fully looking toward the HEAVENS for an answer from GOD.

kekek^^ bri boi.....you know me way too well!!! kekek^^ you knew i was going to respond....and you bloody well wanted me to didn't you? keke^^ cause you knew either way that i would respond....but stating that i would....makes me wanna even more now. keke^^ well n e ways...not dwelling on the fact that you like totally wanted me to reply....but then you know what i'm going to say to you then don't you? well first and formost....thanx for cheering up my day.....cause well....i had a crummy churchie day....but reading that...made me feel seeeepecial.

okayz...on to the being happy thing. well i think forcing happiness is not good. but to an extent, if you do not make yourself happy, you learn to loose that skill. yes, i think being happy is a skill. well more like a gift than it is a skill, but either way....closely ralated to each other in some way or another. also happiness is closely related to rejoicing and praise in my opinion. if you do look happy, you prolly are supposed to be like that and you also want to see others happy. if you were made so that you rejoice and praise GOD, then in my opinion, GOD made you to be happy. there is no greater motivator than the motivated.....others are motivated to smile because of others in their life, then knowing this....one may and will be happy. which would you rather see, a world full of gloom, or a world full of smiles....even though knowing they may be fake?plus....something that seems to be fake doesn't mean that it necessarily is. you can't make the world happy, but you can make those around you who are in the world happy.

if you try to be happy, there are two things that may happen. 1) you become more miserable because you feel more and more artificial. or 2) you feel better because those around you are happy because it seems that you are happy. but i learnt this.....you must go through both reactions to truly feel happy. for one thing....the stages of life before acceptance is always denial, anger, depression, relization, acceptance. or at least something similar to that.

this is the way of life, what you do not want to do, don't do. what you want to do, do. but in living life like this, know that there are consequences and GOD is in complete control over you in the very end. He has just given you the choice to enjoy here without if you choose, but you pay that with a price too high. as long as your thoughts and your actions of what you choose to do or to be does not sin, then you will be fine.

dreams can come true. if you make them come true, then they will. man...that sounded soo much better in chinese!!! args....but whatever.....should i go to bcbc tonight??? sighs sighs....really don't want to....but i suppose it's for GOD.....so the question should be.....why won't i? and why shouldn't i? there is nothing better cept to do what GOD wants...so yeah......meh....

children now days are becoming more pessimistic. and there are a few reasons for that......but you prolly have your own theories, so i do not need to explain mine....

hm.....yeah, it's true.....i haven't been myself lately, but who am i anyways? it doesn't matter, as long as i enjoy the way i am there is nothing that i cannot say as being "myself". if you are afraid of betrayal, then you are not worthy of being a human. well i know that sounds harsh, but let me explain. in order to be human, you must take risks and get hurt. if you are unwilling to get hurt, then you can't even be living. this is the reason for my thinking: even if others don't hurt you, you can still hurt yourself. you yourself can still betray yourself. so by saying that, do you get my drift or must i explain more? okay, so here i go to explain more. betrayal is ever present. you cannot prevent it from happening. now days, it is almost like second nature, if not already is, to betray. humans will ever be greedy and selfish. people only want what is best for them. i mean....you may say that you only want what is best for them, but by saying that, maybe you thought what would be best according to your mind. so basically, it is somewhat selfish behind all the motives. but i just think too much

it's weird. but my pc messed up, and i'm too lazy to reformat everything. so i am basically just going to be on the school pc's for a while now. hm. i'm type alot and very quickly and well, i really like that sound of typing. my keyboard has no sound when i type. but i truly enjoy this sound. in the background i hear people whispering. and then i feel other's thinking away or just plain thinking stupid thoughts. but, all in all, in this quiet room, i am getting looked at so very much, but i do not care. i enjoy typing away. wow....this is one stupid stupid entry.

gaining true happiness isn't simply giving something and then being given something in return. that would just be a give and take relationship, would it not? in order to gain true happiness, you must find the right path, and the best type of journey for yourself to travel. Maybe your route is the most travelled path. and then there are others that the less travelled path is the best route. by saying the less travelled path, i am not relating this with the christian path, but the path that you yourself must travel on. there maybe times when you completely doubt yourself. but then in the end, you become reassured of the one thing you completely doubted yourself for.

my mother and the doctor agree on the same thing. they agree that i am chronically depressed. now i'm supposed to go see a psychiatrist and see why i feel this feeling.

happiness sometimes must be forced in order to live as it is apart of life.....true happiness is when the feeling of forced happiness is not a feeling of being forced or daily routine. true happiness is when your soul naturally smiles and rejoices without you purposely doing so. true happiness is when your mind can't help but to find whatever it does best and rejoice. true happiness is when you find that special something that it can rely on no matter where and what and when. but whatever your problems may be......someone out there does care.....

i don't hide anything i feel. i am who i am. i like to be sensitive. i like to be liked. i hate to be hated. i don't like having enemies. i cry alot. i am emotional. i am not as smart as many would think i a. but all together, i care about who i am. and i care about your problems no matter how big or how small they are.....i care......

i'm the causer for most problems.....i don't solve many...i create them. sighs sghs. this world would be better off without me. sighs sighs. no one needs me. no one can tolerate me. so meh...args args.... meh no noe...but i have no clue...tired...and upset. but there's nothing i can do is there? oh wellz.

i think i'll sleep early tonight...don't feel n e better...and i'm getting worst. keke^^ aw....val's sooo sweet....she didn't see me all day and she called me...even though i went to skool. keke^^ some people think i'm as happy as can be.......but really.....am i just a good actress or people just don't want to see the real side of me?

i never use livejournal n e more...i just don't enjoy it....but oh wellz.....sighs sighs....i don't know what i feel or how i feel.....suicidal?

hm....i don't hide my emotions.....and i suppose that is what makes you think i'm weak. so well? short entry.....making me upset? yeah....it does. i am an extremely emotional person. if i feel something, i express it. so....i assume you think i am weak......but then again meh..... i am glad that i can feel and i can express. a weak person is one who wants to hide everything from the world. a weak person is one who is afraid of expressing anything about themselves. a weak person is one who runs away from problems knowing that they should solve them when it first happen. a weak person is one who doesn't allow themselves to speak what wants to be spoken. one who is weak is one who is insenesitive to others feelings because they don't care to critisize others and not themselves. a weak person is one who has too much on their mind and only wants to be left alone. a weak person is a person who is alone and has no companion in the world because he or she pushes everyone away.

oh well it doesn't matter.....i already expected that this would happen n e ways....so what?

i miss my sista.....sighs sighs...

i feel like crying......sighs.....

no guy likes a girl that dresses like a guy, talks like a guy, is one of the gang.....sighs. no one likes a person that talks too much and doesn't shut up. no one will like me for the way i am. no one enjoys my company. i fit in no where. i want to run away, but i will not. where's a friend when you need one? yet the irony of it all, i do not tell them what is truly on my mind even when they ask me. sighs sighs.

i'm breaking.

it's kind of funny. i have a very large archive, and i can't help but to read what i've written before. i see that most times i am upset when i write in my blog. either that, or when i am happy, i still think alot. hm.....oh wellz. whateve....keke^^ my msn nickie at the present moment is....."did you love me when you said it? or were you just like everyone else, and made a fool of me?" i think this is how i exactly feel at the present moment. sighs sighs. don't know why i should be feeling this way....but i do.....sighs sighs....

i feel sooo weird. i don't know why. hm......missing first period class today. but meh. sighs sighs. sighs......yes, everything is in control because GOD is always in control. but it doesn't mean you shouldn't worry. yes, GOD lets us go through problems, and he wants to see how we react. through problems we loose a bit of something and gain a bit of something we may have not had before. but does that all really matter? you loose more than just your relationship with GOD when you become only involved with yourself. there are two types of self-over-involvement. 1) when you are always alone and just don't want any one around. you do not wish to talk to anyone and you are only self-involved because you don't want to become involved with those around you. 2) you only think about yourself no matter what you do. it's always about "ME, ME, ME" attitude. you don't care about anyone except yourself because you only want yourself to do well. basically, the "i'm too good for everyone else" attitude.

sighs sighs.

distress is ever present. i sit in the miserable library at this present moment beside my friend typing away at her bibliography. sighs sighs. meh so very very bored. well maybe depressed all the same. hm. problems don't just happen wih romantic elationships la.....they are there whenever there are people. there are even problems with yourself, so why wouldn't there be problems with you and another person right? my mouth hurts.....args....i'm getting sick now...but i hope that i will not. and i pray that i will not be sick just yet. gonna go to summer skool to upgrade my courses. but then again.....will i even get good enuff courses to like graduate? sighs sighs...well graduate i can.....but the question is.....will any uni accept me? oh wellz. maybe i'm just thinking too far.....but maybe i'm not. i have a total of 8 courses next year. am i not a geek or what? args....can't believe that i did that. and the thing is. i don't want to drop a single course. so i have no clue. args args.....i feel sooo totally sick. meh. people find that i am annoying, but whatever. not my problem. should i go tpo clarkson or should i go to a skool in oakville for summa skool? i have no clue....me totally confused......but whateva....l8a l8a

i hate that feeling of depression and loneliness

sighs......i finally know what i should do....sighs sighs.....

hm.....