i know this is a love song sung to like some dude or dudette.....but these lines are always in my head when i'm upset.....

"The trouble with love is, it can tear you up inside. Make your heart believe a lie. It's stronger than your pride. The trouble with love is, it doesn't care how fast you fall, and you can't refuse the call. See, you got no say at all"

and in a sense....this is always my dilema......

"Everyone's problem is love."

i feel kinda better. hm.....

i feel more at ease with myself now......crying....but at least feeling better.....args.....why do i have emotional break downs sooo often? args.....i need to go to angermanagement classes and egh.......stress management classes.....

why do i feel sooo lonely knowing that i still have friends? why??? why is this constant feeling of being lonely nag at me? why do i always feel this way when i'm upset.....

why is it that i'm sooo emotional now days??? sighs sighs? why does the smallest things tick me off sooo easily? why? sighs.....

see......most of my life....i have lived this way. i have no respect for those that have no repect for me. i love those that don't even love me. what the hell? args args.....

blah........gotsta get outta dis mind frame....gotsta think happy. oh wellz......slowly feeling better.....i just need something to drink......

fucking hell....bad mood.....rude people make me hate the world. args args.

man....i'm in a fuking bad mood now....i really hope that this feeling doesn't . fuck.....i just felt happier than many days before and now i'm pissed off. what the hell is wrong with this shit? fuck....am i made not to be happy or sumthing? why in the world am i always sooo fucking moody???? WHY WHY WHY?!?!?! why have i become like a moody bitch that has different emotions every second of the day? args.....stupid CJ.

talking to jean didn't make me feel all that better. fuck her too. no one cares how i feel. no one does.....well......there are two that really care....and that's about it. fuck the world......fuck this shit! FUCK!!!!!

cause your giving me a world of pain.......making it tuff......

blah......

sen to chihiro no kamikakushi.....

blah......

totoro......

blah.....

mr. happy monkey.....

blah.....

"looks like your sucking a cock"......

blah.....

*DJ, ugh, DJ, ugh*

blah.....

man....sooo random......but altogether sooo funny.....from a long time ago.....to the very recent present....or at lesat the very recent past....yesterday...keke^^

well i'm planning to go the gym right when it opens....the the problem is how am i going to get bak??? hm.....that's a question to ponder....hm....my sister goes swimming at like 11 everyday....so maybe i could tell her to give me a ride there at 10:30 and then come and pick me up after she's done at like egh....1? hm.....3 hours....everyday???? meh......

tired and sore....oh wellz....hope to have fun....keke^^

sighs sighs.....stupid sit ups...args.....val.....i'm gonna kill you.......my tummy hurts!!!! and it hurts to digest!!!! grrrrr......stupid me and being outta shape....oh wellz....meh....hoping to go to the gym tonight....but maybe not...i have no idea....blah......

hm....fricken aye.....have the biggest friken headache in the world. i think it's getting worst and it's becoming a migraine... just a whole hell of a fucking piece of shiet. args args. maybe it's cause i'm hungry? hm......well let's just see....it's a holiday on monday.....so i'll prolly go to the gym sunday tuesday, wednesday, thursday and maybe friday morn. i think i'll go every morning when it opens. yeah. i think i'll like that. just when i wake up i go right to the gym. i think i'll feel great for the rest of the day. and then when val asks me to go with her in the afternoon round fourish or so.....i'll go with her....so basically i'm over working myself. blah......at least i enjoy myself. keke^^ yupz yupz. i'm allowing myself 24 hours until the next time i go to gym. whakc.

well i have no clue.......i've been reading like all day sooo far....and my head hurts really really badly. args.....i woke up at 4.....didn't sleep till 6 again.....and then i couldn't sleep so i woke up at like egh....7. sighs sighs. maybe it's due to my inconsistant sleep that i have headaches that hurt really really bad. sighs sighs. is there something wrong with me? why at my age i get insomnia like symptoms???? well insomnia is like a problem with sleeping....it doesn't really have many other symptoms...meh....

half the world i know is still sleeping at this time. and i completely mean it literallyy. yeah.......brian has like met most of my friends.....i don't have many i suppose. i mean i have a lot....but there are only an exceptionally few of them that i would talkie to....keke^^ meh. i have no idea....

sad really that brian has already met most of my friends....blah....

meh....got more times to read the books i want to read now....keke^^ oh wellz. meh....how fun...well now i'm going la....keke^^ i don't know. if n e one wants to talk to me......you know where to find me. hm

if i have ever caused you to feel uncomfortable and made you upset......i am sincerely sorry. sometimes i honestly just can't control my motions. i'm sorry. i really try to contro my emotions....but many times....i just cannot. i am sooo sorry. i do not mean to cause trouble in your livesbringing in a bit of my own into your own happy life. i'm sorry. i know shit happens....but i still believe that there is a GOD. if you truly never want to understand...and you just want to believe it the way or stuff you have....then there is no point in listening to what i have to say. i'm sorry.......i really do not mean to make you upset......sighs...sollie....

it's weird....but my old pc sux ass....and i don't understand how i lived with it for sooo long in the very first place. whack. oh wells. maybe the only thing i do very well is just typing. sighs sighs. i'm weird. i like being in quite place being able to think about things. weird aye? keke^^ i'm special. val likes the co-ed part of the gym. whereas me.....i like the women's fitness part. keke^^ but meh. that's cause it's alot cooler and well.....it's a lot more peaceful. if i want to work on weights by myself away from where all the people can stare at me.....i would go to the upstairs level of the gym. but i really enjoy cardio on the elliptical machines.....i have no come to the conclusion that i have like three favourite machines in the entire gym. i like the love handle machine, that funky one that has no name that seems to work out your abs......and egh....well the elliptical machine. amd i weird? keke^^ but i have no idea. meh. kekek^^ i'm weird. still the only machine i could sit and do forever would be like the leg press machine though.....and the leg press machine. but meh......i could use the elliptical machine till i was tired. it's funnay. meh.

i think i'll go to the gym every day of august.....but i'll prolly not go on saturday and sunday's. plus that also really depends what i feel like doing on friday and in the week. meh......i have no idea. tom's sat....so unless val is going to the gym....i won't go. meh......whatever. blah. keke^^ i don't know why....but i really like the gym. specially when i'm doing cardio...which i'm normally on the elliptical or on the bike. it's weird. it's cause well when i do.....i am normally thinking of other things when i am on these machines. it's a good thing though. it keeps my mind off of certain things....and the adrenaline and andorphines feels good to me. i think it's just the way my body react to this kinda stuff. so yeah.....meh.....

see....to begin with....i am never on cloud nine. but i am afraid to leave whatever feeling i am in now. keke^^ it's weird but if cloud nine is to be satisfied with everything.....i could never reach that state. my wish for perfection kills me and sometimes this is a strongpoint and sometimes it is not th best fact. you see.....wishing for perfection makes you wish for higher. but the thing about this is if i wish for perfection....i wish to be able to achieve it, but when i don't....i strive harder and use up alot of energy....and when things don't go my which, which most dont, i feel miserable. i am a spoiled child that wishes everything goes my way. i am a selfish child that only thinks about herself before others. i am a stubborn child that only listens to myself until i fall into a pit and must dig myself out. i am really glad i have the friends i do. i don't know what i would without them. keke^^ val, my most chit chattable friend, one that most people call a total flirt, is my best friend at skool. i honestly tell her everything....even if i know she doesn't wanna hear......hm......stretch marks....keke^^ j/ks j/ks. well yeah. it's funny and it's not funny. honestly val and jenny are like the only people in skool that i talk to. i mean...actually "TALK" to. i mean....i am popular as in i have friends. my moods freak out my friends...and i know that completely. i am a very moody person. but most time those that don't know me well don't notice. and then there are times that well i can't help but to show my true feelings. sighs sighs. i don't think it is right to hide one's true emotions. i am completely honest and sincere about this. sighs sighs.

honestly......i mean....people like to pretend that everything is alrights. sighs sighs. i would like to go to that funeral on that saturday. but since i do not know the family well.....i do not think it is right for me to just show up. i mean, i didn't even know the person who has passed away. I do not even know the person who's mother died very well. sighs sighs. i am sorry i never had the heart to make convo to get to know these people. sighs sighs. i mean.....in a sense, i want to see how it is like to be at a funeral.....everything is an experience....even though most times i'll prolly end up crying at a sad event like this. i've never really been to a funeral. honestly. i don't know how it feels to loose someone very dear to you. sighs sighs. i can only imagine how it feels. wait sorry.....i have never lost someone very close to me in the sense that i could never talk to them nor see em. it's either i wish to never see em again or i simply just don't talk to them. but loosing in that sense is completely my fault. hm. sighs. every one thinks i am lucky because i have never gone to a funeral of a person which i know dearly. they all think i a good to miss out on this type of experience. but truly....i'd rather know how solemn things are supposed to be. i'd rather know the feeling of it. i may not like it.....but what the hey.....i don't only wanna go to a funeral of my best friend(s) or like my parents or my sister. sighs sighs......

i don't know.....but i feel like crying now. not a depressed thing. weird. just thinking of death and everyone there.....

i don't understand myself.....i'm just weird......or in val terms....i'm seeeepecial with an r....keke^^ :D:P

hm.....i know i am moody. sighs sighs. it's really not my fault. i really try hard to remain in a state of bliss and happiness and let things happen as they do. but sometimes.....when i don't do anything.....i feel useless and hopeless and without an aim. sighs sighs. but then again.....when i do mingle with my own affairs and the affairs of others....it makes things all the worst. and then i feel more like a failure than anything else in the world. sighs sighs. and when i feel like a failure....i loose every part of sensitivity about me. i become cold and i hate everyone. sighs sighs. it's prolly cause when i'm happy i'm like on top of the world..,....i don't care about n e one, but i care about everyone in the world if that makes n e sense. so far i have gained a new found hope. and yet everytime i fall into depression this is the feeling i come out of it with. hm. i think tommy was a whack to my head. and i suppose he brought out what i truly knew.

Just because something is near impossible doesn't make it wrong.

sometimes my entries are super short.  but most times....i cannot help it because i can't sum up my thoughts so i do not.  meh meh....it's all good.  meh sooo tired.....  keke^^  but at least i'm feeling happy. 

can't wait till my hair starts growing.  my hair is like growing sooo slowly.  so yeah....meh.  at least this summer i will feel cool because i have less hair to deal with.  but if i feel like i'm freezing in the winter....sighs.....i don't want that to happen.  meh.  can't wait till i look like a gal again...keke^^

hm.....see.......thanx.....that is such an encouragement for me to hear.  keke^^  i suppose i will be upset all overagain for a lil while after this week.  but who said i can't enjoy it while it lasts.  hm.  exams are coming up.  and i'm grateful that my cloud of darkness has been lifted in my time of when i need to feel the most peace.  summer skool exam is coming up.  i'm glad for others prayers.  sincerely i am very glad. 

even if you can no longer sway my thoughts it doesn't mean that your thoughts don't mean n e thing to me.  it really makes me happy to think that no matter how dark i get, you stay by me even when you can't help.  sighs sighs.  i've become more of a recluse.  and i know this. 

unpopular to common belief, i do not need a boy to fill my heart.  GOD is supposed to be able to fill this gap that i feel.  and when GOD doesn't.....i shouldn't be running to a person i feel should be my soul mate.  it would be a great thought to have someone....but it doesn't mean that i should.  there are many times in my life that i know that if i do not try now......i would never.  but maybe my time isn't here yet. 

i do not want someone just to be my rebound.....i want someone that will spend the rest of their life for me.  i know that most people my age are unwilling to concieve of such a thought.....but i am committed at this age....so therefore.....there are many others that are just as committed.  sighs sighs....

till the day that GOD will give me the perfect guy for me......i will wait patiently and try loving others as much as i possibly can.  i pray that i will have the strength from GOD when i seem to be out of it.  I pray that i will still be able to love even when this world seems to have soo little of it.  i will work on my patience with everyone.....beginning with those that are the closest to me....and i pray with all my heart that i will succeed and not fall down just because i feel like i have no strength. 

sometimes i just need a whacking here and there.....blah.....

sighs......i am content with the way i feel now......i just hope it lasts....keke^^  i think well.....i will try to avoid guys for a time being.  and i will try to avoid people that don't annoy me.....gotsta work on patience......

 
it's funny that the lesson i need to learn over and over again is about love.....and it's funny how the verse under my blog title is about love....but yet i've grown sooo accustomed to it that i rarely even read it n e more....sighs.....

i think the only reason why i think about love soo much is because i have a constant fear of being alone.  and when this cloud of loneliness comes over me.....i become unwilling to see many things....sighs....

PRAISE THE LORD that he lifted the depression.....

 

for some reason.....i am reassured.....and i think i can live to what i was created for.  i know i am not GOD.  i know that well GOD is love.  and i know that we are created in the image of GOD.  yes i know we will never be like GOD because we are separated by sin.....but you know what?!?!?  we might as well try as hard as we might knowing we will fail here and there.  there is no such thing as failing....it's more like not doing to the full capacity of what we could.  maybe in many people's sense that is the same thing as failing....but really.....it doesn't matter a whole lot to me. 

yes....there are many types of love....but to me.....love is still love.  i try to love everyone as much as i possibly can.  yes.....maybe tommy is right....it's cause i felt like i failed.  but really.....that bit just doesn't matter n e more.  because i know i am human.  and i know i am not perfect.  i know that i will never be GOD.  it may be for the reason that i have been trying to perfect being like GOD that i lost the sense of me.  i lost the sense that i could never be.  keke^^ 

I know how GOD feels when we dissappoint him.  it's funny.  i think this is the same lesson that i was taught time and time again.  i never truly learn because i become dissappointed every time.  i finally know the true reason why i was upset.  it wasn't because someone spent soo much on a person.  it's because that well....caring in this sense equalled money.  so in this sense....thise jerk ass that i believed to be a jerkass spent like tons of money on someone......and i became mad because i had never really ever felt that much love from someone before.  remember...in this sense i equavilated love with money.  something really stupid. 

I will never be GOD.  i can only try and not match up.  i just have to remember to never give up....

hm......i think i finally know why i was feeling so shitty....val....you gonna think i'm a fishy fishy christian girl.  but you know what?!?!  so what if my church has fallen apart?  so what if i wasn't as great a christian as i used to be?  so what if everything i touch has turned to dirt?  what i touch could have turned to gold.....but GOD needed me to see differently.  i suppose i just needed someone to reassure me what i was living for.  keke^^  and some how.....tommy did dat....whack....

and so what if tommy was right?  i am trying to hide from this emptiness i felt?  so what if i was?  well at least now i am reassured.  i may not be the happiest child....but i can only strive for better.  it may not last.....but it doesn't mean it won't come back.  i'll fall into depression again......prolly in the next week or so....but till then.....i have alot of stuff i need to work on. 

sighs......don't get to know me.....i don't want to disappoint you....

a single word.  a sing action.  a single look can trigger emotions deep within that i tried to avoid so many years.  but that one single word, action or look causes an outburst of deeply hidden sorrows.  sighs sighs....

yeah....i know i know....my friends have become totally sick of being my shrink.  yeah i know i know.....it's not their fault....cause i am constantly feeling like shit.  sighs sighs. 

been in a bad mood ever since saturday....what the fuck?  why was i so fucking jealous?!?!  what the fucking hell is wrong with me?!?!  args args......

for some reason....my mommy just wanted to spend some extra mother sister time with me today.  i find this super queer.  but i love my mommy altogether.  but when i say this....i feel like crying.  why?  sighs.... is it because i truly don't love anyone?!?! 

am i incapable of loving???  sighs sighs.....

i feel so empty.  i feel like my world has fallen apart a few times over.  sighs sighs.  what will happen to me when i hit menopause?  everyone says this is pms.....i've been looking into it.....it's true that being extremely moody with thoughts that just confuse you is normal, it is also not normal for you to be like this anytime.  it is not normal if the week is not set.  sighs sighs. 

i don't know what has driven me so insane.  but i am.  and well.....unlike what val said.....i do not need a boi.....but maybe i want one......

i do not need someone to boost up my self esteem.  only i can do that.  i am unwilling to talk to strangers.  i am no longer out going.  every quality that people first fell inlove with me has now deteriorated.  if you want the person i am now....this is the person i will be.  i can't help it.  this gloomy out look in life has been with me since the very first memory i actually have.  sighs sighs.  most of my memories....inflicted by the pain and torment others have caused to me.....and pain and torment into which i have inflicted on self because of the thinking that if i enjoy too much now......all i have is gloominess. 

have i already tired out the days of which i would enjoy myself in?  will i spend the rest of my life like this?  will i be a miserable bitch for the rest of my days?  sighs sighs.

my whole family is bytching.  sighs sighs.  everyone is shit talking about everything and everyone else.  sighs sighs. 

i am running out of things to say to those that can actually talk to me.  sighs sighs.  some people want to talk to me....but yet i only answer with one word answers.  sighs sighs.  but well that's what they do to me.  it's just because i'm going antisocial.  i have nothing and everything....sighs sighs.....

so fucking moody lately.  and everyone says it's just a phase.  but i know it is not.  i am becoming more cold every day.  i noticed this when i began loosing all my patience.  everyone says it's stress, but i know different.  everyone says it's just because i was too used to being caring and that caring was what was driving me insane.  sighs sighs.  not the truth.  and don't you even classify me as another fucking teenager.  i have my OWN fucking emotions.....and i am not like EVERYONE else.  i don't need to fucking hear that everyone else is just the same.  i know i am similar to everyone....but i am not like eveyrone else.  everyone else still has feelings....everyone else is still different....similar....not the same.  you classify everyone as being one in the same.  everyone is fucking different.  everyone has fucking learnt to deal with every piece of bullshit differently.

sighs.  i am one of those people who have learnt to become the way i am.....but every bit of me is being whacked by the person who taught me to be me....sighs sighs. 

keke^^  guess what everyone?!?!?  take a guess at what has happened to me?!?!  keke^^  yeah yeah....i'm still a grumpy pooh....but meh.   well since i don't have my nice fast pc.....i am stuck with my shitty ass slow, rundown peice of shit.  but having a rundown peice of shit as a pc is better than having none right?!?!?  keke^^ 

seriously........i honestly just don't try to be a christian n e more.....

i always feel empty and guilty all the time.  no matter how i pray about these feeligns.....it just don't go away.....

but if someone pointed a gun at my head asking if i were a christian or not.......i would still answer yes.....becau?????????could die for me.....i owe it to him to DIE???????

sighs....haven't posted for sooo long....man....if blogger was a person....i could literally run up give it a big big hug and kiss it!!!!

sighs sighs.......

ken won't read my blog.  but if he ever had the chance to or at least someone would read it....i hope that they will tell him that i am truely sorry for making yesterday miserable.  i really wanted things to go well.  just that....well i'm tooo jealous of everyone.  because everyone treats me like shit once in a while.....and i really don't think to remember all the good things people have done for me.  it's not that i try to be ungrateful....sometimes......i just don't think......or i think just tooo muchie....i'm sorry....

i really didn't mean to be upset yesterday......i just was....i'm sollie.....

sigh sighs.......don't know what to do.......
 
so happy...meh...nothing'll happen.....so i shouldn't expect n e thing to happen cause then i'd be dissappointed......keke^^

sighs sighs.....i think he's playing me........

playdium plans......planning to be there by 2:45.....if i even go because i will have to beg val to give me a lift..... i know it sounds like i'm using her....but i'm not.  and i can justify it because i really kinda want val there with me.  my two bestest buddies.....val and bri.  i kind of need this comfort.  my bestest buddies.....
 
 

i don't know why.....but i feel like well...rather...well......weirded out.....
 
bessie....come save my ass!!!! i don't know why....but i really really miss you now.... haven't seen you in sucha long while....sighs sighs.....
 
i don't want to meet him alone.....sighs sighs.......i'm just plain afraid.  maybe it's cause i'm ashamed of myself.  but why am i ashamed?  there's nothing wrong with me.....honestly...there's nothing wrong with me!!!!  why am i ashamed of myself?!?!?  sighs sighs. 
 
sighs.....where's my val gurly?

wow....blogger fixed it up again....wow.....new improved look.... hate it.  i don't like change....that is maybe why i don't like many things or people because they changed.  my pc still is infected....but meh.....i don't know.  why does fobby ken want me to go to playdium with him sooo badly?  hm.  i'd rather not think about it.  i don't really want to go to playdium la.  i don't want to spend money...but maybe i'll spend the bus money.  so yeah.  i have no clue la. 
 
bri if you read this.....will you come to playdium with me?  even if you aren't going to play......i just don't want to be alone with a guy i rarely know....and a person i had a crush on before....sighs.  maybe that's what it is and always will be....a crush. 
 
something that'll make me feel upset because it ain't going to work.  i know it's not going to work. plus....i know it wouldn't work.  i know i don't need a guy to get self-satisfaction either.  so yeah.  
 
i see that i become very upset all the time because i feel empty inside.  and that's because of inactivity.  i think going to the gym even when i don't want to work out gives me satisfaction and i become happier.  people say that's because my body creates andrenaline when you do any form of exercise.  i suppose it's true in my case.  i dont' get much of a thrill and therefore everything seems to be upsetting sometimes.  going shopping now days doesn't even give me much enjoyment.  so yeah....sighs sighs...
 

sighs....not feeling dat great....sighs sighs....

don't know why....but just not in the mood....and i'm extremely tired.....going to the gym tonight....just haveta....

this was one of those things that i made when i was completely bored one time......and i was upset i think when i did it....but it took like hours to find and place the right lyrics in the right places....

this is a story of a gurl
she's so lucky, she's a star
she's a gennie in a bottle
she's beatiful, that's for sure
she'll never ever fade.
she's lovely, but that's not for sure
she's beatiful, words can't bring her down
she took a walk around the world
To Ease her troubled mind
she left her body laying somewhere In the sands of time
Secretly sending, tender kisses casually Across this crowded room
Her dreams are so real
Her body so appealing
HEAVEN'S MISSING AN ANGEL
crazy, crazy, crazy, as she drive some guyz insane
she's all that I've ever needed
But she's gone away, maybe she'd stay
If she only knew
It's the hardest thing I'll ever have to do
To look her in the eye and tell her I don't love you
She's been good to me, and she deserves better than that
I watched the world float to the dark side of the moon
Away from the sun that shines into the darkest place
I'm so far down away from the sun again
She says she's got something to say
She knows what she says will change everything
She's laid through too many sleepless nights
She's cryin, She's cryin', She's cryin'
You got me really feelin' you
The hit maker
The playas gon' play
Them haters gonna hate
Them callers gonna call
Them ballers gonna ball
oops she did it again
she played wit my heart, got lost in the game
she made me believe we're more than just friends
to loose all her senses
that is just so typically her
she's dreaming away
Wishing that heroes, they truly exist
she's stronger than yesterday
lonliness ain't killing her no more
sweet baby
she drives me crazy
i just can't sleep
Come and hold my hand
When the stars are falling
I'll keep calling
I will still love you
And when your dreams are fading
I'll be waiting
I will still love you

no.....i wasn't writing this to a girl....plus...these are all lyrics la....keke^^ and most songs are like like guys....unless they don't list a gender so then it would prolly be like some other people's songs.....

prolly haveta list which songs i took em from cause i don't wanna get sued..... let's see who's songs i took.....Britney Spears, Christina Agulara, Nelly Furtado, Three Doors Down, 98 Degrees, K-ci and JoJo, Backstreet Boys, N'SYNC, 3LW......i mightta missed a few along the way....but you can't say i didn't try to think of all of the artist that i took lines from......

compassion is not one of those things that you just return the act on. compassion actually comes from your heart. and if you say you have no heart....maybe you really don't because you just don't want to get hurt. sub-consiously.....you do not show emotion because you are afraid to get hurt. having scars is better than not having n e at all. good things come in little proportions. the best chocolate always comes in small boxes.....you learn to savour the taste, texture and aroma of the chocolate. mass production chocolates just don't taste as good. and chocolate is normally passed down from many generations of love. at least that's how most chocolate starts out.

meh....wanna go to the gym....but today....i really dont' feel like it...sighs sighs. meh. don't know why....but i really miss everything. meh....sighs sighs. cold....in the basement....so velly cold...

pc still has a virus...pat was right.....the virus i had was well....still on the memory of the thing...therefore, my pc is useless......sighs sighs....this sux ass!!! why why?!?!? mother fricking thing...sighs sighs....that just means i can't d/l muchie...can't listen to muchie....and everything else....oh wellz...

hm....my mommy might be going deaf....sighs sighs....that means....most chances....i will go deaf when i'm older. why are there sooo many diseases that are genetic?!?!? sighs sighs. oh wellz. that;s just how GOD created things to be....so i just haveta accpt it.

hm....sighs sighs....

sighs sighs. i can't fix my like sound card and such....sighs sighs....making me upset....

boo!!!!! did i scare you?!?! keke^^

args........man....on average....i type like 13 enteries a week.....that's about like 1.85 per day.......crappers.....

bytching about your problems to is only haf the serious matter. the serious part is what you get out of the bytching.....nothing helps n e more...

i have no more energy to invest in anyone...halfly cause every amount of me that i invest in others never comes back....i mean....yes....about the 100% i give out....i only reacieve about 5% back. a machine can't run on 5% efficiency....nor can a human. now....is it my fatal error that i care or is it not? the answer is yes and no.

...if someone were to love you they couldn't hate n e part of you. if you truly loved someone.....as a friend...as mother, father....sister whatever.....you love them for who they are.....imperfect.....you love someone for all their imperfections...not what they can do right.

honestly....sometimes i say i hate someone and so and so for doing something....and then i come to think about it.....i never really have hated them......it may have caused me more problems to deal with...but being on trial makes a person better sometimes.

in my case though....i should stay away from n e thing that would make me feel upset....because well...if i don't.....i'll be unpleasant. the world doesn't like a downer....and nore does it like someone being happy all the time. but the truth is.....people would rather see you faking what you aren't then to see your true self.

isn't talking to someone only cause you wanna bytch bout your problems called using someone? that's just the way i've always looked at it.....i'd rather be there when you are up and down....not just for the uppers.....nor just for the downers.....i don't want someone who'll just listen to my problems cause that's the only time they want to help.....

as i said.....i've lost all my energies and good spirit to help n e one out n e more.....i'm becoming more cold.....self-centered. i've lost myself in the sea of selfishness.....and i don't think n e one wants to save me cause well....they don't want me drown em in this sea

stupid friking as pc....stupid hackers...mother fuckers....

stupid fucking pc....args args....pat.....how the hell am i supposed to fix sumthing i can't read cause i can't read every chinese word? what the hell?

i don't know....but i post sooo many entries now days....

do i really nhave that many things running through my head or is it because i like to post stupid things to have me constanly not thinking about other things that would make me upset? i don't know why....but i feel like i'm using everything and everyone that i know....sighs sighs......

for some reason.....i have a feeling a death defying feeling that something bad is gonna happen to me.....args.......i hope it wont happen....

i publish a whole load of bs i suppose....sighs sighs....

you are sick of people asking if you are alrights...and i know it too......i know you appreciate it...but you are still getting sick of it. see.......people wouldn't have to ask if you allowed to understand....but maybe that's everyone's problem. when you have the attention....you don't want it....and when you have no one's attnetion....all you want is attention......

man.....don't know if i'm feeling good or if i'm feeling bad.....i really don't know cause well bri boi just ain't feeling all dat great....

you are not useless to me ar. just knowing you want to help means the world to me.....you might not notice....but you mean the world to me either way. and there aren't many that do even though i'd die for them.....

i don't know what's wrong....but i've been really moody lately.....i want to help you....but i can't even help myself....but maybe we can just go through everything together like how we used to.....it's sooo rare to have problems at the same times now days......it's always me upset...then you...then me...then you.....and it's always a cycle.....it's weird how it happens....different orbits around the same universe i suppose....

stupid fucking add....what the fucking hell?

args...stupid friken pc...a.rgs args....

i hate this.....stupid getting hacked by a stupid add....stupid ip number....i can't even fix it n e more cause i can't read n e thing in my pc....fuck this man....i gotsta get it all reformatted only cause i can't fix it!!! fuck!

sighs....people don't tell me n e thing n e more....and i think it's cause they are worried that i'd get worried and i'd get more stressed then i already ma. but the truth of the matter is....i can handle everyone else's troubles except mine....and allowing tme to think of my own troubles only makes things worst....sighs sighs...

i think too much.....too many odd random thoughts....sighs sighs. oh wellz. meh.....

why tell me that you have no girlfriend even when you've had one for like about a year? are you afraid that i wouldn't help you on your homework? keke^^ i'm not that type of person. if anyone asked me to help them with their homework i woulda helped either way. i don't care if you are not single or not. it didn't really matter. i just don't understand why yo'd lie to me like that. that's sooo evil of you. why does everyone like to decieve me? it it because it is easy to decieve someone who is very trust worthy? blah.....you a stinka.....boo whoo whoo

every word i have said to you.....not you...but another.....i have said in spite, hatred and anger. and even though i have said these words....i do not take them back. why you may ask? it's because i believe in every word i say is true. i believe you a crook. you have stole people's virginity and life. you have stole what is most precious to a girl. even if you do not believe so and so many others don't either. it's because your morales are low. it is because your human form is weak. yes.....i am saying this in anger....you have a problem? yeah.....i am a goodie two shoes....you have a problem? yeah....i am a christian? now what are you going to do? kill me? go ahead....i'd rather die then to live behind fake morals i know are not true....so go ahead an stalk me and point a gun to my head. yeah......the person i'm saying this to.....you know where i live....come and kill me cause i know you hate me. i know every part of me you can't hate because i've only shown you love. but every part of you still hates me because i have loved you and you don't understand it. now who's problem is that? mind or yours? it's not like you read my thoughts anyways...so it doesn't matter who i am ranting about. only those that are really close to me will know which person i am talking about. and even if they are close to me.....i have left the doors open to being two people......you can only know who i'm talking about if you are me.....but i am talking about both and no one at the same time.....oh wellz....gotsta stop ranting....l8a

gotsta pay close attention to my health....if i don't......i'll prolly get cancer....this is scary. hm. no i don't pms......but then again....i pms 24/7. sighs sighs. it's sad i know...but i really can't help it.... sighs sighs. i'm always moody now....and i just can't help it...sighs sighs

this world shouldn't have people like me living in it.....

oh yeah....the doctor said that lump is just a cis. and he says to just leave everything alone because well.....if i don't....i might just get it infected...and that'll be worst. if it's just a cis at that spot is that it'll just get flushed outta my system unless it starts growing. sighs sighs. i don't want it growing into a tumor!!! sighs sighs. it's kinda ironic......

...the complete irony of it all....

i just wanna run away. but that won't be happening. skool is too important to me. yeah i sound like a nerd. you have a problem? at least i have something in my life more than just fucking someone over and not caring about them. so yeah. you can just fuck the hell away from me and them some. i want you out of my life....but it just doesn't work. and i accept that you are not mine...and that still doesn't work? what the hell is my lesson? what the fucking hell is my lesson? what is it? is the answer to all my questions that i just haveta find happiness in misery because that is the way i am to live forever? what the hell is wrong with all of this?

F.R.O.G and W.W.J.D bracelets are the only thing that is keeping me sane at skool and not loosing all my patience. sighs sighs. it's driving me insane.

there must be something i must accept. what is the moral behind all the feelings of anger that i have inside? what is this problem i have for myself? args args. what oh what is the moral of the story? sighs. wy won't i stop tormenting myself. why does it seem that my emotional side is separate then my mental side? what the hell is going on with me/ what is it that i must accept to go on being the happy person i once was? i'm gaining weight rapidly. and if this continues....everything is going to go even more downhill for me. sighs sighs. i don't want to go downhill even more from here. sighs sighs....must loose weight. i just have to. it's not healthy gaining ten pounds in 3 days. sighs sighs. i just don't want to do anything anymore. i just don't want to do anything anymore. and all i do is stay home and cry. sighs sighs. it's a pathetic life i live. sighs sighs. disappointment brings tragedy to a life better spent in bliss and joyfulness. sighs sighs. obviously that isn't going to happen for me. sighs sighs. horible. completely horrible. i have no right giving anyone advice because i am such a hideous person. sighs sighs. i must hide all of myself from the dark. sighs sighs.

...sigh...

many of you have asked why i feel the way i do. but i am unable to answer that question.,....because i don't know the answer to that question either. i find no fulfilment. sighs sighs. all the pain....sighs sighs....

i remember hearing a song like this....of course in chinese....but just retyping it out.

on a wonderful day; the sun was shining, but yet my heart was cold as ice.
the wind was blowing; the trees swaying from side to side, but yet my mind was still.
kids were playing; smiling and singing as they ran by, but yet a funeral was held inside of me.

well...that's bout all i can remember from the song. that one stanza of it is like imprinted in my mind....sighs sighs. i don't even know who the heck sang it. i don't even thing i want to know what then end of the song sounds like. prolly is talking about lost love again....but what the song says....it is truly how i feel right now. and i can sum it up all in one word. LONLINESS. sighs sighs. pitiful i know....but i don't want your pity. sighs sighs. depressed again.....but meh.....nothing i can do anymore to help myself.....sighs sighs.....i want to say good bye to the world for good this time....but i know i would never be able to let go of anything because i am merely just a human. sighs sighs. depressing world. depressing thoughts. depressing humans. everything is sooo despicable. sighs sighs. where is all the love i one had before? where is that happiness i had in loving everything and everyone even though they didn't love me? where is my fulfilment? where oh where?!?!? sighs sighs.

there was another confo worth remember from yesterday....but i can't remember anyof it. all i can remember is val telling me that i shouldn't really care what people think of me.....and i was like....i know i shouldn't, but it's so hard. no matter how i try....i just can't. i just don't like these looks people give me. i just don't like it.....and at that point...i remember i almost wanted to cry because i felt so miserable. sighs.

i don't think anything from thise world will ever satisfy this gap in my heart. nothing and no one. sighs sighs. there's only one person that understands me even without me telling him anything. sighs sighs. but at this time....i wish not to speak to anyone. especially not him. cause i feel like every time i do....i only ever talk about my problems. i know he's there when i'm up....and i know he's there when i'm down.....but i never talk to him when i'm up.....and only when i'm down do i really go looking for someone to talk to. why am i so selfish? why amd i so self-centered? why am i so human?

why am i crying? what is this feeling that causes me to cry? what is it? why?!?!? why must i feel like shit constantly....what is the matter with me? sighs sighs....i haveta learn to be independant. sighs sighs.

reminencing on a convo i had yesterday.....

me: sighs.....i feel sooo lonely....but i know i'm not ready to be with anybody yet.
val: why so?
me: because i can't even control myself. unless i am ready to teach myself and learn more about myself, i will never be ready to be with anyone.
val: sometimes it's better to have someone for that very reason though.
me: yeah i know, but i have no confidence in anything anymore. i just lost all my confidence since i see everything before me fall apart time after time.
val: and like i said before, for that same matter, it is sometimes better to have someone for that very reason. but it is no reason to purposely look for a guy. guys will come running to you, and if he's the right one, he'd never pass you up. you are just to great to pass up by anyone.
me: do you think i'll ever find true love?
val: hey sure.....why not? you're a great person.
me: do you think that when i do find it that i'd just pass it up?
val: what do you mean by passing it up?
me: i mean, i don't like white guys. what if there was a person that was head over heals with me and just because he was white and i said no.
val: haha. you'd never do that. if he was head over heals in love with you, you'd like him too because he probably isn't a jerk ass
me: do you think i'd ever give true love up?
val: i don't see you giving up a person. but the truth of the matter is, i believe that you'd give up true love for your friends. i'm 99% sure that would be the only reason why you'd give up love.

everything after that point to me was a blur. i already started become the recluse i am and headed for my shell. sighs sighs

sighs....i feel like i'm using all my friends as shrinks only cause i don't ever wanna go back to one....sighs sighs....and i wanna be one...but considering that i am the one that needs one the most....well then....sighs sighs.....i messed up......it's my fault.....but is it really??? but then of course it is. cause no one can inflict any pain on anyone unless they first allow themselves to let the pain be inflicted on themselves first. sighs sighs. there is torture, torment and death.......sighs sighs.....i don't want to go on that road over and over again....

yes there are those that understand my pain....but i am not willing to share. yes....i want to escape....but i will not.....and i don't think i shall. i always end up heading back n e ways....sighs sighs....the gym's not open tom....sighs sighs....but is it something that i can help? it doesn't matter.....it really doesn't....i'll go to the gym on monday i suppose....sighs sighs.... i have fallen back into my trap.....all i want to do is leave and never come back....where is this place that i can find joy and want nothing more? why is this mere human wanting so much that this world is unable to provide? why oh why am i soooo pathetic.


I'M ABOUT TO BREAK!!!!!!

sighs......i finally figured out why i am sooo afraid to see you....and count on my word......i know why.

i know some of those people out there are real friends. then there are those that that aren't my real friends. it is much easier to face someone who means nothing to you. it's much easier to face up to something you know isn't real. it is just easier living life if you thought that life in itself was not life. but i can't go on living like that. and i think i know why i feel hollow now. i constantly live life with a double standard. i continue to live life saying that there are "two mes." the thing about that is that there are.....sincerely and truly there really is.....but in order to live i must face everywhere and everything with the whole me. not just part of it.

now back to the fact of why i can't face up to you. for days on end.....i have really wanted to go out and take initiative and meet up. but really....deep down inside....i have this constant nagging feeling that i am doing something wrong. there's something that i have done to wrong everyone. sighs sighs.....it is my fault...it is my fault....sighs sighs....

wow....some people really don't often like update their thoughts and suchie....but i have sucha great need for it. sighs sighs. i'm exerting my negative energies into keeping myself fit. i hope this doesn't become an obsession that i slowly loose interest in. i really haveta keep this one. i'm planning to go to the gym almost every other day at least....since i have nothing better to do anyways....so yeah....keke^^ how fun isn't it? i still must say that my favourite thing to do is the leg press.....can't help it.....it's just something that i like alot. keke^^ besides the other machines that makes me like egh....feel less comfortable...but meh. keke^^

val.....your gym....guys.....hm......sweet?!?!?!? keke^^ oh wellz.....at least i'm your motivation?!?!? keke^^ i'll be dragging you for a while la...keke^^ so yeah....keke^^

i think i'm doing alot better now.......after that leg workout....i'm feeling alot happier.....keke^^ feeling alot more pleasant....keke^^ no more wanting to cry and feeling stupid.....i think this will be good for me.....well you know what? i suppose i'll get addicted to going to the gym for a while then....so yeah....

sleeping now....goodnight....hope things'll be better in a few minutes....

i don't know what's wrong with me again....but i can't help but to type up stupid things and post em......sollie...but i just can't help it. haven't written many thoughts in a while....and i just can't control myself.....i missed my ol blogger....

some people can't live without family
some people can't live without a life mate.
some people can't live without a friend
some people can't live without electronics.....
no one can live without knowing themselves
no one can live without accepting themselves
no one can live without loving themselves
no one can live without GOD

now blah to my thoughts...gotsta go sleeping now....

the only thing keeping me going????don't think there is.....loosing all of myself and i think i've already lost all of myself....

well i'm sleeping at twelve.......i think

i'm telling an almost complete stranger my problems......wow....it's kinda weird and kinda funnay....

sighs sighs......i'm not a happy camper.....

should be sleeping now....but can't.....i really wanna know why....all i want to do is become a drone and sit in front of pc all day and cry.....

hm

sighs....i miss the way i used to be....but then again before...i felt very shallow before too....

1....2....3.....4....5.....6....7...8...9.....10......i should feel better...but i don't....args...

i miss myself....i've become soo self-centered.....but why is it that no one wants me to do n e thing for them n e more? why do i calculate my self-worth being based upon others????why is it so important to me?

i don't know if my dream made sense.....but i had that dream before....when i was six was the very first time.....was i in the grass field then?

this dream happened on sunday night.....and after this....i was unable to fall back asleep because it disturbed me...because i remember the first time i had this dream....i wet the bed....and was crying when i woke up.....i was six at the time

if life is meant to be said as a journey, tough and confusing...then i suppose this is what the whole thing symbolized then.

in this time....i was running this race with one guy.....my best guy friend at skool....matt, a few other random people that i never saw in my life....but too distinct in facial features to be made up.....i am bound to meet them one of these days...because that is what always happens to me. don't know why i had him in this dream.....but maybe it was because we went shopping on that friday....but i have no clue. altogether this is my dream.

at first we were in a wide open field...we were looking for something....someone found it....so we ran........but i was made to carry it. then we came to a corn feild.....in a maze......the object....to go to the center...and every four wing of the maze to find five different objects.....we found it.....and yet again i was made to carry the objects.....the next scene....we were running through hot melting sand.....beautiful at first sight.....nightmare to walk on. here....we were to dive through the sand and find something underneath....sighs....my fear....water...but altogether.....it was only the first hot layer that really hurt.....getting past first jumping in was the hardest....it was refreshingly cold water underneath....we found it quick...and yet also made to carry this too. all in all....everything was getting heavier and heavier...harder and harder to carry....but i still carried with poise and grace. with mighty effort....but with great poise and much grace. i have no idea why my dream always ends here....but it does.....and everytime...i cry in my dream. the last scene before i wake up. i run with loads and loads to carry....am of course slower...but only about few seconds slower...and the last one is to go on the elevator to a certain floor and finish this entire mission. but i never complete it. my team ditches me....and i am left alone......not knowing what floor to go to....not knowing what level to finish at.....and since i do not know.....i step into the elevator....other people come and go......enter and then leave....but me.....i am lost and confused....and i am unable to move....i am frozen to the little corner seat where i am familiar with. i am angry that everyone has left me alone. i am angry and sad that no one told me where to go. i am frustrated that no one else helps me....and i wake up to darkness....everytime...i wake up right before the sun comes up around 4 or 6.....

for some reason....i had a reoccuring dream.....reoccuring to the sense that well.....everything that happened was the same.......but the person in it was different? is my dream trying to tell me something and that i am not merely alone?

wow....i'm selfish to believe that no one cares....sighs sighs.....

hm....you'd prolly read this....i know you always do. and i dont need to put names...cause i know who you know who i am talking to....and everyone else that knows me....knows most of my thoughts are replies to yours or me blabbing and thinking and thanking you.

hm...going to deviantart...after long time of internet and i see your name on a pic....and underneath.....saying christian......but even without those words....i think of light in a world of darkness.....whack.....maybe i just think in circles....

my tearstricken face makes me look more human now.....

i've lost my confidence....i've lost my smiles....i've lost my happiness.....what has happened to me?

every so often i feel shitty....and every so often.....tears rush down my face uncontrollably....sighs sighs....

sighs....what has happened to the open-minded me? why am i so anal? why do i have so much hatred? why why? why do i have so much guilt? why?

the truth is....maybe i never let anything in my heart to begin with. maybe everything is my fault in the end. it is i who trained my brain to tick in a certain way.....then it is my fault and solely my fault because i react a certain way.....

it is solely my fault that i break down and fall.
it is solely my fault that i cry because i am unable to bear it.
it is solely my fault that people treat me the way they do.
it is solely my fault that i am unable to train myself to have more patience.
it is solely my fault that all i do is blame myself.
it is solely my fault that i remain in this chronic depression because i am unable to fully dig myself out.
it is my fault that my mind is empty.

you walked a mile for me.....but would i be able to walk two miles for you? sighs....i know i can walk with you....but could i carry that torch alone with out anyone? sighs sighs. what do i struggle with? what is my problem?

if the world would just leave me alone....i think i'd turn back into the dust that i first came from.

logic should be simple straight easy to understand......why is it always twisted and hard to follow then?

if when i speak no one understands me....then what's the point of me trying to explain? if you know that the answer i give you will not be understood....why are you wasting my time and wasting my breath?

for some reason.....i'm struggling with everything and everyone around me......

i don't wanna be here.....i don't wanna be here......args args...

i don't wanna leave...but i don't wanna stay.....

i hate this....but there's soo much to love....

what the hell??? why the irony????

sighs sighs.....

dying is an art...and i have not mastered it as like some other people have......some people that are really into the whole poetry and literary world would know the very first line was from a famous poet named sylvia plath. sighs....my life is becoming more depressing like hers....hm. similar to her....cept that i have no major man in my life. i do not have horrible family problems. i have a hard time finding myself and understanding myself. i am not premiscuious....however the hell you spell it. or maybe i am....just not physically....but instead.....mentally....meh.....

i'm not afraid of death....i never lied about that.....but what i'm afraid about death is just the time at which i'll be taken away.....would it be the present, distant future or the close future?

sighs....haven't posted in a long time...haven't gone on line for a long time. but using the pc is sucha waste of time. sighs sighs...need to fix it again...but i have no time to like fix it anymore....sighs sighs...don't even have the time to bring my pc to people cause i don't know what to fix. sighs sighs. is there something wrong with you? sighs sighs. no...it's more like there is sumthing wrong with me. soo much on my mind these days....all i want to be is be alone and fall asleep and everything'll be betta