yeah, why don't i just jump off the cliff and never come bak. hahaha=>:D i noe i wun, and i'm not a coward, i am not a coward for saying no. a coward is someone who is afraid to jump off that cliff. i am not afraid, i am just unwilling because i know it is not rite dat i do so. don't u even classify me as another cowardice teen, because i'm not. don't u even dare say that.

everything offends me to tell you the truth. every lil thing you do, but it's just a matter if i care too much or too lil. hahaha=>:D not like you really care, but it's alritez. some thoughts are left better not said, but i express everything in writen words of which not many read. because they don't care much, or because they think i'm boring, or because they just dun wanna. i shouldn't care, and i don't care much that you don't read it. just rememba, when i tell you to read sumthing, u betta fucking read it! so yeah, whateva. i'm going now, l8a.

yeah, i am a boring person, no new thoughts, just the same thoughts reworded all the same. but yet at the same time, the intensity of what i'm trying to say is based on sumthign that is the same

yeah yeah
hahaha=>:D u can get bored. i don't really care much now. skool's starting, i'll have my own lil problems in this lil pathetic mind of mine. i won't need ur help n e more. hahaha=.:d but there is no time as now as i've ever needed n e one as much

hahaha=>:D everyone thinks i can't handle it when they use willy's name in a sentence. sooo funnay. hahahaha=>:d that's not true, i can handle n e one's name, just as the other name. hahhaa=>:D no problems la.

yeah, i'm withdrawing from the world, it's not like anyone can help it. the only person that can help me from falling into this trap is meh and like GOD.

people say they care, it's not a lie i give you that. but how much can never be expressed until you feel as if i were to be lost or sumthing. trust meh on that one. maybe no one will ever see me as i see myself. maybe no one will ever see them the way i see them. yeah, lyphe's a process of learning to accept and learning what not to accept. yeah, but there are certian things that i would never allow myself to do. but there is only a certain limit.

it's definate that i will be going bak to hk and taiwan in two years. not that many people even care to read these thoughts, i just thought it would be nice for you people to know. dat is, if i'm still living at that time. and i dun die in a car accident or sumthing. no one wants to think of it that way, but i don't care much about death. death is just a natural process, it is the inevitable, because all shall die. everyone shall face GOD. in light or not.

am i getting boring being so repetitive? yeah i am? yeah, go kiss my a to da double s. bak to my angry phase, i think i'm better this way, at least i dun get hurt so often. i dun give a damn. i want to care for you people. no matta how hurt i get, i'll prolly still be dere for you, but really, why should i? oh wellz. GOD is da main example of what i shall do. hm.

do dreams come true? well i'm going, l8a

sang by faye wong. .

I Am Willing
Recalling is a very profound thing
Like shadows~follows walking

Obscurity haunts at the bottom my heart
In a flash~I am swallowed up in loneliness

I have no strength to resist
Especially in the night
Oh~
Think about you to the point I have no way of breathing

I wish I could immediately
Run about wildly towards you
Loudly tell you~

I am willing to for you
I am willing to for you
I am willing to for you
Forget my name

Even if there is one more second
Staying in your arms
Losing the world is not a pity

I am willing to for you
I am willing to for you
I am willing to for you
To be banished to the horizon

As long as you are sincere
Respond to me with love
(I am) Willing to do anything
Willing to do anything
For you

sung by david tao....

Search For Myself (Rain)
Yesterday night I had a dream
I walk into the Sahara desert

No one there, I stand underneath the sun
66.6 Celsius

Quickly needs to incinerate my eyes
Suddenly a period of heavy rain
Falls down

My sweat is washed away by that rain
Ending 14 days of torment

The desert has already changed into an oasis
Under the rainbow is a big tree

On the big tree is an apple
Take a bite
Then I completely understand

Can you let me again

Let me again go back into that beautiful world
To search for myself

Hua la la la la la
The sky is raining

Hua la la la la la
The cloud is weeping

Hua la la la la la
Dripping into my heart

No need to say, I will only daydream
No need to be with me, I will only desire wildly

Hua la la la la la
Let me get drenched in the rain

I only hope to be able again to

Able again to once more go back into that beautiful time
To search for myself

Crowded into the bus like sardines
Go to work, get off work, everyday is a regular pattern

Where are so many people going?
Every face is written with feeling useless

Father and mother have no love for one another
Can it be that this is the truth of life?

Can you let me again

Let me again once more go back into that beautiful world
To escape

Hiding under my eaves
OH

Sleeping inside my bed cover
OH

Listening to the rain tick tick tock tock

yeha yeah, sung by jolin

How Can You Not Even Speak Clearly?
Think of something else
But in your eyes what do you discover that flashed passed
How is it like loneliness?
Thus I will be even more silent

Things that have not been spoken
The whole world nearly understands what that is
And I get out of the way while embarrassingly smiling
I can only pretend not to understand

How can I expose your differences?
OH but yet
This world just has to be so small, so crowded and so thin

The sun intentionally shines so fiercely
Why did you appear after he appeared?

How can you not even speak clearly?
That tender tone, I can hear clearly

I stand by his side
You stand in front of me
How come my heart will feel sad like this?
How can you not even speak clearly?
That tender pain, I can remember it clearly

He stands in front of me
You pass by my side
Suddenly my heart feels sad again
Why?

i like dis translation, but i dun really care for the song much, maybe i'd learn to like it, but whateva...

The Same Kind Of Tune
That statue plasters that is pure white all over
Clean colour without pressure is very pleasing
I am sitting in the drawing room imitating the statue thinking
Yet as if hearing the same perplexing idea
The tip of the conifer
Pass through the green tunnel
A general mystery is knocking
We possess
The same brains
The same hobbies
On the door the lace lines falter and show off
But if there wasn't wind, it won't be able to do it
I know collaborative tacit understanding is very important
Then only when one is proud is one not lonely is very dull
The framed castle
Very Europe's romantic atmosphere
Facing this poster
We are in a far distance
Admiring
And smiling

Tacit understanding cannot be forged
We are the same kind of tune
Not concerned about the weather forecast
Because that is insignificant
Want to play a ball game, heavy rain, still bounce
Only watch the music frequency
Long for to be able to put a sign on the corner of the sky
That place blue is the best
I really understand
Tacit understanding cannot be forged
We are the same kind of tune
Manage everything by myself
Decide to wear what coat
Have a ringtone especially for messages
Never compare with other people
Have only drunk iced beverages
Smile very little
Eat whole wheat bread

(RAP: Soon going crazy
Mood slants towards leaving the orbit
Soon going crazy
I cannot get to sleep
Soon going crazy
Expression jokes with me
Soon going crazy
I cannot bear it
This is good
If our identities were switched
My worries
You will also know of being grateful as if you were the one having the favour done
Depressed and very dry
Soon going crazy
Soon going crazy)

i think dat's it for all my fave songs off dat cd. so yeah.....i haven't listened to much of the others, only because i dun like de beginning, but every song has a nice meaning, but sum are just completely stupid. but i'll stilll listen to it. each and everyone of dose four i have kinda relate...but whateva

Her Eyelashes
Darling there are always things that cannot be taught
The feeling of expressing the wrong feeling is a bit bad
Hang on and refuse to clear out
Will make people
Sick of you
I understand all the reasons above
I silently memorize the mistakes I shouldn�t make
Carefully observing her favourites
And my drawn tight outward appearance
Is like a tight spring
Waiting for her to announce her answer

Her eyelashes
Curved corner of her mouth
Smiles towards me without warning
Without omen
Unexpectedly
Unexpectedly she shows good will towards me first
Her eyelashes
Curved corner of her mouth
She uses the expression of her eyes to take a picture of me
I cannot give up
Her smile
Brimming with the flavour of happiness

There are some things that cannot be taught
The feeling of expressing the wrong feeling is a bit bad
Hang on and refuse to clear out
Will make people
Sick of you
I understand all the reasons above
The way to love cannot be transcribed with a pen
And there are also no rules that you can take a snap course on
The fate of being passive is not very reliable
You need to choose the one you like yourself
Her fresh-face graceful outward appearance
Like a honey peach with a lot of juice
Everyone wants to take a bite of it
The shiny lipstick on her lips
Has a general proud confidence
I can see it

(RAP: Her eyelashes
Curved corner of her mouth
Smiles towards me without warning
Without omen
Unexpectedly
Unexpectedly she shows good will towards me first
Her eyelashes
Curved corner of her mouth
She uses her expression of her eyes to take a picture of me
I cannot give up
Her smile
Brimming with the flavour of happiness)

yeah yeah, i like dat song, but i'm a gal. just think as if it's a gurl describing diff more manly features......i suppose......i dunno.....i'm just weird....

You Can Hear It
Who can know better than me
That your tenderness is like feathers?
Secret lying within my embrace
Only you can hear it
Is there still anyone who knows
That your smile is like a hug?
Really want to hide your goodness
Only I can see it
Standing on the rooftop only saying to the wind
Don't want to be pushed around
Originally hated the sky that rains
Until I hear someone say they love me
Sitting on the second floor of the cinema
Watching a crowd moving pass
How can the we of that day
Quietly smile for a very long time?
I think I am too dependent
In a moment ago hanging up the telephone
Persist in imitating a pure child
Quietly watching over this portion of love
Know I cannot be too dependent
Scared that you will spoil me
Your fragrance lingers all along
I cannot bear to leave

yeah yeah, about woman......guess who it could be aye??? well it goes for a lot....if you really think about what jay writes about. but whateva.....still one of my faves....

crap, man....all the songs i like best from jay's cd, ye hiu mei, are all like da most saddening like translated songs. hm......maybe i just fall for like dose really sad songs because dey describe the feeling i go through. there are only about four or five songs that i like alot on this cd of his. so yeah.....i still have a few more transations to post.

hm.....do you want meh to give you the translations of jays songs ma? it's soo nice...hahhaa=>:d

East Wind Breaks
A lamp of separation lament
Loneliness stands still at the window
I am behind the door
Pretending that you have not left yet
Old days like being revisited
Full moon even lonelier
Half conscious candle in the night
Can't bear to criticise me severely

A pot of a wanderer
Wander about far away from home, hard to swallow

After you left
The recollection of the warmth of wine recalls being thin

The water flows towards the east

How to steal time?
Flowers bloom and mature once
Yet I missed it

Who is using the lute to play
The song "East Wind Breaks"?

Times and seasons peeled off the wall
See when I was small

Still remember that year we were still very young

And nowadays the sound of the piano is spooky
My waiting
You have not heard yet

Who is again using the lute to play
The song "East Wind Breaks"?

The maple leaf dyes the story
I see through the ending

I lead you through the ancient path outside of the fence
The year of desolation
That even separation is very silent

i just notice sumthing, the english translation for my fave song on the newest jay cd is kinda really good.

Fine Day
The spring flower of the story
Floats from that year when it was born
Swinging on a swing in childhood
Following memories always swaying till now

ruay sou sou si dou si
la sou la si si si si la si la sou

Playing the prelude, watching the sky, I remember the petal trying to flop

That day when I skipped class for you
That day when flowers fall
That classroom
How come I couldn�t see
The disappeared rainy sky?
I really want to be drenched again
Never thought that I still keep the courage that I have lost
Really want to ask again
Will you wait or leave?

This day of the typhoon
I tried to hold onto your hand
But yet
Rain gradually
Heavy to the point that I cannot see you
How much longer
Before I can be at your side?
Waiting for that day when it clears up
Maybe I will be a bit better
In the past, in the past
There was someone who loved you for a long time
But yet
Wind gradually
Blows the distance really far apart
Not very easily
Once again be able to love a day more
But the end of the story it seems like you still said bye-bye

sighs sighs, this song i suppose describes everything that i feel at the present moment.....hm......

even though i wuz right on one thing, it doesn't mean that everything else from my previous entries meant nothing. here goes, i can't handle loosing. loosing a fight, loosing things, people, relationships. i cannot tolerate loosing. but success and loosing are totally diff thigns. one may say i lost out on a good course in skool but in skool, it's just that i didn't succeed. yeah yeah. dat's a crappy example. i will never be able to tolerate loses or to loose. i hate it. when it's supposed to be a competition, i hate it. and if it's supposed to be sumthing that i should treasure, and i do, then when i loose it, i'll go crazy, and i'll never be the same again.

i can predict, one of these days, i will go crazy because of stress, because of skool, because of work, because of everything. i will go crazy, like i did today. i couldn't control myself. i couldn't stop breathing like a fish outta water. i couldn't help the crazy movements that my body made. i couldn't control the urge to throw things, punch things, kick things. i just couldn't control it.

i am an extremly moody person. as quick as lightning, my mood can and will change. as quickly as you blink, i can fall into depression, or anger just as easily. i don't know wuz wrong, i can't control it. i want to control these urges to not be happy. i want to control my thoughts so i will not think this way, but each and everytime i try, i just get it worst in the baklash. sighs sighs.

i noe one of these days, i will love. but to love GOD is the first step to ever love n e thing, love n e one. sighs sighs. but yet i am filled with hate, hate to love. i hate the meaning of what love is, but love what love is only because that's the only thing that would ever fill my soul. a human has body, mind, and soul. to have fulfillment to feel complete joy, you must fill your soul with love. not the love of this world, but the love of GOD. i guess that's where i'm lacking. cause i despise everything just as easily as i first fell in love with it. i have a very wordly view of love. but yet i comprehend the full extent of what it is and can be. sighs sighs....

hahaha=>:d i wuz right. my sister took my agenda. hahaha=>:d she took it the nite before she left. hahaha=>:D she just never mentioned it to me. hahaha=>:d yeah yeah. i suppose GOD let me calm down. my legs are still kinda numb from breathing too fast. but yeah. hehehe=>:d well i have a tape that was recorded from the night of the music nite. hehe=>:d it's gonna be returned to churchie of course. i will find a way to record it an make it into a mp3 file. but at the present moment, i don't have the equiptment, nor the energy or program. yeah. i'm mad, i'm frustrated. yeah, my anger is slowly turning into hate again. i don't wanna be this way, but my anger never subsides, no matter how hard i try for it to leave. arg!!!!

yeah yeah, i still haveta burn that cd for patty boi, but i haven't got the time. i promised that i would finish that memory verse book for him, but u'll just haveta wait till christmas to get it now, cause i wun have time to finish it once skool's started. i'm trying to add my finishing touches, i'm gonna ask jean and ann to draw lil bkg pics to make it not soo white. hehehe=>:d i'm pretty sure they will do it, cause well, dey love drawing. hahhaha=>:D i'm trying to make an accompilation of my fave jay songs. i really dunno if i should include simple love. i really hate that song now. there are many reason's why i hate dat song now. i used to love it, when well, things were better and i wuz happy. but now days, all i can rememba are happy memories of what i still want, but can't have.

i have never forgotten, i have never let go. hahaha=>:D u'll still be in my heart. hahahaha=>:d but it dun matta, u ain't gonna be reading dis. whateva.

pleaz ignore the profanity, i've just gone insane, and i can't control my typing fingers, i feel so week. i'm sweating and it's cold in the basement. i can't feel my legs n e more. arg!!! it took me just five minutes to get up stairs to search for my agenda! an normally it only takes like maximum 10 seconds. arg!!! i kicked a door, but my toe doesn't hurt. arg!!!! i can't feel my arms. well i can, but all i noe is dat dey feel heavy, like 100 times heavier den dey were before. i think i should sleep again. i feel a fever coming on, i'm getting all hot and sweaty, but cold all at da same time. aiya. sighs. where has my agenda gone? i'm going insane. if i don't find it, i will be insane. arg!!!! no one's home to help meh control my insanity.. arg!!!! rememba what happened in the movie theatres dat time? well it happened again, it happens when i dun breathe properly. so i noe dat i can't be surprised, nor should i be too upset. yeah, u haven't seen me upset. upset is me when i go bezerk like a mad woman. none of you have ever seen that. because if i were outta my house and i wuz a mad woman, i would have died by now, cause i'd run in the middle of the streets not knowing it wuz in da middle of it. so yeah. arg!!! i think my sista took my agenda! or my mommy put it sumwhere. cause i can't find it n e where in the house, and i've searched every room already. my house only has three floors. my house only has one room to the basement. my house only has three rooms in the main floor. and on the top floor i only have five, including the washrooms. arg!!! man, my sister took my agenda accidentally, dat's most likely da case, i'm still going insane knowing this though! arg!!!!! well i'm gonna sign off. unless u can help me locate my agenda. arg!!!!!

i think my sista took my agenda!!!! ar!!! yeah, it may not be important to you, but to me, i just can't handle loosing n e thing. arg!!!! i dun care if i give it away, but i just can't loose it. arg!!!! i'm laughing like a mad woman. i can't stop laughing, i can't stop screaming, i can't stop crying. arg!!!!! help me!!!! arg!!!!! i could just throw things on the ground rite now. arg!!!! i'm going insane. ar!!!! where the hell is my fucking agenda?!?!?! arg!!!! i lost it even before skool started!!!!

hahaha=>:D to the doctor, i seem to be fine. hahaha=>:D avery healthy gurl at the age of sixteen. i'll be five five, and i'll always stay 120 max. i'm going insane. what am i saying?!?!? arg!!!! i think i've lost my mind. ah!!!!!! i must find my agenda. arg!!!! i think i killed a few more brain cells today. i almost blacked out again. arg. haha=>:d arg!!!!

fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck
shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit shit
i can't handle this. arg!!!! going insane!!!! arg!!!! shit fuck shit fuck shit fuck. arg!!!! going insane!!! arg!!!!! can't feel n e thing, my fingers are numb, the door i kicked doesn't seem to hurt, and nor am i in pain. arg!!!! going insane!!! my head hurts!!!!!
i can't handle loosing things!! arg!!!! arg!!!!!! i'm going insane!!!!!

fuck, my whole post just disappeared!!!! ha!!!!!

i'm soo whack...i don't like to recieve hugs, unless i'm down. and when people give meh hugs, i dun think i give really good hugs. i'm weird. i noe. hahaha=>:d dun be offended if i dun hug ya.....cause i just can't take hugs. sighs sighs. i allow only hugging to like certain people. but i dun think those certain people noe dat dey can hug me. yeah yeah. i'm a weird gurl. man...i'm turning into a gurlie gurl. hm....i'm soo whack.....

that look on someone's sleeping face. u cannot forget it. unless they are having a nightmare, their face always has a little smile. sighs sighs. do i frown while i sleep, i have such unpleasant dreams all the time. sighs sighs. u dun understand how much i miss just staring at you. for a second, a minute, an hour. sighs sighs. i dun even now what i'm saying n e more. all i noe is dat well i'm missing you. afta so long. yeah....sighs sighs. afta soo long and i still miss. sighs sighs.

i don't wanna run away, but i can't take it, i don't understand. sighs sighs. jean.....u are soo rite. i miss him lots, still....afta six months and two weeks....i still miss him lots....sighs sighs. u are soo rite. and rite now, u believe that i'm just rebounding and dat i just like every guy that gets close to me because i hurt soo much and miss soo much. yeah yeah, u are rite. sighs sighs. i sigh alot now days. i sound like an old lady don't i? sighs sigh.

yeah i've told ya jean. i miss alot of what i can't have because everyone's just my friend. yeah. and it would be inappropriate for plain friends to just come up to meh and hug me from behind, to kiss my forhead, to smell my hair. it would just be awkward either way. yeah yeah. for both sides. u wish the best for me. as like everyone else. sighs sigh.

i just miss that feeling of hearing someone else's heartbeat. i just miss being held tight as if never to be let go of. of course u will always haveta let go, but while it lasted, it was worth it. hey. it was sweet to see you just lay there and sleep rite beside me, even though both times i never slept. hm....i never even really said much of this to n e one. well u noe, most times i missed fellowship, was because i was out with willy. yes yes, saying that i went out with jenny, i'm evil i noe, but too bad. hahaha=>:d i suppose what i miss is just that look while sumone's sleeping. u prolly dun undestand unless it happen to you. just that look on that person's face what i mean is unless someone's fallen asleep in ur arms or vise versa. but i can remember that look. it is soo sweet. when they are in totally peace. and they sleep, thinking that you are safe in their arms and nothing can e wuz soo sweet when u slept. hahaha=>:D twice at ur old house, it wuz sweet enuff to last a lyphe time. u became angry at me when i looked at you when u fell asleep on the bus and i wuz staring at you. sighs sighs. i can't help it. it shocked me, but i suppose no one likes people staring at them. then it surprised meh even more when on the bus u told me to shut up because u wanted to ease drop on what someone was saying. yeah, at that time, i had no clue. i wuz still the happiest gurl alive, could you not see that? by just being there, u kept meh being the happiest gurl. did you haveta drop me soo suddenly? why? why? why?!?!?!? why did you leave meh in critical care like that? why did you haveta do dat? sighs sighs. maybe i wuz just blind. now, u left meh even worst then when i first begun. at least before you, i didn't care much accept what i wanted, now i want everything and accept everything. what have leaving meh done to me? what i have done to myself? arg!!!! i am digusted at myself. arg!! sighs sighs

am i that bad of a person that people like to repell me? yes, i'd admit, lately, i've been zoning out. i've been purposely leaving my mind elsewhere. yes, i want to be where my body is yes, but i just can't help it. with the people around meh, i still leave and just zone elsewhere. sighs sighs. people have been noticing i do that alot too. i'm tempted to just leave everyone and hide in the corner, but the thing with that is that it would never be possible, i like to talk too much. i don't talk about ur bad stuff, but my stupid stories. i like to give a stupid laugh to people. hahaha=>:d plus, most of my stories about myself are real to begin with. cause i always embarass myself, but i'm fine with it, i like to laugh at myself too. yupz yupz...

hehehehe=>:d bessie, i dunno if you even bother reading my thoughts, but weren't my embarrassing stories soo stupid, but funnay? hehehe=.:D i dun think i've eva told any one soo many stupid stories of what i've done before. hahaha=>:D i've been telling people stupid stories all days. sighs sighs. maybe i'm da person who always does stupid stuff, but fine

the longer the days go on, the further i seem to get from the ending point of the race. sighs sighs. i find no companion to run with, and i will finish the race alone. sighs sighs, my friend are still there, yes, in front, or behind, but no one is running with me, beside me. sighs sighs. oh wellz. there are actually tons, just that those people that i've neva met. so yes.....i'm lost in a big crowd at the beginning race of the marathon. sighs sighs. when will i find the person who will run with and beside me for the rest of my lyphe? sighs sighs.

sighs.....jean, ur rite. i still like him alot. i don't know if this is what i can call like though. i still love him. yeah, i got hurt. i got burnt. sighs....will i ever learn to love again? or shall i always love him as if he was my only one? sighs sighs. yeah, people think i'm depressing, sum think i'm stupid, sum people just say move on. hey, if you ain't meh, then don't u even bother to tell me to move on. i noe i should, u think i don't want to? i will never let go, don't u even bother to tell meh to let go. because my memories will always come bak. letting go only hurts me more. living with pain numbs that feeling somehow. but yes, it does still hurt no matta how much i don't want it to hurt. so yeah...

i want you to know what i love you. it doesn't matter who is reading this, if i noe you, then i love you. love is always the same thing. there is no classifications for it. i can love a friend, and a lover, but in a different way, but both called love. love is only one sort, love is love. love is what is found in corinthians.

hahaha=>:d everyone's saying the same thing. hahaha=>:D we look like a couple. hahahhaa=>:d it's just a joke? or is it? hm......whateva....u will always be my friend. dat's da only way i'd ever want it to be.
hahaha=>:D don't wollie....sabby ain't falling for meh, unless ur falling for me. hahaha=>:D which is not possible. well at least what i think. i could be wrong. hahahaha=>:D my mandarin ain't tooo bad. hehehehe=>:d whateva doe.

yupz yupz....hehehe=>:D well dat's all i have to say la. nothing muchie. hahhaa=>:D it's alritez.

my msn nickie at the present moment says dis. ai bu wan. wo yi jing bu shi tai kuai le. tai yang bu shi tai liang. tian shang mei you gei wo qing tian. wo mei you xiao yong.

sighs sighs. every bit of that is true, if you can read and understand n e of it. sighs sighs. everynite, i break down and cry. my eyes dun stop the tears streaming down my eyes. and if they ain't streaming down my eyes, they'd been flooding my heart. sighs sighs.

u noe what would be the perfect gift? no, it's not sumone's heart. yes, it would be sweet. but what i would want would be actions to show that that person's heart belongs to you. yes. i'm just a lil kid with romatic fantasies that would never happen. u remember that movie a walk to rememba? i have my own list of things i would like to do before i die. hahaha=>:d and dey are all very sweet if you ask me. soo impossible because normally people dun like to do dat kinda stuff.

GOD is supposed to fill this emptiness i feel within myself. GOD should have been able to heal me, or have i not allowed him to? GOD should be my strength, my hope, my lyphe, my all in all. is he? it's easy to say you follow him, but to actually live as if you are walking with JESUS is hard. don't be hypocritical when u tell someone to follow him. unless u try harder and harder, den well everytime u say it, it should be a reminder to you more than to the person u are telling it to.

hm.....i have no clue. maybe it's just late and i haven't been getting enuff sleep. but whateva it may be.....i dunno wuz getting into meh. u can call me desparate, but whateva. i dun care. sighs. the truth is, i care about everything, i'm sensitive, but yet very cruel at the same time. sighs sighs

yeah yeah!!!! singing nite wuz a success!!! yeah yeah. i still can't hear my voice singing doe. i dunno which one is mine. does n e one wanna listen to it with meh and tell meh who it is ma? yupz yupz. hehehe=>:d i suppose dreams can come true, even if i'm not famous, at least the glory goes bak to GOD and i can still be famous within my church. hehehe=.:D yupz yupz. i dunno how i sound, do i sound n e good? hehehe=>:D well, i wuz dissappointed that not many people showed up, but i suppose dere wuz a meaning behind it. yeah, i wuz really dissappointed, but it's alritez. i've gotten over it.

yeah yeah, i don't even noe why i wuz sooo disappointed, i just noe i wuz. yeah. i suppose it's cause skool's starting, and i know that i will not spend as much time elsewhere this year. even though i have quite easy classes both semesters, i still haveta work hard. i must get nineties this year, because my goal is so. yes, i may not succeed, but does it really matter? as long as i tried my best, my all. i have promised myself that i would not go out unless i really felt like i needed a break from skool. i set my goals high knowing that i will not succeed, but i want to see how far i may go with my effort. have i not told you that i have never tried in my lyphe? the only thing i ever tried for was for personal relations. maybe that's why i'm always sad. i see that i will never be able to succeed in fulfilling the needs/wants of a friend in need. and i feel utterally lost. maybe i try to hard, and things just never go my way, it's just sumthing i haveta learn that lyphe will never go my way. but, i must tell you, every thing i've ever wanted, i got. i will never want you bak, don't worry about that. u will be nothing to me accept an aquaintance, and i noe the person i'm saying this to ain't gonna even read dis. so it makes no diff. yes, i will always love you the way i loved you from that first time i met you. yeah, u can say love at first sight, but maybe what i saw in you wasn't how funny u were. it wuzn't how nice u were. it wuzn't how fun u were to be around. what i saw wuz much diff. yeah, i wuz ur first. i don't care. normally first boyfriends or girlfriends don't last. only reason being because u dun understand or know how to treat or not to treat. u can only pretend that you do.

i don't know what to say. a part of me will always long for you bak, but i will never take you bak no matta how much i want you bak. i noe it's not meant to be and it will only end up in tears as it did the very first time. u will never ask for me bak. the most precious thing a girl can give away is her heart. once someone has taken it away, it's not sumthing that gurl can ever get bak. i don't tend to take bak my broken heart from you, u can keep it. i'll just let GOD do his job in healing the rip u caused. u didn't see what i saw in you. maybe i saw sumthing that u can never possibly find. maybe you don't even want to see what i can see. i don't care, but i care all at the same time. i gave you my heart, and u became afraid because my heart wuz too great for you. one day, GOD will give me someone who will be able to handle my heart. somone who sees what i see in him. someone good enough for anyones heart. he will be the only prince, and i, his only princess. GOD'll grant me someone'll who'll lead, but will follow all at the same time. i long for that day.

gar!!!!! i hate music!!!!! i wanna kill myself!!! grrr......
i've neva felt sooo shitty in a morning before. arg!!!! dis is a piece of shit. maybe it's just bak to skool denial or like shit like dat. arg.....but i feel soo much stress. gar....i just wanna arg!!!! by the time n e of you read dis, i'd be in sq1. yupz yupz, dun wollie bout meh, i'm fine. hehehe=>:D well bak to dat think about i hate music, i dun ate music, i just so happen to hate da music i'm listening to. japanesse, korean, mandarin, cantonese, english. i dun like n e of it. at the present moment, i hate jay chou music. it's sooo like similar to every other song he has!!!! gar!!!!! da only song i like is like sunnay day at the present day. well maybe i'm unastable. very unstable. will this constant change in attitude alway continue? i didn't slip, i take dives. sighs sighs.

yeah, all my thoughts are very long. i'm sorry about that. there just seems to be no other way to clear up most of my mind before i sleep n e more. it is not possible to call people and talk about my troubles everytime i have needs to talk to people. yes, people say they'll be there for meh, but i noe it's not true. u will not be there everytime because u either get fed up or u just plain think i'm annoying. maybe both, i do not know.

if i didn't care so much about everything, maybe i would be betta, i wouldn't be so unhappy all the time. i don't even noe why i feel this way, i just know i do. i want to sleep tonite, but there's just sumthing i haveta say before i do. i just dunno what it is. i'll just rack my brain of everything i have and then that'll just fix everything. sighs sighs....

one day, i will be a person locked up in a room with nothing to do except sitting there like a nut. at that time, i would be a nut. i can say, that really, i feel as if i dun die early, i'll just age very quickly, or i'll be sent to an asylum for intense depression disorder. i will not take drugs. i do not want to get addicted. so i would rather be depressed and blind to the world then to be distorted and "better" in the eyes of other people. i will not tolerate it.

if i had enuff tears to have cried an ocean, would i? if i had enuff heat to evaporate the sea, would i? if i had enuff strength to move the mountain, would i? would i cry those tears, would i dry that sea, would i move that mountain? could i cry the ocean, could i evaporate the sea, could i move the mountain? do i want to cry an ocean? do i want to evaporate the sea? do i want to move that mountain? i do not know. i wish i did, but i cannot help it. sihs sighs. i'm tired. gonna go sleep now....all the thoughts that i could possibly have today....so yeah...i'm sleeping now....good morning......

hope i dun get hit by a car crossing the street tom because of my tiredness.....well....l8a people.....

sighs.....

another person who's fallen into satan's trap. i've never seen a person so introverted that they are soo shy that they are unwilling to say hi to the crowd who is in front of them. as i said to jean, i've met intoverted people. i've met extroverted people. i've met sad people. i've met angry people. but i just never met a guy that wuz so introverted, so shy, so depressed and so angry before. maybe that person reminds meh of me from time to time. maybe that person even reminds you of you too. i noe at least i used to be that person. but the thing that causes meh to be a bit better above that crowd of depressed freaks is the fact that i'm willing to talk about it. even if it's just an online journal, at least it let's meh release my thoughts somehow.

people say i hide myself now. maybe those that i used to tell everything to. when u find the friend who is most compatible with you, you won't need to hide n e thing. and maybe if i hide and not tell you, it's because you aren't as compatible as we once thought our friendship wuz. yes, we will be close, we will always be close, but it's not sensationsal? i'm not talking to regular readers of these thoughts, i'm talking to those who randomly come on and read em once every few months or so. yes, we can be close friends, but i could not possibly tell you everything. there are just some things people don't wanna hear. no one wanna hear about those stupid sad times that people have once in a while, in my case, every two weeks or so. sighs sighs. one saying that i will remember for lyphe...."you can satisfy one person, but that doesn't mean u can satisfy everyone in the world." i dunno where i heard it, i dunno who said it in my lyphe time, but i just rememba it so well.

i can't possibly be there for everyone every day, every time. i haven't been here for myself to rely on. how could n e one possibly rely on me? i want people to rely on me, but is it possible. yeah, i can't find better words than rely and possible/possibly. those words at the present moment are very important for meh. maybe i caused myself to fall into thise already dug up pit for myself. i've just caused more road along the already narrow and winding, long path that i must take. sighs.

people say you can't love someone else till you love yourself. it's actually very true. if you do not respect or care for yourself, how do you think it's possible to love someone who isn't urself? sighs sighs. i must first love to love those who are very close to me before i will ever possibly be able to love n e one else. that's just da way goes.

well, here goes everything.

i had fun at the mall. yes...i suppose i did. as i always do, but i never noe what happens. sighs sigh. i used to enjoy shopping, but wuz wrong with meh, dere is definately sumthing wrong with meh if i dun even like shopping. sighs sighs. well, as i look at it now, as it is nite time, i notice a few things. one, i shouldn't have went to the movies. i shall never go to the movies again. watching movies in the movie theatres make meh feel sick. i dunno, but every time i watch movies in the movie theatres, i get a very bad headache, it's more of a migraine. sighs. u know how a migraine is like rite? well think of that feeling, but the only thing different, it only happens with meh with loud noises and big flashy lights. yeah, that's why i don't watch movies when it's dark. so it doesn't seem as brite. yeah, that way, it dun hurt my mind as much. it's scary, once i told the doctors these symptoms, he wuz afraid for meh. he told meh to take the menengitis shot or whatever. sighs sighs. told meh to eat more vitamins do more exercise. yeah, i can say i'm quite inactive, but i am not not fit.

secondly, i dunno why, but i felt bad. it's not like brian didn't seem to have a bad time. maybe it's just me that i like to make everyone feel perfectly fine, which he prolly wuz, maybe it's just gonna be meh. i just felt plain bad. i dunno....i made him walk/ run all da way bak across streets... sighs sighs. yeah yeah...it wuz great to like see ya again...for maybe da last time before skool starts again. cause i prolly wun eva be able to leave da house again till like a long weekend or christmas or march break la. i will just haveta wait...

thirdly, i just feel as if i don't fit it. it used to never be this way, i just feel plain outta place everywhere now. maybe i'm wanting too much. maybe my parents are rite, i have always acted as if the world has always owed me sumthing. maybe they weren't wrong. sighs.

yeah, i started crying on the way to da plaza to drop off brian. yeah, i started crying. i dunno what happened, but suddenly all this sadness came to me. thoughts that i haven't thought for ages came back to my mind. is there sumthing wrong with me? i enjoy company, but is it really all that good for me? maybe one thought that caused me to start crying wuz this thought. GOD doesn't like chaos, but why are all my thoughts in chaos? why can i not think straight? that thought put tear after tear in my eyes. i dunno what went wrong, but sumthing snapped today. sumthing i don't wanna see happen again, but i noe i will.

hahaha=.:D my friend and i are discussing sum things. hahaha=>:d i got fired....yes...outta dat hell hole!!! yes yes.....oh wellz. it wuzn't my fault dat well.....i wuzn't home all da time.....it just soo happened dat every time dey did call...i wuz gone..

soo funnay.....oh wellz...got fired....i'll just find another job....timmy's??? hm.....with a smile or two....who wouldn't wanna buy timmy's stuff???? i will neva work in a fast food chain.....believe....even if da last job opening wuz for mc donalds......so yeah.....

i dunno.....who would want meh to work for em? i would like to work in retail, but well, can i is da problem.

yo...wann hear my semester out??? i like it....but people hate it....i took alot of like stupid courses according to them...

first semester
guidance and peer support
tourism
chem
lunch
english

second semester
law
math
pysics
lunch
spare!!!

yeah yeah,......love my semester.....soo happy.....oh wellz...

hehehehe=>:D well i haveta set up my pc for benny gor gor to fix....so yeah.......grrr......my sista ain't awake yet...so yeah.....hm...well i'll be going....

hold me tite. don't let go. let this moment be.

i seem to have a knack for stupid things. sighs sighs. i dun even noe if i should have a full weekend n e more. should i be having soo much fun before my last days before skool? sighs sighs. i'll always have weekends. lyphe will never end. if it were, den this world would be in chaos. as it is in sum parts of the world. sighs sighs. at times, i really could picture the world being at both extremes at the end of the world. but one things for sure, it will most definately lean towards chaos. why? because the bible tells us so. yes, sum things in the bible are very metephorical, but some things, are not so. some things are very direct.

yeah, i preach. if you have a problem, then well, u have a problem, i can't help you fix that. i'm rude? well, i choose to be that way? u have a problem? well u either a, don't accept much in you lyphe, or b, u can't get over the fact that i'm me and you are you. there's nothing more i can say. i must sleep now since i have only about 5 to 6 hours of sleep max. well i really should sleep now. good nite....i will have to call ken in the morning. goodie. well l8a everyone.. not many people read my thoughts to begin with. sooo funnay. ehhehe=>:D well good nite. hm....i can only list you about a handful that do read it on certain occasions when they are bored or just nosy, or just plain into reading my stupid thoughts. man, am i the only one who shall be obsessed with reading on line thoughts of people? maybe i'm just nosy. hehehe=>:d i like to snoop. but i don't often tell. so yeah. i can't say never, because i have told stuff before in my lyphe, while i wuz young.

there is much i have learnt, there is more i shall learn, and an infinity more i shall never be able to learn. well those that i may learn and remember, i will face head on, as a coward, stubborn or brave person...whatever. i don't care. but in fact, that statement is a lie. it shall forever be a lie. the more you care less, the more i shall always hurt, why? because i can only care more. if only i could show how i cared to my family. yeah, but my family don't come to me like my friends. my family are almost like strangers, accept that i live with them, eat with them, and talk to them every so often. what kinda family lyphe do i have? i have almost zip to none. sighs sighs. i envy you who can talk to your parents without it being an arguement. i very much envy you. i will never have that image with my family as the picture perfect family. yeah, it may look so at many times when we are out, but it's just not possible. there are wars within everyone's being.

lyphe moves on, so shall i, good morning to you all.....i'm sleeping now....

yeah yeah...finally.....i have my lyrics in ping ying form!!! yeah yeah....!!!!soo happy....now i can finally sing along to songs dat i dun really like and dose dat i enjoy hearing....muhahaha=.:D

meh soo funnay leh????

muhahha=>:D soo hypa....can't get ova it.....

let's see.....thrilled dat we're going out tomorrow....hehehe=>:D can't wait....hehehe=>:D gonna teach ur mommy how to knit my style....hehehe=>:D yeah......feeling proud? yeah i am....hehehe=>:D ur parents love meh? aw....dat's sooo flattering.....hehehe=>:D dat's soo sweet....hehehehe:D:P yupz yupz. well winston came bak!!! yayay!!!! hehehe=>:D i dun think he'll read my thoughts. hehehe=>:D but if he does....yayay!!! just noe dis....i'm happy ur bak....hehehe=>:D missed not talking to ya on line at normal times.....hehehehe=>:d yupz yupz. hehehe=>:D i'm ecstatic as u can see.....hehehe=>:D meh happy???? of course i am!!! hehehe=>:D

firstly, i am waiting for tom to come, so i'll stay on for dose five mins more. hehehe=>:D afta tom, i'll have a full set of fun for da past like whole weekend!!! yeah yeah....totally cannot wait.....den guess what??? i'll get to meet pat's parents....sooo amazing....hehehe=>:D yeah.....let's see....so far my weekened plans....thurs....at sq1....fri.....going to eat dim sum with like yanny and crew....hehehe=>:D den well i have sat....going to pmall???? yo bri boi....u still owe meh dat trip to pmall....and i noe u rememba....hehehe=>:D cause well....dis week...i've mentioned it twice....hehehe=>:D a nice thrill during skool....hehehe=>:d unless it's during exams. hehehe=.:D well....gotsta wait for winston to come bak on. hehehe=.:D but maybe he forgot about meh......booo whoooo.....no fair...*:'(* well he's unpacking....no big deal...
it's alritez...hehehe=.:d i'll talk to him tom.....pluz he prolly has jet lag....but whateva....not everyone has it. yupz yupz. hehehe=>:d meh a lil giddy gurl at da present moment. yupz yupz.....

well here in detail how my day goes for tom....besides all dat personal stuff
1) wake up, get off bed at 8
2) wait for benny to come ova to fix sista's pc at 9
3) at 10nish, gotsta go to bri boi's house....
4) round 11nish, i will be at bri boi's, talking to his mommy, chilling, having quality time with sumone else's family
5) suppose still at bri's and knitting???
6) going to go....take bussie to sq1?
7) dunno what time it is now, but i'll either be window shopping or waiting for church peeps in front of cineplex for dat movie at 3:25. yeah...seabuscuit. is dat n e good?
8) either going to pat's, bri's, or home. may end up going to do sum more window shopping for the sake of patty boi....he deserves it after his long hard semesters of studying!!!
9) at home sleeping......

well folks? dat's my day la....hehehe=>:d interesting??? nah nah...not really....quite boring if ya ask meh, at least i'm outta my house spending quality time with people i see a bit too much of ova da summa or not enuff of. but heck, i can neva get sick of company, i love friends, and i love strangers, but it really depends if you treat meh well. hehehe=>:D

i can't say i ain't pissed off now. but i can't say i am completely not pissed off either. people don't wanna watch a movie, so i won't. i'll just go window shopping. yes, window shopping.....but i'll end up like buying sumthing....i always do la.....hehehe=>:D people just wanna be with each other and chill out. so i suppose we can sit around looking like bums. hahaha=>:d nice thought aye? sighs.....i hate dis. we can still have nice times in during the weekend, but really....i noe i wun. i will be da depressed peice of crap that no one wants to be around with because i'm always stressed out. i am just not a skool person. or maybe should i say, i can't take stress very well.

yeah.....i wuz pissed of yesterday.....extremely pissed off. yeah.... i wun lie....u wanna noe why??? just family problems......yeah......i hate family problems......

i hate family problems. everything always gets twisted and everything is always my fault. grrr....always. i will never be good enuff. yeah....lyphe is but a duty. a duty to pleaze everyone. sighs sighs. u must find ways to communicate. u must find ways to keep everyone happy. sighs sighs. what a pointless duty. sighs sighs. lyphe is but a duty one must complete. sighs sighs.

i just wanna cry and drown myself in my own bitter tears. sighs sighs. no one'll ever let meh do dat, but i would be unwilling to swim in my salty tears, maybe i'd just float cause dey are salty? hehehe=>:d i dunno......sighs....

i just notice dat i am very miserable to my family. i just always ask em for money and never want n e thing more to do with them. sighs sighs. i will never be close to them. sighs sighs....but in dis world, dere is no definate answer, ur no will be turned to a yes and ur yes into a no very quickly. sighs sighs. wish i'd just die, but dat's da funniest thing. da more u wanna die, da more you wun. oh wellz....i'll enjoy tonite....whateva i have left...

sighs. i am that spoiled little brat that i really didn't want to become. sighs sighs. i always get what i want and i can't understand why people won't leave me be. sighs sighs. mabye i'm not made to be a human with human emotions and a human body. maybe i shoulda been dust all my lyphe. sighs.

why such a bad day? why? why does my sista not think that i treat her as my sister? maybe it's just the way i am, i will forever be close to my friends and myself before i'll ever get close to my family. i'd rather tell my friends n e thing before i'd tell my parents. that's just the way i am. i've never had that bond, and i am not willing to try for it. why? because i'm afraid, because it hurts too much to try. yeah, my parents to be sooo far away. even when i ask a simple yes or no question, it takes them forever to answer meh and get to the point. yeah, it's like dis for alot of people, but i don't think you people understand how bad it is da way it is now. maybe i should just drink sum bleach and end up in hell. sighs, GOD is my strength, he is my protector, he is my LORD, MY EVERYTHING. i'm falling apart once more.

i will always be that piece of trash that causes every problem. it's all my fault. can't people just let me take out my anger by myself? my own way? i suppose my family doesn't understand me as much as they thought they did. my family is always angry, they can yell at you for no apparent reason. yeah, it's just like dat. everyone in my family is a moody person. me? i am no different.

yeah, i'm a miserable person. maybe i do cause alot of the problems. i make our family name a disgrace. yeah yeah...blah blah. it is my fault. but yet people would tell meh differently. this day has been a horrible day. i'm pissed off.

well....tonight if i'm hungry, i'll just drink water then. so it's alritez. maybe i'll just sleep early tonite. maybe dat's all i lack, a good nite sleep.

yeah, i don't care for my sister, rubbish. yeah, my friends walk at the mall with me, my sister, she doesn't walk with me. yeah. when my friends walk with me at the malls, yet she despises the mall. i hate tennis. i hate running, we have nothing in common. the only thing in common we have is blood. walking around the neighborhood i only like doing that by myself. but no one understand that. yeah. everyone in my family likes to explode. we're all ticking time bombs waiting to explode. sighs sighs.

to my family, i'll always just be this annoying little speck that never does n e thing rite. it will always be my fault that sumone becomes angry. yeah, just because my sister's angry at meh, that's fine, but i can't be mad at n e one? oh yeah. great fair world. yeah. maybe i treat the world as if the world owes me something, u wanna noe what? it does. all i've ever gotten from n e one is trash. trash, trash, trash. yeah, i'm the "cold" one in the family. i'm always the one that's moody. i'm always the one upset. oh? u think i like feeling this way. well they can all just well kiss my ass if so. yeah, it's cruel. guess what? the world that GOD created that wuz soo good to begin with ain't so good n e more. yeah, they want me to see something? well guess what? just because their older doesn't mean that they do know more, yes they can, but it doesn't mean i haven't seen it or heard it before. yeah, i'm angry. now i have more people on my list of anger. yeah. i'm not the one that's able to raise my voice just a semitone higher. yeah, the world does owe meh, it owes meh alot. yeah, but i'm a sinner, i don't deserve n e thing, and everything i get is GOD given, yeah....all that stuff i've been fed since almost my first memory. well at least two years afta my first memory. i'm a miserable person? so what? like u aren't? yeah yeah, no ones perfect, blah blah......i don't need to hear n e of the shit n e of you people have to say at the present moment. i just wanna run away....but luckily, i'm not pissed to insanity yet.....i can still be quite sane now. yeah...is it my fault my sister thinks she's fat? is it my fault that i like to go shopping and not walk around the neighborhood with my sister? is it my fault that i don't like this safe comfortable neighborhood i'm in? is it my fault that i can't move out and live on my own? is it my fault that i'm just me?

yeah, everyone of you is trash, believe it or not, u were all made from dust, and to dust u shall return. what is dust to you? dat stuff dat gets stuck on da bottom of ur shoes, u wash it off because it irritates you. yeah...that's what dust is, and in terms of that, u are that annoying irratable microscopic peices of crap. yeah.....bad day. i dunno wha da hell is wrong with my family at the present moment, but i will not apologize, even if they think i did sumthing wrong. they can force it outta meh, it'll mean nothing. yeah......

my dad's angry now, more frustrated then anything. my mom's always frustrated and hating everything she hasta do, but she still enjoys doing it. my sista, maybe i follow after her, dat lil annoying moody lil gurl. i ain't perfect, i noe i aint. but i hate those that make meh sound even more worthless than i already am. i also don't like dose dat make meh sound more righteous then everyone else. i can't accept compliments. i can't accept complaints. i see it for myself.

my dad's going insane now. but i really am in no mood to eat now. i'm pissed beyond believe, but my daddy'll prolly come down and yell at meh if i don't go up.

okayz, now i'm pissed. i've finally figured it out. i'm pissed, just in a very civil way. with who, i noe exactly who. why? i noe exactly why. should i tell you? i'd rather not, some things should never be kept to self, but this, i still won't, i just won't tell ya.

man, i can't say it's all my fault, but i can't say it's not. my sista's having her lil moody fits, and she's pissing meh off. she's going through stress and after all these years, she still doesn't know how to handle it. she's still mad at me because i wuz unwilling to take a walk with her. walking, i only enjoy with my friends or by myself, i do not like walking and talking much to family when i go on "family walks." when i do go on family walks, maybe my pace is too quick or sumthing, but i'm always ahead of em by like miles. i dunno, maybe it because i really dun give muchie bout my sista's moody fits n e more or sumthing, but i seem to not be as angry n e more. at least, i can't stay angry at her stupid moody swings as long as i used to stay. i could choose be angry at her, only finding it is foolish and stupid. but yet she won't let go that i wouldn't walk with her? man, she's a bit childish don't u think? sighs sighs. only i can talk about my sister this way, but i will still always love her and respect her as the person she is. so any one have n e thing bad to say about my sister, u'd betta watch out. even if i do not do n e thing when i hear it, but ur judgement is in heaven.

i don't feel much different, but to some, i've grown soo much older than my age. have i? am i? maybe i don't handle stress very well either. will you hate meh if i changed too much? would u hate meh if i ignored you for a while? would u hate meh when i become too stressed and depressed? would u hate meh for just the way i am? in a world filled with hate, how do you think it's possible to find love? love is everywhere, in such small amounts that it takes way more effort to see it.

have u ever had the feeling where someone is literally giving you a hug, but u see no arms around you? have u ever felt that way before? well i have. u may think it's scary, but at times when i feel like i need hugs, mentally, that feeling comes bak. it just feels extremely comforting. but i suppose, that feeling with real arms that you can see wrapped around you would feel even more comforting. sighs. i don't know what i am. am i anxious, am i excited, am i depressed, or am i happy or angry? i don't know. i hate feelings, but i can't hate them. i love feelings, but they just create so much chaos. sighs. hope all goes well. sighs sighs. l8a

yeah, when skool starts, i'll prolly come here even more often. just to at least to complain about how shabby and crappy skool lyphe is. i don't know. the years fly by so fast, just like every other year. soon enuff, i will be old, sitting in a chair not being able to do any thing for myself. i already see that old lady within myself. not acknowledging n e thing around meh, just seeing it as it goes by. u wish to do sumthing, but unable to because u can't stand, u can't sit still, u can't hold ur hands without shaking. all those signs of old age. how i wish to be that little girl, but do i really? i don't think i need to tell you all about that stuff n e more, it wuz horrible enuff.

well, many people i noe will be going to some skool that is close enuff to home to go bak, and i am no different, i just wished dat my fave university wuzn't so close to home. yeah, my ultimate u is mac. but i have no choice, with my grades as dey stand now, i won't make it to n e university. sighs....in grade 10 and i didn't even make it to the honour roll, it's gonna be no different in grade 11. sighs sighs. i only got a 78 in biology, so what should i say? i will not do that great in n e other science course. sighs. english, only an 81......a drop of four percent from grade nine, maybe i should work harder. yes, in fact, i need to. sighs. yes.....i must no matter how hard it is. i must self motivate myself. is that possible? i hope u'll be dere to encourage meh to do betta, i noe as GOD noes dat i can do betta, but i dun try my best. sighs.

well maybe it's because i've never been a really happy person, but i've always wanted time to proceed and go forward. even when i wuz enjoying da moment, i only wished to have more moments like dat, never da same one. i don't need to give you an example do i? i think you all know what my happy moments were, with whom, how and where u all know....or at least can guess at. hehehe=>:D but my time will not be spent dat way, and i should no longer yearn for moments like those. but i can't help it. it's everyone dreams to be held or to hold. it's everyone's dream to love and be loved, yeah, u can love ur family and friends, it's just not the same. having sumone to complete you as what many people would say is actually a really good term for this feeling. yes, but all feelings disappear over time. not all feelings last. some, based on choices can. no matter how hurt u become because of this feeling/choice, u will never regret it and only wish to have more moments, not the same. maybe it's just meh, maybe it isn't, but i really don't care a whole lote at the present moment, i'm just pissed off.

seeing the bigger picture doesn't require much of anything, but at the same time, it takes alot of perseverance. u might not want to see how the image is still distorted in the form it is. u will never be able to see the entire image, only GOD can, but what u see are like puzzle pieces being put together rite before your eyes. maybe i'm wrong, but that's the way i see it.

hey hey hey hey everybody, wuz up? hehehehe=>:d i'm bored, but den again, i always am. yupz yupz.....talking about nothing to no one rite now. hehehe=>:D everyone's eitha having like din din or like just watching or gaming stuff. hehehe=>:D so yes, whateva, it's all kool. meh sooo bored. well everybody, dat's all my thoughts at the present moment. i'm feeling kinda happy. hehehe=>:D well gonna go now....l8a

some people ask why i should care about the homosexual thing, just because i ain't a homosexual.......it means alot if you are or not. but i won't post what i believe on the homosexual matter, because then i would be inflicting too much upon those i shouldn't cross. i would be misusing my own rites and putting down homosexuals. i value homosexuals....maybe for the way that they believe and put into action and show the world for what they believe. i truly see this as a good point, but i see a lot of bad points too, but everyone has their flaws.

don't ask meh if i think it's wrong or rite....because if you know meh well....u wouldn't need to ask....unless u were unsure for yourself den ask and i can provide and answer for you. well just read romans and dere would be my answer.....dat's totally all my thougths for now....

entries soo short, maybe it's better this way.....so then u can't know meh as well as u want to. sighs sighs. some days, i feel as if i should just never come bad, but i just find this pointless, u will always need shelter and protection, it's just in our nature. the words to dat bedingfield song is very appropriate for for the feelings that i almost always feel. "i don't wanna run away, but i can't take it, i don't understand."

to keep you happy, i don't haveta be happy, just show a happy face to you. how difficult is that? i say, not very difficult at all. but now adays, the difficulty of the matter goes beyond meh, i cannot look happy simply because my unhappiness is just too great to bear now days. one may wish to have days like old, but i just wish dat sum days should have never came. maybe i cause more trouble for myself....maybe i do....maybe it's supposed to be dat way.

everything is just a state of mind. well u mite not understand where i'm coming from or where i'm going to with this thought, but i dun intend to tell you what and why and where. some things just ain't meant to be understood by everyone.

well dat's all i have for the nite.....

ping an.....

maybe it's my paranoia....but i dunno....i hate this feeling of loneliness. as days progress, i feel as if this empty void grows larger. that shouldn't be the case but maybe it's just meh....sighs sighs....

hm....well here....dis is sumthing i may haveta get off my chest....cause i feel very very bad......

sunday skool, why can't the teacher give meh sum other teachings? why have i heard em all? why do i understand em all? why have i faced a trial almost similar to the results of which dey said dey went through? it bugs meh. yeah. these experiences are coming from a man that is close to his 50's....or even early 50's......but yet.....everything he took years to conquer over, i went through in a matter of days, weeks, or months. but da only thing dat i have trouble with is person.

sighs sighs. yeah....that thinking about death wishes kinda surprised meh. yeah yeah....let da dead worry about emselves and all, but really it can't be helped....i'm going to be the dead person, i'm preparing for da dead since i am da dead person.

maybe i shouldn't know....yeah.....person dat taught sunday skool wanted meh to ask a question about my faith.....but really.....i couldn't even think of a single one. but yet....every single one dat he asked....i could answer....wuz wrong with meh? grrrr......going insane...well kinda.....

don't u eva forget dat promise of going to p-mall with meh ar! i am still looking forward to it, even doe i dunno when it is! hehehe=>:D so yeah....it's a happy thought. hehehe=>:D sumthing dat i think alot about.....since i normally only go once a year....and dis year.....i just went.....hahaha=>:D sooo funnay....hehehe=>:D

well hehehe=>:d i noe u will rememba.....hehehe=>:D

yeah......hm....i just ain't feeling too hot. i dunno wuz wrong, but haven't i told you dat churchie always puts me down?

yeah. dat's all i need to tell you. well yeah. i'm don't really wanna write out all my thoughts for da nite, so good nite for now, l8a

this is the chinese ping ying for the song. this is for however needs it.

xun zhao

wo ceng jing xiang yi zhi xiao xiao fei niao,
fei yue zai zhe lan tian hai shang.
wo wu shi wu ke pang huang wu zhu,
zhao bu dao ke yi qing su.
wo ceng jing xiang yi zhi xiao xiao fei niao,
chuan suo zai zhe cheng shi zhi zong.
wo zheng zai xun zhao na ci ai shuang shou,
na jiu shi zhu ye su.
zhu a!
wo yao hui dao ni shen pang,
wo yao hui dao ni shen pang.
na ci ai shuan shou zheng deng zhe wo,
lai yong ju wo.
zhu a!
wo yao hui dao ni shen pang,
wo yao hui dao ni shen pang.
na ci ai shuang shou lai yong ju wo,
na jiu she zhu ye su.

yupz.....music night is on the 29th, our church hopes you will come. most of the songs we'll be hearing are chinese though. the youth group will sing english songs. our church is located in the meadowvale area. if you are nearby on the 29th, hey comeon by and listen to us k? hehehehe=>:D our churchie, is......2720 gananoque drive, intersections are egh....dun ask meh, i dunno....program starts at 7:30....

dunno wuz wrong, but i seem to like to think. i seem to have memories that never seem to subside, but yet i do not allow those memories to conquer over the being of which i am. it's funny how things work out. yeah, it still pains me to see things which can no longer be mine. maybe i'm just foolish, wanting something i cannot have, but the LORD said to not covet. in a sense, everyone is greedy, i've finally learnt the meaning of the saying, "you do not ever know what you have till finally, u loose it." some things you loose cannot be found. some things you want, u cannot have. by loosing something, you should be proud to have had it, you should be thankful that you had it, you should be thankful that you no longer have it. it's hard to come by the same thing twice, and if you are destined to meet it again, then it was meant to be. i really believe in fate, i believe in destiny. you can ask me why i'm so cruel as a christian to believe in fate, but the true fact is, there is a destiny, there is a fate, especially for christians. this is just the way i see it okay? you can ask more if i am not clear enough.

this is what i mean when everyone has a destiny and there is fate. to me, fate is just an outcome of destiny, but maybe it's different for everyone. here, GOD has a plan for everyone. this plan for every single person is what i call destiny. for example, it is fate when two people are destined for each other, their paths were meant to be intertwined. in this path, GOD has set out every choice that you will make, hoping that you will make the better choice, the more correct choice, but he knows you well. the greatest power GOD gave man was the power of choice; this choice comes great responsibilities. as a christian, our fate will be going to heaven, and all those who are with the devil will go to the eternal flames of hell. a plan is simply a plan, but being lived out by each individual is what i call destiny. i can be wrong, but these are just my opinions.

don't i sound like a stupid little sixteen year old now? well no one's stupid because a person calls another person stupid and that other person calls the person who called him stupid, stupid bak. life is a cycle. it is said, "what goes around comes around." there is an extention to that phrase and it goes like this, "...and if someone has got bitten in the ass, don't worry, u'll be bitten too." yes, that's all the thoughts i have for only sleeping about 7 hours. yes. don't worry, i'm still healthy, i just had to finish up my ping ying thing for the music we were going to sing on the 29th.

i do not need to know who exactly reads my toughts. i don't wanna know who does read it. you might ask why, but maybe sometimes it's better to not know than to know. not all thoughts should be posted, but i post most of mine up anyways. well there are still thoughts that you have to keep inside. that's just what privacy and personal stuff is. while reading these thoughts, it can only give you half of image of who i am. u have never met me to know meh for yourself. but if you have met me, then maybe you do.

my thoughts portray an image of a side that i rarely show. yeah, maybe in person i display that i am sad or mad, but rarely to beyond the point that i go insane. maybe i'm calmer when people are around. maybe i need that physical support that people so often think i'm strong enought without. GOD should be enough to satisfy my every need, my every request. not eveything shall go my way. i supoose that's just how things work, u have to be satisfied with one then another. but am i satisfied with myself? maybe that's the hardest thing to be satisfied about. only you and GOD can actually know who you truly are. since you know yourself so well, it's hard not to find your faults. knowing your faults sumtimes inflicts pain on self. maybe i'm wrong, but in order not to feel disatisfied with self, u really must trust GOD, and even then, u might still be unsatisfied. one must accept everything for just the way it is, down to the basics. for example, every different sort of tree has a name and classification, but really, what is a name for tree? a name is just a name. giving something a name does not mean n e thing different, it will always still be a tree, one that has bark, cork, and oils or saps. so basically, what is sabina? sabina, is a name. it is a name for a gurl. a gurl is part of the human species. so that tells you alot. every human is different, yet every human has the same natural instincts. how and where they were raised just changes the abilities of how someone adapts to things around it. that's basically it. that's all my thoughts for this morning. i don't want to kill myself over because of my thought. well yes yes, i'm going now.....i'll write more later.

hehehehe=>:D soo funnay..

took a walk through my memories. literally, took a walk through memories. all my lyphe, i've grown up in the same time. it's kinda funnay, no one in my area seems to know who i am n e more. maybe it's because i'm always sitting at home. hahhahaha=>:d oh wellz, it's not too bad. i dunno, ate too muchie today, hahahaha=>:D haven't ate such good food for a long time now. hehehe=>:d power failure ma?

thoughts of hope, thoughts of hopelessness, there almost always the same. both are just mere thoughts of the mind. hahaha=>:D well dat's all i have to say, not much of meh today. i dunno.....normally at dis time, i would be sleeping cause da heat has got to meh, but today, i feel kinda fine. i wanna go out!!!! need to get out!!! arg!!!! oh wellz, having fellowship tom. who wants to come ar? well it's at like mca la. so yeah., it's all good. not really, but heck, beats staying at home. well i'm going now....one two three.......i'm gone....

well u'd expect an illiterate gurl like meh to be unable to actually read chinese. muhahaha=>:d through current technology, at least i can write simple sentences....hehehe=>:D:P hehehehe=>:D are u happy ma? hehehehe=>:D well i am, but well......eitha way....i can still read alot more den what i can write....so heck, dat's all good. hehehe=>:D yupz yupz.....i dunno....hehehehe=>:D

hope dis mood lasts, cause i really dun wanna become pissed off again. hehehehe=>:D

current thoughts at da present moment....none dat i can say aren't happy thoughts, so yeah.....let's say i have none. let's talk bout you and meh. how ya doing lately aye? i hope ur feeling great. i wouldn't want u feeling sick or n e thing u noe. hey.....u noe what movie i wanna see dat's coming out on da first week of skool? i wanna go wath the order. do you wanna come watch it with meh? hehehe=>:D well, i wouldn't wanna bug you or n e thing if skool works toooo hectic you noe. so if you're not allowed or n e thing, don't bother, i don't want people yelling at ya la. hehehehe=.:D so, are u going to be doing n e thing on da sixth? if not, do you want to come and watch da movie with meh? hehehehe=>:D yupz yupz, i dunno, movies, are fun, not tooo bad i suppose. hehehehe=>:D just hope dat da electricity doesn't go off by den, which i totally doubt will, so yeah.....hehehe=>:d it'll be fun. okayz, i sound stupid, i'm gonna stop now.....hehehehehe=.:D

^being stupid, just look at meh, i wuz talking to myself!

bak to just stated my thoughts. yeah. well lately no one calls meh to work, and when they do, they call meh at the last minute, do they think i'm gonna actually walk there? i don't think so. yeah, i mite need the money, but dey dun pay enuff for da labour we do, and plus, well, da people are nice, da boss ain't. so yeah....it's alritez. but when skool starts....i'll be working. i hope. hehehe=>:D meh and relationships with people seem to be fading. i've lost most skills for talking on da phone now days. i find no interest in n e thing. when people talk to meh, i would prolly just answer one or two word answers. i dunno. i really want to stop, but sumwhere, i like to be quiet, i like to stay in da dark corners, but it's nice to have someone take you outta ur lil dark corner once a while, it would be betta to even be taken away forever. but in the lil corner i shall stay. yeah, GOD's always dere with meh, but da place i choose to stay in at the moment is the corner, by myself. dere are times when u are supposed to be out having fun, and others, when u should be sad, but happy u have time for urself. maybe da void isn't because i feel lonely, maybe it's what i cause myself to feel. relationships are always a two way thing, dere hasta be choices and sacrifices for both to work out. doesn't n e one see dat? is everyone so selfish and greedy dat well, all dey want is everything for themselves and is unwilling to allow n e one close in???......well dat's all i got to say for today, all my thoughts.....dat's it people.....normally i write two in da morn, but i have no more thoughts dat wun take away dis peace and joy as i'm reading and writing my own thought. so enjoy all you can.....l8a

kinda sooo weird, i wuz looking in da mirror tonight and i noticed sumthing. i look so fake. i'm just hiding behind dis image which people call SABINA. well maybe it's just because of da semi dyed hair dat makes meh feel fake, but maybe it't not. what's actually pathetic is dat i'm proud of being chinese, but yet i'm willing to hide behind things dat i am not. why did i dye my hair to begin with? now because i've done it once, i cannot imagine myself with any other color besides brown hair. i suppose image is very important to everyone, even if you say u dun care. sum where inside of you knows u want to look semidecent. but meh on the other hand, i suppose my sister is rite, i hide behind de image of myself. i am 100% myself when it comes to being personality, but when it comes to being matter of confidence, i suppose i lack alot. dere are alot of things i cannot handle. hm...mabye one of it being myself. maybe i'm just one lil confused gurl. things i wished i didn't understand, but i did. and there are things wish i did understand. bak to my knitting. my silent activity. hehehehe=>:D

sars is bak. sighs sighs. dis world is getting worst and worst. i'm become afraid, not for myself, but for everyone. well let's count, dere was ecoli, dere wuz dat beef thing, dere wuz dat sars, den dere wuz dat darkness....man, wuz da count now? four??? sooo weird...oh wellz.

well, let's see, i watched another like stupid romatic movie again. sooo bad of meh. i noe, dose types of films make meh upset. i dunno. dey just do, dere supposed to be happy because dey have happy endings. yeah, i am jealous, but of what? why not let you talk. yeah....today's da twentieth, and guess what? it's been half a year and 2 days now, do you want meh to count de hours and minutes too? well it's been an hour and about 45 mins or so. yeah, i'm a counting fanatic. maybe i should stop counting. hehehe=>:D but maybe i can't help it? nah nah, i noe i can help it. maybe it's meant to be for a reason. maybe it wuz never meant to be. hehehe=>:D GOD has betta plans. hehehe=>:D u can't say i'm not disappointed, because den i would be denying everything. and u noe i dun like lying to myself. hahaha=>:d some people like meh just haveta learn to care les i suppose. hahahahaha=>:D oh wellz. meh tired. hope you have fun. hehehehe=>:D i'm tired, very very tired. hehehehe=> well i hope you all have fun. hehehe=>:D

when is da day where my knight in shining armour finds meh?

u can wish to have too much, but yet always be disatisfied because u do not get what u want. but instead, be thankful of what u have and what you don't have may just be urs sumday. yeah, weird lil sayings imparted on me when i was very little. u'd expect meh to be a christian all my lyphe since i have gone to churchie all my lyphe. doing so does not make meh n e betta of a christian than just someone who acknowledges CHRIST. yeah. i'm hypocritical sum times.

well i have nothing more to say now, all my thoughts, well just some of em. i'm going now. if ya need a hug, here you go, if you need a kiss, *muah* if you need a slap in the face, *slap* "oh sorry did i slap too hard?" now good day to you too for there is much to do and soo little time......love ya'll....

i am very opinionated, but if you wanna prove meh wrong or share ur light, that is great....because it helps meh to see things dat i never saw before. hehehe=>:D well i love you all. and i hope u all da best. GOD bless you all. GOD loves you no matta what u've done. no one is too great a sinner.

sum stupid saying, love and be loved. give, and you will recieve. take and things will be stolen from you. ask and it shall be urs. nothing's too great, and nothing's too small. just notice in ur heart and u will see things u cannot see with ur eyes.

yeah.....kinda stupid.....it's kinda a lil phrase from a kiddie book i used to have. u'd wonder why i still rememba it, just read it with ur heart. it has a lot of meaning to it......so yeah, meh going now....l8a

there is a time for everything under the heavens. what humans do is the fact that they do no see this. they want everything for themselves causing pain and suffering for themselves and those around them. they become angry at the pain they feel. they want to hate and then they learn to hate. they despise everything that is good and everything not soo good. men have no happiness at this stage. men have lost ability to see the light and shine in the darkness. they have simply lost all hope which is infront of them.

not all things lost should be retrieved, it's betta dat u try, but not best if u get it bak. u can't loose sumthing that didn't belong to you in the first place. i wuz watching tv, when dis person said sumthing very touching. of course dis is in chinese, but it goes like dis.....love or a relationship is based on the choices and feelings and sacrifices which the two people are willing to take. and in the same way, when u loose the love of ur lyphe of whatnot, it's not always ur fault dat u lost, it's because neither is willing. u do not grow cold or ruthless, u simply choose to become. yeah, my view of lyphe again....everything is based on choices, as i've stated, da greatest power GOD gave man was choice. choices can be destructive, it can take down what was already built, but it can also be very peaceloving and contented when u build and enjoy. betrayal and hate is what comes before self-denial, u do not want to blame urself, so you choose to blame some one else, which is hate. betrayal is only the state of mind which u feel as an excuse to hate. u noe....as a gurl, it's always said as this, the most precious gift a gurl could ever give to n e body or the world is her heart. it's different for a guy, yeah, sexist point of view, but women and men will always be different, if not, why did GOD create male and female? did he not create male first? so in da same way, a man is to protect, nurture, and persevere for the woman, for woman is weaker, for it was she who ate the apple first. maybe it's just my opinion and everyone can be against meh, but remember, one man who the world thinks is wrong maybe rite in the very end. as i've said, i will never let go. my memories still taunt at meh and laugh at me, but i've already conquered them so that they do not bug me except to bring tears. tears are an amazing thing. pity the person who cannot cry for they cannot express themselves to the highest extent. even GOD cried. even GOD mourned. even GOD find happiness and joy. is it not for humans to walk in the likeness of GOD, but never truly being the same as him?

moving on and letting go are two different things......some say u must let go in order to move on, but really, that is entirely up to you. sometimes it may seem as if you've snapped, like the rope which u hold too tightly upon, but it doesn't. it's simply because u let go and have mere support in ur surroundings. let ur memories lie on the rope with is GOD given. dat rope will never snap unless u cut it. at times u hold on to it lightly and at times u hold on with all ur strength. memories are things dat are with you, no matter how much dey hurt or not. it's not sumthing dat u could care less about because u should have learnt sumthing through ur past experiences that u still feel. it is not rite to say you do not care. as what i say, when u say you do not care, u actually think it's important enuff to say that u dun. dat means sumhow, sumwhere within you, u care just da tiniest bit or u'd just be like walking off. that's just what i see...nothing big...

a few things to da reada....dese ain't new thoughts, dey have come and gone in ur head, but meh, i just need to express em. pluz, i think too much added upon all dis....so whateva....

now on to my own thought......i dunno.....u say i could neva be a snob, how nice of ya.....but hm.....being snobby would be a person with too much pride and will not eva look at any one else and care about dere problems. so in a sense, maybe i am a snob already? hm.....i do not know, am i? but yet i remain da same, content with the compliment that took meh years to learn to accept. yeah, when u first knew meh, i couldn't take compliments. i just couldn't. it was sooo hard for meh just because i had been insulted much of my lyphe. my first compliment that actually meant n e thing came from a friend, when i was in grade 7. dis was a year when a lonely gurl seemed to lost her way because she felt outta place and alone. i met dis gurly. in my attempts to keep her happy, i listened to her, i helped her, noticing what i did not feel at da time. one could say she changed my lyphe. den one day....a compliment in the words of a thank you came, at first, i really didn't know how to take it, really, i couldn't. i haddn't learnt to deal with sumthing that wuz supposed to be soo happy. but later on i suppose, it touched my heart, and i grew less angry at da world, and kinda let myself go. but i can't say it lasted long.....because that feeling of enjoyment and happiness faded by grade 9. grade nine wuz my worst year, fighting with depression along side hiding a face of real brutality......i couldn't help it. i wuz angry, yet i wuz sad, i wanted to be happy, but nothing i found could satisfy, i hated GOD for the misery he caused meh, but hating him only gave meh a thought. if i hated sumthing, that means at some time, i had either admired him or will admire him, so why not admire him now? and in this collosal thought, i admired him. and then i came to realization dat well, everything happens because of him...and so i should have been thankful and not unthankful for it. i learnt to be a betta person. in dis light....GOD gave meh a heart to care....yeah, i stretched it a bit making dat i care too much for da lil details, but there is a saying in lyphe dat goes like dis, if you cannot care about the lil details of sumthing big, how can u care about the whole big thing? stupid saying.....it's my saying, and derefore, i learn to care about everything. i can't say it bugs meh much to see someone hurt, it's just like everyone else, but i still care for the person who is hurt and i still try to care. i don't care much for the situation, but i'll sit and listen to ur hearts content. i'll be dere, and hoping in return u would be dere for meh. but dat dun matta. to some i may be a horrible person because i care soo much dat i always seem to be in ur business, but if i didn't care a cent i wouldn't have asked in da first place. if you cared much u wouldn't have needed for meh to ask. but i believe dat asking is betta den when sumthing turns explosive and u haveta tell someone.

i dunno what dis thought is about....i suppose i'm just weird and i have too many thoughts. i think too much? plus, dese thoughts ain't very proper, dis is just my web of thoughts so dey ain't too defined now.

bak to being explosive, yeah, when u finally need to explosed, dat when u urself feel as if dere is no hope at all, and to meh, dat worst then meh being nosy about it. it's hard to heal sumone when dey feel as if dey can't be helped. it's hard to fix sumthing coiled den sumthing bent basically. it's not impossible, but it's just hard. but sometimes, for meh and honestly, people don't ask meh much, and i just haveta end up exploding everything to my hearts desire. yeah, i got and made some of my friends to be colder now, just because dey dun wanna are, so dey just sit and listen saying nothing in return, not caring about how to help meh, but just wanting meh to be like i wuz before. i cannot find sumthing crueler den dat. yeah, i am not often like dat, but i do want you to be bak as u were before, but i still care about ur present state. dat's da diff between meh and alot of other people. dey simply just dun care and want u to be happy, i care and want u to be happy, so i sit. listening and carefully analyzing ur thoughts to think of a betta solution. not sumthing short and temporary. it might be a long process, but at least in the end, u could learn a few things, maybe a view or two? so yeah...dat's my thought. l8a

well.....as dere is lyphe....der'll always be misery.....dat's one thing u can foresee. i dunno.....ecclesiastes kinda really states it very well....dere is nothing new under the sun.....it's just a chasing of the wind......yeah, u prolly noe dat book very well.....and so do i, but dat book is one of da books dat gives much if you read to da very end....without GOD.....dere is nothing....without GOD.....dere will be nothing....without GOD.....dere can't be anything.....

humans do not grow numb ova time.....dey just dun wanna feel as much as dey did before....and ova time....dey learn to become diff.....is dis is how dey change emselves...nothing to be ashamed...cause i've done dat not about hm....oh say at least 5 times at minimum....but da way i am now, i will stay at least for a lil while....u wanna noe why??? here goes....even doe dat i dun seem very happy now, i find enjoyment in da times dat i am, i am thankful when i am not, and i am willing to take on new challenges even doe emotionally people think it's impossible. i'm greatful enuff.....it's not da caring dat bugs meh.....what bugs meh is dat well....people care to da extent dat dey take everything for grated.....they are not thankful.....dey dun care simply because dey neva thought to care. i dunno....when u say u're human, to meh....it sounds like an excuse....and partially it is.....in a sense....u could say.....because i'm human i can do dat, dat and dat.....just because i'm human and it can't be helped. dere's where ur wrong....how can u do sumthing u noe is wrong? couldn't u at least have tried not to? i cannot judge you, but GOD can. nothing is hidden in light. human nature is evil, but must we walk in dat path? could we not at least try with the grace of GOD to improve? why must we walk da easy path when dat only brings more suffering in the end?

hm.....sighs.....u ain't sounding too kool.....yeah....four words dat stage da course of lyphe.....but which one do you think is betta??? all dose seem to be pessimistic veiws.....in light of all bad situations, dere is light at the end of the storm. in ur last statement, it's kinda funnay.....u say those for words.....sensitivity, cruelety, accusasion, and reality. dose are very simple terms....but in dat last statement u just said, u had all for of em at da same time. really come to notice it urself, u notice what kinda person ya are. no one man is only at one place in dose four words when dey are not feeling as happy or pleasant as dey were. with sensitivity, u notice da word of cruelty....which is realization....and u want to accuse, but u noe u shouldn't be it hurts more cause ur a sensative person....make sense. with cruelety, u learn to be mean because u didn't like being sensitive, and during being cruel, u need to accuse things just so u wun get into much more trouble. and well it's because u realized sumthing dat u learn to become cruel...am i making n e sense so far? accusasion....accusasion isn't just simply a term, it's what everyone does, no matta what stage of lyphe u are at...dat's what lies are...dere are no lies, a lie is a lie no matta how you look at it......yeah, people tell meh alot of "white lies", and in de end....it only hurt meh more....what does dat tell ya about so called "white lies?" accusasion is just another word for excuses, people must learn to stop accusing and learn to see what dey can do if dey dun put an excuse on it. last one....reality....yeah....dis is when u hit rock bottom, but learn to survive da climb and cuts and bruises u make along the way. reality isn't a bad thing, for if it wuz, why would GOD have given you da bible filled with truths and realities of the world? have you eva thought of dat? it hurts because u are sensitive, but if you are still sensitive and learn to look at the world thru a bit "crueler" eyes, then well....it's da first step to sumthing very amazing. u haveta learn to balance everything. dose words dun seem to be stages for meh. den if you say dat, i've been going through all four of em since da begining of when i have my first memory. so in a sense, dese words are just words with meaning behind it. in lyphe everything hasta be balanced or u will be at one end of an extreme, like i am....but not realizing it. dat's all i have in reply to ur thought.

stupid sympatico keeps kicking meh offline....dis is soo not kool....oh wellz....

hope you come round to read my thoughts....maybe dey'll depress ya....maybe it'll give ya a laugh....maybe it'll cheer up ur day.....my thoughts are posted on line for a reason....why do you think aye? hahaha=>:D it's my expression for dose words i cannot say and dat cannot be expressed in front of people.....maybe it's more of just da war within myself.....thought dat shouldn't be exposed, but expressed? but whateva....it's all kool.....hopes u having fun...l8a...

in a carefree world, people actually do learn to not care about muchie n e more. dey teach emselves how to not get hurt and grow cold to da surroundings around em......they learn to take everything for granted, not having a heart of praise and admiration. people only learn to complain and whine about how it could be better and about what they do not have. yeah....i do dat too....i noe it's not rite....just sumtimes, it's hard. i noe, i may complain even when i'm doing things dat i like.....i should learn not to do dat, but really, i admire what i do, and i like to see da smiles on others faces. i'm selfish, but yet i'd give you da world if i noe it would benefit you, but yet dere are still many dat dun see dat and just want meh dead?am i a lil sel- fish??? hehehehe=>:D *gurgle gurgle* "look at meh, i'm a fish" j/ks j/ks....hehehe=>:D yeah.....cold jokes...i've been pulling alot of dose cold jokes lately....oh wellz....

everyone's selfish, if you want to like admit it or not, u are and if you say u ain't.....u are just lying to urself. u are one of dose biggest self-concieted liars...because it's in ur nature to be selfish....don't u dare even denying it eitha....u can't hide....da truth is rite dere in front of ya....why are u unwilling to see??? hm...dere's a song by avalon...yeah i noe....dey such a gurly pop christian group, but dey have a song called wonder why, and all i can ever rememba is dis......"why why do you eva wonder why, some people look so hard to find the truth. some can stumble ova it a thousand times..." i dunno....dese words kinda like make meh thing too muchie, but otha people's business is only dere's and GOD's....not mine.

yeah.....i think some guys have it great, yeah i admit, i'm jealous......most gurls....unless taught and learnt to feel nothing, feel much of what some guys don't feel. it's true....really come to think of it, outta all da guy friends i have, only one of em well....one of em is pretty sensitive. i dun think it's a bad trait. most guys learn to not care at a very young age....since in da nature it's a competition for everything......not dat it's not like dat with gurls. haven't u eva noticed dat when gurls get mad, well most times dey stay mad for a longer time....whereas a guy....could stay mad, but doesn't and may just end up keeping it to emselves??? i dun think n e is betta. if you as meh.....really....a gurl could be too into herself....whereas the guy, into himself, but too much out there at the same time. i suppose what some people lack is balance...dere is no borderline.....and if dere is...it's sooo thin it snaps almost as quickly as it's put up....but dat dun matta........

i think too much....i care too much.....but i sleep too lil and i eat too lil....signing off......